oh grow up!

she looks like the real thing
she tastes like the real thing
my Fake Plastic Love.
but i can't help the feeling
i could blow through the ceiling
if i just turn and run
and it wears me out, it wears me out
it wears me out, it wears me out.
and if i could be who you wanted
if i could be who you wanted,

~ fake plastic trees, radiohead

i hate holloween. never liked it. at least now, i know why. thanks to childhood’s end by arthur c clarke. according to that book, our fear of the classic portrayals of demons- dark skin, leathery wings, pointed tails are in fact, reverse racial memory- we premonitored their coming would foretell the end of our species. go figure.

i can’t believe she’s throwing this to my face.

use your head, please. for everyone’s sake. i know it’s not much, but for crying out loud, God gave you that brain, no matter how small it is, i’m sure you can squeeze some sense out of it.

you know what every ethical person would do? they would stay away from someone else’s fiancé, for starters. that’s what decent people do. come on, we’re all adults here. you knew what you were doing, from the start. he knew what he was doing. why the hell do you come to me, hoping for sympathy when you knew from the start that you were wrong? and you’re not even sorry.

and why would you accuse me of judging you when all i did was tell you the truth? don’t tell me you didn’t want that to happen. that was exactly what you hoped would happen. from the start, you knew he was a little attracted to you. you knew he was engaged. but instead of keeping your distance, you pretended to be his friend, pretended to be this sweet innocent friend who did all the things his fiancée couldn’t because she was away and sad. you sick bitch.

and she trusted you, you snake. she was thankful you were around to be his friend while she was away. and when you felt that something was happening? what did you do? instead of turning your back, you nurtured it. you wouldn’t have done anything about it until she started being suspicious.

and now you tell me that you’re not sure if you really love him? of course, you don’t! you liked him. and he knew that, that’s why he paid attention to you in the first place. and you found his attention flattering. you kept your ploy so he will continue paying attention to you. were you THAT starved for attention? to the point of compromising your morals? at other people’s expense? and the saddest part is, that moron bought your ruse.

and i judged you? again, i told you the truth. want to hear me judge you? here.. go ahead and fuck that moron. i’m sure it’ll make you feel soooooooooooooo good about yourself. isn’t that what you wanted? validation that you’re not an appalling person… to prove to yourself and to everyone that you can steal someone’s boyfriend?

what? he wouldn’t sleep with you? why? is he scared that by going to bed with you, you’ll bulldoze him into being in a real relationship with you? well, that’s just pathetic. and i don’t just mean the guy.

but you know what? now that I think about it, you two deserve each other. you’ll make an exquisite couple, i’m sure. i hope you two end up together, and i hope that one day, he’ll screw you over like he did his ex and realize that you were just his excuse for his inability to grow up.

i wouldn’t blame him. you made yourself an easy prey.

shrill

went to the dentist the other day. now, i’m the only person i know who likes having her teeth cleaned. you know that shrill sound of metal grinding against bone that drives everyone crazy? i like that. this time, i had a little extra. a bonus, if you may. the dentist massaged my gums. at first it felt weird, but you know what? it felt pretty damn good. you should try it. even better that shrill sound.

and my dentist is pretty. i wondered what i would feel if i were a guy and that pretty dentist was massaging my gums. hmm…. i want to be a guy, just for a day, no not lesbian, but a guy… a real guy, with a mustache, itchy balls, and the penchant for stupidity and boobs. i want to know what it feels like not to be responsible for anything in this world except for my useless balls.

but you know what? life is short. it’s not worth it.

out of stock

i really did not plan for it to happen. it started out innocent enough. i just went to glorietta last thursday to buy a gift for my cousin. the shirt he wanted wasn't available, it was too early to go home and i had time to spare... then one shoe led to another... and before i knew it, i was home friday night, exhausted... with 3 pairs of shoes, 2 bags, 5 blouses, 3 pairs of pants and a pair of lingerie, thinking... maybe i overdid it? no? yes?

so on saturday, to continue with my ongoing trend of self indulgence, i spent, yet again, an entire day sleeping, eating and watching mindless comedies on tv. this time, i had what's left of my rocky road ice cream, chocolate cookies, picnic ketchup fries and sinigang.

