she's gone to the movies

There’s this song that I heard from the TV show “felicity” years ago that I really liked. I tried so find the song but those days it wasn’t so easy to find a song especially if you don’t know the title or the artist. So it just kinda slipped my mind. I think that song played (I’m not really sure) when Felicity finally jumped in the pool with Ben. If you know what I mean…



Then, probably 8 years later, it suddenly pops up on my iPod shuffle. Isn’t it amazing when things like that happen?



I am such lousy company these days, even I wouldn’t want to hang out with me. And for that, I apologize. I’ve just been really really tired. So many shit to take care of, it’s crazy. I guess this is what happens when you sleep all day for a month, huh? Ahh… makes me want to crawl back to bed and sleep for a month. Again.



Anyway, I am going to the spa later. And I’m getting the ultimate supreme feel good package. Kinda feel a bit guilty. But with the week I’ve had… I think it just about evens the field.



NP : she’s gone to the movies : semisonic



Now the rain comes down the windows and it

Drops onto the forehead of the waiting boy

He surveys his rental kingdom and he

Wonders if he's really lost his one joy

Another fool would go down to the

Only place she ever went to lose herself

She's gone to the movies now and she

Don't need your help

She's gone to the movies now and she's

Not coming home

She's gone to the movies now and she's

Not coming back

sweet little genius

I trained tascha how to sit!!! She’s so smart. I couldn’t be prouder. Before you know it that puppy will be doing math. Sweet little genius. Haha.

To my friends who drop by once in a while. I now have a doorbell. Please. Stop screaming at the gate and start pushing that tiny little button on the left side of the gate. it’s a bit obscured to keep the kids from ringing the bell 10x a day.

And to those asking for pictures of tascha. I will try to get some this weekend. I still have to borrow a camera coz my old one is still broken. I still haven’t gotten around to getting it fixed. And I’m lazy.

And I know that my home phone is not working. Globe is already working on it. i’m sorry if I seem to be out of touch. For some reason I just find it incredibly tiring to text. So much of an effort.

NP: para sa masa : eraserheads
mapapatawad mo ba ako
kung hindi ko sinunod ang gusto mo
pinilit kong iahon kangunit ayaw mo namang sumama
ito ay para sa mga masa
sa lahat ng binaon ng sistema
sa lahat ng fans ni sharon cuneta

life. and life only.

tascha is mad at me. She bit me and my thumb is bleeding. And while I can now eat, she has decided to stop eating. She hasn’t been eating well since she left. And I think she’s mad at me for giving her away and leaving her. she cried again when I left earlier. She always cries when I leave. I hate this.

Another chub chub died. I think they’re all fighting again coz one of them has a new egg. I should stop getting new pets. Seriously. I’m not good at this. at all.

NP: It’s Alright, Ma (I’m only bleeding): Bob Dylan
"Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?
And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only."

you know...

The one day training yesterday was a total waste of time. It was useless and pointless since all they did was tell everyone how much they know. I don’t see how all those things relate to my new job… and frankly, I didn’t learn anything new. I could have stayed in my apartment and slept all day and know the same things I knew after that freaking waste of MY time.

NP: All I Need : Radiohead
"I am all the days
That you choose to ignore
I'm a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all. It’s all."

Dark Knight

when they named the movie the dark knight, boy they weren’t kidding on the dark part. it was gritty and on the edge and by far the bleakest batman movie ever made. I think.

ledger was amazing as the joker. You keep looking for a person or a human being behind the make up, but you don’t see anything. Just a crazed lunatic. No rhyme, no reason. there is no doubt that this was the joker's movie. i'm not even going to say that the joker stole the movie. because he didn't. it was his.

The movie doesn’t make you breathe until the end. Coz life’s like that, I guess.. it doesn’t let you breathe until you’re way in over your head and you drown.

I think I have a new favorite joker. Hmm. Wait. No… it’s still a tie between nicholson and ledger. Oh, but ledger’s dead now. So he wins.

happiness is a warm puppy

Just how many of your favorite things can you fit in one day? Well, apparently… a LOT.



- My favorite day. overcast, a slight drizzle now and then.

- My favorite strip. Finally bought that peanuts book I wanted and another one.

- My favorite ice cream. Haagen Dazs tiramisu and vanilla caramel fudge. With…

- My favorite food – crunchy waffles.

- My favorite voice singing my favorite dylan song. I smile every time castro comes up on shuffle, especially when it’s mr tambourine man.

- my (new) favorite shirt. that vintage japanese sonic youth shirt i bought in boracay.

- my favorite 19 year old. he looks so much like my college crush. and not just his smile, but more so his demeanor. they both have that sweet and childish quality that endears them to everyone.

- my favorite super hero. Batman, the dark knight. so fucking good.



My favorite day.



NP: Mr Tambourine Man : Bob Dylan

“Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,

Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,

The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,

Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.

Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,

Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,

With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,

Let me forget about today until tomorrow.



Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.”

you heartbreaker, you.

Well, tascha’s gone now… Y took her home this afternoon. Now, the apartment seems suddenly so empty. Sometimes I still expect to hear her slight whimper. I miss my baby so much.

I’m always like this. Whenever I let go of something, I always think that maybe i did the wrong thing. That probably explains why I have a lot of junk lying around my house. While I am glad not to have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to clean dog poop… I still miss her. God, she’s so cute. I couldn’t resist... Couldn’t bear letting her go…

There’s another thing I had to let go of today. Even though I know that this is for the best, it’s still sad.

I have to stay away. Because if I don’t, I will drown.

NP: Someday Baby : Bob Dylan

"When all else fails I'll make it a matter of self respect
I try to be friendly, I try to be kind
Now I'm gonna drive you from your home, just like I was driven from mine
Living this way ain't a natural thing to do
Why was I born to love you?
Someday baby, you ain't gonna worry po' me any more."

you got to breathe

Well… I was trying to figure out what I want to eat today… as I think/hope I’ll finally have just a little of my hearty appetite now.... I was thinking maybe roast beef or pasta with meat sauce… then guess what plays on my ipod? “meat is murder” by the smiths. After hearing lyrics like, “It’s not natural, normal or kind. The flesh you so fancifully fry. The meat in your mouth, As you savour the flavour Of murder” with animal cries in the background… how could you?

Argh. And I was so looking forward to going to the grocery to get some real food now that I think I can start cooking and eating in my apartment again.

damn.


NP: Big Eyed Fish : Dave Matthews Band
“Story of a man,
Who decided not to breathe.
Turned red, purple, then blue.
Colorful indeed.
No matter how his friends begged,
Well, he would not concede,
And now hes dead.
You see, cause everybody knows,
You got to breathe.”

lost dog and tag

Well, tascha’s gone now… The apartment seems suddenly so empty. Sometimes I still expect to hear her slight whimper.

I think I lost her tag. I couldn’t find it and there aren’t too many places where I could have left it.

and… I still can’t eat. But, it’s only been like 4 hours since she left, so…

While I am glad not to have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to clean dog poop… I still miss her.

Tascha, you heartbreaker you.

