malls and decisions

I’m loving the mall of asia. Aside from the obvious – the hockey rink where I’ll soon be playing if I decide to stay – it has a lot of the nice bookstores, record stores, sports shops, nice places to dine, the imax theatre, everything for my money spending needs… Now, I feel like I don’t even have to go to Greenbelt anymore, except maybe when I really have to have New Orleans shrimp at Bubba Gump’s.

The other day, I saw a special edition release of “love story” by erich segal at power books. The cover was like the one they released in the 70’s . As soon as I have money to spare, I’ll buy that book. I have to have that. I haven’t had enough time to really see the place, heck, I haven’t had enough time for anything lately… so many things to do, so many places to see, so little time.

Which reminds me, I will have to make a very important, life-changing decision soon. but I haven’t had the time to think about it, I mean really think about it.. I hope I make the right decision.

This will be my whole life.

superman returns

“Superman is so lonely in this film, it feels personal”
- Newsweek

At last, a hero who doesn’t need to dodge bullets. Saw Superman Returns at the IMAX theatre at the Mall of Asia last Wednesday. I was so overwhelmed by Brandon Routh I don’t remember much about the movie. It literally felt like a dream. Aside from the fact that I was so sleepy from very little sleep the day before, I was also hung over. The movie sort of just glided… while I swooned over superman.

I really have to see the movie again and again and again…

Do you remember flying?

Last Tuesday, I went flying.

After five years, I stepped back on the ice. i thought i had forgotten how to skate... i was a bit shaky at first but it was amazing, a homecoming of sorts. All I could think of was how I almost forgot what it’s like to fly.

The day after that, I got yet another birthday present, a silver necklace with little hockey sticks for a pendant. I love it. I love holding it to remind me of what it’s like to fly.

a million, vermillion

Sometimes it's hard to tell the wishing from the well
Where you threw the penny and where it fell

~ Bleeder
Artist: The Wallflowers
Album: Bringing Down The Horse

I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions. I am so tired. Lately, I haven’t had enough time for myself. There are always a million things to be to my friends and family. I’m not complaining. Far from it. It’s just a bit… well… tiring, that’s all. I know I’ve always wanted to be “something” to other people, to be part of their lives, but what I didn’t realize it that I have to set aside some time to be me for me.

But there are always so many things to do…

That dinner, that party, that movie, that cup of coffee, that show, that concert, that gig, that early morning walk, that afternoon, that game, that day, that trip, that vacation, that lifetime…

someone’s best friend, someone’s friend, someone’s close friend, someone’s someone’s big sister, someone’s little sister, someone’s cousin, someone’s mom, someone’s daughter, someone’s teacher, someone’s coach, someone’s shrink, someone’s boss, someone’s assistant… someone’s savior.

this can go on forever…

I feel like superman—blue tights, red cape and all.

I was supposed to have that Saturday afternoon for myself, a four hour window where I can just sit back, watch a mindless comedy and laugh. But of course, it had to rain so hard that the ceiling in my apartment leaked and drenched a good part of my belongings.

No wonder superman left.

You can lose your mind living this life.

track number 12

Come Back
Artist: Pearl Jam
Album: Pearl Jam


If I keep holding out
Will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof
It's only rain that I feel
I've been wishin' out the days
Come back

I have been planning out
All that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away
Know that I still remain true
I've been wishin' out the days
Please say that if you hadn't have gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are
Come back

And these days, they linger on, yeah, yeah
And in the night, I've been waiting for
A real possibility that I may meet you in my dreams
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart
Will my memory stay clear?

So you had to go
And I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away and yet you feel so close
I'm not going to question it any other way
It must be an open door for you
To come back

And the days they linger on, yeah
Every night I'm waiting for
The real possibility that I may need to end my pain
Sometimes you're there and you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's ok It's ok, it's ok
I'll be here Come back, come back

my kryptonite

because Superman, he returns...

I am so excited. I’ve never been this excited over a movie before.

I just got confirmation that we already have the tickets for the June 28, 2006 screening of Superman Returns at the IMAX theatre at the Mall of Asia. I’m so glad that we were able to reserve tickets.

I hope the movie’s good coz from the looks of it I’ll probably have to see the movie at least three times. I didn’t mind seeing X-men three times, coz I really liked it and I really, genuinely enjoyed the movie (that was a surprise). well, from the trailer, superman looks good. I mean the movie, coz if I meant, superman, the guy, the actor, I would have said… he looks really really delicious.

Can’t believe I’m smiling from ear to ear over this.

Ha.

I have a love/hate thing with jack tv.

For starters they play “two of us” by the beatles every five minutes. of course, I remember X whenever I hear Beatles’ songs, especially that one.

