don’t dare me to breathe.

will the rain ever stop?

and I don’t just mean the water condensed from atmospheric vapor and falling in drops… you know what I mean.

... do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? it doesn't actually kill you. like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. it should. when someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "i never loved you," it should kill you instantly. you shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know ... ~ under the tuscan sun

i am a wreck.

i’m supposed to be on vacation right now. what the fuck is wrong with me? why the hell can’t I just leave???

my life hurts so much. I hurt so much.

how can living hurt this much? Even breathing hurts. They said an average person takes around 30,000 breaths per day. There’s no way I can live this way, when breathing feels like a stab in the heart with a dull knife. Over and over and over with each breath. An average of 30,000 times a day.

how do you live? How do you even wake up knowing that even breathing will hurt so much?

how could he not be sorry for what he did? How could he just go on living as if I didn’t happen? how could he not hurt? How could he not love? How could he breathe and not hurt?

how could he not miss me? How could he not miss our jingoy? How could he not miss our home?how could his life still be complete without me? how could his days be right without me? how could he wake up knowing I’m not going to be part of his day? His life? How could I not have left a void in his life? How could he smile? How could he?

what did I ever do the last 5 years? What was I, really? Was I the substitute person while he waited for the friends he didn’t have? Was I the substitute girl while he waited for the right girl? How could anyone be that mean? How could anyone do that and not be sorry? Not be sorry he hurt the person who’s loved him and who’s been there for him the last five years?

how could he not be sorry? How could I have loved a monster and never saw it? how could I have loved a coward? How could I have been scared to hurt him?

how could he just let go of us? How could he not fight for me and everything we had? How could he have been so weak? How could he have given up so easily? How could he just let things happen? why couldn’t he fight for us? Has he ever really fought for anything in his life? What the hell was the last five years? What the hell was I the last five years? His fucking whore? His fucking maid? How come I never got paid?!

no wonder I feel so betrayed. So used.

and he’s not even sorry for it… for leaving me. for using me, for hurting me. for betraying me. for being weak, for not being strong for us. He’s not even sorry for not sharing himself with me…

how could he not be sorry?

how could he know everything about me, every secret, every thought, every tear, every heart ache, and not share any of his?

how could you not be sorry you hurt your best friend more than anyone in the world ever did?

how could he not care? I thought that was all he had for me… so where is it?

how could he not have looked for reasons to stay? why didn’t he try to save us?

was it because he’s a coward? He’ll never fight for anyone. Not me, not his family, not even his own child.

and I think I know how we lasted for five fucking years… because for a good four years, he didn’t have anybody else. He didn’t have friends, he didn’t have anyone and I was the only one who cared to share my life with him. So when he started meeting other people who were, of course, by default easier to deal with, he bails out on me. he bails out on us. Why the hell would he need to stay, anyway? He needed them more than he needed me… he needed his job… he needed to be around them… he needed to fit in… he needed the money.

for five years, it was the easy thing to do. It was the easiest thing to be. It was just so convenient to stay. but when things got rough, and the easiest thing to do was leave, that’s exactly what he does… he bails out.

that’s just how he is, I guess, when he finds people who he needs to deal with, he leaves the ones who’ve been there for him… he does that to all his friends, his friends from high school, friends from college, ex girlfriends… how could I have not seen it coming?

just how stupid was i? how could I have loved him? How could I have believed he actually wanted to grow old with me? how could I have believed he actually wanted to share his life with me? he never told me. he never said he wanted to. whatever happened to forever? He never mentioned forever… why the hell did I believe?

how could God know he will give me so much to cry about and make it so painful for me to shed tears?

how could God let the father of my child be a man who wasn’t in love with me, knowing full well that a family, a family is all I really want in this life?

i am almost ashamed I loved this guy. And for five fucking years I believed, no, forced myself to believe that he loved me too. That God gave him to me to help me get through. But you know what? I was always alone. Now that I think about it, I was always alone.

of course, I don’t mean the half of what I said today. Of course, I’m angry. Of course, I’m not being fair. But tell me, is this fair?

and how is it that in spite all these… I still love him? How could a smart girl like me be so stupid?

how is it that even though he’s not sorry at all, I still pray that he’ll be there when I get home every single day?

love means never having to say you’re sorry... ~ love story

what...

when you’re told to slow down, they usually mean really slow down and take a rest. Take a day off… sleep for a whole day… you know… just rest. They told me to slow down, but as usual, I didn’t listen.