NP: Someday Baby : Bob Dylan
When all else fails I'll make it a matter of self respect
I try to be friendly, I try to be kind
Now I'm gonna drive you from your home, just like I was driven from mine
Living this way ain't a natural thing to do
Why was I born to love you?
Someday baby, you ain't gonna worry po' me any more.

tangled up in blue

I should never be let loose inside a bookstore these days. I end up buying books I’m not going to be able to read in a year AND spending money I no longer have. And yet I keep adding to the stack of unread books lying in my apartment.



Among other books, I bought Ray Bradbury’s sequel to Dandelion Wine, Farewell Summer and Annie Proulx’s Bad Dirt. I just couldn’t resist it. Anyway, some of the books were on sale. That’s really not an excuse, I know.



And it just occurred to me that even after I’ve gone on several book-shopping sprees, I still haven’t bought that Charlie Brown/Snoopy book I’ve wanted for a long time. Crap.





I think I should stop listening to Dylan for awhile. Tascha is starting to think her dad mumbles a lot and is kicking ass with the harmonica.



She is leaving on Monday. I am pretty sure she’ll be loved and cared for in her new home. I’ve started to prepare her stuff (records, papers, etc) and it’s so sad…



I bought this for tascha back when I was going to build her a dog house and a play ground downstairs. The dog looked so much like her.













Ah tascha… the little happiness I couldn’t keep.







NP: tangled up in blue : bob Dylan

"And I was standin' on the side of the road

Rain fallin' on my shoes

Heading out for the East Coast

Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,

Tangled up in blue."

ambivalence

Here’s an excerpt from It’s Called a Break up Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Rotoula-Behrendt (www.itscalledabreakup.com). I took pains typing this… so I hope you read this. Because really, it’s…

Dear Greg,

I was going out with this guy for about four months. Everything about him is amazing—we have so much in common. He’s really sweet to my dogs and even will stop by to let them out if I have to work late. I can tell he’ll make a great father someday, and I definitely thought we were headed in that direction. UNTIL one night when I surprised him by showing up at his place with Chinese takeout and found him at home with his GIRLFRIEND! I thought I was his girlfriend! So he explained that he’s really in love with me but they’d been together for so long that he felt like he just couldn’t dump her. He promised that he would take care of it and asked me to image that if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn’t I want him to let me down gently out of respect for what we’d had together? I agreed but told him that I didn’t want to see him until he’d done the deed. So a month has gone by and he still hasn’t been able to break up with her because he’s just too nice a guy and can’t do it. When will his girlfriend realize that he doesn’t want to be with her and get the hint?

Dear Delusional,

Normally, I would say, “Move on.” But this guy is obviously a great catch because he’s sweet to your dogs. In every other way, he’s a total dick. It’s so hard to find a man who is nice to dogs, so hang in there. Or you could WAKE UP! it sounds like his girlfriend isn’t the one who needs to get the hint. She’s the one with a boyfriend. The only thing you should be doing is taking yourself out of this “nice guy’s” lady buffet. You’re more than a side dish and deserve to be treated as the delicious main course that you are. Don’t get me wrong, dog lovers are great, but a guy with a spine and some values is even better. Nice is in actions, not words. And when you take a long, realistic look at your situation, or even just reread your letter to me, you’ll realize that you’re giving an okay guy cheats on his girlfriend a hell of a lot more credit than he deserves. He’s a coward and a betrayer of not one but two women, and he clearly feels ambivalent about you at best—otherwise, he would have left this other woman a long time ago.

RIGHT FUCKING ON.

and now for the obvious…

NP: bleeding love : leona lewis
“My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see”

Leave her alone! Goddamn you! Get out!

Haha. I like the title of this post. And also that it has nothing to do with anything.

So, I didn’t get the goblet. I got a mug.

And it turns out work wont start until (tentatively) the 21st. shit. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do till then.

Well… I can clean my house for starters… or... I don’t know. Stay in bed for one more week. I love my sleep.

Finally, I finished importing my Dylan albums. I thought I had all of them… but, according to the list in bobdylan.com, I don’t have the ones after 1990 and some other albums in between… but I’m getting there… they’re all on queue as I type this.

M wants us to go clubbing tomorrow night. I am really really not up for anything that requires me to get out of bed… much more dress up and travel for two hours to get drunk and dance. ah, but what are you gonna do?

I’ve been listening to Dylan the whole day… he sure is a poet.

Boots of Spanish Leather : Bob Dylan
“Oh, but if I had the stars from the darkest night
And the diamonds from the deepest ocean,
I'd forsake them all for your sweet kiss,
For that's all I'm wishin' to be ownin'.
That I might be gone a long time
And it's only that I'm askin',
Is there something I can send you to remember me by,
To make your time more easy passin'.
Oh, how can, how can you ask me again,
It only brings me sorrow.
The same thing I want from you today,
I would want again tomorrow.”

Ballad in Plain D : Bob Dylan
“All is gone, all is gone, admit it, take flight.
I gagged twice, doubled, tears blinding my sight.
My mind it was mangled, I ran into the night
Leaving all of love's ashes behind me.
The wind knocks my window, the room it is wet.
The words to say I'm sorry, I haven't found yet.
I think of her often and hope whoever she's met
Will be fully aware of how precious she is.”

right back where i started...

I have decided that since I have already poured more than necessary to this blog, that I would keep this and keep it anonymous. The OTHER blog would stay identified and open for public consumption. But this would be the place where I pour everything out and just say whatever I want to say. True to the name, this will be mushashii’s mush pit as it has been for the last two fucking years. I will try my best to keep the other one bright, sunny and censored.

so, here goes... haha.

Sometimes, we let go of the things we love not because we’ve given up. but because we simply want them to be happy. Because… isn’t that what love is all about in the first place?

My last shred of hope to keep tascha fell apart last night. I will miss her. She truly is my baby. Over the course of two weeks, I’m afraid that much like me, she has also learned to silently cry herself to sleep.

It’s just not fair.

I always believed that love will not always be enough. Yet the last seven years I think the only thing that kept me going was love.

It’s been two years since my world suddenly took a 180 degree turn. And since I don’t think I’ve ever really recovered, I didn’t think my world could fall apart again. But it did.

Maybe all this is part of a grand plan that I have yet to understand. It better be. the heart can only take so much.

All things considered, I have an extended/special/deluxe now playing edition:

there is no if : the cure
"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
And it starts the day you make the sign
"tell me I'm forever yours and you're forever mine
Forever mine... "

Remember the last time I told you I love you -
It was warm and safe in our perfect world –

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said
But it ends the day you understand
There is no if... just and
There is no if... just and
There is no if..."

going to california : led zeppelin
“I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I’ll meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.
To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.”

it doesn’t have to be that way : jim croce
“And the Christmas carols sound like blues,
But the choir is not to blame.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
What we had should never have ended.”

stop crying your heart out : oasis
“Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone”

two star : everything but the girl
“So it's not for me to say,
because I change my mind from day to day,
and when I look at you
I only see bits of myself anyway.
So go on, and stop listening to me.
Stop lisening to me.
And don't ask me what to say,
or to judge a life this way
when my own's in disarray.”

every grain of sand : bob dylan
“I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times it's only me.
I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man
Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.”

flowers in december : mazzy star
"Before I let you down again
I just want to see you in your eyes
I would have taken everything out on you
I only thought you could understand

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
And they say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I got nothing more to say about it
Nothing more than you would me

Send me your flowers, of your december
Send me your dreams, of your candy wine
I got just one thing I cant give you
Just one more thing of mine

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
They say everybody steals somebodys heart away
And Ive been wondering why you let me down
And I been taking it all for granted."

oh, fuck.

straight up

I have to stop signing job offers if I don’t intend to actually get the job. At the rate I am going, I will be blacklisted from these companies and will probably regret it when and if the time comes that I am serious about working for them.



