botany and my black wedding gown

i’m not saying that i didn’t miss x at all. in fact, i did. but i was fine. i think one part of me thinks i am better off without him. because without him, i can move on. and i know i can do this. i can just leave everything and i'll be fine. i can look at my future and live my life now without conveniently making room for him and awaiting his return. i think i should know by now that i’m not part of his future plans, hence, he doesn’t plan to come back anytime soon. so i should just walk away. that’s the smartest thing to do.

but see, he never makes plans. that’s just how he is. he doesn’t make plans.

yesterday, i tended to my new garden. actually, only one plant survived the move. it was, of course, my forget me not. now i feel bad. see, if i didn’t leave the other one, there’s a good chance it’ll still be alive.

one part of me thinks that maybe if i don’t leave, what little we have will thrive. and stay alive.

one part asks me if i want something that’s alive, but is barely getting by.

well, at least it’s still there.

what will you do with something that’s there, but doesn’t work?

if i stay, there’s a chance it’ll flourish and bloom into something.

i eradicate that chance if i leave. but i also allow something else to thrive, something potentially more beautiful, more worthwhile.

the other night, i dreamt that it was the morning of my wedding day. i was at the empty church, my shoes made a clucking noise as i walked through the shinny wooden floor. and i realized that this is my wedding day. this afternoon, i’ll be married to a guy who’s name and face i can’t remember and all i could think about is how to make things ok with X.

then i panicked, cried histerically, complained about everything, threw a hissy fit and scampered for excuses not to push through with the wedding. i couldn’t go through with it.

i can’t let that happen. at least, not for now.