bucket of smiles

NP: Simple Kind Of Life : Gwen Stefani

Geeze. This song is like the OST of my life. “simple kind of girl, simple kind of life.”

Ok. Ok. Ok. I have to clean up my act. It is absolutely necessary to clean up my act and rise above the mess that has become my life nowadays. How did I manage to come to the conclusion that my life is a mess? Let me count the ways:

I haven’t picked up the laundry from the cleaners for more than a week. Which consequently follows # 2
I have no more clothes to wear to work and I am harboring more than a week’s work of dirty laundry.
I have dirty dishes almost a week old rotting in my sink.
there’s a nasty clog in my kitchen sink.
I have no more gas for my stove.
bentot (my turtle) is sad and alone and is swimming in his own mold.
I haven’t cleaned my dresser since I left for HK a month ago.
I haven’t been to the gym for almost two weeks.
I haven’t opened my organizer for weeks.
I guess it goes without saying that my apartment is in urgent need of cleaning.
I have used tissues, lotion bottles, jackets on my bed.
My paintings are in disarray.

I’m not sure where this downfall started. I think it started when I got sick then lost my wits for a dreadlocked bucket of smiles with dreamy blue eyes. My schedule went from full to impossible. I can’t go out Wednesday and Thursday nights. And also on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Which leaves me with only Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays to see my friends, work out 3x a week, clean my apartment and run errands. Pretty tight schedule huh?

I will stop watching AI when castro gets eliminated. And I am hoping against hope it won’t be soon. His AI performance every week is the highlight of my pathetic little life. And so far, after that “hallelujah” stint, I have been disappointed. Disappointed that the next two performances paled in comparison to that one and disappointed that, imho, he failed to choose the right Beatles songs to showcase his potential. Heck, I’m guessing even he doesn’t know the extent of his potential. But I’m hoping (and I bet so does his battalion of fans) this will soon be apparent before it’s too late and he gets axed from the show.

The thing about this kid (and I know I am not alone in this) is that no matter how bland or awkward the song turns out, he still manages to make me smile and laugh and just feel good. Amused. Giddy. Light-hearted. Flustered.

This is uncanny.

Ok, I may have been a bit harsh on him with the Beatles songs because I am a big Beatles fan and I had illusions of grandeur for when he sings one of my favorite Beatles song… like say, “you’ve got to hide your love away” or “while my guitar gently weeps” or “Eleanor Rigby” or “across the universe”… I guess I expected too much from a goofy but undeniably sweet 20 year old guy.

Ah, story of my life. Argh.

Before I go further into this castro fixation and get really creepy, let me go back to what I was saying… wait what was that?

Ahh… getting back on track. Yup. Tomorrow I clean up my act and get it together. Because honestly, I HAVE to get it together SO badly. I can’t let myself go on a downward spiral once again.

NP: Sweetest Goodbye : Maroon 5

he of dreamy blue eyes and wild dreadlocks

NP: what a day for a daydream : jason castro


see, I don’t know where to start this. I haven’t been particularly busy since my last post. In fact, I had quite a breezy time at work except for the week I got sick again. Anyway… there’s this thing, this embarrassing thing that went out of control... let’s just call him castro. Because that’s his last name. (I am stalling here, if you hadn’t noticed).

Thing is, I am pretty much exerting all my energy to keep from sounding like a fangirl tween bawling over a reality show guy. So… let me just say this, before I lose control and go crazy with the tween ramblings, watching castro at AI (whether he performs well or not) is the highlight of my pathetic, hum drum week.

I better end this post now and go back to viewing my downloaded castro what not’s.

Rats. I’m smiling from ear to ear. Damn you, castro.

NP: if i fell : jason castro

sail to the moon

It’s a struggle just to get up and drag myself to the office. Damn. Jump before the boat goes under? Or stay on board till the end and pray that you find a treasure at the bottom? I can’t do this anymore. Fuck.

where it began...

In God's Hands
~ Nelly Furtado : Loose

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time

I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
You couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

And now our loves floating out the window
Our loves floating out the back door
Our loves floating up in the sky
In heaven where it began
Back in God’s hands

You said that you had said all that you had to say
You said baby it’s the end of the day

We gave a lot
But it wasn’t enough
We got so tired
Like we just gave up

Now our loves floating out the window
Our loves floating out the back door
Our loves floating up in the sky
In heaven where it began
Back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

We didn’t respect it
We went on neglected
We didn’t deserve it
But I never expected this

Our loves floated out the window
Our loves floated out the back door
Our loves floated up in the sky
To heaven it’s part of the plan
It’s back in God’s hands
Back in God’s hands

Oh, It didn’t last
It’s a thing of the past
No, I didn’t understand
Oh, Just what we had
Oh, I want it back
Just what we had
I want it back
Oh, just what we had

I didn’t really have much choice in the formatting and uploading process of my new iPod. It was pretty much X’s call. And as a result, I was, in a way, encouraged (I hate to say forced) to listen to songs I wouldn’t normally listen to… the likes of morissey, green day and even Eminem. But yesterday, I stumbled upon nelly furtado’s album, loose. And there’s this amazing song… “in God’s hands”. The melody doesn’t exactly break ground but the easy melody and beautiful lyrics make the song so… right.

i want it back.
just what we had.

this boat is sinking!

During our stay in HK, we didn’t really have much of a choice but to attend a service since we were staying at their “church”. It was a pleasant experience, really. My aunt’s friends treated us out to dimsum before the service. The pastor was late, but it was worth it. He was funny and real and above all, he knew his flock. He knew what their wants and pains are. He was really a breath of fresh air… or maybe any pastor or priest would be a breath of fresh air for me. I haven’t gone to church in a long long time. There are struggles and questions and discomforts that i have still have to settle within myself. That whole thing is another topic altogether that might take days, even months to finish.

Anyway, there was a portion in the service where you pair up with someone and you talk and “share”. Basically, what i remember is that my partner asked me what i wanted to pray for. My mind raced for things i ought to pray for… like maybe my obscure relationship with X, or my imminent unemployment… not that i can survive without a job or that the thing with X is going well… but those things just seemed unimportant and small at that time… I prayed for my dad. It was totally unexpected. I asked that God watch over him and take care of him because he is far away and old and alone.

Now the food there is amazing. The dimsum, the siopao, the stir fry, the roast – Amazing! Damn. I’ve never had siopao that good.

everyday, it gets harder and harder to go to work. it gets more difficult to drag myself out of bed and go to this hell hole. i'm only here coz i need to stay. because i can't look for new job just yet. but once i can do that, i'll get the hell out of here. nevermind if i will get some sort of compensation when the account finally closes down. i just really want to get out. it's emotionally draining and tiring. one thing i learned about this, i don't have to be a hero. never wait till the boat has sunk. jump while you can.

bottom of the floor, top of the world

Office
NP: Bottom of the Floor : Dishwalla

I didn’t get to play the Sims last night. I was surprisingly tired and sleepy so I just went to bed. I wasn’t able to make it to my 6am shift because I thought I’ll be able to catch the AM water delivery but I didn’t. argh. Some days just don’t turn up the way you expect them to. Though luck. I meant to meet up with rej so I can give her the piyao she’s been bugging me about. My best friend, R, all of a sudden just turned into a Chinese “charm” nut. Pardon me for the ignorance. I really don’t know what else to call it. Hehehe. Anyway… it turns out she can’t make it tonight and I can tell that she’s not in the mood for much so it’s not going to push through.

