some time...

The doctor said, “you’re going to be in pain for some time”

Define “some time”.

Is it a week? A month? A year? Five? Ten ?

Will I even live long enough to know life without it?


“What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me? Into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better, because if the scanner sees only darkly the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again.” - a scanner darkly

213

Shades are drawn
No one out can see
What I've done
What's become of me
Here I stand
Above all thats been true
How I love
How I love to kill you

~ 213 : Slayer : Divine Intervention

Take a lesson from the strangeness that you feel.

Bad day. Woke up with a terrible sore throat and a fever.

Okay. So in the spirit of St. Valentine’s Day…. (yeah, right)

When you were younger you were made to believe that more than anything, love is a feeling. Something you can’t control. Something you don’t have a say over. But it seems, over the years, that it’s not. As you grow older, you realize that love, ultimately, is a decision. Feelings fade. Love shouldn’t.

At the end of the day, we choose who we love. We choose who we come home to. We choose who we take care of. We choose who we allow to take care of us. We choose who we wake up in the morning with. We choose who we share our life with. We choose who we don’t give up on. We choose who we stick with.

When I was seven, in an attempt to make me understand what love is, a very intelligent woman told me that love is something you have to give everyday to make it stick.

It is a conscious decision to “make it stick.” a deliberate and intentional effort to make it work… every single day.

We make decisions everyday, some more important than others. It’s just sad that we often leave the most important decision of our lives to chance.

monday blues

Monday morning, sitting on my couch, weighing up my life… after almost an hour, I hadn't come up with anything new. Still the same goals. Still the same M.O. except I decided that I need a new bag. A new pair of shades. A new bathing suit. And I need to find a pair of high top chuck taylors in hot pink.

Hmmm...

8 easy steps

been listening to alanis morissette’s “the collection” album lately. excluding the songs from her “jagged little pill” album, i’ve grown to like some of the songs like simple together, everything, 8 easy steps, hands clean and princess familiar. she really is the queen of break up albums. i recommend her music to every girl who’s nursing a broken heart. I’m not saying that I’m broken hearted right now… it’s more like double jeopardy; you can’t be accused of the same crime twice.

someone in the rain

"i know there are days when you feel that your heart is broken again... well, you know why? coz instead of moving on and walking forward, you hurt yourself by looking back."

the thing with the Forget Me Not’s in my garden is that they don’t forget. they don’t die. they cling on to every last drop of water, to every last carbon dioxide they can breathe, to every ray of sunlight. i’ve given up on them so many times in the past, but when i’m ready to uproot them and throw them away… a small bud appears at the end of a withering stem.

now, the problem with me, is that i always look back. they say that the hardest part about moving forward is not looking back. and it really is. especially with me.

i looked back when D got off the bus and I didn’t.

i looked back after my brother and I went in opposite directions after visiting my mom’s grave yesterday. I hardly get to spend time with my brother. the cemetery was as good a place as any to talk but it was cut short because the cemetery was closing for the day. and looking back at brother as he walked home made me realize that I wasn’t going home to a family. something was wrong. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was going home to a stuffed bear, to 6 parakeets who can’t even like each other enough to breed, to a goldfish who, just like me, probably just wanted to drown and die.

and on that last night of november last year, i looked back. after dinner and coffee, i told X that he didn’t have to walk me home. it was starting to rain and we were expecting the super typhoon that never came. now that i think about it, it’s one of my saddest memories.

if i wanted him to walk me home, then why did i tell him not to? maybe i was scared that he didn’t really want to. and if he really wanted to, he would have insisted, right?

i don't know why i wanted him to walk me home. maybe i was scared. scared to walk in the rain by myself. scared of the storm. scared to be alone in the storm.

for some reason, i don’t remember a lot of things that happened the last six years. when i try to remember, all I see is an ocean of things, an ocean of events and feelings that’s so far away that it doesn’t make sense. it's like i wasn't even there. when I try to recall how we met, and the things that brought us together, or the happy times we had, it doesn’t hurt anymore because i can’t remember them anymore. i remember short moments, but i can’t put them together… i can’t get them to make sense. now, what kind of person tries to remember when she’s supposed to forget and her mind is helping her out by forgetting?

anyway, i remember walking in the rain alone that night. the cold wind slapped my cheeks and hot tears fell from my eyes, and when i finally had the courage to look back, he wasn’t there anymore.

did i want to find you there, looking back at me, unable to leave? did i want to see you walking after me? did want to see you finally stand up for me? i don't know.

all i know is that when i did look back, you weren't there. and again, like before... you just walked away.

just like that.

heck

this is long over due. it’s not even… ah, what the heck… for what its worth,

simple together
~ alanis morissette, so-called chaos

you've been my golden best friend
now with post-demise at hand
can't go to you for consolation
cause we're off limits during this transition

this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and I can't stop bumping into things

i thought we'd be simple together
i thought we'd be happy together
i thought we'd be limitless together
i thought we'd be precious together
but I was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and then some
i remembered you the moment I met you
with you I knew God's face was handsome
with you I saw fun and expansion
this loss is numbing meIt pierces my chest
and I can't stop dropping everything

i thought we'd be sexy together
i thought we'd be evolving together
i thought we'd have children together
i thought we'd be family together
but I was sadly mistaken

if I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
if I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
if I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

i thought we'd be genius together
i thought we'd be healing together
i thought we'd be growing together
i thought we'd be adventurous together
but I was sadly mistaken

i thought we'd be exploring together
i thought we'd be inspired together
i thought we'd be flying together
i thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken.

happy crappy

so that the hell am I so happy about?

so many things. this morning, on my way to work, I realized that there were so many things happening. just so much to look forward to. first, my applications, then there’s the transfer and a new house. there’s that hot air balloon fest. then the week after that. there’s also that thingy that I can’t mention. then there’s that concert. then my ipod and my aunt and my grandma coming home for a visit. and so much more.

I’m just happy. glad to be alive. excited over the unknown. happy.

a far cry from a week before when I blatantly expressed my desire to just go home, curl up and die.

this could be messy

when I was a kid, I decided that I wasn’t going to be that kind of girl.

I’m still not.
I’m starting to fall.

he was supposed to leave.
but he didn’t.

but i’m not that kind of girl.
I’m never going to be that kind of girl.

one way motorway

“what is crooked cannot be made straight, and what is lacking cannot be counted.”

ecclesiastes 1:15

when your friends are making things easier for you, you should just listen to them and do what they say. your friends only want the best for you. they have no selfish intentions, they just genuinely want you to be happy; to be well. so when I know that I’m not thinking clearly, I should just go along with them. after all, they are thinking clearly. and I am not.

but, the masochist that I am, I am taking the high road. or am I ?

is this one of those situations where giving up is harder than holding on?

a moon for the misbegotten

“therefore this iniquity shall be to you like a breach in a high wall,
bulging out, and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly in an instant;
and its breaking is like that of a potters vessel that is smashed so ruthlessly
that among its fragments not a shard is found with which to take fire from the hearth,
or to dig up water out of the cistern. “
Isaiah 30:13-14

did you see the moon last night? it was so thin and bright. the edges were so clear and sharp, it could have cut right through me like a knife. according to my ever reliable zire, it’s the first new moon of the year…

I did it. submitted my request to be transferred to a land so far away from here. finally. I hope I get transferred. and I hope it happens soon. it’s almost time to look for a new job and a new home anyway. might as well move to place that’s not here. this has gone on long enough.

