all in a night's tossing and turning...

As usual, I couldn’t sleep last night. I knew I had to get up at 11pm for my 1am shift, which made it harder for me to sleep. It was I think around 9:30 when sleep finally came. And in the hours before that, amidst all the tossing and turning, these thoughts were running through my head…

A couple of days ago I had the worst dream ever. I can’t tell you because it hurts too much to remember… and I’m terrified that it’s true. I’m so scared that it’s true because I don’t think I can bear any more pain than what I feel right now. I know I just can’t.

I know I can’t coz it’ll mean that it’ll be over forever. And he doesn’t make it easy by letting me know what’s going on. I don’t understand why he likes hurting me. i don’t know why he won’t just tell me the truth and cut me off my misery. How can he be so mean?

I can’t go on like this anymore. I know I can’t.

Then…

“what do you take the pills for?”
“eh… you know… life.”

Sometimes, life is so overwhelming. Sometimes, it’s just too much and you can’t breathe, you can’t sleep, and most of the time, you just wish you were dead.

A few minutes later…

Excuses/abuses

- no signal
- no load
- low battery
- fell asleep

and now, keypad not working.

I know that I have a choice. I can choose not to be around to hear the next abuse.

I mean, excuse.

And then…

I think I know where this is going. Heck, I’ve known where this is going for… let’s see… maybe a year… and yet…

I tell myself that I’m strong and I can do this. and by doing this, I’m proving that in the end, love will prevail… but really, who the hell am I kidding?

And who the hell is he kidding? Really? You tell me, will a short text message a day hinder him from enjoying his fucking team building? Will the few seconds he spends sending that message take away so much bliss, happiness and joy from that fucking team building. I Don’t Think So.

See, I’m trying really really hard to understand… to see things from his perspective. But I can’t. I’ve been on trips before; outings with my friends, vacations, drinking sprees, beach parties, night outs, etc… I’ve been there… and for some strange reason, I still manage to send a text message or two. And my friends did not seem to have a problem on that area either. And as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t take away any type of bliss from anyone, nor did it ruin anyone’s day. So, I’m just wondering… what the hell?

You tell me.

what the hell?

Well, of course, it turns out that I didn’t have to get up at 11:00 because the meeting was postponed. Found out around 12:30.

What? All that tossing and turning for nothing?

Someone just please shoot me in the head. And please,

make it good.