I planned to go to the gym today but I can’t coz I need new contacts and I have to get a fan and a mouse for my pretty little notebook PC. There’s just so much to do these days. It’s crazy. But I have to take it one day at a time. I have to remember that I can’t do everything at once. Allocation is key. Hehehe. I’ve done all I can do at work today. So I’m doing this and some other organization in my PC. All the files are screwed up so I still have a lot of work to do. This is bound to get easier once I get a new mouse.

Back to what I was trying to say yesterday…

Darn I think I lost what I was going to say. I was so rudely interrupted by this meeting with our human resources manager about our impending unemployment. Where was I?

Oh, HK. I really love traveling. Not only do you see new things, new places, but you see new people as well. When you talk to them, when you interact with them, you learn something new… What I like most is that you get to immerse yourself in their culture. And somehow, you kinda experience what it’s like to live their life a little bit. Like when you walk the streets at night and do a little shopping, when you eat at their restaurants and taste their food, when you go to their temples and observe while they worship and pray. Or even when you do something as simple as speaking a little bit of their language or riding their train…

I loved going to the Big Buddha. The first thing I thought of when I saw the giant Buddha was my angkong (grandfather). He was a Buddhist and he tried to preserve his faith for as long as he could. Even in his last moments, he refused to be baptized as a catholic, which I really respected. There’s a lot to be said about a man who has such strong beliefs over a faith he hasn’t had the chance to practice for over 60 years or so. As I got closer to Buddha, I asked how my angkong is doing… and wished that he’s fine. I bought the Buddha painting because it reminds me of angkong. Being there in Hk, being in a real temple brought me closer to angkong. I wish I’d gone there with him. He probably had so many things to show us. So many things to teach us.
One of the things I learned about the people there is that they are kind, helpful and very respectful. Although they aren’t as warm as pinoys, they are definitely more respectful and helpful. I will marry a good Chinese guy anytime. Hehehe.

Disneyland was a blast. It was just such a happy place. Every kid wants to go to Disneyland… and the kid in me was just overwhelmed with joy. My brother and I were both beaming and smiling like little kids after the parade. My brother, who rarely speaks about his happiness, suddenly blurted out that he was just happy. And if you looked around, everyone else was just as cheerful. It was amazing. Mr Walt Disney, you are a hero.

Ocean Park was a little bit disappointing. Some areas like the aviary were closed for renovation. I was expecting the rides to be bloodcurdling… but at most they were old, toned down versions of the rides at Enchanted Kingdom. The aquariums were a bigger disappointment. The aquariums were way too crowded for all the animals inside and it was too small, I think the creatures are tired of going around in circles for years. If I were an animal rights activist, I’ll definitely want the place closed down. Which, btw, I think I’m slowly turning into one. First, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to see the dolphin show. I think the dolphins are being abused for human entertainment. They should be freed and returned to the ocean where they can swim and jump and play all they want. Not just the dolphins, every creature there should be free. I don’t see dolphins caging humans for their entertainment, right? I say, set them free. Let the dolphins play!

My battery is dying on me. I gotta charge.

NP: Give : Dishwalla

log book

Apartment
NP: Only Time Will Tell : The Black Crowes

Finally. Welcome to my not so new laptop. I bought this second hand laptop from my cousin (?) alex when we visited him and his family in HongKong. That trip was amazing. Although there were times when I was annoyed as hell, but I didn’t let a small, tiny pest ruin my holiday. I prepared for that trip for a long time.

I don’t know where to start! Okay… so let’s start with the trip. My brother and I flew to hongkong for a week-long holiday. My brother’s primary purpose for going there was to buy his camera equipment while I planned to buy an ipod (which I’m currently charging and listening to right now) and to see donald duck. Well, I got my 160 GB ipod Classic and then some. (more into the other stuff I got later.) I also got to see and hug Donald duck. It’s like a dream come true for me. Disneyland and Donald duck. Hehehe. I’m a bit floozy right now so I might as well get right to it.

Until I think of a more clever and amusing name for this journal, I’ll just call it “log book” for now.

When they say that HK is a shopper’s haven, they weren’t exaggerating. Not one bit. There were just too many stores to see, so many things to buy yet so little time and so little baggage capacity. Originally, when I look at my shopping list (which was ridiculously short), all I intended to buy were the ipod, a pair of nike shoes, a watch, and a bag. Pretty simple and short, right? I ended up buying an ipod, an ipod case, a pair of crocs, a pair of nike 180 trainers, a samsonite backpack, an American Tourister laptop bag, a nike sports duffel bag, 5 paintings, a kookai watch, a nike watch, a nike jacket, an agate bracelet,and a bunch of t-shirts from roxy, h&m and nike.

I was so happy. Shopping is such great therapy. Whether you’re nursing a broken heart, on the verge of unemployment or just plain sad and alone.

O, I forgot, I also got this laptop. All in all, I was happy with the trip. We went to Disneyland, went to ocean park and saw pandas, saw the big Buddha, went to the Peak, saw the harbor bay light show, went to the wax museum, went to macau, got lost in macau, lost it in macau. Hehehe.

One of the nicest parts of the trip was meeting alex and his family. They were all so nice and the kids are adorable. I already met nikki and lauraine and joy here in manila years ago, but I wasn’t really able to spend time with them.

It’s getting kinda late and I think I’ll stop this and start playing the sims. Haha.

NP: Dyer’s Eve : Metallica

oh, harvey!

Harvey Wallbanger. just a glass and you’re laughing your ass off over… nothing. the slightest provocation would send you to a laughing spree for minutes. i had so much fun last night. my friends and i went to another razorback gig and as usual, it was amazing and fun and because of a certain guitarist, mesmerizing. i still can’t stop laughing.

my fly boy

yummy!

maybe may

know what i think? i think it’s about damn time for change.

this morning, when i got to my desk in the office, i looked around and knew: i don’t want to be here anymore. i have to go.

our big boss was transferred to another account and the power hungry herd she left have scampered to their feet and started each their own campaign for “office improvements” before she could even pack her bags. i hate this. i hate them. i hate them more now than i did when all they did was kiss my boss’ big fat ass.

i have to go.

and i will. april. maybe may. i will leave.

i have to.

happy birthday, ma!

miss you

projectile vomiting, space suits and my bare ass.

just how much humiliation are you supposed to take… like maybe in a day? i think i’ve become brazen over years of clumsy mishaps and blunders. but last friday was the day when the heavens decided to test just how shameless i’ve become. and i can say, i was surprised that i was able to pass with, should i say, flying colors?

it started in the morning at the gym. i finally got that sauna suit my trainer kept telling me to wear during workouts. i had two choices, the purple and black set or the silver set which looked like a space suit. The purple and black was cheaper and i love purple, so i got that one. it was way too big for me and i looked ridiculous, but i didn’t care. i just wanted to lose weight and look good in a bikini. i should have cared. coz after just a few laps, my trainer stopped me. he asked where my stuff was and told me that it was enough, because my ass was showing. i didn’t believe him… and the grim realization dawned only after he repeatedly said, “your ass is showing, your ass is showing, your ass is showing”. of course, i quickly pulled my jacket down to cover my bare ass. this gesture was soon followed by laughter from the nearby benches occupied by visiting boxers who were gathered for an important boxing clinic from a world champ. i quickly went to the locker to change and when i went back outside… the laughter was gone and so was my embarrassment.

i kept thinking, is it bad that i no longer feel ashamed for parading my bare ass in front of all those people? i guess their nonchalance after it happened helped me just toss it out the window with poise, i might add. they were, after all, gentlemen about it.

if i was able to dismiss that whole ass baring with poise, i’m afraid i wasn’t able to with the next incident. i failed to mention that i was at the gym for almost 5 hours. and i was so hungry afterwards… and had sinigang… of course. what the hell did i expect? just a few hours later, i was back at the mall for some shopping. i was at the make up booth when i started to feel dizzy. i tried to run to the nearest bathroom, but i didn’t make it. i ended up throwing up four times inside the mall… and once at the doctor’s office.

this was no ordinary throwing up. i was puking all over the place. even places i can’t imagine my vomit can reach. (my utmost apologies to the maintenance staff of sm.)


i didn’t really have much time to feel the humiliation of that incident as the pain in my stomach was just too much. i just felt awful. the doctor’s visit was a blur. mostly i remember projectile vomiting, stomach pains, endoscopy and biopsy and the hospital.

at the end of the day, i was just drained. exhausted. weak and still in pain.

i dreamt of my mom that night. i dreamt that i was saving her, carrying her to safety. but then i lost her. then i woke up writhing in pain.

say “cheese”!

“Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered,
but a maze of passages,
through which we must seek our way,
lost and confused, now and again
checked in a blind alley.


But always, if we have faith,
a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves
would have thought of,
but one that will ultimately
prove good for us"

~ aj cronin

high

~ the speaks

Will it ever be?
I’ve tried so hard to find sweet serenity
Are you still afraid?
Just close your eyes and dream, and feel it fade away.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

It’s taken some time,
And I’ve given up the will to change your state of mind
Try and understand,
It’s not so hard to see that I am just a man.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

Will it ever be?
I’ve tried so hard to find sweet serenity
Try and understand,
It’s not so hard to see that I am just a man.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

i searched the web for the lyrics of this song, curious as to how they would spell out the “ye-he-yehey” part. Most of the lyrics i found ignored it altogether but some transcribed it as “yeah, yeah, yeah” and interestingly enough, one site spelled it as “ye… yey”. as i browsed, i read this comment about the song..

“Forgive and forget…it could be the imperfections of the guy but what hit home is it can be construed in a situation wherein a boyfriend or a husband wandered away from the relationship then finally realized that it is their original girl or wife that they really love and is trying to find ways to ease the pain they have caused.”

i was intrigued. hmm… never really paid attention to the song except for the part where the vocalist says “ye-he-yehey”. the song was playing last night at the gym when i accidentally punched my trainer’s ear. now, after reading the lyrics… i guess it takes on a new meaning.

come to think of it, if led zep can pump me up for a workout. mushy songs can do twice as much. and i mean the really mushy, tacky break up songs, like the ones martin nievera and regine velasquez revive. you know, songs like one last cry and heaven knows. those kind of songs. yesterday, with “hard habit to break” playing in the background, i felt like i had enough energy to punch the daylights out of my trainer for hours. he had to take pain killers to dull the impact of each blow.

that’s why i love working out so much, you can take out your frustrations on a bag filled with sand or on your naughty trainer.

i almost fainted yesterday. i really should try to get more rest. and i should eat something a few hours before working out. i almost fainted just after doing my laps then i remembered that i only had one meal the entire day. it would have been so embarrassing if i did.

i have to come up with something. i barely sleep, even with wine and prescription medicine… i need to rest, but i have to lose weight too. it’s almost time to go to hongkong. and soon, it’ll be time for boracay. i need to power through this. mind over matter. mind over heart.

oh, and today’s the day. moment of truth, I. this is it. moment of truth.

moment of truth, now that’s a workout song. hehe.

missing

~beck, guero

I prayed heaven today
Would bring its hammer down on me
And pound you out of my head
I can't think with you in it

I dragged all that I owned
Down a dirt road to find you
My shoes worn out and used
They can't take me much farther

Something always takes the place
Of missing pieces
You can take and put together even though
You know there's something missing

The sun burned a hole in my roof
I can't seem to fix it
I hope the rain doesn't come
And wash me down the gutter

She rides in a car like a queen on a card
And the guns of her mind aim a line
Straight at mine to a heart that was broke
Tried to feel but got choked in the smoke of
A desert

A beach with no leisure a night that's so blue
Feed the aching in you and the background
Birds take a flight from the earth
Where the bonfire burns and the night
Current turns on a lifeboat floating
Down a river of sleep

I can't see her hollow eyes
I'm walkin along with my boots full of rocks
I can't believe these tears were mine
I'll give them to you to put away in a box

Something always takes the place of
Missing pieces you can take and put
Together even though
You know there's something missing
Something always missing always
Someone missing something

rediscovering beck

i love beck. i just can’t stop listening to guero… it’s just so easy to listen to this album and the more i listen to it, the more it takes a hold on me. while some of the songs prompted me to nod my head and want to dance… some songs made me want to draw the shades in my room, turn of the lights, curl under a warm blanket and… bask in my loneliness instead of hiding it with tears…

that’s what i love about beck. when he’s a slacker… he’s a slacker. when he’s crazy, he’s just crazy. when he’s funky and hip, he’s just really funky and hip. and when he’s sad… he’s so unbelievably sad but still hip and funky. his voice is heavy yet so easy to listen to.

i just love beck.

i did get my hair done. although it didn’t really make much of a difference. i ruined my hair. and it sucks. i can’t wait till i get rid of my rebonded hair. i even checked out some wigs over the weekend. okay. so it’s not so bad. in fact, if you didn’t see my hair before you would say that my hair looks perfectly fine, but it’s not. it’s dry. brittle. and it has a dent where the rebonded hair ends and the untreated hair starts… and i don’t like the color. really. i specifically asked for a darker shade but i got this straw like color and texture. damn.

enough about hair.

i also got that pair of strappy silver sandals. and the pair i got were studded with rhinestones. they look nice and flirty but i they are definitely not made for walking. just a few steps and the straps fall apart. i wish my PC at home is working right. if it were, i’ll post pictures of the sandals and my dress and everything else. even my split ends.

so i attended that wedding. that morning, i had to be at work at 2am and i went to the gym the day before so when i woke up at midnight to get ready for my shift, my body ached all over. especially my arms and legs. i was worried i wont be able to wear my silver sandals because my legs felt like they were ready to just fall apart. but i got through it. mind over matter.

i wore that v-neck black dress i got from plains and prints. again, if my PC is working, i’ll be able to post a picture of the dress. it looked like a big gift. it was black with grey, white and blue trims at the hem. the blue straps cross at the back to make a big bow . i love that dress. it’s simple. and easy. but pretty. not complicated at all. which i hope everything else to be.

the wedding was nice. although it became a tad too sentimental for me towards the end. but it was fun and i guess romantic in some ways. again, it became too romantic for me towards the end. i wish B and C a very happy life together. they looked so cute and happy and right.

i was supposed to go out with some friends from the office after the wedding. but it didn’t push through, which was a good thing, now that i think about it.

i am addicted to boxing. i should have done this years ago.

breathe

i am stressed out. i told myself that one of the things i should change is that i shouldn’t try to do so many things at once. i should try to simplify and allocate time for rest. but that hasn’t been happening. it’s crazy here at work. more emotionally than physically. and it’s exhausting. well. i’m off to find a new pair of strappy silver sandals or maybe get my hair done.

finally i can rest. for now.

the reign of the valkyrie

I guess I can go anywhere I want. If only I knew where to go.
~Layne Staley

this year is the year i travel and spend all my money. not that i have much.

