movin' up

Finally, I found a new place. I’m moving out mid September. New home, new life. I hope.

Of course I’m scared… that dismal feeling at the pit of your stomach when something unpleasant will happen. I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I’m just afraid that this move will not be that big of a step. Something at the back of my head tells me that my other foot might still be in… or that I’ve only stepped on the line, not beyond.

I don’t know why I feel the need to get out of that comfort zone so much, maybe because I badly need this change. Btw, this comfort zone that I held on for too long, wasn’t even that comfortable.

The mommy chub died yesterday. And I cried for hours. And hours. of course, it was my fault she died. It’s my fault the baby chubs won’t have a mom and the daddy chub will be so sad, he’ll probably want to die now, too.

It’s me, I know. I don’t know how to take care of them. I don’t know how to take are of things and people and animals I love. I couldn’t get a spineless twat to stay and I’ve lost count of all the chubs and dolphins I’ve lost. And if jingoy could leave or kill herself, she probably would have done that by now. I just don’t know how to do this. I just don’t know the right way to love.