But then, I love watching southpark and that 70’s show, and arrested development and of course, letterman.

Last night, sonic youth was on letterman. Ha.

I think X said he remembers me whenever he hears a Beatles song. I’m not sure if he really said that or I just thought he said that, anyways, I hope he remembers me, I hope he misses me, and I hope it gets hard for him… okay, I don’t mean that. It’s just that i remember him whenever I hear a freaking Beatles song. And they are everywhere! And it sucks coz those songs used to give me comfort. Now, they just give me panic attacks. That. Ass. Ha.

He didn’t have a clue that the paper with a list of Beatles songs he found when he was packing his stuff was the song list i made for our supposed wedding. He didn’t even have a clue. That. Jerk. Ha.

O, I almost forgot, I received a bunch of roses and a bracelet from X’s mom yesterday as a birthday gift. I know it’s from his mom, coz first, he’s not resourceful or creative enough to pull up something as simple as sending flowers. Second, he never did either of that (send me flowers or buy me a bracelet) when we were still together and he claimed he was in-love with me, why the hell would he do that now? everyone thinks somehow, in some way, he wanted to send me those gifts. Honestly, I know that he didn’t. he probably doesn’t even know.

Ha.

spilt coffee

I made it through the day without coffee. I’m so proud of me. I really should stop. Ah, but then I have to stay awake, at least while I’m working. Oh well.

A couple of weeks before my birthday, I was sort of wondering how the hell I’ll get through the dreadful day. Not only was this the first time I’ll be spending my birthday alone, I was also turning 27 without well… much to look forward to.

Of course, like all other things in my life, I was wrong. A few days before my birthday, I was wracking my brains out on how to fix my schedule for all my birthday celebrations. Yup, celebrationS. Would you believe it? Who would have thought my birthday was going to be a week-long or even a two-week-long affair?

I just really didn’t know how many people cared. I really didn’t know how many people wanted to share my birthday. I really didn’t know how many people wanted to share my life.

I just didn’t have a clue.

And if X and I hadn’t broken up, I probably still wouldn’t have a damn clue.

bash!

of kites and ketchup filled pandesal

One of my nicest memories was when I was four. My mom prepared my favorite snack, which was orange juice and ketchup filled pandesal. I took my snack in my little bag and went off to the field. I sat against a haystack and started munching away the pandesal as I watched my brother fly his kite. I don’t remember much about my childhood. There were too many sad things.

But I remember this one. I remember it as if I was still there, burning my skin with the afternoon sun, the taste of pandesal and ketchup on my tongue, the sound of hay whenever I moved my legs, the sound of other kids playing nearby, the soft breeze. And how happy I was. Just happy.

The last time I felt close to that was some time after Christmas of 2005. it must be around January because I remember we just had the sofa. It was one of those lazy afternoons and we were watching TV. I remember he was wearing my “El paso hothothot” shirt that made his tummy bulge. I looked at him and well, at that time, he still looked back at me, and we hugged. You know those hugs that go on forever? Those hugs that just feels right, no one bothers to let go? it was one of those. And I remember thinking I could die here. Right now. right here. In his arms. I was just so happy. so real. so home.

well, even that one didn’t last.

life is so predictable.

the word i'm looking for is “whimsical”...

I want to learn to cook.
I want to learn to laugh.
I want to tap dance.
It will be my salvation.
- Elizabethtown


B made me watch Elizabethtown last week. I’m really not in the right frame of mind to say if the movie was good or not, but I’m thinking, as far as Cameron Crowe movies go, this one wasn’t quite… smooth. But rough or not, I cried buckets while watching the movie, and even more after.

I’ll probably try to see the movie again sometime soon. Maybe it’ll be different.

There was a part there where Susan Sarandon’s character wondered if she ever really made her dead husband happy. So, naturally, I wondered if I ever really made X happy when we were together. See, he never told me.

How can five years go by without you telling the person you supposedly love that you were happy she was in your life? That you were happy she was in your life.

How can two people who claim to love each other that much take advantage of each other as much as X and I did?

My last memory of X was that Sunday… after saying our goodbyes, he looked on as I made my way to the elevator. I looked at him through the glass doors of the office bulding. He was smiling, but his eyes looked sad, as if he was about to cry.

In my last memory of him, it seemed that he still cares. That he did care.

maybe, even a lot.

Last looks. There’s one right now.

lost wav files

I got home late, hungry, tired and empty. All I wanted to do was take a hot bath, listen to depressing music and sleep. But I couldn’t find my depressing music in my own damn pc. Three hours passed and I still couldn’t find it. I wanted to blame my X, only I knew he didn’t delete it. Because I know I transferred the files to my pda the day I last saw him.

Then, when you finally give up, someone complains about loneliness and sadness and gloom.