my brother and i are going to hong kong at the end of February. That’s why i’m holding off on looking for a new job for a few months. you should see our itinerary… it’s so packed, you’d think it’s for the amazing race. i’m excited coz i’ve never been to hongkong and my brother prepared a lot of really nice stuff for the trip. we are going to stay there for a week. yup, seven days. i just hope i still have a job when i get back.

by april, my cousins from denmark and some of their friends will be coming here. they are set to go to boracay, bohol, hidden valley, tagaytay and vigan. i told A i probably wont be able to join them the entire trip. i still have to work and i wont have enough money to travel that much. he said it’s ok, as long as i join them at bora, vigan and don’t’ forget his luau themed bday party. of course, i won’t forget that party. i’ve been spending hours at the gym preparing for that.

my friends and i are also going to bora. mid-may, we’re going there. we are going to have a blast. the sun, the sand… the parties, the booze… the bathing suits… i can’t wait.

where to next? i don’t know.

of course, i don't expect to still have a job by may. i just hope i get a new job soon after all these… so i can do it again next year!

spattered apartment

years ago, i can’t remember when, before X and i moved to that apartment on 3rd st, and after we moved out of mang roger’s apartment, we briefly stayed at this apartment on, if i remember right, it was on 9th st. it was a small, dark apartment. the walls weren’t painted and there was no window in the bedroom. during the first few days we stayed there… we had visions of grandeur. X came up with some drawings for the place, we were going to have the place painted and we were going to knock down the bedroom wall.

the owner didn’t allow us to tear the concrete walls down so we just painted the place ourselves instead of hiring someone to paint it. we didn’t finish painting the apartment. some of the walls were spattered with paint strokes going every which way. it looked like an unfinished kindergarten paint project.

then we left. we found a new place, with painted walls, a window and a terrace. we took our bags (some of which were never unpacked) and left. we didn’t even bother with our deposit money. we just left and through the rush, i managed to leave a bag of garbage inside the apartment and locked the keys inside…

for years i’ve feared bumping into our landlady. i was afraid she’ll scream my head off if she sees me. so everytime we saw a dark, heavyset curly haired woman, we’ll panic, thinking it was her. it was never her.

until the other day. i just froze. i knew it was her because she was with her son, who i distinctly remember coz i thought he was gay. i panicked. but i just froze. i knew i should run the other way but i couldn’t. it seemed like my legs were suddenly stapled to the ground and i was paralyzed.

and she just looked past me. no sign of the slightest recognition from either mother or son.

see… it is true. it’s not always as bad as we picture it will be.

the game

love has its limits
~ grey’s anatomy

from now on, i will TRY not to talk about how i feel. no sense trying to analyze my feelings when they don’t matter, right? from now on. i don’t feel anything. i’m a rock. i’m dead inside.

i will divert my time and attention to music. clothes. shoes. bags. vacations. parties and money. superficial stuff. things that don’t really matter to me. but heck, they will matter to me now. even as i type this i know that this is not who i am. but who knows? maybe this is what i should be. being who i am didn’t work. it just made me sad and alone… and defeated. maybe this time, i can just stop caring and win.

i’m exhausted. i don’t want to feel anymore.

bad ass

which came first, music or the misery?
~ high fidelity

J is a bitch. he didn’t show up yesterday. i was so pissed off that his face was neatly plastered on the receiving end of my punches, instead of X, my regular mainstay. half the time, i don’t really understand what he says. i just pretend i do. i guess this was what he was trying to tell me last week, that he can’t make it monday afternoon. i just didn’t get it. or as usual, i wasn’t paying much attention.

don’t think i’ve ever hit anything that hard before. J is a bitch, in the only way guys can be bitches. he better be there tomorrow or there’ll be hell to pay.

know what makes me feel awfully depressed that it feels good? layne staley. that man’s voice just does it for me. my only friend during bleak times. when i’m downtrodden and lonely, he pulls me further down. and man it feels… good. listening to him is the only good thing that comes from all this loneliness.

hey, hey. before i start going all mushy again and forget… i have decided that i am going back to being bad ass.

no more wearing my heart on my sleeve. no more warmth. no more compassion. no more patience. i’m toughing this out. i’ll be ruthless. i’ll be cold as hell.

i can totally do this.

a good fight

What do you do?

so…. there are two guys. let’s call them A and B. You are inlove with A. you want to be with him. you enjoy being with him, you have fun, you make each other laugh and he makes you weak in the knees. there’s chemistry. you have so much in common. and you are in love with him. thing is… he doesn’t talk. he doesn’t like discussing relationship things. you don’t know where the hell you stand. you don’t know if he’s inlove with you or if he likes you or if he’s seeing someone else. you don’t know anything. and it’s been that way for quite some time now and he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to shed some light to the questions you no longer ask because you just end up crying whenever you do.

then there’s B. he wants to marry you. you don’t know that much about him but he’s willing to share everything with you. everything. he’s nice. and he loves you. you know, somehow, that he’ll be a great father to your kids. but you don’t feel anything for him. you are not attracted to him… and you don’t really know that much about him… and somehow you know that you won’t feel much for him even after you get to know him. he doesn’t excite you. but he can give you everything you’ve ever wanted. and then some. love, security, a family, houses, cars, kids…. the whole package. you know that you and your future kids will be well taken care of. he can give you everything you’ve ever wanted… except that he's not who you want... he’s not A. and you're not inlove with him...

what would you do? what would you do?

Go.

coz i don’t know what i should know

“I'll get a pen and make a list
And give you my analysis
But I can't write this story
With a happy ending
Was I the bullet or the gun
Or just a target drawn upon
A wall that you decided
Wasn't worth defending?”

~ aimee mann
The Forgotten Arm


maybe that’s why we’re still here.

or maybe not. maybe he really left years ago and i still couldn’t. maybe. who knows. no one knows coz no one speaks. and i wont be the one to do it this time. i’m done talking. i’m done wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time.

it’s my turn to be the cold, indifferent bitch.

besides… i have faith i’ll have something like that again. i know it’s a long shot to ask for something twice when some people don’t even get it once. but i have to have faith that it’ll happen. maybe it’ll be even better. and who knows? maybe it’ll still be him.

it’s a long shot. i know.

moondance

pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. - dag hammarskjold

i was casually hanging out with my friends, having coffee when my “out-there-looking-for-new-cheese” world fell apart. you know one of those moments when a great realization dawns upon you, when the answer to the puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for a long time suddenly falls on your lap like a warm blanket in a cold night, or a warm bath after a long day?

