project : save up!

i knew it. tascha is a dog supermodel. the vet said so. she's tall, thin, has amazing hair, high maintenance, whinny, snotty, and has an eating disorder. she's a gem.

i left her reluctantly at the groomers. i didn't know it'll take more than 5 hours to groom her. oh well. in the meantime, i'll get some work done on that little secret project, which by the way, is turning out to be more work than i expected or welcomed.

i also brought home some work from the office because i do/say stupid things sometimes. and this is one of the consequences. argh.

i'm having second thoughts on tascha's future. i don't want her to have puppies. i have decided that before i even got her. i have no plans of getting more dogs. one is, as proven, more than i can handle. but, it seems with all the money i've spent on her and the number of people waiting for a litter from her, i might be compelled to take the other way and look for a stud in six months.

i have a new and essential project. it's called, "project: save up!" my spending habits have been pretty lose lately. ha. lose. more like out of control. and if i want to have *some* money left for christmas shopping this december, i better wise up and save some bucks. i'm starting today.

wish me luck!

that's me inside your head

Just how many pairs of shoes can a girl wear in a week? not more than 15, I would say. And yet I keep buying them. This week alone, I got 3 new pairs. I swear, they have power over me.

I think it was last weekend when my best friend, R dropped by to take pictures of tascha. It was so hard to take pictures of tascha because she was running all over the place and she stunk. Anyway, here are some of the pictures…





I went to the spa last Sunday, got a manicure, pedicure, foot spa and a chocolate facial. It felt sooo good. And I love my French tipped nails. IMHO, chocolate is still best eaten but slathered all over your face is not bad either.

There are days when I feel really positive about everything. Like there’s so much in store for me. And I know I will be able to somehow, get the things I want and reach the goals I’ve set and maybe even make my dreams come true. I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be happy. And I know I’ll get by the tough times on my own.

But there are days when you wonder if there’ll ever be someone. And it's not even about life being more convenient or easier if you have someone beside you.

it's not that. it's more like... it's just ... happier.


NP: far more : honorary title
"Is this the sound of our demise
Or just the opposite?
I love you and I miss you
What else is there to say?"

sweet little genius

I trained tascha how to sit!!! She’s so smart. I couldn’t be prouder. Before you know it that puppy will be doing math. Sweet little genius. Haha.

To my friends who drop by once in a while. I now have a doorbell. Please. Stop screaming at the gate and start pushing that tiny little button on the left side of the gate. it’s a bit obscured to keep the kids from ringing the bell 10x a day.

And to those asking for pictures of tascha. I will try to get some this weekend. I still have to borrow a camera coz my old one is still broken. I still haven’t gotten around to getting it fixed. And I’m lazy.

And I know that my home phone is not working. Globe is already working on it. i’m sorry if I seem to be out of touch. For some reason I just find it incredibly tiring to text. So much of an effort.

NP: para sa masa : eraserheads
mapapatawad mo ba ako
kung hindi ko sinunod ang gusto mo
pinilit kong iahon kangunit ayaw mo namang sumama
ito ay para sa mga masa
sa lahat ng binaon ng sistema
sa lahat ng fans ni sharon cuneta

life. and life only.

tascha is mad at me. She bit me and my thumb is bleeding. And while I can now eat, she has decided to stop eating. She hasn’t been eating well since she left. And I think she’s mad at me for giving her away and leaving her. she cried again when I left earlier. She always cries when I leave. I hate this.

Another chub chub died. I think they’re all fighting again coz one of them has a new egg. I should stop getting new pets. Seriously. I’m not good at this. at all.

NP: It’s Alright, Ma (I’m only bleeding): Bob Dylan
"Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?
And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only."

lost dog and tag

Well, tascha’s gone now… The apartment seems suddenly so empty. Sometimes I still expect to hear her slight whimper.

I think I lost her tag. I couldn’t find it and there aren’t too many places where I could have left it.

and… I still can’t eat. But, it’s only been like 4 hours since she left, so…

While I am glad not to have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to clean dog poop… I still miss her.

Tascha, you heartbreaker you.

NP: Someday Baby : Bob Dylan
When all else fails I'll make it a matter of self respect
I try to be friendly, I try to be kind
Now I'm gonna drive you from your home, just like I was driven from mine
Living this way ain't a natural thing to do
Why was I born to love you?
Someday baby, you ain't gonna worry po' me any more.

tangled up in blue

I should never be let loose inside a bookstore these days. I end up buying books I’m not going to be able to read in a year AND spending money I no longer have. And yet I keep adding to the stack of unread books lying in my apartment.



Among other books, I bought Ray Bradbury’s sequel to Dandelion Wine, Farewell Summer and Annie Proulx’s Bad Dirt. I just couldn’t resist it. Anyway, some of the books were on sale. That’s really not an excuse, I know.



And it just occurred to me that even after I’ve gone on several book-shopping sprees, I still haven’t bought that Charlie Brown/Snoopy book I’ve wanted for a long time. Crap.





I think I should stop listening to Dylan for awhile. Tascha is starting to think her dad mumbles a lot and is kicking ass with the harmonica.