Anyway… I think I will be working for my previous company and I think work will start on Monday. I’m just not so sure yet and I’m still looking around.



In an effort to get my ass off my warm bed, M forced me to go with her yesterday. She is not the kind of person you reason with, because believe me, it is futile. So I went with her. Strange thing is that she gives really good relationship advice. Strange because she doesn’t come across as someone well versed in matters of the (broken) heart. And she always starts with … “ if you ask me” or “if you want my opinion…” which I find really amusing because with her, you really don’t have a choice. :)



We were supposed to get our social security ID’s but the capture machine wasn’t working… so we went to the mall and waited for her scheduled interview. I didn’t plan on applying at that company yet. But, I didn’t feel like going home so I gave my resume… and well… how do you answer the question, “what assurance do we have that this time, you’re not wasting our time again?” when you know that you are wasting their time, again? Hmmm…



My last shred of hope to keep tascha fell apart last night. I will miss her. She truly is my baby. Over the course of two weeks, I’m afraid that much like me, she has also learned to silently cry herself to sleep.



Well, right now, my only concern is if I should drink this chilled strawberry wine straight from the bottle or if I should get out of bed to get that giant goblet.

now, that channing tatum? one.hot.dude.

All things considered, I have an extended/special/deluxe now playing edition:



there is no if : the cure

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...

And it starts the day you make the sign

"tell me I'm forever yours and you're forever mine

Forever mine... "



Remember the last time I told you I love you -

It was warm and safe in our perfect world –



"if you die" you said "so do i" you said

But it ends the day you understand

There is no if... just and

There is no if... just and

There is no if..."



going to california : led zeppelin

“I think I might be sinking.

Throw me a line if I reach it in time

I’ll meet you up there where the path

Runs straight and high.

To find a queen without a king;

They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.”



it doesn’t have to be that way : jim croce

“And the Christmas carols sound like blues,

But the choir is not to blame.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

What we had should never have ended.”



stop crying your heart out : oasis

“Cos all of the stars are fading away

Just try not to worry you'll see them some day

Take what you need and be on your way

And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared

You'll never change what been and gone”



two star : everything but the girl

“So it's not for me to say,

because I change my mind from day to day,

and when I look at you

I only see bits of myself anyway.

So go on, and stop listening to me.

Stop lisening to me.

And don't ask me what to say,

or to judge a life this way

when my own's in disarray.”



every grain of sand : bob dylan

“I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea

Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times it's only me.

I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man

Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.”





flowers in december : mazzy star

"Before I let you down again

I just want to see you in your eyes

I would have taken everything out on you

I only thought you could understand



They say everyman goes blind in his heart

And they say everybody steals somebody's heart away

And I got nothing more to say about it

Nothing more than you would me



Send me your flowers, of your december

Send me your dreams, of your candy wine

I got just one thing I cant give you

Just one more thing of mine



They say everyman goes blind in his heart

They say everybody steals somebodys heart away

And Ive been wondering why you let me down

And I been taking it all for granted."



oh, fuck.

You’re a good man, Charlie Brown

Now that I’ve got that out…



what do I do on a slow Saturday morning? Hmmm… despite the pile of housework that I still refuse to do, I think I’m just going to stay in bed and read today. My legs feel like jelly and it’s a Saturday. I don’t work on weekends. No matter what. Ha.



Anyway… it’s time you meet my favorite underachiever.

Charlie Brown wins your heart with his losing ways. It always rains on his parade, his baseball game, and his life. He's an inveterate worrier who frets over trifles (but who's to say they're trifles?). Although he is concerned with the true meaning of life, his friends sometimes call him "blockhead." Other than his knack for putting himself down, there are few sharp edges of wit in his repertoire; usually he's the butt of the joke, not the joker. He can be spotted a mile away in his sweater with the zig zag trim, head down, hands in pocket, headed for Lucy's psychiatric booth. He is considerate, friendly and polite and we love him knowing that he'll never win a baseball game or the heart of the little red-haired girl, kick the football Lucy is holding or fly a kite successfully. His friends call him "wishy-washy," but his spirit will never give up in his quest to triumph over adversity. (snoopy.com)



R went over last night and brought over a bag of Doritos and a cinnamon loaf. She doesn’t know it, but she just fed me for a week. I have the greatest friends.

chicken shit

AWWWWW!!!



My face hurts. And my stomach hurts like a motherf*%ker. And that is putting it mildly. Excuse the profanity but I find it really really really comforting to throw around expletives when I am stark raving mad.



This is what happens when you withhold the truth from a friend, the same truth she’s repeatedly asked from you for years. She harbors an unreasonable amount of hate.



Snoopy.com is not working. It hasn’t been working since last night. there’s this strip I’ve been looking for where Charlie Brown says every child should have been issued with a dog and a banjo. And I can’t find it anywhere. I need my daily Charlie Brown strip, dammet!!!

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit. - (it's called a br... yep i'm reading that book again. )





Ok, so here goes… you can all scream, “I told you so!!!” and feel free to raise an eyebrow, hit me with a jackhammer, add some adjectives, heck you can even throw in a profanity or two. I would humbly take it because I f@%king deserve it.



Anyway… I’ve done this before and I’m toughing it out. Don’t think I’m giving up. I’ve seen a lot of battles in my life and I have learned to choose which ones I fight and which ones just aren’t worth it.



So… I’m bringing out the troops. I have a bottle of tequila and half a bottle of strawberry wine left. Plus… I am willing to shell out a considerable amount of cash for vodka or/and red wine.



Meanwhile, I will drown my sorrows in the bowels of castrocopia where tour videos, love of the castropantz and profanity abound.



NP: walk on water : aerosmith

"I never seen a smile that looked so sad

A yeah... you make me feel so good 'cause you're so bad

Hey little darlin'

Your love is legendary

Love's four letters

Ain't in my dictionary"

around the bend

My mind is a mangled mess. And whatever decisions I have to make… I’m just not. How are you supposed to decide on the thing that gives you so much joy yet brings you so much pain?

The weather has been drab the past few days and now I am under it.

It’s been so stressful here at the apartment the past few days that I had to go out just to breathe and think. and if I can’t be comfortable in my own home then there’s really not much left for me. I used to be able to take refuge in my little apartment. and if I want fresh air, I would just go outside and walk until I reach that park in front of the church. I would always end up there, sitting on the last pew, silently praying, sometimes, even crying for help. But all that’s gone now.