The next day after I got home from the hospital, I went out with my friends again. I promise I meant to slow down. But it was the birthday celebration of three of my friends, there’s no way I’m not going to be there.

But of course, after the celebration wrapped up, I went clubbing. Got home around 5 in the morning, and I haven’t had a decent sleep or rest since. And that was… two weeks ago?

The next two weeks don’t look like I’m going to get some real rest or even a day off. I can’t afford to be sick again. Especially now that it looks like I’m going to need to save up.

I’m scared. Shoot. What if I am?

the things we do to the people that we love

The People That We Love (Speed Kills)
artist: Bush
album: Golden State

Speed kills coming down the mountain
Speed kills coming down the street
Speed kills with presence of mind and
Speed kills if you know what I mean
Got to feel - woke up inside again
Got to feel less broke more fixed
Got to feel when I got outside myself
Got to feel when I touched your lips
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something we can't take
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some time
I wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee

How's it feel she's coming up roses
How's it feel she's coming up sweet
How's it feel when it's all in spite of you
How's it feel when she's out of your reach
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something in the way
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some timeI wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee
What happened to you

The things we do
To the people that we love
The things we do
To the people that we
That we love

rain on my bed

does it rain on your bed?

I was watching rockstar: supernova last Thursday night when the rain poured so hard, my ceiling started to leak and it started to rain on my bed.

One of the contestants talked about his passion for music and how he left everything behind to pursue his passion. He reminded me of suzie, one of the contestants last year who stage dove her way to desperation. I remember telling X that it was sad coz I didn’t know what the hell I was desperate for. X said he thinks I’m desperate for a house. See, that’s where you’re wrong, X.

I wasn’t desperate for a house.

I was desperate for a home.

I was desperate for you.

the wounded healer.

bad headache.

Is there such a thing as a good headache? Anyway, this one’s really bad. Was it the three cups of coffee or C’s stale cigarette? Sudden bouts of vertigo don’t help either.

I’m almost done with my eight day work week but so far away from a day’s rest. i feel like I haven’t had a break since… when? The start of June? May?

who am I fooling anyway?

If I don’t slow down I’m going to get really sick. But if I do slow down, I know I’m going to get sick too… sick in the head. Sick in the heart.

guess what i would rather be.

besides, I can’t slow down now, even if I wanted to. There are too many people who need me to be there for them… too many people to help heal… sometimes, I want to tell them, that hey, I need to heal too… coz… in case you forgot…

behind the smiles,

behind the laughter,

my heart is bleeding too.

. . .

miss X.

so much.

last night

Man, you oughta finish what you started
You can't leave me here alive
Well I know it started as a fist fight
But you've got me covered up in hives...
when all this indecision reigns
It's your aimlessness that helps me see straight.
~ laughing out loud
The Wallflowers
Bringing Down the Horse

Last night, I was supposed to go home early, clean up the mess that is my apartment and think about that life changing decision I had to make. But instead of going straight home, I went out with my friends again. I could easily have refused, went home and decided once and for all what to do with my life. But I didn’t.

And I was out really late. I didn’t realize how late it was until I woke up in the bus on my home.

I asked for an extension this morning. D is getting really impatient with me.

How do you make that life changing decision, anyway? How to you chose to live another way and just ditch the other? Much as the opportunity seems really really good, I’m finding it hard to leave. I can’t leave my life here just yet. I guess I’m having too much fun.

This is the first time I’ve been single in my adult life and it is fun. Yeah, it can get lonely sometimes… nah… it’s mostly fun. Hahaha.

It’s like after five years, humankind is welcoming me back. Asking where the hell I’ve been, coz they’ve been waiting for me to share my life with them. That’s why I can’t leave just now.

And besides, I want to leave when I’m ready. I’m sure there’ll be other opportunities. There are just too many things that I still have to do here, finish here, settle here… Because once I leave, there’ll be no turning back.

So, I guess that’s my decision, huh?

D will be so mad.

malls and decisions

I’m loving the mall of asia. Aside from the obvious – the hockey rink where I’ll soon be playing if I decide to stay – it has a lot of the nice bookstores, record stores, sports shops, nice places to dine, the imax theatre, everything for my money spending needs… Now, I feel like I don’t even have to go to Greenbelt anymore, except maybe when I really have to have New Orleans shrimp at Bubba Gump’s.

The other day, I saw a special edition release of “love story” by erich segal at power books. The cover was like the one they released in the 70’s . As soon as I have money to spare, I’ll buy that book. I have to have that. I haven’t had enough time to really see the place, heck, I haven’t had enough time for anything lately… so many things to do, so many places to see, so little time.

