someone in the rain

"i know there are days when you feel that your heart is broken again... well, you know why? coz instead of moving on and walking forward, you hurt yourself by looking back."

the thing with the Forget Me Not’s in my garden is that they don’t forget. they don’t die. they cling on to every last drop of water, to every last carbon dioxide they can breathe, to every ray of sunlight. i’ve given up on them so many times in the past, but when i’m ready to uproot them and throw them away… a small bud appears at the end of a withering stem.

now, the problem with me, is that i always look back. they say that the hardest part about moving forward is not looking back. and it really is. especially with me.

i looked back when D got off the bus and I didn’t.

i looked back after my brother and I went in opposite directions after visiting my mom’s grave yesterday. I hardly get to spend time with my brother. the cemetery was as good a place as any to talk but it was cut short because the cemetery was closing for the day. and looking back at brother as he walked home made me realize that I wasn’t going home to a family. something was wrong. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was going home to a stuffed bear, to 6 parakeets who can’t even like each other enough to breed, to a goldfish who, just like me, probably just wanted to drown and die.

and on that last night of november last year, i looked back. after dinner and coffee, i told X that he didn’t have to walk me home. it was starting to rain and we were expecting the super typhoon that never came. now that i think about it, it’s one of my saddest memories.

if i wanted him to walk me home, then why did i tell him not to? maybe i was scared that he didn’t really want to. and if he really wanted to, he would have insisted, right?

i don't know why i wanted him to walk me home. maybe i was scared. scared to walk in the rain by myself. scared of the storm. scared to be alone in the storm.

for some reason, i don’t remember a lot of things that happened the last six years. when i try to remember, all I see is an ocean of things, an ocean of events and feelings that’s so far away that it doesn’t make sense. it's like i wasn't even there. when I try to recall how we met, and the things that brought us together, or the happy times we had, it doesn’t hurt anymore because i can’t remember them anymore. i remember short moments, but i can’t put them together… i can’t get them to make sense. now, what kind of person tries to remember when she’s supposed to forget and her mind is helping her out by forgetting?

anyway, i remember walking in the rain alone that night. the cold wind slapped my cheeks and hot tears fell from my eyes, and when i finally had the courage to look back, he wasn’t there anymore.

did i want to find you there, looking back at me, unable to leave? did i want to see you walking after me? did want to see you finally stand up for me? i don't know.

all i know is that when i did look back, you weren't there. and again, like before... you just walked away.

just like that.