Anyway, I tried to relieve the stress by shopping for a pair of shoes. I made a little rule though. I can only buy a sensible pair. One that I can wear to work. (meaning I can wear them for about 8 hours) One that I can actually walk in. (meaning, no stilettos, no heels more than 2 inches). One that goes with my clothes (no purple, bright red or apple green pairs).

So I bought a book instead. Sensible shoes are mostly ugly. Who wants to buy ugly shoes?

I bought “Unless” by Carol Shields, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Stone Diaries. I don’t know why I bought the book. I haven’t heard of Carol Shields or her books before. But I am guessing that this will be a good read based on the reviews. and I just needed to buy something anyway.

With the number of books I currently have on queue, It’ll probably be a year before I get to read this.

I am stalling. I know. Crap. Not even Castro or Dylan can alleviate me from this dilemma. Again… what the hell have I gotten myself into?!

NP: Around the Bend : Pearl Jam
“off you dream, my little child
there's a sun around the bend
all the evenings close like this
all these moments that i've missed
please forgive me, won't you, dear?
please forgive and let me share...
with you around the bend”

not so fresh start

I keep forgetting this. I signed the job offer from my old office. Same company, different account. Ergo: same shit, different day. I signed because I didn’t have much of a choice. I signed, knowing this job is going to be just as vulnerable as the previous one. I need work and I haven’t been getting any good job offers. Heck, there aren’t really a lot of available jobs out there.



Anyway, it’s still kind of a fresh start. I only wished my fresh start was somewhere nearer and not two hours away from home. The daily commute kills me.



Tentatively, I have a week till the new job starts. Hmm… somehow, this “time off” has gone awfully awry. I am freaking tired and I think I’m going down with something. I’ve got a nasty headache and my throat hurts.



All the anxiety of the past few days made me appreciate jingoy even more… jingoy. My cuddly, low maintenance and funny teddy bear.

Me and jingoy in bittersweet times.

NP: Jimi Thing : Dave Matthews Band

“Lately I've been feeling low

A remedy is what I'm seeking

I take a taste of what's mellow

Come away to something better

What I want is what I've not got

But what I need is all around me

I reach and search and never stop

And I'll say...

If you could keep me floating just for a while

'Til I get to the end of this tunnel called... Jimi”

spot trainer

Know what I like? Surprises. Like when a friend dropped by to say hi at around 10:30 last night coz he just happened to be in the neighborhood. I thought that was sweet.

Well, it turns out that the new fan I bought wasn’t missing a part. The manual was just useless and I didn’t screw the blade right. Ha. All that screaming at the lousy customer service rep for nothing. Tee. Hee.

I’m not sure if I should start putting up ads for possible homes for tascha or if I should wait this out a little bit. And, I just want to be clear on this one… it’s not just the poop cleaning I’m having such a hard time with… it’s me, being scared. That’s the main thing. So, like the overly abused break up line, it’s not you tascha, it’s me. I have to work on my inner demons and you deserve better… and incidentally, this time with tascha, no truer break up lines were ever said.

Should I wait it out, send her to dog boarding school then if it still doesn’t work out then I’ll start looking for new owners? And while she’s at dog school, I’ll mentally prepare for what’s to come? Or… should I start looking for someone who’ll take her while she’s still just three months old… save myself a lot of dough for the dog boarding school, cut off all this emotional trouble, asap?

R went over today to go through my CDs and suggested that maybe I can get someone to help me with tascha and the apartment, full time. I am not sure about this yet. But I’m willing to look further into this option.

Although, right now… I am still convinced that I can’t live with a dog, with or without a full time dog sitter. I simply can’t have one. I haven’t posted an ad for tascha yet. But I am pretty convinced that unless some sort of divine intervention comes along, I am giving her up.

and I know You know, but it wouldn’t hurt to say it… I am kind of waiting.

NP: the sky is broken : moby
"See the storm is broken
In the middle of the night
Nothing left here for me
It's washed away"

fail and shake

I know I said this just a few hours ago, “But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.” But now… I don’t know.

I think I may have to let her go. I can’t constantly be agitated like this. I haven’t slept well or had more than a meal each day since I got her. I’m all for the losing weight part, but this isn’t healthy, even for me. And I’m pretty loose on my health standards so, coming from me, that’s saying a lot.

And I am shaking right now. Like literally shaking. This can’t be right.

Badfish : Sublime
“When you grab a hold of me
Tell me that I'll never be set free
But I'm a parasite creep and crawl I step into the night.”

blades a-flyin', sinks a sinkin'

I haven’t posted pictures of tascha because my camera is not working and I can’t take a good picture using my phone coz she keeps moving… and my phone camera can’t keep up. Speaking of those who can’t keep up...

I am sooooo tired. Cleaning dog poo sure takes a whole lot of my time. Being scared 24 hours a day sure is tiring. Not to mention nasty to my tummy.

Tascha, now, she is a handful. She is as feisty as I am terrified. But now my fear is twofold. One, I’m still scared of dogs. That includes tascha, although I can now touch and carry her. Two, whenever I’m not home I fear something bad will happen to her. i don’t want to leave her alone in my apartment, but I have no choice sometimes. There are a lot of errands to run and even more work to be done. When I’m not home with her (even if I have someone puppy sitting) I worry.

Whether I’m watching a movie, grocery shopping, or out drinking with my friends, my mind wanders to tascha, hoping she’s happy and safe. and I don’t like this. I don’t like worrying.

The only thing I fear more than a stuffed dog is a dead one. I think I will instantly faint if I ever saw one.

People tell me that it’s just hard now because she’s still a puppy but once she grows up, it wouldn’t be so hard to have her around. Right now, she needs constant care and attention and I don’t even know if I can make it till she’s three months old and ready for Dog Boarding School. (how can seven lousy days go by so so so sloooow???)

It’s been like 3 days since I brought her home, and honestly, it feels like it’s been a month. This is supposed to be my rest and relaxation time. Time to sort the crooked and haywire parts of my life. And waking up at 5am to clean dog poop is not part of that. Well, it wasn’t. now it is. Damn.

There are times when I just want to go online and post an ad for a three month old shih tzu with 21 red marks and 5 green marks on her paper.

It’s almost like I adopted a baby. I know… I know. having a baby is a million times more serious than getting a puppy and I have very little knowledge in infant care but sometimes, I feel like it would have been a bit less stressful for me. Well, first, I’m not scared of babies. I love them and I don’t have a nagging fear whenever they are around. Second, I won’t have to worry too much about leaving the baby, because you can take your baby to malls, restaurants and groceries. And third, at least I won’t have to justify getting a baby sitter as opposed to getting a dog sitter.

See, I am not ready for this. Clearly. I lived a really carefree albeit selfish life for over two years now and I really like it. I live for myself and I’m responsible for no one. It’s actually kinda fun…

I swear. me and tascha, we are the worst pair in canine/human history.

But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.

Now, before I am forced to change the name of this blog to “ivy gets a puppy”…

I lost another turtle. Shit. I got two turtles as a birthday gift (because I lost the ones I had before) and now, I lost one again! I hope it’s in the backyard, slowly wandering. I’m having the backyard mowed and weaned tomorrow. I hope we find my turtle.