Why the hell do you hide behind that stupid alter ego, that mask? Are you so scared that without that pretense there’s nothing interesting about you? No personality, no depth, no nothing? And what’s wrong with being plain, anyway? Why do you pretend to be someone else? Why do you pretend to be sad and dark and lonely? what made your life so sad? how could you believe that pretending to be sad sets you apart? and makes you special?

The way I see it, the only sad part about your life, is you.

don’t give me that bullshit about darkness. You never had a real problem in your life. You don’t know what it’s like to be abandoned by the only family you knew. you don't know what it's like to be alone. You were not left to tend for yourself as a child and beg for survival. You were not raped by the one person you trusted. You did not have to run away from your life, if only to get through the day. You did not build your life around a lie that the person you loved made you believe.

Don’t be a fucking phony.

and

Don’t tell me about sadness and gloom… I bet you don’t even know what it’s like to lose a friend.

4:30 am

sometimes, pain comes at 4:30 am, when it’s too late to go back to sleep and still too early to wake up. I must have blacked out from pain the night before, because I don’t remember sleeping. Sometimes, the medicine wears off before it’s time to take the next one. Sometimes, the medicine does not work.

At least, the pain is different now.

pain used to be waking up at dawn, with the man you were afraid you’ll be spending your life with, asleep with his arms around you. and you ask yourself, what if you’ll be happier somewhere else?

Then, pain became waking up at dawn, wondering why the hell you can’t see that this guy with his arms wrapped tightly around you, loves you so much, and in his own way, he’s showed you a million times just how special you are. And you hate yourself for not seeing; for asking too much.

Then pain became waking up at dawn, knowing the same man you thought wanted to spend his life with you changed his heart. You watch him sleep and wonder how all the love you thought he had for you just suddenly slipped away. And you ask yourself, have I been right all the time? Is this why it was so hard for me to see?

Then pain became waking up at dawn, knowing that this same man who changed his heart was the same home you were looking for all your life. That he was the one you’ve always wanted to come home to, even before you met. That you’re not happier somewhere else. But it was too late. You were not his home anymore. And you wonder if you ever really were.

Then pain became waking up at dawn realizing that he’s not there, and finally accepting that he’s not coming back.

At least now, the pain is just physical. Pain that can be cured.

like it is for you

I Wish I Felt Nothing
Artist: The Wallflowers
Album: Bringing Down the Horse

Say when you're alone
It's better 'cause nobody knows you
When no one's your friend
It's better 'cause nobody leaves you
So you turned your back
On a world that you could never have
'Cause your heart's been cracked
And everyone else's is goin' mad

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

Now all of these people
Come up from deep holes
Pullin' you down
And it's just no use
When all the abuse follows you down
By the morning you've gone
Leavin' me here all alone
Sayin' it's no mystery
I know that nobody here needs me

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
Like it is for you
Like i think it is for you

swallow it down

There’s a line from one of the greatest break up albums of all time, Jagged Little Pill that says “life has a funny way of helping you out.” These days help comes from the son of Bob Dylan. I listen to “Bringing Down the Horse” all day. My official going to work soundtrack is “one headlight” and my going home soundtrack is “I wish I felt nothing” and “6th Avenue Heartache”. Why the hell did I not listen to this album years ago??? I love jakob. Because he spells jakob with a k. and because he tells me every morning that “there’s got to be something better than in the middle…”

clear blue sky

Today, it’s going to be a week since I last saw jm. I miss my little sunshine who wishes a beautiful garden for me. I wish she’ll come back from singko soon…. I wonder where singko is… it sounds like a wonderful place… because she’s there.

I wish I had my own… my own sunshine, my own garden.

This morning, I took my shades off on my way to work. And I saw a clear blue sky… I felt like it’s the first clear blue sky I saw in months. I’ve always been partial to orange skies and sunsets… they’re gloomy and sad and personal. sometimes, even romantic. There’s always a sense of regret when I see orange skies and sunsets. But this morning, as I listened to “one headlight” and looked at the big, clear, blue sky, I felt… new. and maybe even hopeful.

I guess we all need a clear blue sky once in a while, to clear our minds, lift our spirits, warm our hearts and lighten our souls.

one headlight

One Headlight
Artist: The Wallflowers
Album: Bringing Down the Horse

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery treesI seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sign up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end it's just her window ledge

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think of death it must be killin' me

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middleBut me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With One Headlight

new start

this blog is still under construction.

yep. i'm starting yet another one. how many times does one have to start over to finally start over? as many times as i have to. but i have a feeling this time, this is for real.



let there be...

respect for the earth.
peace for its people.
love in our lives.
delight in the good.

forgiveness for the past wrongs.