around the bend

My mind is a mangled mess. And whatever decisions I have to make… I’m just not. How are you supposed to decide on the thing that gives you so much joy yet brings you so much pain?

The weather has been drab the past few days and now I am under it.

It’s been so stressful here at the apartment the past few days that I had to go out just to breathe and think. and if I can’t be comfortable in my own home then there’s really not much left for me. I used to be able to take refuge in my little apartment. and if I want fresh air, I would just go outside and walk until I reach that park in front of the church. I would always end up there, sitting on the last pew, silently praying, sometimes, even crying for help. But all that’s gone now.

Anyway, I tried to relieve the stress by shopping for a pair of shoes. I made a little rule though. I can only buy a sensible pair. One that I can wear to work. (meaning I can wear them for about 8 hours) One that I can actually walk in. (meaning, no stilettos, no heels more than 2 inches). One that goes with my clothes (no purple, bright red or apple green pairs).

So I bought a book instead. Sensible shoes are mostly ugly. Who wants to buy ugly shoes?

I bought “Unless” by Carol Shields, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Stone Diaries. I don’t know why I bought the book. I haven’t heard of Carol Shields or her books before. But I am guessing that this will be a good read based on the reviews. and I just needed to buy something anyway.

With the number of books I currently have on queue, It’ll probably be a year before I get to read this.

I am stalling. I know. Crap. Not even Castro or Dylan can alleviate me from this dilemma. Again… what the hell have I gotten myself into?!

NP: Around the Bend : Pearl Jam
“off you dream, my little child
there's a sun around the bend
all the evenings close like this
all these moments that i've missed
please forgive me, won't you, dear?
please forgive and let me share...
with you around the bend”

ready or not, ivy. ready or not.

You guys will have to start making a decision and you’ll have to stand by it. Because a girl’s got to know. One moment you persuade me to get a puppy and then the next minute, you tell me not to because I’m ill equipped… (i.e. I’m scared of them and I can’t hold them.) Your indecision doesn’t help me at all…



You tell me the demands of a puppy, then you convince me to get one, but you never offer to help out. And to top it off, you keep looking for puppy ads and you keep calling to give me updates on the puppy hunt.



Make up your mind already. you know i can't read between the lines.



You tell me I will totally love the puppy but it will be miserable under my care and I’ll just probably put it up for adoption after a few months. then you send me researched articles about dogs and which breed is right for me and send me cute dog pictures like this:

And… just when I’ve decided not to get one, you show up at my door step telling me to go get dressed coz we’re seeing a breeder. What the hell?



So… anyway, meet tascha. My rascal of a shih tzu. I didn’t choose her. I didn’t even decide on getting her. She picked me. And she decided that she was going home with me.



well, brace yourself, tascha. you have no idea what you got us into.



(No picture of tascha yet. Will post asap.)

puppy lurv...

So, in the midst of all these chaos, I decided I want a dog. A Shih Tzu puppy. Now, the tricky part is I am scared shit of dogs. I have been as far back as I can remember. I am even scared of toy dogs, and I don’t mean a certain class of small dogs, but dogs that aren’t real. Dogs that don’t breathe and bite and pee.

So, why in the world do I want a dog? I don’t know. I just want one. I want one so bad, it’s driven me to tears when I realized that I can’t have a dog just yet. I am not ready to have a dog. And not just because I’m scared of dogs… I don’t think I’m ready for the responsibility, based on things I’ve heard and read about taking care of puppies. Like, that I’ll have to comb my puppy’s coat every day. Heck, I don’t even comb my hair everyday. And that my apartment will smell… and that I’ll have to clean after them…

But I really want one. And i really don’t know why. Do people really have to have a reason for wanting a puppy except that they just want one? I really don’t know if i want a puppy for the right reasons. I’m really new to all these, you see.

I actually have plans for the puppy. I will gate my pad to make sure that the pup won’t fall off the balusters to the stairs. I will also get a cage for her as her sleeping quarter. And she will have the most amazing play area at the garage downstairs. She will go to dog boarding school for a month to learn basic obedience training and so that I can get some training too on how to handle a dog. See, I have big, huge plans for this puppy.

Yet, I’m scared that I won’t be able to take care of her. I’m scared that what I have to offer won’t be enough. I live alone and I have to work. As it is, life can be too much sometimes… and right now, I’m still just catching up… so I guess I’ll have to put off getting a puppy for maybe a couple of weeks at least. But the shit is, I might have to start going to work in a week or two… which leaves me no time to actually get acquainted to the puppy before I have to leave her for at least 9 hours a day… alone. I’m no dog expert, and even though they said that I can leave a shih tzu alone in the house while I work, I still think that it’s a bit cruel to leave a little puppy by herself for that long a time.

Geeze… what to do… what to do…

And just as i was convinced that I can take care of one, a storm comes to shatter my confidence. Hmm… it was just a stupid storm. If I expect to take care of my own puppy, I should be able to go through a freaking storm with little tears and so much grace. Ah, but there I was, wide awake and crying alone while the storm raged outside.

I want a puppy so much. But I also want that puppy to have the best home she can have. And if I can’t give that… maybe I shouldn’t even be calling breeders and asking for appointments.

Then… I guess I’m not getting a puppy. At least not yet.

Okay… so maybe this is what I can do… after I finish cleaning up my apartment, and I mean finish, like everything clean, including the attic and the yard downstairs, I will set up the aquarium for my turtles then I will start calling breeders and I will start putting up puppy gates in my house. I think, maybe that is a good plan.

Oh, I have to start looking for a new job as well. Hah. Almost forgot about that.

NP: Cold Cold Heart : Nora Jones

"Why cant I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold cold heart?"