I bought a new fan yesterday. The blade almost flew off the base to chop my head off. Ahh. Me and my near misses… it turns out that it’s missing a part. Duh. The one that secures the blade to the motor shaft.

Go figure.

Aaaaaaaaand….

My bathroom sink fell off. It just did. And it’s sitting on my toilet as I write this. I won’t post pictures of that coz… even though I hardly get embarrassed, this one is quite mortifying. I’ll leave that to your imagination.

And go wild.


NP: wrong way : sublime
"Don't run away if you wanna stay
Cuz I ain't here to make ya..."

ready or not, ivy. ready or not.

You guys will have to start making a decision and you’ll have to stand by it. Because a girl’s got to know. One moment you persuade me to get a puppy and then the next minute, you tell me not to because I’m ill equipped… (i.e. I’m scared of them and I can’t hold them.) Your indecision doesn’t help me at all…



You tell me the demands of a puppy, then you convince me to get one, but you never offer to help out. And to top it off, you keep looking for puppy ads and you keep calling to give me updates on the puppy hunt.



Make up your mind already. you know i can't read between the lines.



You tell me I will totally love the puppy but it will be miserable under my care and I’ll just probably put it up for adoption after a few months. then you send me researched articles about dogs and which breed is right for me and send me cute dog pictures like this:

And… just when I’ve decided not to get one, you show up at my door step telling me to go get dressed coz we’re seeing a breeder. What the hell?



So… anyway, meet tascha. My rascal of a shih tzu. I didn’t choose her. I didn’t even decide on getting her. She picked me. And she decided that she was going home with me.



well, brace yourself, tascha. you have no idea what you got us into.



(No picture of tascha yet. Will post asap.)

puppy lurv...

So, in the midst of all these chaos, I decided I want a dog. A Shih Tzu puppy. Now, the tricky part is I am scared shit of dogs. I have been as far back as I can remember. I am even scared of toy dogs, and I don’t mean a certain class of small dogs, but dogs that aren’t real. Dogs that don’t breathe and bite and pee.

So, why in the world do I want a dog? I don’t know. I just want one. I want one so bad, it’s driven me to tears when I realized that I can’t have a dog just yet. I am not ready to have a dog. And not just because I’m scared of dogs… I don’t think I’m ready for the responsibility, based on things I’ve heard and read about taking care of puppies. Like, that I’ll have to comb my puppy’s coat every day. Heck, I don’t even comb my hair everyday. And that my apartment will smell… and that I’ll have to clean after them…

But I really want one. And i really don’t know why. Do people really have to have a reason for wanting a puppy except that they just want one? I really don’t know if i want a puppy for the right reasons. I’m really new to all these, you see.

I actually have plans for the puppy. I will gate my pad to make sure that the pup won’t fall off the balusters to the stairs. I will also get a cage for her as her sleeping quarter. And she will have the most amazing play area at the garage downstairs. She will go to dog boarding school for a month to learn basic obedience training and so that I can get some training too on how to handle a dog. See, I have big, huge plans for this puppy.

Yet, I’m scared that I won’t be able to take care of her. I’m scared that what I have to offer won’t be enough. I live alone and I have to work. As it is, life can be too much sometimes… and right now, I’m still just catching up… so I guess I’ll have to put off getting a puppy for maybe a couple of weeks at least. But the shit is, I might have to start going to work in a week or two… which leaves me no time to actually get acquainted to the puppy before I have to leave her for at least 9 hours a day… alone. I’m no dog expert, and even though they said that I can leave a shih tzu alone in the house while I work, I still think that it’s a bit cruel to leave a little puppy by herself for that long a time.

Geeze… what to do… what to do…

And just as i was convinced that I can take care of one, a storm comes to shatter my confidence. Hmm… it was just a stupid storm. If I expect to take care of my own puppy, I should be able to go through a freaking storm with little tears and so much grace. Ah, but there I was, wide awake and crying alone while the storm raged outside.

I want a puppy so much. But I also want that puppy to have the best home she can have. And if I can’t give that… maybe I shouldn’t even be calling breeders and asking for appointments.

Then… I guess I’m not getting a puppy. At least not yet.

Okay… so maybe this is what I can do… after I finish cleaning up my apartment, and I mean finish, like everything clean, including the attic and the yard downstairs, I will set up the aquarium for my turtles then I will start calling breeders and I will start putting up puppy gates in my house. I think, maybe that is a good plan.

Oh, I have to start looking for a new job as well. Hah. Almost forgot about that.

NP: Cold Cold Heart : Nora Jones

"Why cant I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold cold heart?"

bedlam!

I turned 29, lost my job, found another job and decided that I want to have a puppy all in a span of one week. This is kinda frenzied, even for me.



I love houses, which is why I took Architecture in the first place. I treasure the idea of living in a nice, quiet, little house. I love designing it (in my head, because I can’t draw to save my life). And I love staying in my apartment the whole day, just spending time with my parakeets and turtles. I love cooking. I love eating in front of the TV. I love having the stereo on full blast while I clean my apartment, rearrange my furniture and sing with, well, wild abandon. I love shopping for things for my apartment: new curtains, rugs, candles, paintings, and maybe a new table. I love grocery shopping and filling my fridge with chocolates and fruits. I love reading a good book while it rains outside and there’s only enough light in the room to read the words…



It has been roughly 8 months since I moved to this new apartment. There I was, single, busy and hopeful. I was hoping to start anew and well… just glad to be out of the cramped apartment with a ceiling that leaks. I stayed a year too long there, I think. Or maybe I stayed five years too long there, I don’t know. (well, that’s a whole new blog altogether. Haha.)



Well, very little progress has since been made towards the improvement of my new apartment. there was work, and the holidays, then I went on a lot of trips… hongkong, macao, coron, boracay, bohol, then boracay again… then there’s also the slight misfortune of me constantly getting sick, which confines me to bed for a whole week sometimes. And of course, there’s you know, life… which happens… and has left me with this:

I think I have bit of a wiring problem. how did I end up like this? And how the hell do I untangle this mess? Wires first. Then me.

What? Who? me? Trashy? This isn’t even half of my garbage problem, but all the rest is just too embarrassing and gross to post here.

Clear cache. Please. This is half of the cd’s/dvd’s I have yet to sort/watch/listen to. My best friend is coming over sometime next week to borrow some of my cd’s to import to her iPod. Well, I wish both us luck.

Ivy, you’re so vain. this shows just how much or how little I care about how I look. I’ll leave you to decide. Which reminds me, I have to buy a real mirror.

Culture shock. This is the top of my dresser. I don’t even know what to say.

sweet attic dreams. When I moved in November of last year I had high hopes for this room. I imagined a really nice home theatre system. A huge TV. My dvds neatly stacked and arranged alphabetically. And maybe on weekends I’ll have some people over for movies or video games and popcorn and cold beer. Now, eight months later… this is just sad. I’m almost sorry. Ha.

Skeletons and boxing gloves in my closet. oh and yeah, some clothes too. This also reminds me that I haven’t used my iron since January, when I attended that wedding.

