my chemical weekend

my weekend was spent lying in bed woozy from chemicals. that about sums up my much awaited weekend which flew by like that last cigarette you had.

C backed up my decision. he said it’s for the better. he told me it’ll give me time to think and analyze what my intentions are.

saturday afternoon i knew i’m going to be sick so soon as i got home from my 12 hour shift, i took all the medicines i knew i needed. I had big plans for sunday, you see. it was Y’s bday and i knew we were going out and there were a couple of boxes i had to sort out in my new apartment. anyway, sunday morning i woke up still woozy and almost deaf from all the medicines i took the night before.

i know my intentions are selfish… so, he said, this was the time to look into myself and really analyze why i want the things i want.

the guy from the anti-anay company has been waiting at my doorstep for hours, he said. still a bit confused, i let him in and let him spray chemicals in the apt. He said it wasn’t harmful and i can stay indoors while i let the chemical dry out then i can re-arrange my furniture back.

i asked C until when do i do this. until the time is right, he said. and when is that?

still not fully understanding the situation, i took a shower after he left hoping to wake myself up a little. but, i decided to clean the bathroom with those harmful when inhaled cleaning agents. i felt dizzy while i scrubbed my tiles, but i didn’t stop until my chest ached. the fumes from the bathroom chemicals and the anti anay solution brought me to bed for more than 18 hours.

he said i have to do this until i stop caring if he texts or not, if i see him or not, if he’s in my life or not. i secretly doubted this will ever end.

i lay in bed and didn’t get up until the next day. and woke up writhing in pain. i don’t remember, but i don’t think i go to eat the day before.

why am i doing this again? i forgot. C said i’m doing this for myself, to finally have something for myself. that i am still in control of my own life, that i can win this.

nothing could have made me felt worse. i was thinking of calling my aunt to take me to the hospital.

win? i didn’t know this was a contest where someone has to win and someone has to lose.

despite the unbelievable pain in my stomach, i managed to make soup and ate. i took more medicines and fell asleep.

why am i doing this again? i keep forgetting. one part of me wants to just talk to him, as if everything’s fine, pretend that it’s ok… and that i’m willing to go where he takes me.

i was feeling a little better so i decided to clean my apartment and apply floor wax to my bedroom floor which drove me back to the bathroom to throw up.

i want to go to baguio with him and his family. i know it’ll probably not push through but i want to be there for that small possibility that it will.

i went back to bed and wondered what the hell i’m doing. i felt so bad. in every way a person can feel bad. i wanted to cry. but i think there’s finally nothing left.

i want to spend Christmas with him, although i know he might not care to spend it with me, i want to be there for that small chance that he might.

now, i’m back to work. i still feel like throwing up but i feel better. good thing i didn’t try to install the speakers. i could be in my pink apartment right now, bleeding to death. is it bad that i find that thought comforting?

but one part of me is terrified that there’s nothing waiting there for me but more lies and more pain.

it’s 2 hours past the end of my shift and just as i’m ready to wrap this up… it pours outside and i don’t have an umbrella or a jacket.

just so you know, the worst lies are the ones you don’t say out loud.

C said i just need a break… something to hold on to… something to keep me going…

i think i can start heading home now.

he said life can surprise us sometimes.