brand spanking NEW!

I got the freaking bouquet!

In honor of C’s wedding yesterday, I listened to STP on my way to her wedding. Which made me wish I was in high school, a time when I played tennis and drums and my mom was alive and everything was possible.

The wedding was fun. At least, for me and most of my friends, it was. I could only imagine the stress the couple went through. I love weddings, it’s always full of hope and flowers and shinny stuff.

I don’t really cry at weddings. But this one, I almost did. Wouldn’t it be perfect when, during your wedding, you read the vows written by the church and you realize that the vows perfectly describe your relationship with the man you’re marrying? I was so happy for my friend, I almost cried.

Congratulations, C and C! and thanks for the chardonnay!

NP: wicked garden : Stone Temple Pilots
"Can you see without eyes ?
Can you speak without lies ?
I wanna drink from you naked fountain
I can drown your sorrows
I'm gonna burn, burn you to life now
Out of the chains that bind you

Can you see just like a child ?
Can you see just what I want ?
Can I bring you back to life ?
Are you scared of life ?

Can you feel pain inside ?
Can you love ?
Can you cry ?
I wanna run through your wicked garden
Heard that's the place to find you
'Cause I'm alive
So alive now
Out of the dark that blinds you"

that's me inside your head

Just how many pairs of shoes can a girl wear in a week? not more than 15, I would say. And yet I keep buying them. This week alone, I got 3 new pairs. I swear, they have power over me.

I think it was last weekend when my best friend, R dropped by to take pictures of tascha. It was so hard to take pictures of tascha because she was running all over the place and she stunk. Anyway, here are some of the pictures…





I went to the spa last Sunday, got a manicure, pedicure, foot spa and a chocolate facial. It felt sooo good. And I love my French tipped nails. IMHO, chocolate is still best eaten but slathered all over your face is not bad either.

There are days when I feel really positive about everything. Like there’s so much in store for me. And I know I will be able to somehow, get the things I want and reach the goals I’ve set and maybe even make my dreams come true. I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be happy. And I know I’ll get by the tough times on my own.

But there are days when you wonder if there’ll ever be someone. And it's not even about life being more convenient or easier if you have someone beside you.

it's not that. it's more like... it's just ... happier.


NP: far more : honorary title
"Is this the sound of our demise
Or just the opposite?
I love you and I miss you
What else is there to say?"

bad ass (part II)

He who does not weep does not see.

~ les miserables



I was watching tv on a Sunday morning, wondering how to go about my day when this song played on TV and I started bawling like a cow. This song is so sad.

Recently, my friends have been telling me that I’m jaded. Which is weird because, maybe four of them used the actual term “jaded” and that I haven’t told them much to merit such comment. Huh.



I don’t really know where I’m at right now. But I don’t think I’m jaded. I know I’m scared, which I think is understandable considering… well, everything. The truth is, I’m a hopeless romantic. I want to believe that true love still exists and that people who are meant to be together actually end up together. I want to believe that there's one true love for everyone and if you work hard enough and you wait long enough, it'll happen and you'll find that happiness that you only read about in books, the kind of happiness that changes your life. I want to believe that love is true and that it's forever. I have to believe it still exists.



so... maybe I'm jaded. maybe I'm delusional... and I admit I’m scared. but right now,



i'd like to think i'm a cold heartless bitch until someone comes along and takes the time to know me enough to tell me otherwise.



NP: first cut is the deepest : sheryl crow

"I would have given you all of my heart

but there's someone who's torn it apart

and she's taking almost all that I've got

but if you want, I'll try to love again

baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest.."

massive aggressive

There are days when I don’t know how many hours I’ve been awake. And there are days when I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep. All I know is that when my alarm goes off, I have to get up and go to work. I’m not even sure what date it is. The date on my phone says it’s 5-11-08. whatever that means, I’m quite sure it’s not right. Last week, while at work, I started telling everyone how glad I am that it’s already Friday and we get to finally rest the next day. It was just Wednesday. Who would have thought? I think I’ve been awake for around 40 hours.

I think this is the first time in almost a month that I got off work while the sun is still up. it’s a national holiday so the streets were almost empty. While the bus rushed through roxas boulevard, I noticed a photographer on the sidewalk. He was on one knee while he took pictures of my orange sky. I wouldn’t even have noticed the sunset if I hadn’t seen that photographer.