Minus ears. This is my bedside table. And yes. That is a blue plastic cat with a propeller on top of his head. That’s Doraemon and I love him. And yes, he flies.

the bedlam that is where I sleep. That’s jingoy and mr wizard. and I just realized how deep in shit I am right now.



For what it’s worth, I would like to stress that I am not a slob. This is not joe’s apartment. It may be hard to believe but there aren’t any bugs in my pink little pad. There aren’t any cockroaches, ants or rodents. Although I think some spiders started to migrate in my terrace the past month. and my apartment smells of apples.



So here it is, my rented life. Living in single domestic chaos.

where all my pieces fit

travelin' thru
~dolly parton

Well I can't tell you where I'm going, I'm not sure of where I've been
But I know I must keep travelin' till my road comes to an end
I'm out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it
I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit

Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home
Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' on

Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we're here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We've all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I'm born again, you're gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to you
As I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', as I'm travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it's hard to travel on
But holdin' to each other, we don't have to walk alone
When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try
We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly

Goodbye little children, goodnight you handsome men
Farewell to all you ladies and to all who knew me when
And I hope I'll see you down the road, you meant more than I knew
As I was travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin'
Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind
Oh give me some direction lord, let me lean on you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Like the poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find my own way home
Oh sweet Jesus if you're out there, keep me ever close to you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', as I'm travelin' thru

lightning crashes

NP: The Dam At Otter Creek : Live

So much has been said in this blog about moving on and the need to do so… but, in some way, I think despite my efforts, there was very little progress in that aspect.

Last Friday, a big step was done for that cause. I don’t really know where I am. I mean, I don’t know how (or if I should even) gauge my progress. But the fact that I actually showed up was a big step. Really. I almost chickened out.

I hope this is the start of the end. It’s about damn time. Actually, it’s long overdue… but, what are you gonna do, huh?

NP: I Alone : Live

bucket of smiles

NP: Simple Kind Of Life : Gwen Stefani

Geeze. This song is like the OST of my life. “simple kind of girl, simple kind of life.”

Ok. Ok. Ok. I have to clean up my act. It is absolutely necessary to clean up my act and rise above the mess that has become my life nowadays. How did I manage to come to the conclusion that my life is a mess? Let me count the ways:

I haven’t picked up the laundry from the cleaners for more than a week. Which consequently follows # 2
I have no more clothes to wear to work and I am harboring more than a week’s work of dirty laundry.
I have dirty dishes almost a week old rotting in my sink.
there’s a nasty clog in my kitchen sink.
I have no more gas for my stove.
bentot (my turtle) is sad and alone and is swimming in his own mold.
I haven’t cleaned my dresser since I left for HK a month ago.
I haven’t been to the gym for almost two weeks.
I haven’t opened my organizer for weeks.
I guess it goes without saying that my apartment is in urgent need of cleaning.
I have used tissues, lotion bottles, jackets on my bed.
My paintings are in disarray.

I’m not sure where this downfall started. I think it started when I got sick then lost my wits for a dreadlocked bucket of smiles with dreamy blue eyes. My schedule went from full to impossible. I can’t go out Wednesday and Thursday nights. And also on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Which leaves me with only Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays to see my friends, work out 3x a week, clean my apartment and run errands. Pretty tight schedule huh?

I will stop watching AI when castro gets eliminated. And I am hoping against hope it won’t be soon. His AI performance every week is the highlight of my pathetic little life. And so far, after that “hallelujah” stint, I have been disappointed. Disappointed that the next two performances paled in comparison to that one and disappointed that, imho, he failed to choose the right Beatles songs to showcase his potential. Heck, I’m guessing even he doesn’t know the extent of his potential. But I’m hoping (and I bet so does his battalion of fans) this will soon be apparent before it’s too late and he gets axed from the show.

The thing about this kid (and I know I am not alone in this) is that no matter how bland or awkward the song turns out, he still manages to make me smile and laugh and just feel good. Amused. Giddy. Light-hearted. Flustered.

This is uncanny.

Ok, I may have been a bit harsh on him with the Beatles songs because I am a big Beatles fan and I had illusions of grandeur for when he sings one of my favorite Beatles song… like say, “you’ve got to hide your love away” or “while my guitar gently weeps” or “Eleanor Rigby” or “across the universe”… I guess I expected too much from a goofy but undeniably sweet 20 year old guy.

Ah, story of my life. Argh.

Before I go further into this castro fixation and get really creepy, let me go back to what I was saying… wait what was that?

Ahh… getting back on track. Yup. Tomorrow I clean up my act and get it together. Because honestly, I HAVE to get it together SO badly. I can’t let myself go on a downward spiral once again.

NP: Sweetest Goodbye : Maroon 5

he of dreamy blue eyes and wild dreadlocks

NP: what a day for a daydream : jason castro


see, I don’t know where to start this. I haven’t been particularly busy since my last post. In fact, I had quite a breezy time at work except for the week I got sick again. Anyway… there’s this thing, this embarrassing thing that went out of control... let’s just call him castro. Because that’s his last name. (I am stalling here, if you hadn’t noticed).

Thing is, I am pretty much exerting all my energy to keep from sounding like a fangirl tween bawling over a reality show guy. So… let me just say this, before I lose control and go crazy with the tween ramblings, watching castro at AI (whether he performs well or not) is the highlight of my pathetic, hum drum week.

I better end this post now and go back to viewing my downloaded castro what not’s.

Rats. I’m smiling from ear to ear. Damn you, castro.

NP: if i fell : jason castro

sail to the moon

It’s a struggle just to get up and drag myself to the office. Damn. Jump before the boat goes under? Or stay on board till the end and pray that you find a treasure at the bottom? I can’t do this anymore. Fuck.

where it began...

In God's Hands
~ Nelly Furtado : Loose

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time

I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
You couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

And now our loves floating out the window
Our loves floating out the back door
Our loves floating up in the sky
In heaven where it began
Back in God’s hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it’s the end of the day

We gave a lot
But it wasn’t enough
We got so tired
Like we just gave up

Now our loves floating out the window
Our loves floating out the back door
Our loves floating up in the sky
In heaven where it began
Back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

We didn’t respect it
We went on neglected
We didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this

Our loves floated out the window
Our loves floated out the back door
Our loves floated up in the sky
To heaven it’s part of the plan
It’s back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

Oh, It didn’t last
It’s a thing of the past
No, I didn’t understand
Oh, Just what we had
Oh, I want it back
Just what we had
I want it back
Oh, just what we had

I didn’t really have much choice in the formatting and uploading process of my new iPod. It was pretty much X’s call. And as a result, I was, in a way, encouraged (I hate to say forced) to listen to songs I wouldn’t normally listen to… the likes of morissey, green day and even Eminem. But yesterday, I stumbled upon nelly furtado’s album, loose. And there’s this amazing song… “in God’s hands”. The melody doesn’t exactly break ground but the easy melody and beautiful lyrics make the song so… right.

i want it back.
just what we had.

this boat is sinking!