And then it just craps all over your face. suddenly, your tiny little world falls apart. you start to feel dizzy as everything around you spins out of control. you breathe deeper and you hold on to your seat, hoping to suppress the nausea. you get that heavy feeling and you think the only way to feel lighter is by hurling everything you ate the past week. nothing feels real. or right.

something wrong? your friends ask.

now, where do you begin?

so you’re out there… confident. sure about your decision. it was time to go out there for new cheese. then shit happens. (excuse my language, hehe)

when we’re not talking about make up, clothes and shoes, we talk about work, and when we’re not talking about the disappointments in our workplace, we talk about our disappointments in men.

i’d like to think of myself as someone who has a pretty realistic view on love and relationships. but i don’t know what cave i was living in the past couple of years because i just realized that many people actually don’t get married to someone they love. it was like a punch on the face when reality sunk in and i found out that many people marry out of comfort and security and some marry just because they really just want to settle down. they look for someone to settle with, not necessarily someone they love. isn’t that sad?

no one else seemed surprise. i really can’t imagine spending my life and raising a family with someone i just like. i couldn’t understand how they can’t see my point when i said i just can’t see myself spending my whole life with someone i can’t talk to. someone who i can’t laugh and joke around with. someone i can’t spend those quiet little moments. “not everyone finds their soul mate”, they told me. not everyone ends up with their best friend, not everyone ends up with the love of their life. some are just afraid to be alone and they marry the closest person willing to take that move with them. many people just settle. that’s why it’s called settling down. in fact not everyone gets what you and X had. not everyone falls in love the way you and X did. some live and die without being in a truly loving and happy relationship.

now why would she say that? how will reminding me how good the relationship was help me move on?

there comes a time in a person’s life when they just want to lead a peaceful, meaningful life and raise a family. it’s human nature. the lucky ones get to raise that family with their one true love, the one they truly are happy with. the rest settles for the closest match.

well, that’s just sad, no… that’s just reality. well, reality sucks.

what kind of life would it be when security and companionship is more important than happiness? how could you spend the rest of your life with someone you barely know? how could you marry someone and hope to learn to love that person afterwards? what if you don’t?

“it’s so easy to give up on someone you don't love. maybe that’s why two years after you guys broke up, you and X are still where you are right now. “

i didn’t tell them that i haven’t talked to X for days. and he hasn’t tried to reach me since. that sinking feeling that draws all your strength settled in my stomach and i felt like crying hysterically. did i just lose my soul mate? my best friend? the person i’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with? my perfect match?

yeah. what we had was special. it was beautiful. it felt right. it felt good. we even referred to the early times we spent together as magic. but what is magic, anyway? it’s nothing but an illusion. an illusion not many people get to experience, it turns out.

but we took all that for granted and now he’s no longer here. he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. he’s not in-love with me anymore. what the hell am i supposed to do? i did what i should do.. which is to let him go.

yes, we were a good match, we were best friends, we were that one true thing, the perfect fit, it was comfortable yet passionate. mature but fun. of course, there were a lot of tears and disappointments and pain, but there was so much more fun. there was so much laughter. so much happiness. so much joy. so much love.

always love.

now i finally see what X meant when he said that we were lucky to have found each other.

he was right. we were lucky.

so damn.

float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

i should have known. boxing is a dance. and i’m not good at dancing at all. i am the most uncoordinated person i know. i shouldn’t even take this seriously because i don’t plan to join tournaments and go all “rocky” anytime soon… but since i’m doing this and i enjoy boxing, i want to be good at it.

Ah who cares, at least now, i know i can throw a mean punch. i may not float like a butterfly, but hell, i can sting like a bee.

my tornado is resting

i went to the spa yesterday. i figured i needed to take on a new perspective in my life and maybe just sort things out a little. my life has been one small clutter after another and i needed to straighten things out. and yes, i needed to go to the spa to figure things out.

i realized that, at a glance, my life is just a series of ways to spend my hard earned money. ok, ok, not hard earned, just my money. i looked at my checklists, my to do lists, etc. and i realized that i don’t really have any goals or plans. all i had were things to buy and errands to run and places to see. take out the trash. get that pair of black pumps. see led zep thingy at the galleria. get new foo fighters cd. buy memory card for PC. get DSL. go to hongkong. get an ipod. get a new watch. and then what? lose weight. go to boracay. then go to vigan. then what? go back to boracay.

then what?

i don’t know… save money and think of other ways to spend that money? i should be ashamed at how shallow my life is. no depth. no meaning. just shit.

how the hell did i end up here?

i can’t see a future. not even a checklist for my future. darn. maybe i don’t have one.

when you’re with someone who you believed will share the rest of his life with you, it’s so easy to see a future. a car. a house. a wedding. a husband. kids. a family. a home. happiness… i can go on and on…

but when all you have is a fat teddy bear, it’s hard to see anything. hard to see beyond that trip, beyond that ipod, beyond that watch… beyond all the shallow shit that is my life.

all i see is a whir of nothing. like the visualizations when you play music using your windows media player. a sea of a spinning, spiraling nothing.

maybe i should just jump off a cliff or something. how the hell did i get here?

i am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection

other things i learned recently:

i learned that playing led zep while you work out will keep you going till your arms and legs fall off. and looking at pictures of other people running while you’re on the track doesn’t motivate anyone at all.

i learned that tall guys don’t go to the gym. they say one way to meet new guys is by joining a gym. i didn’t take up boxing to meet new guys. i just really wanted an outlet for my aggression and to lose all the weight i gained by taking my “yes i’m over you, i’ve recovered and moved on” aggression on food and sleep. but you just can’t help but wonder… why are they all short and stocky? well… who cares? i’m just glad they don’t smell like armpits.

e m p t y

things i learned recently:

i learned that at 5am led zep is too early while madonna is just right. but at 6pm, crazy for you is just too damn early. and sober, i might add.

i learned that seeing a child’s lifeless body at the side of the highway after a horrendous accident alters the way one feels about a highway, the sound of screeching tires and even the sound of a vehicle horn.

i learned this morning that i'm still scared shit of sleeping through a typhoon, the sound of rain slapping against my tin roof.

and i learned that i have to see fight club every 3 months to keep my head off the freaking clouds.

Narrator: [as he holds a gun to his mouth] Do something for me.
Tyler Durden: What?
Narrator: Appreciate something.
Tyler Durden: What?
Narrator: Look at me...
Tyler Durden: What?
Narrator: My eyes are open.

how?

“It looks like rain again today, dark clouds gather, fill the sky. Don’t know how to talk to you, just know how to say goodbye.”

~ children see

end of an anchor

this old wound
~ dashboard confessional

Well I've been bleeding well from this old wound,
Cleaning it with salt so it will still feel new.
Sometimes eyes turn black,
And sometimes scars are tracks.
But everytime you're gone i wish that you'd come back.
And everyone watched me waste myself,
Everyone cheered at last.
All of them found it comforting,
It's better it's me..than them.
I think I’m doing well from what they say,
They’ve taken both my belt and shoelaces away.
Well I believe in luck,
I think I do.
Well I believe for sure
If ever I saw you.
I’ve been fanning flames from these old coals,
Feeding them with tender,
And hoping they will grow.
And I’ve been savoring
What I can’t hold,
A blind belief in goodness
That doesn’t seem to show.
I’ve been bleeding well,
From this old wound.
Cleaning it with salt,
So it will still feel new..

unforgiven

the last bus.
the last train.
the last day of the year.
and that sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that said something was over.
last goodbye.
only, no goodbyes were said. but the air was heavy with a somewhat unexpected and unspoken conclusion.

reason to believe

there's nothing left to feed on.
My body needs a reason to cross that line.
Will you carry me there one more time?

- reason to believe, dashboard confessional
dusk and summer

wish.

they said be careful what you wish for, it just might come true. this year, i wished for a quiet, peaceful Christmas. devoid of all the drama that filled last year’s Christmas and devoid of all the surprises and joy of the years before that.

i wished for a quiet, peaceful Christmas. maybe i should have wished for a quiet Christmas with a little nice surprise and a little love instead. in fact, it was so quiet and uneventful, it left me shocked, dumbfounded and wondering. what the hell happened? nothing. which was what i wished for.

i guess i secretly wanted something to happen. something nice. something small.

if he took my hand and held it for like 5 seconds, i would be the happiest 28 year old kid.

but he didn’t. and i am left wondering, confused and sad... so sad that i am tempted to throw everything away... do i want to? i don't know. but i'm willing to do anything just to stop feeling this way.

so why don't i?

a set of two notes...