She is leaving on Monday. I am pretty sure she’ll be loved and cared for in her new home. I’ve started to prepare her stuff (records, papers, etc) and it’s so sad…



I bought this for tascha back when I was going to build her a dog house and a play ground downstairs. The dog looked so much like her.













Ah tascha… the little happiness I couldn’t keep.







NP: tangled up in blue : bob Dylan

"And I was standin' on the side of the road

Rain fallin' on my shoes

Heading out for the East Coast

Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,

Tangled up in blue."

straight up

I have to stop signing job offers if I don’t intend to actually get the job. At the rate I am going, I will be blacklisted from these companies and will probably regret it when and if the time comes that I am serious about working for them.



Anyway… I think I will be working for my previous company and I think work will start on Monday. I’m just not so sure yet and I’m still looking around.



In an effort to get my ass off my warm bed, M forced me to go with her yesterday. She is not the kind of person you reason with, because believe me, it is futile. So I went with her. Strange thing is that she gives really good relationship advice. Strange because she doesn’t come across as someone well versed in matters of the (broken) heart. And she always starts with … “ if you ask me” or “if you want my opinion…” which I find really amusing because with her, you really don’t have a choice. :)



We were supposed to get our social security ID’s but the capture machine wasn’t working… so we went to the mall and waited for her scheduled interview. I didn’t plan on applying at that company yet. But, I didn’t feel like going home so I gave my resume… and well… how do you answer the question, “what assurance do we have that this time, you’re not wasting our time again?” when you know that you are wasting their time, again? Hmmm…



My last shred of hope to keep tascha fell apart last night. I will miss her. She truly is my baby. Over the course of two weeks, I’m afraid that much like me, she has also learned to silently cry herself to sleep.



Well, right now, my only concern is if I should drink this chilled strawberry wine straight from the bottle or if I should get out of bed to get that giant goblet.

now, that channing tatum? one.hot.dude.

All things considered, I have an extended/special/deluxe now playing edition:



there is no if : the cure

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...

And it starts the day you make the sign

"tell me I'm forever yours and you're forever mine

Forever mine... "



Remember the last time I told you I love you -

It was warm and safe in our perfect world –



"if you die" you said "so do i" you said

But it ends the day you understand

There is no if... just and

There is no if... just and

There is no if..."



going to california : led zeppelin

“I think I might be sinking.

Throw me a line if I reach it in time

I’ll meet you up there where the path

Runs straight and high.

To find a queen without a king;

They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.”



it doesn’t have to be that way : jim croce

“And the Christmas carols sound like blues,

But the choir is not to blame.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

What we had should never have ended.”



stop crying your heart out : oasis

“Cos all of the stars are fading away

Just try not to worry you'll see them some day

Take what you need and be on your way

And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared

You'll never change what been and gone”



two star : everything but the girl

“So it's not for me to say,

because I change my mind from day to day,

and when I look at you

I only see bits of myself anyway.

So go on, and stop listening to me.

Stop lisening to me.

And don't ask me what to say,

or to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray.”



every grain of sand : bob dylan

“I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea

Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times it's only me.

I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man

Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.”





flowers in december : mazzy star

"Before I let you down again

I just want to see you in your eyes

I would have taken everything out on you

I only thought you could understand



They say everyman goes blind in his heart

And they say everybody steals somebody's heart away

And I got nothing more to say about it

Nothing more than you would me



Send me your flowers, of your december

Send me your dreams, of your candy wine

I got just one thing I cant give you

Just one more thing of mine



They say everyman goes blind in his heart

They say everybody steals somebodys heart away

And Ive been wondering why you let me down

And I been taking it all for granted."



oh, fuck.

spot trainer

Know what I like? Surprises. Like when a friend dropped by to say hi at around 10:30 last night coz he just happened to be in the neighborhood. I thought that was sweet.

Well, it turns out that the new fan I bought wasn’t missing a part. The manual was just useless and I didn’t screw the blade right. Ha. All that screaming at the lousy customer service rep for nothing. Tee. Hee.

I’m not sure if I should start putting up ads for possible homes for tascha or if I should wait this out a little bit. And, I just want to be clear on this one… it’s not just the poop cleaning I’m having such a hard time with… it’s me, being scared. That’s the main thing. So, like the overly abused break up line, it’s not you tascha, it’s me. I have to work on my inner demons and you deserve better… and incidentally, this time with tascha, no truer break up lines were ever said.

Should I wait it out, send her to dog boarding school then if it still doesn’t work out then I’ll start looking for new owners? And while she’s at dog school, I’ll mentally prepare for what’s to come? Or… should I start looking for someone who’ll take her while she’s still just three months old… save myself a lot of dough for the dog boarding school, cut off all this emotional trouble, asap?

R went over today to go through my CDs and suggested that maybe I can get someone to help me with tascha and the apartment, full time. I am not sure about this yet. But I’m willing to look further into this option.

Although, right now… I am still convinced that I can’t live with a dog, with or without a full time dog sitter. I simply can’t have one. I haven’t posted an ad for tascha yet. But I am pretty convinced that unless some sort of divine intervention comes along, I am giving her up.

and I know You know, but it wouldn’t hurt to say it… I am kind of waiting.