During our stay in HK, we didn’t really have much of a choice but to attend a service since we were staying at their “church”. It was a pleasant experience, really. My aunt’s friends treated us out to dimsum before the service. The pastor was late, but it was worth it. He was funny and real and above all, he knew his flock. He knew what their wants and pains are. He was really a breath of fresh air… or maybe any pastor or priest would be a breath of fresh air for me. I haven’t gone to church in a long long time. There are struggles and questions and discomforts that i have still have to settle within myself. That whole thing is another topic altogether that might take days, even months to finish.

Anyway, there was a portion in the service where you pair up with someone and you talk and “share”. Basically, what i remember is that my partner asked me what i wanted to pray for. My mind raced for things i ought to pray for… like maybe my obscure relationship with X, or my imminent unemployment… not that i can survive without a job or that the thing with X is going well… but those things just seemed unimportant and small at that time… I prayed for my dad. It was totally unexpected. I asked that God watch over him and take care of him because he is far away and old and alone.

Now the food there is amazing. The dimsum, the siopao, the stir fry, the roast – Amazing! Damn. I’ve never had siopao that good.

everyday, it gets harder and harder to go to work. it gets more difficult to drag myself out of bed and go to this hell hole. i'm only here coz i need to stay. because i can't look for new job just yet. but once i can do that, i'll get the hell out of here. nevermind if i will get some sort of compensation when the account finally closes down. i just really want to get out. it's emotionally draining and tiring. one thing i learned about this, i don't have to be a hero. never wait till the boat has sunk. jump while you can.

bottom of the floor, top of the world

Office
NP: Bottom of the Floor : Dishwalla

I didn’t get to play the Sims last night. I was surprisingly tired and sleepy so I just went to bed. I wasn’t able to make it to my 6am shift because I thought I’ll be able to catch the AM water delivery but I didn’t. argh. Some days just don’t turn up the way you expect them to. Though luck. I meant to meet up with rej so I can give her the piyao she’s been bugging me about. My best friend, R, all of a sudden just turned into a Chinese “charm” nut. Pardon me for the ignorance. I really don’t know what else to call it. Hehehe. Anyway… it turns out she can’t make it tonight and I can tell that she’s not in the mood for much so it’s not going to push through.

I planned to go to the gym today but I can’t coz I need new contacts and I have to get a fan and a mouse for my pretty little notebook PC. There’s just so much to do these days. It’s crazy. But I have to take it one day at a time. I have to remember that I can’t do everything at once. Allocation is key. Hehehe. I’ve done all I can do at work today. So I’m doing this and some other organization in my PC. All the files are screwed up so I still have a lot of work to do. This is bound to get easier once I get a new mouse.

Back to what I was trying to say yesterday…

Darn I think I lost what I was going to say. I was so rudely interrupted by this meeting with our human resources manager about our impending unemployment. Where was I?

Oh, HK. I really love traveling. Not only do you see new things, new places, but you see new people as well. When you talk to them, when you interact with them, you learn something new… What I like most is that you get to immerse yourself in their culture. And somehow, you kinda experience what it’s like to live their life a little bit. Like when you walk the streets at night and do a little shopping, when you eat at their restaurants and taste their food, when you go to their temples and observe while they worship and pray. Or even when you do something as simple as speaking a little bit of their language or riding their train…

I loved going to the Big Buddha. The first thing I thought of when I saw the giant Buddha was my angkong (grandfather). He was a Buddhist and he tried to preserve his faith for as long as he could. Even in his last moments, he refused to be baptized as a catholic, which I really respected. There’s a lot to be said about a man who has such strong beliefs over a faith he hasn’t had the chance to practice for over 60 years or so. As I got closer to Buddha, I asked how my angkong is doing… and wished that he’s fine. I bought the Buddha painting because it reminds me of angkong. Being there in Hk, being in a real temple brought me closer to angkong. I wish I’d gone there with him. He probably had so many things to show us. So many things to teach us.
One of the things I learned about the people there is that they are kind, helpful and very respectful. Although they aren’t as warm as pinoys, they are definitely more respectful and helpful. I will marry a good Chinese guy anytime. Hehehe.

Disneyland was a blast. It was just such a happy place. Every kid wants to go to Disneyland… and the kid in me was just overwhelmed with joy. My brother and I were both beaming and smiling like little kids after the parade. My brother, who rarely speaks about his happiness, suddenly blurted out that he was just happy. And if you looked around, everyone else was just as cheerful. It was amazing. Mr Walt Disney, you are a hero.

Ocean Park was a little bit disappointing. Some areas like the aviary were closed for renovation. I was expecting the rides to be bloodcurdling… but at most they were old, toned down versions of the rides at Enchanted Kingdom. The aquariums were a bigger disappointment. The aquariums were way too crowded for all the animals inside and it was too small, I think the creatures are tired of going around in circles for years. If I were an animal rights activist, I’ll definitely want the place closed down. Which, btw, I think I’m slowly turning into one. First, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to see the dolphin show. I think the dolphins are being abused for human entertainment. They should be freed and returned to the ocean where they can swim and jump and play all they want. Not just the dolphins, every creature there should be free. I don’t see dolphins caging humans for their entertainment, right? I say, set them free. Let the dolphins play!

My battery is dying on me. I gotta charge.

NP: Give : Dishwalla

log book

Apartment
NP: Only Time Will Tell : The Black Crowes

Finally. Welcome to my not so new laptop. I bought this second hand laptop from my cousin (?) alex when we visited him and his family in HongKong. That trip was amazing. Although there were times when I was annoyed as hell, but I didn’t let a small, tiny pest ruin my holiday. I prepared for that trip for a long time.

I don’t know where to start! Okay… so let’s start with the trip. My brother and I flew to hongkong for a week-long holiday. My brother’s primary purpose for going there was to buy his camera equipment while I planned to buy an ipod (which I’m currently charging and listening to right now) and to see donald duck. Well, I got my 160 GB ipod Classic and then some. (more into the other stuff I got later.) I also got to see and hug Donald duck. It’s like a dream come true for me. Disneyland and Donald duck. Hehehe. I’m a bit floozy right now so I might as well get right to it.

Until I think of a more clever and amusing name for this journal, I’ll just call it “log book” for now.

When they say that HK is a shopper’s haven, they weren’t exaggerating. Not one bit. There were just too many stores to see, so many things to buy yet so little time and so little baggage capacity. Originally, when I look at my shopping list (which was ridiculously short), all I intended to buy were the ipod, a pair of nike shoes, a watch, and a bag. Pretty simple and short, right? I ended up buying an ipod, an ipod case, a pair of crocs, a pair of nike 180 trainers, a samsonite backpack, an American Tourister laptop bag, a nike sports duffel bag, 5 paintings, a kookai watch, a nike watch, a nike jacket, an agate bracelet,and a bunch of t-shirts from roxy, h&m and nike.

I was so happy. Shopping is such great therapy. Whether you’re nursing a broken heart, on the verge of unemployment or just plain sad and alone.

O, I forgot, I also got this laptop. All in all, I was happy with the trip. We went to Disneyland, went to ocean park and saw pandas, saw the big Buddha, went to the Peak, saw the harbor bay light show, went to the wax museum, went to macau, got lost in macau, lost it in macau. Hehehe.