I am ready.

. . .

okay.

detox

I want to run away. I want to go to a place so far from here and never go back…
Why don’t I?


The lady behind the spa’s counter asked me to choose an oil, pointing to the cardboard menu in front of me.

- therapeutic
- rejuvenating
- refreshing
- energizing
- anti stress

I wanted to ask her if they had an “enlightening” oil. I sure as hell could use a little enlightenment in my life right now, I thought.

So in my pursuit of enlightenment, I chose the Anti Stress oil. It was tall order that I get a massage or get out of town last weekend, or do something to calm my nerves and clear my mind. I knew that staying home watching TV the whole day was not going to be enough. I planned to go somewhere peaceful and quiet but I was running a fever, so traveling was out of the question. I needed to get this out of my system so I can move on and start doing the things I have to do…which, as of last count, were plenty.

I think I heard it from that movie, “crash”, that we miss the sense of touch so much that we crash into each other, just to we can feel something.

Hazel was a blessing. Her soft hands gliding though my oiled skin made me aware of every muscle, every curve, and every detail in my body. Every stroke forced my tired muscles to rest… giving just enough pressure, not too much that it hurt, and not too little that I didn’t feel anything… it wasn’t enlightening, but it felt so good, I didn’t mind being a mess.

If you suddenly feel the need to be held, to have someone’s weight press your body against a bed, have someone pay attention to every detail of your body… if you suddenly need to feel someone hold you like she meant it, or if you just need a break… a rest from everything but for some reason you can’t get away… or maybe if you need a little enlightenment… do what I did:

1. chose an oil
2. take your clothes off
3. and close your eyes.

at last

i'm so happy. finally fixed this blog. hihihi. i almost started to create a new blog. so happy.

at last, A is done. finally. hope i wake up in time for work tomorrow at 5.

baby butatot.

I miss my mom.

The woman who sat beside me in the bus on my way home last night strangely reminded me of my mom. She didn’t look like my mom at all, save the teacher’s uniform and maybe if my mom is still alive, they’ll be about the same age. The only things that connected us were that we were both getting off at the same stop and that we were both equally spaced out.

And the way she smiled. It was the creases near the corner of her eyes that caught me for a few seconds before I was able to answer her question. She could have been my mom. She had a warm, sensitive smile that I would guess only mothers can give their daughters.

If my mom was here, she’ll let me cry the whole day. She’ll stroke my back and let me cry until i fall asleep. And when I wake up, she’ll be there, her eyes, just as puffy as mine. She wouldn’t tell me that things will be better soon enough… just that she’ll always be there. And I wouldn’t have any doubt that she will be. And it would have been enough.

She wouldn’t tell me that I was stupid to have let things happen the way they did, she’ll understand. And she’ll tell me stories of how I loved writing letters to her. How I always messed up her garden, but it was okay because she loves waking up with the cut flowers beside her bed. She’ll tell me how I drove her and my grandma crazy because I loved playing under the sun until my skin gets burned. And how I always come home with a collection of bugs, dragon flies, butterflies and spiders…. And how that drove my brother crazy.

She’ll tell me of that summer when I got myself so fat from eating dilis and Indian mango every afternoon under the mango tree, until I fall asleep on the “papag”. She’ll tell me how I loved to laugh and sing and write letters to everyone… how I hated playing patintero because I was too darn slow… how I almost never cried… and how I snore like a pig. We’ll laugh about them, then I’ll cry again, and she’ll hold me close and she’ll tell me to rest my heart... and i'll know that everything will be fine.

this is the last time...

Angels Or Devils

- dishwalla : opalline

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around

I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up-
and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

berserk

like its author and its favorite subject, this blog is all screwed up. I don’t know what happened, but the line breaks went berserk and I can’t fix it. Dang. I don’t want to create another blog. But I can’t continue with this screwed up blog. And I’m still trying to figure out if it’s even worth editing my previous posts. Or transfer them to a new one or just plain start somewhere else…

the flower on the hill...

M sent me this forwarded email sometime ago. I didn't finish reading it because it hit so close to home... but it's nice, really ... made me think. again.

Here is the story for those lost the sense of romance in their live....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before,has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy.My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.

One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce."Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table nearthe front door, that goes....

My dear,"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.."This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautifulsand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.... flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship.Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... and that's our life.. . Love, not words win arguments...

alive 2007

this is my favorite picture from that wolfgang/razorback concert i’ve waited for for a long time. it was stupid of me not to set my camera beforehand, so the result was… well… a lot of really lousy pictures. how can i even think of saving up to buy a freaking SLR camera when i can’t even set a digicam, a very simple digicam, right? o well. at least, i take better pictures than X. that guy has the audacity to want to take up photography when he can’t even take a freaking picture. i swear, he’s hopeless. and i’m not saying this to put him down, but really! i thought he’ll learn a thing or two from that photography book i got him last Christmas, but seriously, he can’t take a picture for crap.

he managed to screw up the three most important pictures for me that night. first, my picture with velasco was unbelievably blurred. second, legarda’s eyes were almost closed (not X’s fault, but i want to blame him for everything that went wrong that night, so… ), third, he made artadi look gay. what the hell was that about?

eulogy

“Did you really leave me again? After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window, listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return? for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you. A whole lifetime I've been waiting. I can't believe you're not coming back. I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting..."

~ eulogy

lechon de leche

It j u s t doesn’t end, does it?

You know something’s definitely wrong when you find yourself staring at a pig being roasted and you would rather be the pig than be you.

Sometimes, you really just don’t know what life will throw at you. I thought, just a week away from 2007, what else could possibly happen this year? After everything… what the hell else could happen?

I’m so tired. I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of X. I’m tired… and I don’t know why I still haven’t given up. What for anyway? When will this end? How can two people still manage to break up after calling it quits almost a year ago?

Why can’t I just leave? Why can’t I just turn my back at all this? finally. For everyone’s sake. Really. I know what I should do. I just don’t want to do it. Yet. give me time.