Which reminds me, I will have to make a very important, life-changing decision soon. but I haven’t had the time to think about it, I mean really think about it.. I hope I make the right decision.

This will be my whole life.

superman returns

“Superman is so lonely in this film, it feels personal”
- Newsweek

At last, a hero who doesn’t need to dodge bullets. Saw Superman Returns at the IMAX theatre at the Mall of Asia last Wednesday. I was so overwhelmed by Brandon Routh I don’t remember much about the movie. It literally felt like a dream. Aside from the fact that I was so sleepy from very little sleep the day before, I was also hung over. The movie sort of just glided… while I swooned over superman.

I really have to see the movie again and again and again…

Do you remember flying?

Last Tuesday, I went flying.

After five years, I stepped back on the ice. i thought i had forgotten how to skate... i was a bit shaky at first but it was amazing, a homecoming of sorts. All I could think of was how I almost forgot what it’s like to fly.

The day after that, I got yet another birthday present, a silver necklace with little hockey sticks for a pendant. I love it. I love holding it to remind me of what it’s like to fly.

a million, vermillion

Sometimes it's hard to tell the wishing from the well
Where you threw the penny and where it fell

~ Bleeder
Artist: The Wallflowers
Album: Bringing Down The Horse

I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions. I am so tired. Lately, I haven’t had enough time for myself. There are always a million things to be to my friends and family. I’m not complaining. Far from it. It’s just a bit… well… tiring, that’s all. I know I’ve always wanted to be “something” to other people, to be part of their lives, but what I didn’t realize it that I have to set aside some time to be me for me.

But there are always so many things to do…

That dinner, that party, that movie, that cup of coffee, that show, that concert, that gig, that early morning walk, that afternoon, that game, that day, that trip, that vacation, that lifetime…

someone’s best friend, someone’s friend, someone’s close friend, someone’s someone’s big sister, someone’s little sister, someone’s cousin, someone’s mom, someone’s daughter, someone’s teacher, someone’s coach, someone’s shrink, someone’s boss, someone’s assistant… someone’s savior.

this can go on forever…

I feel like superman—blue tights, red cape and all.

I was supposed to have that Saturday afternoon for myself, a four hour window where I can just sit back, watch a mindless comedy and laugh. But of course, it had to rain so hard that the ceiling in my apartment leaked and drenched a good part of my belongings.

No wonder superman left.

You can lose your mind living this life.

track number 12

Come Back
Artist: Pearl Jam
Album: Pearl Jam


If I keep holding out
Will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof
It's only rain that I feel
I've been wishin' out the days
Come back

I have been planning out
All that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away
Know that I still remain true
I've been wishin' out the days
Please say that if you hadn't have gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are
Come back

And these days, they linger on, yeah, yeah
And in the night, I've been waiting for
A real possibility that I may meet you in my dreams
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart
Will my memory stay clear?

So you had to go
And I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away and yet you feel so close
I'm not going to question it any other way
It must be an open door for you
To come back

And the days they linger on, yeah
Every night I'm waiting for
The real possibility that I may need to end my pain
Sometimes you're there and you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's ok It's ok, it's ok
I'll be here Come back, come back

my kryptonite

because Superman, he returns...

I am so excited. I’ve never been this excited over a movie before.

I just got confirmation that we already have the tickets for the June 28, 2006 screening of Superman Returns at the IMAX theatre at the Mall of Asia. I’m so glad that we were able to reserve tickets.

I hope the movie’s good coz from the looks of it I’ll probably have to see the movie at least three times. I didn’t mind seeing X-men three times, coz I really liked it and I really, genuinely enjoyed the movie (that was a surprise). well, from the trailer, superman looks good. I mean the movie, coz if I meant, superman, the guy, the actor, I would have said… he looks really really delicious.

Can’t believe I’m smiling from ear to ear over this.

Ha.

I have a love/hate thing with jack tv.

For starters they play “two of us” by the beatles every five minutes. of course, I remember X whenever I hear Beatles’ songs, especially that one.

But then, I love watching southpark and that 70’s show, and arrested development and of course, letterman.

Last night, sonic youth was on letterman. Ha.

I think X said he remembers me whenever he hears a Beatles song. I’m not sure if he really said that or I just thought he said that, anyways, I hope he remembers me, I hope he misses me, and I hope it gets hard for him… okay, I don’t mean that. It’s just that i remember him whenever I hear a freaking Beatles song. And they are everywhere! And it sucks coz those songs used to give me comfort. Now, they just give me panic attacks. That. Ass. Ha.