One of the nicest parts of the trip was meeting alex and his family. They were all so nice and the kids are adorable. I already met nikki and lauraine and joy here in manila years ago, but I wasn’t really able to spend time with them.

It’s getting kinda late and I think I’ll stop this and start playing the sims. Haha.

NP: Dyer’s Eve : Metallica

oh, harvey!

Harvey Wallbanger. just a glass and you’re laughing your ass off over… nothing. the slightest provocation would send you to a laughing spree for minutes. i had so much fun last night. my friends and i went to another razorback gig and as usual, it was amazing and fun and because of a certain guitarist, mesmerizing. i still can’t stop laughing.

my fly boy

yummy!

maybe may

know what i think? i think it’s about damn time for change.

this morning, when i got to my desk in the office, i looked around and knew: i don’t want to be here anymore. i have to go.

our big boss was transferred to another account and the power hungry herd she left have scampered to their feet and started each their own campaign for “office improvements” before she could even pack her bags. i hate this. i hate them. i hate them more now than i did when all they did was kiss my boss’ big fat ass.

i have to go.

and i will. april. maybe may. i will leave.

i have to.

happy birthday, ma!

miss you

projectile vomiting, space suits and my bare ass.

just how much humiliation are you supposed to take… like maybe in a day? i think i’ve become brazen over years of clumsy mishaps and blunders. but last friday was the day when the heavens decided to test just how shameless i’ve become. and i can say, i was surprised that i was able to pass with, should i say, flying colors?

it started in the morning at the gym. i finally got that sauna suit my trainer kept telling me to wear during workouts. i had two choices, the purple and black set or the silver set which looked like a space suit. The purple and black was cheaper and i love purple, so i got that one. it was way too big for me and i looked ridiculous, but i didn’t care. i just wanted to lose weight and look good in a bikini. i should have cared. coz after just a few laps, my trainer stopped me. he asked where my stuff was and told me that it was enough, because my ass was showing. i didn’t believe him… and the grim realization dawned only after he repeatedly said, “your ass is showing, your ass is showing, your ass is showing”. of course, i quickly pulled my jacket down to cover my bare ass. this gesture was soon followed by laughter from the nearby benches occupied by visiting boxers who were gathered for an important boxing clinic from a world champ. i quickly went to the locker to change and when i went back outside… the laughter was gone and so was my embarrassment.

i kept thinking, is it bad that i no longer feel ashamed for parading my bare ass in front of all those people? i guess their nonchalance after it happened helped me just toss it out the window with poise, i might add. they were, after all, gentlemen about it.

if i was able to dismiss that whole ass baring with poise, i’m afraid i wasn’t able to with the next incident. i failed to mention that i was at the gym for almost 5 hours. and i was so hungry afterwards… and had sinigang… of course. what the hell did i expect? just a few hours later, i was back at the mall for some shopping. i was at the make up booth when i started to feel dizzy. i tried to run to the nearest bathroom, but i didn’t make it. i ended up throwing up four times inside the mall… and once at the doctor’s office.

this was no ordinary throwing up. i was puking all over the place. even places i can’t imagine my vomit can reach. (my utmost apologies to the maintenance staff of sm.)


i didn’t really have much time to feel the humiliation of that incident as the pain in my stomach was just too much. i just felt awful. the doctor’s visit was a blur. mostly i remember projectile vomiting, stomach pains, endoscopy and biopsy and the hospital.

at the end of the day, i was just drained. exhausted. weak and still in pain.

i dreamt of my mom that night. i dreamt that i was saving her, carrying her to safety. but then i lost her. then i woke up writhing in pain.

say “cheese”!

“Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered,
but a maze of passages,
through which we must seek our way,
lost and confused, now and again
checked in a blind alley.


But always, if we have faith,
a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves
would have thought of,
but one that will ultimately
prove good for us"

~ aj cronin

high

~ the speaks

Will it ever be?
I’ve tried so hard to find sweet serenity
Are you still afraid?
Just close your eyes and dream, and feel it fade away.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

It’s taken some time,
And I’ve given up the will to change your state of mind
Try and understand,
It’s not so hard to see that I am just a man.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

Will it ever be?
I’ve tried so hard to find sweet serenity
Try and understand,
It’s not so hard to see that I am just a man.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

i searched the web for the lyrics of this song, curious as to how they would spell out the “ye-he-yehey” part. Most of the lyrics i found ignored it altogether but some transcribed it as “yeah, yeah, yeah” and interestingly enough, one site spelled it as “ye… yey”. as i browsed, i read this comment about the song..

“Forgive and forget…it could be the imperfections of the guy but what hit home is it can be construed in a situation wherein a boyfriend or a husband wandered away from the relationship then finally realized that it is their original girl or wife that they really love and is trying to find ways to ease the pain they have caused.”

i was intrigued. hmm… never really paid attention to the song except for the part where the vocalist says “ye-he-yehey”. the song was playing last night at the gym when i accidentally punched my trainer’s ear. now, after reading the lyrics… i guess it takes on a new meaning.

come to think of it, if led zep can pump me up for a workout. mushy songs can do twice as much. and i mean the really mushy, tacky break up songs, like the ones martin nievera and regine velasquez revive. you know, songs like one last cry and heaven knows. those kind of songs. yesterday, with “hard habit to break” playing in the background, i felt like i had enough energy to punch the daylights out of my trainer for hours. he had to take pain killers to dull the impact of each blow.

that’s why i love working out so much, you can take out your frustrations on a bag filled with sand or on your naughty trainer.

i almost fainted yesterday. i really should try to get more rest. and i should eat something a few hours before working out. i almost fainted just after doing my laps then i remembered that i only had one meal the entire day. it would have been so embarrassing if i did.

i have to come up with something. i barely sleep, even with wine and prescription medicine… i need to rest, but i have to lose weight too. it’s almost time to go to hongkong. and soon, it’ll be time for boracay. i need to power through this. mind over matter. mind over heart.

oh, and today’s the day. moment of truth, I. this is it. moment of truth.

moment of truth, now that’s a workout song. hehe.

missing

~beck, guero

I prayed heaven today
Would bring its hammer down on me
And pound you out of my head
I can't think with you in it

I dragged all that I owned
Down a dirt road to find you
My shoes worn out and used
They can't take me much farther

Something always takes the place
Of missing pieces
You can take and put together even though
You know there's something missing

The sun burned a hole in my roof
I can't seem to fix it
I hope the rain doesn't come
And wash me down the gutter

She rides in a car like a queen on a card
And the guns of her mind aim a line
Straight at mine to a heart that was broke
Tried to feel but got choked in the smoke of
A desert

A beach with no leisure a night that's so blue
Feed the aching in you and the background
Birds take a flight from the earth
Where the bonfire burns and the night
Current turns on a lifeboat floating
Down a river of sleep

I can't see her hollow eyes
I'm walkin along with my boots full of rocks
I can't believe these tears were mine
I'll give them to you to put away in a box

Something always takes the place of
Missing pieces you can take and put
Together even though
You know there's something missing
Something always missing always
Someone missing something