And as for you, X… how can you be so stupid? Can’t you see that I will go to the ends of the world for you, you dumbass?

pre-holiday blues

there should be something here. i should have something... christmas is a few days away...

and i have nothing…

sanest thing or sweetest kind of dream...

fools like me
-lisa loeb, the way it really is

everybody go
the party's over
i want to be alone in my head
in my bed tonight
you never show
you must really love her
you think i don't know
but i do, yeah it's true
i think over is over
i'm right back where i started
(when it comes to wanting you)
i can't have what i wanted

but i did, i can
i was, i am
only human, living, dying
just like any fool who ever breathed
if love is blind
if love's a drug
it always is
it always was and
love was surely made for fools like me

i know where i'm going
i'm tripping i'm sliding around that's ok
at least i'm excited
it wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
feet are where i landed
at least i understand it now)

my feet are where i landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
fools like me
fools like me

i did,
i can i was, i am
only human, living, dying
just like any fool who ever breathed
maybe it's the sanest thing
or just the sweetest kind of dream
but love was surely made for fools
(love was surely made for fools)
love was surely made for fools
(love was surely made for fools)
love was surely made for fools like me

pacman

so tired.

but i can’t sleep. just saw that pacquiao/morales match on tv. who am i to complain, anyway? those guys get beat up for a living. and i’m sure they didn’t always get paid millions to beat the living daylights out of each other. but then again, they do get to beat the crap out of a world champion of some sort on national tv. i guess it just depends on which corner of the ring you belong to.

sometimes, you’re the guy on top of the ropes, raising your arms in victory, a nation, so deprived of a hero, chanting your name. and sometimes, you’re the guy sitting on the other corner, unable to get up, trying to make sense of the blows you just took, humbled and defeated, with only your real friends around you…

man, i think i’m going to throw up. again.

oh grow up!

she looks like the real thing
she tastes like the real thing
my Fake Plastic Love.
but i can't help the feeling
i could blow through the ceiling
if i just turn and run
and it wears me out, it wears me out
it wears me out, it wears me out.
and if i could be who you wanted
if i could be who you wanted,

~ fake plastic trees, radiohead

i hate holloween. never liked it. at least now, i know why. thanks to childhood’s end by arthur c clarke. according to that book, our fear of the classic portrayals of demons- dark skin, leathery wings, pointed tails are in fact, reverse racial memory- we premonitored their coming would foretell the end of our species. go figure.

i can’t believe she’s throwing this to my face.

use your head, please. for everyone’s sake. i know it’s not much, but for crying out loud, God gave you that brain, no matter how small it is, i’m sure you can squeeze some sense out of it.

you know what every ethical person would do? they would stay away from someone else’s fiancé, for starters. that’s what decent people do. come on, we’re all adults here. you knew what you were doing, from the start. he knew what he was doing. why the hell do you come to me, hoping for sympathy when you knew from the start that you were wrong? and you’re not even sorry.

and why would you accuse me of judging you when all i did was tell you the truth? don’t tell me you didn’t want that to happen. that was exactly what you hoped would happen. from the start, you knew he was a little attracted to you. you knew he was engaged. but instead of keeping your distance, you pretended to be his friend, pretended to be this sweet innocent friend who did all the things his fiancée couldn’t because she was away and sad. you sick bitch.

and she trusted you, you snake. she was thankful you were around to be his friend while she was away. and when you felt that something was happening? what did you do? instead of turning your back, you nurtured it. you wouldn’t have done anything about it until she started being suspicious.

and now you tell me that you’re not sure if you really love him? of course, you don’t! you liked him. and he knew that, that’s why he paid attention to you in the first place. and you found his attention flattering. you kept your ploy so he will continue paying attention to you. were you THAT starved for attention? to the point of compromising your morals? at other people’s expense? and the saddest part is, that moron bought your ruse.

and i judged you? again, i told you the truth. want to hear me judge you? here.. go ahead and fuck that moron. i’m sure it’ll make you feel soooooooooooooo good about yourself. isn’t that what you wanted? validation that you’re not an appalling person… to prove to yourself and to everyone that you can steal someone’s boyfriend?

what? he wouldn’t sleep with you? why? is he scared that by going to bed with you, you’ll bulldoze him into being in a real relationship with you? well, that’s just pathetic. and i don’t just mean the guy.

but you know what? now that I think about it, you two deserve each other. you’ll make an exquisite couple, i’m sure. i hope you two end up together, and i hope that one day, he’ll screw you over like he did his ex and realize that you were just his excuse for his inability to grow up.

i wouldn’t blame him. you made yourself an easy prey.

shrill

went to the dentist the other day. now, i’m the only person i know who likes having her teeth cleaned. you know that shrill sound of metal grinding against bone that drives everyone crazy? i like that. this time, i had a little extra. a bonus, if you may. the dentist massaged my gums. at first it felt weird, but you know what? it felt pretty damn good. you should try it. even better that shrill sound.

and my dentist is pretty. i wondered what i would feel if i were a guy and that pretty dentist was massaging my gums. hmm…. i want to be a guy, just for a day, no not lesbian, but a guy… a real guy, with a mustache, itchy balls, and the penchant for stupidity and boobs. i want to know what it feels like not to be responsible for anything in this world except for my useless balls.

but you know what? life is short. it’s not worth it.

out of stock

i really did not plan for it to happen. it started out innocent enough. i just went to glorietta last thursday to buy a gift for my cousin. the shirt he wanted wasn't available, it was too early to go home and i had time to spare... then one shoe led to another... and before i knew it, i was home friday night, exhausted... with 3 pairs of shoes, 2 bags, 5 blouses, 3 pairs of pants and a pair of lingerie, thinking... maybe i overdid it? no? yes?

so on saturday, to continue with my ongoing trend of self indulgence, i spent, yet again, an entire day sleeping, eating and watching mindless comedies on tv. this time, i had what's left of my rocky road ice cream, chocolate cookies, picnic ketchup fries and sinigang.

i am out of control. i will start eating right and I will clean my apartment and this is my last shopping spree for this year. i am not going to buy anything for myself until january. i swear.

i hope.

indulge

jingoy is turning three in two months. i can’t believe she’s just turning three… feels like she’s turning four… hehehe, which reminds me, if jingoy is turning three then jimmy is turning five, ready for nursery school. jingoy probably misses him and the rest of the gang. i’m sorry. i miss them too, you know.

i love saturdays. i know, it's a wednesday, but it's my saturday and this is my blog. anyway, i spent the entire day sleeping, eating and watching arrested development. had cheese cup cake, chocolate cups, blueberry cheesecake, baked spaghetti, beef taco and rocky road ice cream in my bed.

my clean laundry was set to be delivered later, along with my drinking water, so i put my feet up, lay on my bed ate till i couldn't and laughed my ass off. my favorite day.

final straw

who died and lifted you up to perfection?
~ final straw, r. e. m.

i don’t even know what to think anymore.

i have had enough.
i’m tired.
i’m fed up.
i’m pissed off.

sweet dreams

23 october 2006

had a strange dream last night. i was at enchanted kingdom with X. the place looked more like a train station than an amusement park, though. we were about to board the roller coaster, which in my dream, looked more like a slide, when i knew that X would die. i knew that he would fall off and die. and as soon as i sat on the slide, i was sure that i was going to jump off and die with him. so the ride started and soon enough, X fell off and died. i held on the train, went home, and locked myself up in my apartment. i curled up on my couch and hugged my knees as the world wondered if i knew that X was dead. i just sat there and listened, wondering why i was alive and he wasn’t, wondering why I held on to the train and didn’t go with him to die, wondering why i chose to live, knowing he will not be around, wondering why i wasn’t crying, why i wasn’t even sad… just wondering…

and that wasn’t even a nightmare.

at least that dream sort of made me forget the dream i had the night before. in that dream, billy corgan and james iha were sucking each other’s tongue off… ugh. still trying to shake that picture off of my tired head.

all boxed up

always on your side
~sheryl crow, wildflower

my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
but every now and then you come to mind
cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
but when your name was called, you found a place to hide
when you knew that I was always on your side

well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
but your demons and your angels reappeared
leavin' all the traces of the man you thought I'd be
leavin' me with no place left to go from
leavin' me so many questions all these years

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
how to pull it close and make it stay
butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
and I'm left to carry on and wonder why
even through it all, I'm always on your side

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
how to pull it close and make it stay
if butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
was it you that kept me wondering through this life
when you know that i was always on your side

suicidal imbecile

i want to go to enchanted kingdom and let that roller coaster hurl my body into the air for an entire day. i want to scream on top of my lungs and laugh till my face hurts. i want to have as much hotdogs and snow cones as i can.