NP: the sky is broken : moby
"See the storm is broken
In the middle of the night
Nothing left here for me
It's washed away"

fail and shake

I know I said this just a few hours ago, “But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.” But now… I don’t know.

I think I may have to let her go. I can’t constantly be agitated like this. I haven’t slept well or had more than a meal each day since I got her. I’m all for the losing weight part, but this isn’t healthy, even for me. And I’m pretty loose on my health standards so, coming from me, that’s saying a lot.

And I am shaking right now. Like literally shaking. This can’t be right.

Badfish : Sublime
“When you grab a hold of me
Tell me that I'll never be set free
But I'm a parasite creep and crawl I step into the night.”

blades a-flyin', sinks a sinkin'

I haven’t posted pictures of tascha because my camera is not working and I can’t take a good picture using my phone coz she keeps moving… and my phone camera can’t keep up. Speaking of those who can’t keep up...

I am sooooo tired. Cleaning dog poo sure takes a whole lot of my time. Being scared 24 hours a day sure is tiring. Not to mention nasty to my tummy.

Tascha, now, she is a handful. She is as feisty as I am terrified. But now my fear is twofold. One, I’m still scared of dogs. That includes tascha, although I can now touch and carry her. Two, whenever I’m not home I fear something bad will happen to her. i don’t want to leave her alone in my apartment, but I have no choice sometimes. There are a lot of errands to run and even more work to be done. When I’m not home with her (even if I have someone puppy sitting) I worry.

Whether I’m watching a movie, grocery shopping, or out drinking with my friends, my mind wanders to tascha, hoping she’s happy and safe. and I don’t like this. I don’t like worrying.

The only thing I fear more than a stuffed dog is a dead one. I think I will instantly faint if I ever saw one.

People tell me that it’s just hard now because she’s still a puppy but once she grows up, it wouldn’t be so hard to have her around. Right now, she needs constant care and attention and I don’t even know if I can make it till she’s three months old and ready for Dog Boarding School. (how can seven lousy days go by so so so sloooow???)

It’s been like 3 days since I brought her home, and honestly, it feels like it’s been a month. This is supposed to be my rest and relaxation time. Time to sort the crooked and haywire parts of my life. And waking up at 5am to clean dog poop is not part of that. Well, it wasn’t. now it is. Damn.

There are times when I just want to go online and post an ad for a three month old shih tzu with 21 red marks and 5 green marks on her paper.

It’s almost like I adopted a baby. I know… I know. having a baby is a million times more serious than getting a puppy and I have very little knowledge in infant care but sometimes, I feel like it would have been a bit less stressful for me. Well, first, I’m not scared of babies. I love them and I don’t have a nagging fear whenever they are around. Second, I won’t have to worry too much about leaving the baby, because you can take your baby to malls, restaurants and groceries. And third, at least I won’t have to justify getting a baby sitter as opposed to getting a dog sitter.

See, I am not ready for this. Clearly. I lived a really carefree albeit selfish life for over two years now and I really like it. I live for myself and I’m responsible for no one. It’s actually kinda fun…

I swear. me and tascha, we are the worst pair in canine/human history.

But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.

Now, before I am forced to change the name of this blog to “ivy gets a puppy”…

I lost another turtle. Shit. I got two turtles as a birthday gift (because I lost the ones I had before) and now, I lost one again! I hope it’s in the backyard, slowly wandering. I’m having the backyard mowed and weaned tomorrow. I hope we find my turtle.

I bought a new fan yesterday. The blade almost flew off the base to chop my head off. Ahh. Me and my near misses… it turns out that it’s missing a part. Duh. The one that secures the blade to the motor shaft.

Go figure.

Aaaaaaaaand….

My bathroom sink fell off. It just did. And it’s sitting on my toilet as I write this. I won’t post pictures of that coz… even though I hardly get embarrassed, this one is quite mortifying. I’ll leave that to your imagination.

And go wild.


NP: wrong way : sublime
"Don't run away if you wanna stay
Cuz I ain't here to make ya..."

ready or not, ivy. ready or not.

You guys will have to start making a decision and you’ll have to stand by it. Because a girl’s got to know. One moment you persuade me to get a puppy and then the next minute, you tell me not to because I’m ill equipped… (i.e. I’m scared of them and I can’t hold them.) Your indecision doesn’t help me at all…



You tell me the demands of a puppy, then you convince me to get one, but you never offer to help out. And to top it off, you keep looking for puppy ads and you keep calling to give me updates on the puppy hunt.



Make up your mind already. you know i can't read between the lines.



You tell me I will totally love the puppy but it will be miserable under my care and I’ll just probably put it up for adoption after a few months. then you send me researched articles about dogs and which breed is right for me and send me cute dog pictures like this:

And… just when I’ve decided not to get one, you show up at my door step telling me to go get dressed coz we’re seeing a breeder. What the hell?



So… anyway, meet tascha. My rascal of a shih tzu. I didn’t choose her. I didn’t even decide on getting her. She picked me. And she decided that she was going home with me.



well, brace yourself, tascha. you have no idea what you got us into.



(No picture of tascha yet. Will post asap.)