Dyad
~ dongabay

1
sa puso at damdamin hindi ka maglalaho
lagi kang iisipin kahit nasa malayo
wag sanang kalimutan kapag ako'y wala na
na nagkasama minsan sa hirap at ginhawa

2
ako ay nangangarap na lagi kang makita
alam ko na mahirap mag-antay ng pag-asa
makinig ka sana sa sasabihin ko
ikaw ang alaala na maganda ang mundo

chorus
para para para para para para sa iyo itong kantang ito
sana sana sana sana sana sana makarating pa ako sa iyo

para para para para para sa iyo

3
ako ay nangangarap na lagi kang makita
alam ko na mahirap mag-antay ng pag-asa
makinig ka sana sa sasabihin ko
ikaw ang alaala na masaya ang mundo

castles, fairies and tales...

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away. ~ grey's anatomy

i'm already there.

within and without
sooner or later the ending begins
just then it can be said that all things are new again
within and without
sooner or later every season ends
then forever it can be said that all things are new again.
~ the wallflowers
all things new again


until when does he think i’ll actually wait in the dark for answers?

how many more times does he think the invitations have to be turned down before i decide that it’s enough? that i have had enough?

does he think i still have a lot to give? does he think i still have a lot inside me? i am clinging on a thin rope. running on almost nothing.

i’m afraid…
i think…
i’m done here.
over.
and out.

finally.

the beautiful side of somewhere

~ the wallflowers

Now tomorrow is gonna make you cry
It's gonna make you kneel
Before it breaks you from inside
Still pressing on arm over arm
Still trying to get both feet back onto the ground
They are harvesting these fields in autumn
We're different now than when we started

I am ready to wake up
There in the exodus
On the beautiful side of somewhere baby

There on the pavement underneath the yellow moon
I think of you and just how easily we bruise
The folded address in my pocket I have stuffed
Trying to believe for you that the bottom didn't drop
I am on the platform covered with dust
I pray they take the both of us

I am ready to wake up
There in the exodus
On the beautiful side of somewhere baby

I am ready to come down
To see us both somehow
On the beautiful side of somewhere someday

Well I am lightning matches for the rescue
Some are candles some are fuses
I've been on my best behavior
Switching over every breaker
As we're going through these laws of nature
Disregarding every acre
I'm lying in my Sunday best
Assuming this was not a test

I am ready to wake up
There in the exodus
On the beautiful side of somewhere baby

I am ready to come down
To see us both somehow
On the beautiful side of somewhere someday

shuttered and dank

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”

~ buffy the vampire slayer

botany and my black wedding gown

i’m not saying that i didn’t miss x at all. in fact, i did. but i was fine. i think one part of me thinks i am better off without him. because without him, i can move on. and i know i can do this. i can just leave everything and i'll be fine. i can look at my future and live my life now without conveniently making room for him and awaiting his return. i think i should know by now that i’m not part of his future plans, hence, he doesn’t plan to come back anytime soon. so i should just walk away. that’s the smartest thing to do.

but see, he never makes plans. that’s just how he is. he doesn’t make plans.

yesterday, i tended to my new garden. actually, only one plant survived the move. it was, of course, my forget me not. now i feel bad. see, if i didn’t leave the other one, there’s a good chance it’ll still be alive.

one part of me thinks that maybe if i don’t leave, what little we have will thrive. and stay alive.

one part asks me if i want something that’s alive, but is barely getting by.

well, at least it’s still there.

what will you do with something that’s there, but doesn’t work?

if i stay, there’s a chance it’ll flourish and bloom into something.

i eradicate that chance if i leave. but i also allow something else to thrive, something potentially more beautiful, more worthwhile.

the other night, i dreamt that it was the morning of my wedding day. i was at the empty church, my shoes made a clucking noise as i walked through the shinny wooden floor. and i realized that this is my wedding day. this afternoon, i’ll be married to a guy who’s name and face i can’t remember and all i could think about is how to make things ok with X.

then i panicked, cried histerically, complained about everything, threw a hissy fit and scampered for excuses not to push through with the wedding. i couldn’t go through with it.

i can’t let that happen. at least, not for now.

sacred rain

the water works hasn’t come yet.

where are you, my only comfort amidst all things unsaid, undone and unanswered?

if you need anything

you know where to find me.

on the mend
`foo fighters

One more day that I've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We're tethered once again

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Who said hello
Here we go
Close your eyes and stay a while
But take me where you go
Single file we walk the mile wandering back home

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Who said hello
Here we go...

guilty?

the unavailability of gold paint last night drove me to ditch my plan to make a king tut death mask for the masquerade ball. so i decided to indulge in a few of my favorite guilty pleasures among other things.

right after i got my 3 liters of chilled red from the liquor store, i bumped into my one of my aunts. my desperate attempt to conceal the wine only drew attention to the translucent plastic bag containing the wine.

next stop was the cake. there were no more hazelnut cupcakes left so i bought cream puffs and éclairs. as i left the supermarket carrying a box of French desserts and wine, i bumped into my brother who eyed the packages i was carrying.

depressed?

i spent the good part of the night downing French pastries with red wine while i fast forwarded to JD’s juicy scenes in VM.

the bad part of the night was… ahhhh. why go there?

i have a good thing going here…

tragedy or comedy?

rise above this mess

hold my hand. you’ve got to hold my hand.

if in your heart, you genuinely do not want to hurt me, then hold my hand.
if your silence are not lies, then hold my hand.
if you really want me to trust you, then hold my hand.
if you truly want me to stay, just hold my hand.
if you can’t say it out loud, just hold my hand.

and i won’t turn away.

no questions asked.

but you’ve got to hold my hand.

if you can’t, then i can’t.
it’s not an ultimatum.
it’s just that i’m losing my grip and i need to hold on to something.

just hold my hand, X. i need you to.


i should stop writing these letters that i never send out and instead post on my blog. hehehe. okay i’ll try to make this the last. i know i can’t send this to X. i don’t want to. me talking to him about this wont solve anything. it’s all obvious and pointless, if you ask me.

i think his lack of interest and concern over my behavior the past few days answered all the questions i couldn’t ask.

time to move on, eh?

yep. time to move on to brighter, less sad and gloomy things.

story of my life. forward always forward…

'cause i wanna run with you

With a little love, and some tenderness
Well walk upon the water
Well rise above this mess
With a little peace, and some harmony
Well take the world together
Well take em by the hand

cause Ive got a hand for you
cause I wanna run with you

Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Your head was down, your eyes were red
No comb had touched your hair
I said get up, and let me see you smile
Well take a walk together
Walk the road awhile, cause

cause Ive got a hand for you
Ive got a hand for you
cause I wanna run with you
Wont you let me run with you? yeah

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
Ill take you to a place where you can be
Hold my hand
Anything you wanna be because
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

See I was wasted, and I was wasting time
till I thought about your problems, I thought about your crimes
Then I stood up, and then I screamed aloud
I dont wanna be part of your problems
Dont wanna be part of your crowd, no

cause Ive got a hand for you
Ive got a hand for you
cause I wanna run with you
Ah, wont you let me run with you?

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
Ill take you to the promised land
Hold my hand
Maybe we cant change the world but
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can, yeah

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
Ill take you to a place where you can be
Anything you wanna be because
Ill take you to the promised land
Hold my hand
Maybe we cant change the world butI wanna love you the best that, best that I can
Oh, the best that I can

my chemical weekend

my weekend was spent lying in bed woozy from chemicals. that about sums up my much awaited weekend which flew by like that last cigarette you had.