“i just want to fly.
just you and i. together.”
~ high speed train
r. e. m., around the sun

aftermath

this is long overdue.

most people go home to a family, some go home to a child, a wife, a mother, a partner or a friend.

thursday night. i come home to pile of dirty dishes, probably a week old, a pile of clothes waiting to be pressed. and a stack of CD’s yet to be sorted or played. and jingoy sitting like a queen on top of everything.

been listening a lot to my own 90’s playlist lately. i think stipe finally found the light, hence the album around the sun. well good for him. if he was happy in shinny happy people, he discovered himself in automatic for the people, was a little lost in up, found his way back in reveal and finally, enlightened in around the sun. just can’t stop listening to that album and to sheryl crow’s wildflower. this is my favorite of all her albums… incidentally, it’s also the saddest.

i can listen to these two albums forever…

i guess, like michael stipe, i wanted to be wrong. unfortunately, like sheryl crow, i wasn’t.

tell me why

if i jumped into the ocean to believe.
if i climb a mountain would i have to reach?
do i even dare to speak? -- to dream? --believe?
give me a voice so strong
i can question what i have seen.

~around the sun
r. e. m. , around the sun

there's this guy. he thinks i’ll save him.

made me realize how easy it is to fall for someone who sees something good in you… even if you know that your heart wants someone else.

most of the time, what we want and what we need are two different things.

worst joke ever

spineless twat.

banana business

i was walking home the day after the storm, having ice cream, looking at the barrage of torn down properties the storm has left. i noticed the mangled banana trees on the vacant lot in font of my apartment. it was a satisfying realization as i chewed on the last of my ice cream cone... who would have thought they were actually growing the bananas there? i knew that one of my neighbors is a dealer/supplier of bananas. it took me three or four years, a storm and an ice cream cone to realize that the seemingly useless piece of land in font of my apartment is actually the foundation of a thriving banana business.

i guess sometimes, we only see the worth of some things when we look back at them after the storm. when we’ve become too familiar with some things, we have to back away a little to appreciate them… i guess sometimes… we have to see things after we’ve weathered the storm to erase the preconceptions we have… to see them as they really are. to see what they mean to our lives. to start over.

reminded me of the conversation we had during lunch. over lamb chops and chicken fillet, my aunt’s friend looked out the window and suddenly mentioned that things just seemed clearer after the storm. and as an afterthought, she said, "i guess that’s God’s promise to Noah."

rainbows, i thought.

“that’s rainbows”, my aunt added.

it’s true, after the storm comes the calm. the repose.

soon as i got home i started picking up the shards of broken glass which used to be my window. outside, everyone else is picking up the mess, coping with whatever they can make out of what’s left.

inside me, the storm is still raging like a madman on holiday. but i have faith in rainbows, i know the storm will end. and when it does, i’ll clean up the mess the storm has left. i will pick up the shards of broken glass, take out the trash, hang the wet rags to dry and i’ll grab my shades and face the sun. and when that happens, i know the sky will be clearer and bluer than ever. you’ll see.

lifeless dead

the cracks and lines from where you gave up
they make an easy man to read, oh
for all the times you let them bleed you
for little peace from God you plead, and beg
for little peace from God you plead

wake up young man, wake up, wake up

~ wake up
mad season



i had the longest episode of my long recurring sleeping paralyses this morning. this time, i didn’t even try to fight it. just went along. i thought, if i can’t move, then i won’t move. if i can’t breathe, then i won’t breathe. if this is how i’m going to die, then this is how it’s going to be.

this has been happening almost every day for a long time now. sometimes they happen several times in one night. and lately, i’ve been losing the will to fight it… so close to embracing that ugly fate…

the tragedy is that i still wake up every morning.

i’m still here. alive. and breathing. to mock you.

sincerely wrong

W T F ?

know what's worse than an ass?

half an ass. a person who's an ass but doesn't have the balls to be one.

choose, for crying out loud. make a fucking decision. take fucking risks. make a fucking mistake. do something that'll matter to someone, anyone... say something that'll be of consequence. apologize. say sorry, you jerk, and be sorry.

be a man, for crying out loud. at least act like you have balls. what the fuck are those things hanging between your legs, anyway? christmas ornaments?

i know what you're doing, you prick. what the hell do you take me for, anyway? i’m not stupid. you may not think highly of my intelligence, but i’m smarter than you. in every way.

go fuck yourself, jerk.

winter of my heart

artificial sunshine sucks.

when you've been running on empty for so long... when there's nothing left at your core... at some point, you just realize that you don't have to run anymore. and you stop. you stop running. you stop feeling. you stop giving a rat's ass.

and suddenly the anger stops. the hurt disappears. nothing matters. nothing can hurt you. you become invincible.

and the worst and best part is...

your heart stops.

comfortably numb

you'll be amazed at how many people aren't familiar with twinkle twinkle little star.

i don't know what's worse, feeling cheated and helpless or not feeling anything at all.

sunrays, angels and wednesdays

with alice in chains playing in the background, my backdoor ajar, letting just enough sunlight into my apartment, and old pictures scattered on the floor, i sat on the floor and sorted out the pictures, sometimes stopping to laugh or smile at the memories. see, on a long enough time, no matter how hurting the events may have been, the pain leaves, and you just smile when you remember.

the night before, X sent me mp3’s of alice in chain’s "jar of flies". i listened to the album on my way home and was just mesmerized by layne staley’s voice. it was so vulnerable and crushing. too frank and honest, blatant and unguarded... raw and beautiful. in his voice i felt all the confused emotions i've become too numb to feel.

my favorite part is during don’t follow… when he sang the line "take me home", there was something in the "oh " in home that made me want to reach out to him. it felt like it was vital for him to be home, that he’s just a fragment away from shattering and he’s crying out for help.

i don’t care what people say about the life he’s had, or that he overdosed and was only found after his neighbors deemed the stench of his decaying body unbearable.

i believe he is home now.

only tormented angels can sing like that.

atomic wedgie

it was somewhere between saturday night and sunday morning. i was invited, along with some of my friends, to participate in a medical experiment. it was run by a couple, a husband and wife, who were both doctors. they were trusted family friends, although at that time, i couldn’t track how we knew them. anyway, all the other test subjects were stationed on the first floor of the doctors’ house, which, looked like a normal house if not for the hospital beds. i was assigned on the second floor. i was an obedient guinea pig, doing what i was told, which was pretty much just taking the pills and sleeping all day. i didn’t ask what the experiment was for, or what’ll happen to us after the experiment. i guess i just trusted them despite the rising suspicion downstairs. i thought we’ve only been there for a day, but according to the murmur downstairs we’ve been there for an awful long time and the "naps" we had after taking the pills were actually long deep slumbers, lasting for days on end. oddly enough, that didn’t concern me much. i didn’t notice that i was the only subject on the second floor until my brother told me to get out of the house and escape, like the rest of the patients downstairs did. i was puzzled as to why anyone would want to take off. i mean, we were there, eating and sleeping all day, comfortable and well rested plus we get to help the doctors… why would anyone want to leave?