i am out of control. i will start eating right and I will clean my apartment and this is my last shopping spree for this year. i am not going to buy anything for myself until january. i swear.

i hope.

indulge

jingoy is turning three in two months. i can’t believe she’s just turning three… feels like she’s turning four… hehehe, which reminds me, if jingoy is turning three then jimmy is turning five, ready for nursery school. jingoy probably misses him and the rest of the gang. i’m sorry. i miss them too, you know.

i love saturdays. i know, it's a wednesday, but it's my saturday and this is my blog. anyway, i spent the entire day sleeping, eating and watching arrested development. had cheese cup cake, chocolate cups, blueberry cheesecake, baked spaghetti, beef taco and rocky road ice cream in my bed.

my clean laundry was set to be delivered later, along with my drinking water, so i put my feet up, lay on my bed ate till i couldn't and laughed my ass off. my favorite day.

final straw

who died and lifted you up to perfection?
~ final straw, r. e. m.

i don’t even know what to think anymore.

i have had enough.
i’m tired.
i’m fed up.
i’m pissed off.

sweet dreams

23 october 2006

had a strange dream last night. i was at enchanted kingdom with X. the place looked more like a train station than an amusement park, though. we were about to board the roller coaster, which in my dream, looked more like a slide, when i knew that X would die. i knew that he would fall off and die. and as soon as i sat on the slide, i was sure that i was going to jump off and die with him. so the ride started and soon enough, X fell off and died. i held on the train, went home, and locked myself up in my apartment. i curled up on my couch and hugged my knees as the world wondered if i knew that X was dead. i just sat there and listened, wondering why i was alive and he wasn’t, wondering why I held on to the train and didn’t go with him to die, wondering why i chose to live, knowing he will not be around, wondering why i wasn’t crying, why i wasn’t even sad… just wondering…

and that wasn’t even a nightmare.

at least that dream sort of made me forget the dream i had the night before. in that dream, billy corgan and james iha were sucking each other’s tongue off… ugh. still trying to shake that picture off of my tired head.

all boxed up

always on your side
~sheryl crow, wildflower

my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
but every now and then you come to mind
cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
but when your name was called, you found a place to hide
when you knew that I was always on your side

well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
but your demons and your angels reappeared
leavin' all the traces of the man you thought I'd be
leavin' me with no place left to go from
leavin' me so many questions all these years

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
how to pull it close and make it stay
butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
and I'm left to carry on and wonder why
even through it all, I'm always on your side

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
how to pull it close and make it stay
if butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
was it you that kept me wondering through this life
when you know that i was always on your side

suicidal imbecile

i want to go to enchanted kingdom and let that roller coaster hurl my body into the air for an entire day. i want to scream on top of my lungs and laugh till my face hurts. i want to have as much hotdogs and snow cones as i can.

“i just want to fly.
just you and i. together.”
~ high speed train
r. e. m., around the sun

aftermath

this is long overdue.

most people go home to a family, some go home to a child, a wife, a mother, a partner or a friend.

thursday night. i come home to pile of dirty dishes, probably a week old, a pile of clothes waiting to be pressed. and a stack of CD’s yet to be sorted or played. and jingoy sitting like a queen on top of everything.

been listening a lot to my own 90’s playlist lately. i think stipe finally found the light, hence the album around the sun. well good for him. if he was happy in shinny happy people, he discovered himself in automatic for the people, was a little lost in up, found his way back in reveal and finally, enlightened in around the sun. just can’t stop listening to that album and to sheryl crow’s wildflower. this is my favorite of all her albums… incidentally, it’s also the saddest.

i can listen to these two albums forever…

i guess, like michael stipe, i wanted to be wrong. unfortunately, like sheryl crow, i wasn’t.

tell me why

if i jumped into the ocean to believe.
if i climb a mountain would i have to reach?
do i even dare to speak? -- to dream? --believe?
give me a voice so strong
i can question what i have seen.

~around the sun
r. e. m. , around the sun

there's this guy. he thinks i’ll save him.

made me realize how easy it is to fall for someone who sees something good in you… even if you know that your heart wants someone else.

most of the time, what we want and what we need are two different things.

worst joke ever

spineless twat.