C backed up my decision. he said it’s for the better. he told me it’ll give me time to think and analyze what my intentions are.

saturday afternoon i knew i’m going to be sick so soon as i got home from my 12 hour shift, i took all the medicines i knew i needed. I had big plans for sunday, you see. it was Y’s bday and i knew we were going out and there were a couple of boxes i had to sort out in my new apartment. anyway, sunday morning i woke up still woozy and almost deaf from all the medicines i took the night before.

i know my intentions are selfish… so, he said, this was the time to look into myself and really analyze why i want the things i want.

the guy from the anti-anay company has been waiting at my doorstep for hours, he said. still a bit confused, i let him in and let him spray chemicals in the apt. He said it wasn’t harmful and i can stay indoors while i let the chemical dry out then i can re-arrange my furniture back.

i asked C until when do i do this. until the time is right, he said. and when is that?

still not fully understanding the situation, i took a shower after he left hoping to wake myself up a little. but, i decided to clean the bathroom with those harmful when inhaled cleaning agents. i felt dizzy while i scrubbed my tiles, but i didn’t stop until my chest ached. the fumes from the bathroom chemicals and the anti anay solution brought me to bed for more than 18 hours.

he said i have to do this until i stop caring if he texts or not, if i see him or not, if he’s in my life or not. i secretly doubted this will ever end.

i lay in bed and didn’t get up until the next day. and woke up writhing in pain. i don’t remember, but i don’t think i go to eat the day before.

why am i doing this again? i forgot. C said i’m doing this for myself, to finally have something for myself. that i am still in control of my own life, that i can win this.

nothing could have made me felt worse. i was thinking of calling my aunt to take me to the hospital.

win? i didn’t know this was a contest where someone has to win and someone has to lose.

despite the unbelievable pain in my stomach, i managed to make soup and ate. i took more medicines and fell asleep.

why am i doing this again? i keep forgetting. one part of me wants to just talk to him, as if everything’s fine, pretend that it’s ok… and that i’m willing to go where he takes me.

i was feeling a little better so i decided to clean my apartment and apply floor wax to my bedroom floor which drove me back to the bathroom to throw up.

i want to go to baguio with him and his family. i know it’ll probably not push through but i want to be there for that small possibility that it will.

i went back to bed and wondered what the hell i’m doing. i felt so bad. in every way a person can feel bad. i wanted to cry. but i think there’s finally nothing left.

i want to spend Christmas with him, although i know he might not care to spend it with me, i want to be there for that small chance that he might.

now, i’m back to work. i still feel like throwing up but i feel better. good thing i didn’t try to install the speakers. i could be in my pink apartment right now, bleeding to death. is it bad that i find that thought comforting?

but one part of me is terrified that there’s nothing waiting there for me but more lies and more pain.

it’s 2 hours past the end of my shift and just as i’m ready to wrap this up… it pours outside and i don’t have an umbrella or a jacket.

just so you know, the worst lies are the ones you don’t say out loud.

C said i just need a break… something to hold on to… something to keep me going…

i think i can start heading home now.

he said life can surprise us sometimes.

just to find you.

what if i do?
~ foo fighters

Back and forth that voice of yours keeps me up at night
Help me search to find the words that eat you up inside
I go side to side like the wildest tides in your hurricane
And I only hide what is on my mind because I can't explain

What if I do love
What if I don't?
I'd have to lose everything just to find you
What if I do love
What if I don't
I'd have to lose everything just to find you

It's my turn this solo burn so throw me in the fire
Trophies earned and lessons learned, my wicked little lies
We can pave new roads with the cold creed stones, wind them through the pines
Should I stay or should I go alone? I cannot decide

What if I do love
What if I don't?
I'd have to lose everything just to find you
What if I do love
What if I don't
I'd have to lose everything just to find you

ballad for me...

How come, how long
Its not right, its so wrong

Do we let it just go on

Turn our backs and carry on

Wake up, for its too late

Right now, we cant wait

She wont have a second try

Open up your hearts

As well as your eyes

~ how come, how long

babyface

i get it.

i get it. i get it. i get it.

i know what i should do. i know what’s good for me. i know i can do it. but i don’t want to. i just don’t want to.

but you leave me with no other option.

keep in mind that i don’t want to do this. i never wanted to do this. and i have done everything i can to avoid doing this. but i have to.

and God knows i will miss you. i will miss everything. but i cant keep missing you.

i don’t want to do this. but you force me to.

what do i miss?

i miss everything. every little thing. every tiny bit. everything.

but i’m tired of missing things...

i’m so sorry. i can’t do this anymore.
and in case you don’t know, you are not helping to make things better.

i’m just not built this way. i thought i can do this. and i tried, God knows i tried… for more than a year now, i've been trying... and i can't go on anymore. not like this.

you have to understand... i can't second guess my whole life.

i have to leave now. because it hurts so much to stay and wait and be fooled. over and over again.

you never tell me anything. you never let me in.

pretty in pink

you know what they always say, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” so, if life gives you a pink apartment, are you supposed to buy tacky pink furniture?

some blessings just really come in the weirdest packages. i don’t blame my aunt, in fact, she doesn’t even have to explain. i know. i understand. it’s kinda funny, in some ways. of course, she’ll have that apartment painted pink. she’s always wanted a pink room but she was blessed with three boys and well… me, her almost orphaned 28 year old niece, who after so many years, finally asked for her help. so, naturally, she went out of her way to have the place painted pink. never mind that i’m no longer 15 years old. never mind that i don’t particularly like pink, never mind that the apartment is orange on the outside… and now pink on the inside.

i am not complaining. she’s taken care of everything, all i had to do, really, was show up. i could have tried to speak up and risked hurting her feelings… but she will be devastated. she was expecting me to fall in love with the paint job. first, i ask for her help and now i’m speaking up??? whew. one step at a time, I. one step at a time.

who cares if i have pink walls, peach doors and dark brown trims? i do. i had it all planned, modern but homey… i had a color scheme in my head… soft blues, cool but not cold, sweet but not tacky…

but… well, maybe living in a pink apartment for a few months wont hurt. but if i go crazy, you know what to blame.

all in a night's tossing and turning...

As usual, I couldn’t sleep last night. I knew I had to get up at 11pm for my 1am shift, which made it harder for me to sleep. It was I think around 9:30 when sleep finally came. And in the hours before that, amidst all the tossing and turning, these thoughts were running through my head…

A couple of days ago I had the worst dream ever. I can’t tell you because it hurts too much to remember… and I’m terrified that it’s true. I’m so scared that it’s true because I don’t think I can bear any more pain than what I feel right now. I know I just can’t.

I know I can’t coz it’ll mean that it’ll be over forever. And he doesn’t make it easy by letting me know what’s going on. I don’t understand why he likes hurting me. i don’t know why he won’t just tell me the truth and cut me off my misery. How can he be so mean?

I can’t go on like this anymore. I know I can’t.

Then…

“what do you take the pills for?”
“eh… you know… life.”

Sometimes, life is so overwhelming. Sometimes, it’s just too much and you can’t breathe, you can’t sleep, and most of the time, you just wish you were dead.

A few minutes later…

Excuses/abuses

- no signal
- no load
- low battery
- fell asleep

and now, keypad not working.

I know that I have a choice. I can choose not to be around to hear the next abuse.

I mean, excuse.