"you have a 9V black eveready battery up your ass!"

and there it was, a 9V black eveready battery, its contents emptied in my butt.

the world spun AND closed in on me and i wanted to pass out, but i had to flee. so i jumped off the window and woke up.

7am. damn. i’m late for work.

my supervixen alarm failed me.

so imagine my amusement the day after, when i went to my uncle’s 50th birthday party and found the good doctor giving a heartfelt speech.

frozen in the place i hide

brother
alice in chains

frozen in the place i hide
not afraid to paint my sky with
some who say i've lost my mind
brother try and hope to find

you were always so far away
i know that pain so dont you run away
like you used to do

roses in a vase of white
bloodied by the thorns beside the leaves
that fall because my hand is
pulling them hard as i can

you were always so far away
i know that pain and i wont run away
like I used to do

pictures in a box at home
yellowing and green with mold
so i can barely see your face
wonder how that color taste

you were always so far away
i know the way so dont you run away

like you used to do
like you used to do

luis

i feel the storm coming in. it’s starting to drizzle and i shiver from the cold that hung in the air. i searched the night sky and not a star in sight. where’s the moon, i wonder? did your invisible threads finally give in? did you fall into the ice cold waters? or are you somewhere up there, still hanging, hiding behind the thick dark clouds? are you scared to come out? will the eyes of those who look up to you reveal a truth you can’t face?

maybe you had the right idea

perhaps, hidden is the kindest place to be.

forecast

my lover's charms
are in a box
beneath my bed
and piece by piece
i'll cherish them
until the end

send me an angel to love
i need to feel a little piece of heaven
send me an angel to love
i'm afraid I'll never get to heaven

~ my lover's box
garbage


i saw my future.

this morning, i saw how my future boyfriend would look like.
i know the color of his eyes. the length of his lashes. the trace of his nose. the corners of his mouth.
i know the sound of his voice. the warmth of his touch. the taste of his lips.
i know the stride of his legs. the strength of his arms.
i know the feel of his hair between my fingers. his face in my hands. his palm against my palm.
i know the music he listens to. the books he reads. the movies he watches. the jokes he tells. the stories he writes.
i know his unspoken passions.
i know his prayers.
i know his secret fears.
i know his laughter.

i know the thoughts of his mind.
i know the songs of his heart.
i know his mind.
i know his heart.
i know his love.
i know him.

down in a hole

03 september 2006

i was on my way home from work that sunday when i thought about what my friend just said. we were talking about his ex... C dreamt of his ex the night before and in his dream, they were still together... as if they were married or something. he was really bothered by it and asked me if i knew how to interpret dreams. i read somewhere that dreams are the things we wish would happen in our lives but are somehow helpless to do something about it. he said that was probably appropriate. and sadly mentioned that he missed her. i told him that if he misses her that much, why not try to win her back? i mean, clearly, he is still in love with her, so why not do something about it? so what if she lives so far away? so what if she's already married? (which she's not, btw) so what if she's in love with somebody else? (this one, we're not sure about =)) i mean, isn't it worth to try and find out? isn't it worth to give it another shot? whatever went wrong in their relationship, i believed, can be fixed, if they are both willing to forgive and work things out. then C said, simply, that it was too late. how can it be too late? he's still in love with her. so how can it be too late? did he ask her? no, he said. it was just too late. and he knew in his heart that it was.

how do you know when it's too late? what if you still love the other person and in your heart of hearts, you are still hoping you'll be together, someday? are you just doomed to spend your life secretly hoping for your love to come back when you know it's too late? and you're helpless to do anything about it? how can it be too late when you still love the other person?

i was thinking about that on my way home. how will i know if it's too late? how will i know that i've crossed the line, when i’m sure nothing anyone could ever do could bring us back together? do i still want us to be back together? what if i wake up one day and i realize that i want him back but with it comes the sad realization that it's too late?

i was looking out the bus window along roxas boulevard when i got a text message from C.

if you can still put yourself at risk, your heart on line, your happiness in jeopardy, just for a ray of light, a sliver of hope, a shard of chance to make things right, then it's not too late yet. but the moment you know you can't lay your heart on the line because of fear that you'll be hurt again, rejected, betrayed, when you just can't allow yourself to be vulnerable and defenseless to him again, then, you know it's too late, even if you still love him. it's simply too late.

so, is it?, he asked.

i was shocked with my answer.

through the bus window, i looked at the night sky, like soft velvet, not a star in sight. the moon was so beautiful. pale yellow. sad and alone. vulnerable to the dark clouds. hanging by invisible threads, ready to give in and plunge into the ice cold ocean.

losing my soul...

down in a hole
alice in chains

burying me softly in this womb
i give this part of me for you
sand rains down and here I sit
holding rare flowers
in her tomb...

down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
see my heart I've decorated like a grave
you don't understand who they thought i was supposed to be
look at me now a man who won't let himself be

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
i'd like to fly,
but my wings have been so denied

down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place
i've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste
i have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth
i will not speak no more of my feelings beneath

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
i'd like to fly,
but my wings have been so denied

bury me softly in this womb
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
i give this part of me for you
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
sand rains down and here I sit
holding rare flowers
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
In her tomb
Oh I want to be inside...

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, out of control
i'd like to fly
but my wings have been so denied

imeldific

i finally got my palm back. and it’s a new one. i won’t even start to tell you the trouble i brought myself because of this new pda.

you know you shouldn’t have, but due to lack of judgment and hasty decisions, you did. and the moment you’re there, you regret it. you wish you could take it back and turn back time for just a minute, maybe just that split second when everything fell apart. but naturally, you can’t. coz life’s like that. and it sucksss.

argh.

women have this stupid fascination with shoes. especially stilettos. When you have wide feet like me, wearing comfortable shoes is hard enough, but, still i buy the gut wrenching shoes, making myself vulnerable to unnecessary torture and pain… because…. because… because??? ah i could come up with a million reasons why we so love the deadly shoes, but when your feet start to ache like hell and your toes start to get numb from lack of blood circulation, you forget all the reasons and you just want to throw the damn shoes away and dip your feet into a tub of warm water. you tell yourself that you’ll never wear the same shoes again and you vow never to buy something that does more harm than good for you.

but, given a few weeks, or maybe just a few days, you’re back there, breathing the air three inches higher than the air God intended you to, writhing in pain.