He didn’t have a clue that the paper with a list of Beatles songs he found when he was packing his stuff was the song list i made for our supposed wedding. He didn’t even have a clue. That. Jerk. Ha.

O, I almost forgot, I received a bunch of roses and a bracelet from X’s mom yesterday as a birthday gift. I know it’s from his mom, coz first, he’s not resourceful or creative enough to pull up something as simple as sending flowers. Second, he never did either of that (send me flowers or buy me a bracelet) when we were still together and he claimed he was in-love with me, why the hell would he do that now? everyone thinks somehow, in some way, he wanted to send me those gifts. Honestly, I know that he didn’t. he probably doesn’t even know.

Ha.

spilt coffee

I made it through the day without coffee. I’m so proud of me. I really should stop. Ah, but then I have to stay awake, at least while I’m working. Oh well.

A couple of weeks before my birthday, I was sort of wondering how the hell I’ll get through the dreadful day. Not only was this the first time I’ll be spending my birthday alone, I was also turning 27 without well… much to look forward to.

Of course, like all other things in my life, I was wrong. A few days before my birthday, I was wracking my brains out on how to fix my schedule for all my birthday celebrations. Yup, celebrationS. Would you believe it? Who would have thought my birthday was going to be a week-long or even a two-week-long affair?

I just really didn’t know how many people cared. I really didn’t know how many people wanted to share my birthday. I really didn’t know how many people wanted to share my life.

I just didn’t have a clue.

And if X and I hadn’t broken up, I probably still wouldn’t have a damn clue.

bash!

of kites and ketchup filled pandesal

One of my nicest memories was when I was four. My mom prepared my favorite snack, which was orange juice and ketchup filled pandesal. I took my snack in my little bag and went off to the field. I sat against a haystack and started munching away the pandesal as I watched my brother fly his kite. I don’t remember much about my childhood. There were too many sad things.

But I remember this one. I remember it as if I was still there, burning my skin with the afternoon sun, the taste of pandesal and ketchup on my tongue, the sound of hay whenever I moved my legs, the sound of other kids playing nearby, the soft breeze. And how happy I was. Just happy.

The last time I felt close to that was some time after Christmas of 2005. it must be around January because I remember we just had the sofa. It was one of those lazy afternoons and we were watching TV. I remember he was wearing my “El paso hothothot” shirt that made his tummy bulge. I looked at him and well, at that time, he still looked back at me, and we hugged. You know those hugs that go on forever? Those hugs that just feels right, no one bothers to let go? it was one of those. And I remember thinking I could die here. Right now. right here. In his arms. I was just so happy. so real. so home.

well, even that one didn’t last.

life is so predictable.

the word i'm looking for is “whimsical”...

I want to learn to cook.
I want to learn to laugh.
I want to tap dance.
It will be my salvation.
- Elizabethtown


B made me watch Elizabethtown last week. I’m really not in the right frame of mind to say if the movie was good or not, but I’m thinking, as far as Cameron Crowe movies go, this one wasn’t quite… smooth. But rough or not, I cried buckets while watching the movie, and even more after.

I’ll probably try to see the movie again sometime soon. Maybe it’ll be different.

There was a part there where Susan Sarandon’s character wondered if she ever really made her dead husband happy. So, naturally, I wondered if I ever really made X happy when we were together. See, he never told me.

How can five years go by without you telling the person you supposedly love that you were happy she was in your life? That you were happy she was in your life.

How can two people who claim to love each other that much take advantage of each other as much as X and I did?

My last memory of X was that Sunday… after saying our goodbyes, he looked on as I made my way to the elevator. I looked at him through the glass doors of the office bulding. He was smiling, but his eyes looked sad, as if he was about to cry.

In my last memory of him, it seemed that he still cares. That he did care.

maybe, even a lot.

Last looks. There’s one right now.

lost wav files

I got home late, hungry, tired and empty. All I wanted to do was take a hot bath, listen to depressing music and sleep. But I couldn’t find my depressing music in my own damn pc. Three hours passed and I still couldn’t find it. I wanted to blame my X, only I knew he didn’t delete it. Because I know I transferred the files to my pda the day I last saw him.

Then, when you finally give up, someone complains about loneliness and sadness and gloom.