And then…

I think I know where this is going. Heck, I’ve known where this is going for… let’s see… maybe a year… and yet…

I tell myself that I’m strong and I can do this. and by doing this, I’m proving that in the end, love will prevail… but really, who the hell am I kidding?

And who the hell is he kidding? Really? You tell me, will a short text message a day hinder him from enjoying his fucking team building? Will the few seconds he spends sending that message take away so much bliss, happiness and joy from that fucking team building. I Don’t Think So.

See, I’m trying really really hard to understand… to see things from his perspective. But I can’t. I’ve been on trips before; outings with my friends, vacations, drinking sprees, beach parties, night outs, etc… I’ve been there… and for some strange reason, I still manage to send a text message or two. And my friends did not seem to have a problem on that area either. And as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t take away any type of bliss from anyone, nor did it ruin anyone’s day. So, I’m just wondering… what the hell?

You tell me.

what the hell?

Well, of course, it turns out that I didn’t have to get up at 11:00 because the meeting was postponed. Found out around 12:30.

What? All that tossing and turning for nothing?

Someone just please shoot me in the head. And please,

make it good.

poker

I’ll be here, if you need anything. But you never need anything.

-logan

i want a guy who likes to beat the crap out of a guy who happens to look at me the wrong way. I want a guy who takes pleasure in hitting someone, well, as long as it’s not me. I want a guy who likes taking care of me. Someone who dominates a relationship. Tall, strong, someone who takes charge. Someone who doesn’t sit and wait in the sidelines. Someone who thinks I am an important part of his life, and finds urgency in being with me.

But that’s just what I want.

In reality, I’m in love with the biggest gutless jerk who can’t even dominate a cat if his life depended on it. I’m in love with a defensive commitment phobic; a pacifist who likes finding fault in me and refuses to see the good. I’m in love with a selfish ass who doesn’t take risks; who keeps me around coz he’s scared he’ll lose me forever. And doesn’t even exert effort to know if he wants to keep me forever or not.

so, why am laying all my cards and blindly going all out for his moron? Because at the end of the day, all I need is the love he gave. It’s all I need for another day…

aint life grand?

And I know, I watch too much tv.

epic

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic!
Logan: But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over.
Veronica: Logan...
Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...
Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

i’m going all out. Giving this everything i’ve got. Everything. This has to stop one way or another. Even epic stories have an ending. Even the grandest of love songs have to end some time... right?

you'd better

i don’t know if it’s the series of events, the time of the month or just generally my life that’s been driving me towards the deep end of this ocean of sadness. Haha. Sadness… it’s not even that, I think. I guess it’s more the lack of energy and drive and reason to be glad.

I want to sleep… and rest… and spend an entire day having ice cream with the shades drawn and these two songs faintly playing in the background...

only you
~ Joshua Radin

Looking from the window above
It's like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday
Who went further away
Want you near me

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Sometimes when I think of her name
When it's only a game
And I need you
Listen to the words that you say
It's getting harder to stay
When I need you

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

This is gonna take a long time
And I wonder what's mine
Can't take no more
Wonder if you'll understand
It's just the touch of your hand
Behind a closed door

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

i found a reason
~Cat Powers

Oh I do believe

In all the things you say

What comes is better than what came before

And youd better come come, come come to me

Better come come, come come to me

Better run, run run, run run to me

Better come

Oh I do believe

In all the things you say

What comes is better that what came before

And youd better run run, run run to me

Better run, run run, run run to me

Better come, come come, come come to me

Youd better run

it's not you, it's me.

so I’ll just stop trying.

Maybe I should just stop trying. Stop trying to make sense of something that doesn’t. stop trying to understand things that aren’t. stop making excuses for lies thrown at me. Stop trying to catch up with things don’t want to be caught. Just stop trying.

And maybe, hopefully, I’ll learn to stop loving people who don’t want my love.

which i just recently realized, isn't really that good anyway.

movin' up

Finally, I found a new place. I’m moving out mid September. New home, new life. I hope.

Of course I’m scared… that dismal feeling at the pit of your stomach when something unpleasant will happen. I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I’m just afraid that this move will not be that big of a step. Something at the back of my head tells me that my other foot might still be in… or that I’ve only stepped on the line, not beyond.

I don’t know why I feel the need to get out of that comfort zone so much, maybe because I badly need this change. Btw, this comfort zone that I held on for too long, wasn’t even that comfortable.

The mommy chub died yesterday. And I cried for hours. And hours. of course, it was my fault she died. It’s my fault the baby chubs won’t have a mom and the daddy chub will be so sad, he’ll probably want to die now, too.

It’s me, I know. I don’t know how to take care of them. I don’t know how to take are of things and people and animals I love. I couldn’t get a spineless twat to stay and I’ve lost count of all the chubs and dolphins I’ve lost. And if jingoy could leave or kill herself, she probably would have done that by now. I just don’t know how to do this. I just don’t know the right way to love.

p r a y e r

~God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr ~


“There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don’t want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature… Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us… Because so many of us are cowardly and afraid to stand up for what is right… Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice… The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no.” - Desperate Housewives

more than all the world

Normal day,
Let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you,
Bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by
In quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may,
For it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,
Or bury my face in the pillow,
Or stretch myself taut
Or raise my hands to the sky
And want more than all the world,
Your return.

~Mary Jean Iron

wake up, it's time

I remember that huge earthquake we had in 1990, it was july 16… I was sitting on my bed when my 11 year old world shook. i thought chico, my half german shepherd-half dobber man puppy, was underneath the bed, shaking it. but when I looked up, I saw the walls sway and everthing else move… so I ran outside.

My mom and my nanny where running around looking for me when I sat on the swing and pushed myself as hard as I could. I thought the pavement would open up and swallow me and my mom and our house. I was so scared I didn’t want to get off the swing until the earthquake stopped. I didn’t want to feel the earthquake that would swallow everything I loved.

I guess this time I have to step out of the swing, huh? At least that’s what A told me. I haven’t seen him in a long time. God I miss him, I miss how he took care of me… just took care of me, selflessly. We talked about life… not relationships and all that crap… we talked about life… my life… what my plans are. before I talked to him, I was just a mess… my plans were a mangle of half meant strategies, half meant intentions, half meant goals. Now, i guess it’s a bit clearer… I guess, at least now, I can trace a path amidst all the lines.

I don’t expect things to be easy… but I’m looking forward to this. Time to get out of my comfort zone and step into the unknown… I just hope that in the process, I don’t loose sight of who I am and what’s really important in my life.

Skin and bones is one of the nicest albums I’ve heard in a long time. Damn you, dave grohl.

sweet and divine

Razor

by Foo Fighters
album: In Your Honor (2005), Skin and Bones (2006)

Wake up, it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know, I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine, razor of mine
Sweet and divine, razor blade shine

Patience, my dear,
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time,
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye

Sweet and divine, razor of mine
Sweet and divine, razor blade shine

Day after day, cuttin' away
Day after day, but anyway

Wake up, it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Wake up your mind
I need to know, I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine, razor of mine
Sweet and divine, razor blade shine.

your heart is my piñata…

I like looking out of vehicle windows when it rains. I see the outside world as a vague and wounded object, full of scars and tears from the wind and the rain.

I like looking out of vehicle windows when it rains, because there I see a world where I can ask the questions I’m not allowed to ask; I can say words I am not allowed to say; I can cry tears I’m not allowed to cry; and I can feel the pain I have no right to feel.

They say you’ll only know your limit once you get there. Something tells me I am thisclose to being broken beyond repair.