It’s almost impossible to find the perfect fit. The good ones are almost impossible to find, often, they’re either too scrawny or too spiteful. The sturdy ones are always too expensive, they’re not even worth it. the cheap ones are always shoddy and drab… too weak to even last. the sexier the shoes, the more they’re likely to hurt and betray you. And the one’s that are actually good for you? They’re usually either flat, dull, plain and have no personality at all.

men are like stilettos, you know they’re bad for you, you know they’ll hurt you, you know they’re not worth the pain, but still,

you buy them, dream about them, and even go crazy for them.

and when you bleed, you rest for a while, then you’re back to wanting them again as if nothing bad ever happened the last time you had them.

and even if you get lucky and you do find the perfect fit, God knows how long they’ll last.

ahh shoes. ahh men.

i have faith in rainbows...

"there's always farther to go and more to do and mountains to climb... that's what i look forward to... there's an amazing man who's wandering the streets right now who's going to be the father of my children... i do believe in happily ever after."

~ jennifer aniston

karma

life is weird. sometimes, it gives you JUST what you want, JUST what you need. even if you avoid it. i’ve been really tired the past week and i was looking forward to just staying home to rest and clean my apartment this weekend. but i had to attend jm’s brother’s (or sister’s) christening on saturday. and i promised to spend sunday with Y, since this is the only sunday off i get. i couldn’t say no to both. so, naturally, i said yes. but i was so sick saturday morning, i couldn’t even get out of bed. so i wasn’t able to attend the christening at dampa, and instead of being stuffed to my face with food, i was hungry and sick last saturday. i think that was karma for being so greedy. anyway, sunday was a little bit better, though i wasn’t able to go out with Y.

i ended up spending my weekend in bed, watching arrested development and reading. when you come to think of it, i got to do what i really wanted to do in the first place, which was to spend my weekend in bed watching arrested development and read. i wasn’t able to tidy up my apartment, organize my mp3’s, dust my old cd’s or finish that short story i’m writing, but at least, i got my rest, the rest, i believe, i deserve.

well… of course, jm is not talking to me, she didn’t even bother come out to the terrace that night and the night after. Y was, of course, a bit more understanding. although he wanted to drop by, i didn’t really want company last sunday, i was enjoying my ‘me' time. Y got a bit worried, but i really didn’t want him to be. i really want people to stop worrying about me.

good news, i’ll finally get my palm tomorrow. hah. and we’re having nickelodeon back on cable. i can’t wait to see hoodsie again…

i’m hoping to start the week right. i hope nothing goes wrong. i’m keeping my fingers crossed and saying my prayers.

lusty lemons

C brought that new apo tribute album to work early this week and i absolutely adore orange and lemon’s version of yakap sa dilim. it’s so yummy… feels like I’m being lured to bed with a promise of fervor and sweet rapture. hahaha… apo is going to have a concert at the mall of asia first week of september, i think. i wish G was here. she loves apo. and listening to their music reminded me of her. i miss her. if she’s here, i bet we’ll see that concert, and spend an entire day shopping and talking and laughing and… ah… she’s going home next year for maybe two weeks. can’t wait to spend time with her again. it’s been years.

i was looking forward to staying home this weekend to tidy up my filthy apartment and rest. i even borrowed by brother’s arrested development dvds. but it turns out i have to attend a christening at dampa (yum yum yum) on saturday and i have to spend time with Y this sunday. so, i guess, another busy weekend for me. almost no rest again. i could pass up the day with Y, but i know i owe him at least a day. he’s been complaining that we don’t get to spend time anymore and that’s the least i can do for someone who’s been there for me all this time. and anyway, i enjoy spending time with him, it’s just that i’m not feeling well and i need to rest… maybe i’ll get my rest some other time. in my next lifetime, perhaps?

well. happy weekend to me. i’m sure it’ll be a blast.

love song for no one

kumot at unan
apo hiking society

mabuti pa ang unan mo kasama pag gabi
mabuti pa ang kumot mo kasiping sa tabi
sa pag-uwi mo sila ang 'yong kasama
at sa pagtulog wala ng iba
iyan ba nama'y pagseselosan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman
ako na lamang sana ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

mabuti pang panyo mo may dampi sa 'yong pisngi
at sa tuwing kausap ka'y laging nakangiti
sa pag-uwi ko 'yan ang naaalala
at sa pagtulog wala ng iba
yan ba nama'y malilimutan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman ako na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

pangarap kita kahit papano pa kita isipin
pangarap kita dinggin mo sana ang aking awitin
pangarap kita gawin mo sana akong pangarap mo rin

mabuti pa ang baso may tikim ng 'yong halik
naiinggit ang labi kong laging nananabik
sa aking paggising 'yan ang naaalala
tuwing umaga wala ng iba
yan ba nama'y maiiwasan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman ako na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

kung maaari lang naman ikaw na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan ko

one part lullaby

i was tired but had a lot in my mind last night, and i couldn’t sleep. so turned the tv back on and instead of watching dumb and dumberer (yes, i still have standards. ha.) i saw the teen choice awards… okay, so it wasn’t a big step up from dumb and dumberer, but it had it’s benefits. i wasn’t five minutes into the show when brandon routh introduced presenter tom welling. then welling presented an award (forgot what it was for) in which johnny depp won. of course, depp was in his usual sexy, weird self. just love him… oh, and the bonus was… i got to see a bloated britney spears introduce k-fed’s world debut. ha. talk about standards... anyway, it eventually led me back to the real reason i turned the tv on… i slept like a baby.

then in the middle of the night, my phone started to ring (forgot to turn it on silent mode, again!) it was an old friend. haven’t talked to him in a while. told him i was fine… no, wait, i was more than fine. in fact, i’m even excited. but kinda scared. he said i shouldn’t be the one who’s scared. the best thing about this, he said, was that i know that my love is still true. that my love is still pure. and that’s more than what a lot of people can say for themselves. he said X may find someone else, or maybe he’s already with someone else right now, but after what happened, how can he trust his love? how can he trust that this time, his love is true? that his love won’t just die out one day and he wouldn’t even care to fight for it? how can he trust his heart?

i did feel better after that… i was glad… because i realized that lately, i’ve been getting excited over the future... and maybe, just maybe, i’m ready now…

but i felt bad for X, sad because i know that what my friend said about X not being able to trust his own heart is true.

my promise...

the promise
tracy chapman
new beginnings

If you wait for me then
I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you

Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep,
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

nothing left here.

naubos ang oras sa kakahintay
walang patawad hindi binigay
walang paalam, walang babala
naubos ang oras sa kakahintay
sa'yo... (paghihintay, razorback)

we all had our reasons for going to that drt/razorback gig. i wanted to go there because it was free and i wanted to see legarda play the guitar and… okay, okay… so i just really wanted to see legarda again. period. C wanted to see razorback and have beer. A wanted to go somewhere so she can dress up. M went because she couldn’t come up with a good enough excuse not to go with us. and B just went there because we were all there. B had no idea what she’s gotten herself into. but, in the end, we all had a good time. no, we all had a great time. so great that A is now searching drt and legarda in the net and getting geared up to stalk, B is begging me to go with her to the next gig at saguijo, C is trying to track down a drt album and M is searching the net for other gigs and concerts to see. i didn’t think they’ll have a good time, especially B and M. they didn’t even like that kind of music.