I wonder if his high tech camera lens can capture the sky as I see it. Or at least the way I used to. I tried to remember how it felt, seeing it for the first time. But I can’t remember much. Just that I was overwhelmed. Now… I find that it’s empty but still overwhelming.

The thing about sunsets and orange skies is that no painting or picture can ever be as beautiful… because you have to be there.


It’s just never what it is when you’re not there.


NP: masters of war : bob dylan
"And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand over your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead."

mugged

I think I’m going to like this management training I have to take everyday after my regular shift. Well… I learn a lot. and the view is great.



You know how it is when you like someone and you get to talk to him and you’re so concerned you’ll say something dumb? Well, I said, “I love your mug”.



First: I don’t love it. I like it. a little. It’s nice, not amazing.



Second: it’s not even a mug. It’s a fucking tumbler.

Credit castrocopia for the facepalm.



Why do I have the feeling that despite having to be at work for 13 hours a day, I will go home with a silly smile on my face every night for weeks?



NP: Help Me : Joni Mitchell

"Help me

I think I'm falling

In love again

When I get that crazy

I know I'm in trouble again

I'm in trouble"

chicken shit

AWWWWW!!!



My face hurts. And my stomach hurts like a motherf*%ker. And that is putting it mildly. Excuse the profanity but I find it really really really comforting to throw around expletives when I am stark raving mad.



This is what happens when you withhold the truth from a friend, the same truth she’s repeatedly asked from you for years. She harbors an unreasonable amount of hate.



Snoopy.com is not working. It hasn’t been working since last night. there’s this strip I’ve been looking for where Charlie Brown says every child should have been issued with a dog and a banjo. And I can’t find it anywhere. I need my daily Charlie Brown strip, dammet!!!

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit. - (it's called a br... yep i'm reading that book again. )





Ok, so here goes… you can all scream, “I told you so!!!” and feel free to raise an eyebrow, hit me with a jackhammer, add some adjectives, heck you can even throw in a profanity or two. I would humbly take it because I f@%king deserve it.



Anyway… I’ve done this before and I’m toughing it out. Don’t think I’m giving up. I’ve seen a lot of battles in my life and I have learned to choose which ones I fight and which ones just aren’t worth it.



So… I’m bringing out the troops. I have a bottle of tequila and half a bottle of strawberry wine left. Plus… I am willing to shell out a considerable amount of cash for vodka or/and red wine.



Meanwhile, I will drown my sorrows in the bowels of castrocopia where tour videos, love of the castropantz and profanity abound.



NP: walk on water : aerosmith

"I never seen a smile that looked so sad

A yeah... you make me feel so good 'cause you're so bad

Hey little darlin'

Your love is legendary

Love's four letters

Ain't in my dictionary"

around the bend

My mind is a mangled mess. And whatever decisions I have to make… I’m just not. How are you supposed to decide on the thing that gives you so much joy yet brings you so much pain?

The weather has been drab the past few days and now I am under it.

It’s been so stressful here at the apartment the past few days that I had to go out just to breathe and think. and if I can’t be comfortable in my own home then there’s really not much left for me. I used to be able to take refuge in my little apartment. and if I want fresh air, I would just go outside and walk until I reach that park in front of the church. I would always end up there, sitting on the last pew, silently praying, sometimes, even crying for help. But all that’s gone now.

Anyway, I tried to relieve the stress by shopping for a pair of shoes. I made a little rule though. I can only buy a sensible pair. One that I can wear to work. (meaning I can wear them for about 8 hours) One that I can actually walk in. (meaning, no stilettos, no heels more than 2 inches). One that goes with my clothes (no purple, bright red or apple green pairs).

So I bought a book instead. Sensible shoes are mostly ugly. Who wants to buy ugly shoes?

I bought “Unless” by Carol Shields, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Stone Diaries. I don’t know why I bought the book. I haven’t heard of Carol Shields or her books before. But I am guessing that this will be a good read based on the reviews. and I just needed to buy something anyway.

With the number of books I currently have on queue, It’ll probably be a year before I get to read this.

I am stalling. I know. Crap. Not even Castro or Dylan can alleviate me from this dilemma. Again… what the hell have I gotten myself into?!

NP: Around the Bend : Pearl Jam
“off you dream, my little child
there's a sun around the bend
all the evenings close like this
all these moments that i've missed
please forgive me, won't you, dear?
please forgive and let me share...
with you around the bend”