Why the hell do you hide behind that stupid alter ego, that mask? Are you so scared that without that pretense there’s nothing interesting about you? No personality, no depth, no nothing? And what’s wrong with being plain, anyway? Why do you pretend to be someone else? Why do you pretend to be sad and dark and lonely? what made your life so sad? how could you believe that pretending to be sad sets you apart? and makes you special?

The way I see it, the only sad part about your life, is you.

don’t give me that bullshit about darkness. You never had a real problem in your life. You don’t know what it’s like to be abandoned by the only family you knew. you don't know what it's like to be alone. You were not left to tend for yourself as a child and beg for survival. You were not raped by the one person you trusted. You did not have to run away from your life, if only to get through the day. You did not build your life around a lie that the person you loved made you believe.

Don’t be a fucking phony.

and

Don’t tell me about sadness and gloom… I bet you don’t even know what it’s like to lose a friend.

4:30 am

sometimes, pain comes at 4:30 am, when it’s too late to go back to sleep and still too early to wake up. I must have blacked out from pain the night before, because I don’t remember sleeping. Sometimes, the medicine wears off before it’s time to take the next one. Sometimes, the medicine does not work.

At least, the pain is different now.

pain used to be waking up at dawn, with the man you were afraid you’ll be spending your life with, asleep with his arms around you. and you ask yourself, what if you’ll be happier somewhere else?

Then, pain became waking up at dawn, wondering why the hell you can’t see that this guy with his arms wrapped tightly around you, loves you so much, and in his own way, he’s showed you a million times just how special you are. And you hate yourself for not seeing; for asking too much.

Then pain became waking up at dawn, knowing the same man you thought wanted to spend his life with you changed his heart. You watch him sleep and wonder how all the love you thought he had for you just suddenly slipped away. And you ask yourself, have I been right all the time? Is this why it was so hard for me to see?

Then pain became waking up at dawn, knowing that this same man who changed his heart was the same home you were looking for all your life. That he was the one you’ve always wanted to come home to, even before you met. That you’re not happier somewhere else. But it was too late. You were not his home anymore. And you wonder if you ever really were.

Then pain became waking up at dawn realizing that he’s not there, and finally accepting that he’s not coming back.

At least now, the pain is just physical. Pain that can be cured.

like it is for you

I Wish I Felt Nothing
Artist: The Wallflowers
Album: Bringing Down the Horse

Say when you're alone
It's better 'cause nobody knows you
When no one's your friend
It's better 'cause nobody leaves you
So you turned your back
On a world that you could never have
'Cause your heart's been cracked
And everyone else's is goin' mad

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

Now all of these people
Come up from deep holes
Pullin' you down
And it's just no use
When all the abuse follows you down
By the morning you've gone
Leavin' me here all alone
Sayin' it's no mystery
I know that nobody here needs me

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
Like it is for you
Like i think it is for you

swallow it down

There’s a line from one of the greatest break up albums of all time, Jagged Little Pill that says “life has a funny way of helping you out.” These days help comes from the son of Bob Dylan. I listen to “Bringing Down the Horse” all day. My official going to work soundtrack is “one headlight” and my going home soundtrack is “I wish I felt nothing” and “6th Avenue Heartache”. Why the hell did I not listen to this album years ago??? I love jakob. Because he spells jakob with a k. and because he tells me every morning that “there’s got to be something better than in the middle…”

clear blue sky

Today, it’s going to be a week since I last saw jm. I miss my little sunshine who wishes a beautiful garden for me. I wish she’ll come back from singko soon…. I wonder where singko is… it sounds like a wonderful place… because she’s there.

I wish I had my own… my own sunshine, my own garden.

This morning, I took my shades off on my way to work. And I saw a clear blue sky… I felt like it’s the first clear blue sky I saw in months. I’ve always been partial to orange skies and sunsets… they’re gloomy and sad and personal. sometimes, even romantic. There’s always a sense of regret when I see orange skies and sunsets. But this morning, as I listened to “one headlight” and looked at the big, clear, blue sky, I felt… new. and maybe even hopeful.

I guess we all need a clear blue sky once in a while, to clear our minds, lift our spirits, warm our hearts and lighten our souls.

one headlight

One Headlight
Artist: The Wallflowers
Album: Bringing Down the Horse

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery treesI seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sign up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end it's just her window ledge

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think of death it must be killin' me

Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middleBut me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With One Headlight

new start

this blog is still under construction.

yep. i'm starting yet another one. how many times does one have to start over to finally start over? as many times as i have to. but i have a feeling this time, this is for real.



let there be...

respect for the earth.
peace for its people.
love in our lives.
delight in the good.

forgiveness for the past wrongs.