but any way… we got the best and the worst seat in the venue. we sat at the table nearest the stage, with the vocalist’s mic crowning our table. first was kinky hooters. i honestly feel bad about the band, coz we laughed the whole time they did their set. and it might have seemed like we were laughing to their faces because we were right in front of them. for the most part, we really weren’t laughing at them. we were just very uncomfortable. the songs seemed unbelievably long and tiring… at one point i was looking at the vocalist’s song list and just wondering when the hell it’ll all end. anyways, the drummer was kinda cute, chabelita as C sets it. i’m not sure if it was because he kinda looks like bamboo that the vocalist seemed like a dull imitation bamboo or he was really trying to be like bamboo and he really just reeked. okay, he didn’t reek all that much. he was okay. but sometimes, just being okay isn’t okay. oh well… i guess every front act will have to go through something like that, right? i mean, we’re not really all that mean, right? right? right.

A didn’t know how legarda looked like. all she knew was that i wanted to see the gig because i wanted to see legarda and that he is related to ayesa of the rockstar inxs fame, but the moment she saw him. she was there. hahaha. she said he seems like the type who treats women badly. and boy, did she wish to be treated “badly” by him. ahhhh… wouldn't we all? except maybe B who had her eye on velasco, M who had her eye on the drummer of kh and C who only has eyes for roy. hehehe.

the moment legarda started playing the guitar, i knew it was just what i needed to kick start the dawning of my new winter. legarda is still so amazing with the guitar… i’m not one to say, but i think he even got better. during the guitar solos, we were all just mesmerized, our eyes were ready to burst from their sockets and our jaws, slack with awe. and let me remind you that not everyone in our table listens to that kind of music.

i sat there and thought, well... this is what separates the men from the boys.

the highlights of the night were when drt covered led zep’s whole lotta love and when razorback covered helter skelter and dazed and confused. (legarda and velasco played for both drt and razorback) it was probably the closest i can ever get to hearing those legendary songs played live by a legit band. i absolutely enjoyed it. but kinda made me miss basti’s voice. it would have been perfect if he was there.

i really didn’t expect that we’ll have that much fun; that i’ll have that much fun…
i missed this kind of life…
i missed being free.

you'll see, it will be...

a matter of time
wolfgang

it's all just a matter of time
between the days and the nights
from a child being born
to the taking of a life
you'll see it will be

it's all just a matter of time
till what's new becomes old
what's good becomes bad
from what's bought is sold

so just close your eyes
and wait for a while
tomorrow is still one whole day
so don't despair

soon what's in your hair
will forever be brushed away
cause it's all just a matter of time
till what you've done gets erased
till love lost returns
till what you broke is replaced
you'll see it will be...

change

change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass – john steinbeck

will you?

will you be my friend?
there are so many reasons why you never should:
i'm sometimes sullen, often shy, acutely sensitive,
my fear erupts as anger, I find it hard to give,
i talk about myself when I'm afraid
and often spend a day without anything to say.
but I will make you laugh
and love you quite a bit
and hold you when you're sad.
i cry a little almost every day
because I'm more caring than the strangers ever know,
and, if at times, I show my tender side
(the soft and warmer part I hide)
i wonder,Will you be my friend?
a friend who far beyond the feebleness of any vow or tie
will touch the secret place where I am really I,
to know the pain of lips that plead and eyes that weep,
who will not run away when you find me in the street
alone and lying mangled by my quota of defeats
but will stop and stay - to tell me of another day
when I was beautiful.
will you be my friend?
there are so many reasons why you never should:
often I'm too serious, seldom predictably the same,
sometimes cold and distant, probably I'll always change.
i bluster and brag, seek attention like a child.
i brood and pout, my anger can be wild,
but I will make you laugh
and love you quite a bit
and be near when you're afraid.
i shake a little almost every day
because I'm more frightened than the strangers ever know
and if at times I show my trembling side
(the anxious, fearful part I hide)
i wonder,
will you be my friend?
a friend who,
when I fear your closeness, feels me push away
and stubbornly will stay to share what's left on such a day,
who, when no one knows my name or calls me on the phone,
when there's no concern for me - what I have or haven't done
and those I've helped and counted on have, oh so deftly, run,
who, when there's nothing left but me, stripped of charm and subtlety,
will nonetheless remain...

will you be my friend?
for no reason that I know
except I want you to.

_____________________________

i first read this poem by James Kavanaugh when i was in high school. for some reason, i just remembered it last night. i couldn't find my copy but i found my old news paper clipping about river phoenix's death. and some old poems, and some old letters... i fell asleep around 2 am.

my best friend, r and i had dinner last night. we haven't talked while I was on vacation and that was over a month ago. i missed her. she told me that she didn't understand what i was going through when x and I broke up. she said she thought, well...She lost her boyfriend... she's cried her tears, said her goodbyes...… why can't she just move on? i have to mention, though, that she's never lost a boyfriend ever. i guess maybe she thought i was over reacting until her hubby kinda shed some light. i would not have guessed he would. but he did. she said now, she understands that i didn't just lose a boyfriend, i lost my partner.

i remember what my old friend said when i broke the news that X and i had broken up. he couldn’t believe it… said that X and i were a partnership. a corporation. a team. we were indestructible. well… that’s what i thought too. i really thought we were going to carry each other like we promised when we just started dating. we’ve been through so much. we shared life’s little injustices, enjoyed sunshines, weathered storms, and laughed through everyday tragedies. i thought we were like marla and jack towards the end of fight club when the whole city was falling apart… and it was okay because they had each other… it was fine because they were holding each other’s hand.

so, then r understood, that to her, it may only seem like her best friend lost a boyfriend, but for me, i lost the man i planned to spend my life with. i lost my plans. i lost my happiness. i lost my dreams. i lost my love.

and that's when rage started to flood her veins. she said she was so mad at x for what he did. that when x and i were together, she was thankful and so happy I finally found... a guy who's true. and she couldn't understand how he could... i don't know... leave. and she wrote him a letter. I don't know what she wrote in the letter. but she said she was pretty livid when she typed. i could only imagine what she wrote. anyway, she said x didn't reply. I wasn't surprised. she said she wanted to talk to x... and that x said he wasn't ready. that was in april. i doubt he'll ever be ready. r said she's still waiting, i wouldn't hold my breath if i were her. i bet he's forgotten all about it.

i was waiting for a ride along buendia this morning when i knew. i just knew. i was running late and i just missed an fx, despite my efforts to run after it. i looked at the void ahead of me and as i felt the muscles in my face ache, finally, i knew. i have had enough. and i'm tired of crying. i am just exhausted and drained out of my mind. i have had enough. i'm done.

when i got to the office, i was somehow reminded that r's letter might have coerced x to send that letter where he was saying sorry. really? he had to be told that what he did was wrong? that he caused me so much pain? that he was an ass? and he couldn't figure it out by himself? really? come on... he's got to be better than that.

well... you know what? i don't even know if i care anymore. and i don't care that i don't know.

what moon songs do you sing?

have you ever seen yourself while you’re in a lobby of an office? just sitting there. waiting. i saw my reflection earlier. i was waiting for someone from hr when i saw my reflection through the glass doors. and i saw myself probably how X saw me all along… i looked, well…. not just sad… but lonely. and it’s not the mundane loneliness you see everyday, it was so callous and unhindered that it was so painful to look at, even for me.

if i didn’t know me, i’d think i had surrendered to a bitter fate and was just so… i don’t know… resigned. resigned from happiness. resigned from life.

this reminded me of that song by the smashing pumpkins that x sent me a lot of months ago, he said the song made him think of me.


luna.

what moon songs
do you sing your babies?
what sunshine
do you bring?

who belongs
who decides whos crazy
who rights wrongs
where others cling

i'll sing for you
if you want me to
i'll give to you
and its a chance
i'll have to take
and its a chance
i'll have to break

i go along
just because
i'm lazy
i go along
to be with you

and those moon songs
that you sing your babies
will be the songs
to see you thru

i'll hear your song
if you want me to
i'll sing along
and its a chance
i'll have to take
and its a chance
i'll have to break
i'm in love with you
i'm in love with you
i'm in love with you
i'm so inlove with you...

but the thing is, i wasn’t sad… i was okay. i was hopeful. i was a brand new sky.

brand new sky

times like these
foo fighters

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run awayand leave it all behind?

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

terrible and slow moving...

i complain about not being able to think… that my mind just floats around in an endless void... yet i spend the whole day watching movies on tv. i was actually going to see cold mountain, but as i scanned the cover, one review said, “terrible and slow moving. kidman and law lack chemistry” by filmsinreview.com. now, who would put that on the cover of the dvd? the pirates, that who.

so, i ended up seeing other mindless, terrible and slow moving movies. the level of their mindless-ness and dreadfulness varies. first was the day after tomorrow. it was a waste of time, yet jake gyllenhaal made it worthy to waste my time over with. next was agent cody banks 2, i only paid attention to scenes where frankie muniz’s baby blue eyes were focused and there were a lot of them. next was ladder 49. now, this was a good movie. joaquin phoenix was so sweet and endearing. the late river phoenix may have been better looking, but joaquin is definitely sweeter. you just have to fall in love with him. the last one was woody allen’s hilarious hollywood ending.

i want to be a firefighter. i want to go into burning buildings when everyone else is trying to get out.

driving blind

noddy wanted to act like a grown up. So, like mr sparks, he decided to stay up late so he can get more work done. After reading his book, he cleaned his house until he was all cleaned out (his words, not mine) . Then he went outside and drove around toyland. He thought he’ll visit big ears. But he fell asleep in front of big ear’s house. when big ears saw him in the morning, he woke noddy up and reminded him of the packages he had to pick up at the train station. But because he was so tired, noddy drove in circles…and at some point, he even drove backwards.

oh Noddy. my sweet little noddy. Don’t be like me.

please go home and get some sleep.

and

stop driving in circles…

and

stop driving backwards…

let me breathe...

dolphins cry
artist: live
album: distance to here


The way you're bathed in light
Reminds me of that night
God let me down into your rose garden of trust
And I was swept away
With nothin' left to say
Some helpless fool
Yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
You're all I need to find
So when the time is right
Come to me sweetly, come to me
Come to me

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Oh yeah, we meet again
It's like we never left
Time in between was just a dream
Did we leave this place?
This crazy fog surrounds me
You wrap your legs around me
All I can do to try and breathe
Let me breathe so that I
So we can get together!

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Life is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time
We are lost 'til we are found
This phoenix rises up from the ground
And all these wars are over
Over
Over

when dolphins cry

I’m worried about nemo, I don’t know what’s wrong with him but he’s been sleeping or playing dead on awful lot lately. His wound hasn’t completely healed yet. I’m scared that he’ll leave me too.

When X broke up with me, I wanted to get rid of everything he gave me, everything that reminded me of him. I even wanted to give nemo and the chub chubs away. I just wanted to erase X in my life. later on I realized that to do that, I would have to move to a remote village in a country no one’s ever heard of; leave everything and everyone behind; and oh, rip my heart off my chest.

Anyway, I don’t think I can handle it if nemo dies right now. I know I just can’t . and I don’t need him menacing me everyday. I wish I knew what he wants. I wish I knew what he needs. I wish he’ll tell me. right now, I’m about ready to do anything just so he’ll stay.

bad thoughts

met R’s baby today and my heart just fell to the ground.
i love her already.
i almost cried when she kissed me goodbye.

my vacation is almost over. I’m not sure if I want to go back. I feel like nothing happened, but then again, a lot of things happened. I have to go back because I miss my friends.

but just like how it was before I left, I still have a lot of thinking to do. a lot of decisions to make.

and of course, nowadays, I can’t think even if you paid me a million dollars.

this is bad.

lost and gone forever

Clementine...

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner, forty-niner
And his daughter Clementine.

Oh my darling, oh my darling
Oh my darling, Clementine
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine,
Herring boxes without topses
Sandals were for Clementine

Drove she ducklings to the water
Every morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter
Fell into the foaming brine.

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles soft and fine,
But alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.

Then the miner, forty-niner
Soon began to peak and pine,
Thought he oughter jine he daughter,
Now he's with his Clementine.

In my dreams she still doth haunt me,
Robed in garments soaked in brine;
Though in life I used to hug her,
Now she's dead, I draw the line.

tide in the ocean

the tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. all the water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.

i forget where the sun joins in this fight.

__________________________

i think Iive already lost you
I think you're already gone
i think i'm finally scared now
you think i'm weak - but i think you're wrong

i think you're already leaving
feels like your hand is on the door
i thought this place was an empire
but now i'm relaxed - i can't be sure

i think we should try
i think i could need - this in my life

if you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
there's an awful lot of breathing room
but i can hardly move
if you're gone - baby you need to come home

i bet you're hard to get over
i bet the room just won't shine

coz there's a little bit of something me
in everything in you

~ if you're gone
matchbox 20

life taught me to die...

Cannonball
~ Damien Rice

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed

You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy'
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

love story

email from x:

i'm sorry for being such a burden to you... i am really sorry.
a lot of things i want to apologize for, but im really not sure if this is the right time to say it.
i caused you so much pain. sorry ha? sorry ha... sorry

my response:

I honestly don’t know what to say. i guess we both did things in the past that we’re sorry for. Sorry din, dami din yun.

x?

you’re not a burden to me. what makes you think that? You never were. Everything I did for you from when we were starting out up to now were all done out of love… and at the risk of sounding cheesy, as quoted from my favorite movie “love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

And I felt that, first hand, from you years ago.

________________________________________

I don’t know why x suddenly sent that...

Did he just now realize how badly he’s hurt me? did he just now realize what he did? What he left?

And when is the right time, I wonder? Will he wait when his apology doesn’t mean anything anymore? when nothing he could ever do could hurt me?