guilty?

the unavailability of gold paint last night drove me to ditch my plan to make a king tut death mask for the masquerade ball. so i decided to indulge in a few of my favorite guilty pleasures among other things.

right after i got my 3 liters of chilled red from the liquor store, i bumped into my one of my aunts. my desperate attempt to conceal the wine only drew attention to the translucent plastic bag containing the wine.

next stop was the cake. there were no more hazelnut cupcakes left so i bought cream puffs and éclairs. as i left the supermarket carrying a box of French desserts and wine, i bumped into my brother who eyed the packages i was carrying.

depressed?

i spent the good part of the night downing French pastries with red wine while i fast forwarded to JD’s juicy scenes in VM.

the bad part of the night was… ahhhh. why go there?

i have a good thing going here…

tragedy or comedy?

rise above this mess

hold my hand. you’ve got to hold my hand.

if in your heart, you genuinely do not want to hurt me, then hold my hand.
if your silence are not lies, then hold my hand.
if you really want me to trust you, then hold my hand.
if you truly want me to stay, just hold my hand.
if you can’t say it out loud, just hold my hand.

and i won’t turn away.

no questions asked.

but you’ve got to hold my hand.

if you can’t, then i can’t.
it’s not an ultimatum.
it’s just that i’m losing my grip and i need to hold on to something.

just hold my hand, X. i need you to.


i should stop writing these letters that i never send out and instead post on my blog. hehehe. okay i’ll try to make this the last. i know i can’t send this to X. i don’t want to. me talking to him about this wont solve anything. it’s all obvious and pointless, if you ask me.

i think his lack of interest and concern over my behavior the past few days answered all the questions i couldn’t ask.

time to move on, eh?

yep. time to move on to brighter, less sad and gloomy things.

story of my life. forward always forward…

'cause i wanna run with you

With a little love, and some tenderness
Well walk upon the water
Well rise above this mess
With a little peace, and some harmony
Well take the world together
Well take em by the hand

cause Ive got a hand for you
cause I wanna run with you

Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Your head was down, your eyes were red
No comb had touched your hair
I said get up, and let me see you smile
Well take a walk together
Walk the road awhile, cause

cause Ive got a hand for you
Ive got a hand for you
cause I wanna run with you
Wont you let me run with you? yeah

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
Ill take you to a place where you can be
Hold my hand
Anything you wanna be because
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

See I was wasted, and I was wasting time
till I thought about your problems, I thought about your crimes
Then I stood up, and then I screamed aloud
I dont wanna be part of your problems
Dont wanna be part of your crowd, no

cause Ive got a hand for you
Ive got a hand for you
cause I wanna run with you
Ah, wont you let me run with you?

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
Ill take you to the promised land
Hold my hand
Maybe we cant change the world but
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can, yeah

Hold my hand
Want you to hold my hand
Hold my hand
Ill take you to a place where you can be
Anything you wanna be because
Ill take you to the promised land
Hold my hand
Maybe we cant change the world butI wanna love you the best that, best that I can
Oh, the best that I can

my chemical weekend

my weekend was spent lying in bed woozy from chemicals. that about sums up my much awaited weekend which flew by like that last cigarette you had.

C backed up my decision. he said it’s for the better. he told me it’ll give me time to think and analyze what my intentions are.

saturday afternoon i knew i’m going to be sick so soon as i got home from my 12 hour shift, i took all the medicines i knew i needed. I had big plans for sunday, you see. it was Y’s bday and i knew we were going out and there were a couple of boxes i had to sort out in my new apartment. anyway, sunday morning i woke up still woozy and almost deaf from all the medicines i took the night before.

i know my intentions are selfish… so, he said, this was the time to look into myself and really analyze why i want the things i want.

the guy from the anti-anay company has been waiting at my doorstep for hours, he said. still a bit confused, i let him in and let him spray chemicals in the apt. He said it wasn’t harmful and i can stay indoors while i let the chemical dry out then i can re-arrange my furniture back.

i asked C until when do i do this. until the time is right, he said. and when is that?

still not fully understanding the situation, i took a shower after he left hoping to wake myself up a little. but, i decided to clean the bathroom with those harmful when inhaled cleaning agents. i felt dizzy while i scrubbed my tiles, but i didn’t stop until my chest ached. the fumes from the bathroom chemicals and the anti anay solution brought me to bed for more than 18 hours.

he said i have to do this until i stop caring if he texts or not, if i see him or not, if he’s in my life or not. i secretly doubted this will ever end.

i lay in bed and didn’t get up until the next day. and woke up writhing in pain. i don’t remember, but i don’t think i go to eat the day before.

why am i doing this again? i forgot. C said i’m doing this for myself, to finally have something for myself. that i am still in control of my own life, that i can win this.

nothing could have made me felt worse. i was thinking of calling my aunt to take me to the hospital.

win? i didn’t know this was a contest where someone has to win and someone has to lose.

despite the unbelievable pain in my stomach, i managed to make soup and ate. i took more medicines and fell asleep.

why am i doing this again? i keep forgetting. one part of me wants to just talk to him, as if everything’s fine, pretend that it’s ok… and that i’m willing to go where he takes me.

i was feeling a little better so i decided to clean my apartment and apply floor wax to my bedroom floor which drove me back to the bathroom to throw up.

i want to go to baguio with him and his family. i know it’ll probably not push through but i want to be there for that small possibility that it will.

i went back to bed and wondered what the hell i’m doing. i felt so bad. in every way a person can feel bad. i wanted to cry. but i think there’s finally nothing left.

i want to spend Christmas with him, although i know he might not care to spend it with me, i want to be there for that small chance that he might.

now, i’m back to work. i still feel like throwing up but i feel better. good thing i didn’t try to install the speakers. i could be in my pink apartment right now, bleeding to death. is it bad that i find that thought comforting?

but one part of me is terrified that there’s nothing waiting there for me but more lies and more pain.

it’s 2 hours past the end of my shift and just as i’m ready to wrap this up… it pours outside and i don’t have an umbrella or a jacket.

just so you know, the worst lies are the ones you don’t say out loud.

C said i just need a break… something to hold on to… something to keep me going…

i think i can start heading home now.

he said life can surprise us sometimes.

just to find you.

what if i do?
~ foo fighters

Back and forth that voice of yours keeps me up at night
Help me search to find the words that eat you up inside
I go side to side like the wildest tides in your hurricane
And I only hide what is on my mind because I can't explain

What if I do love
What if I don't?
I'd have to lose everything just to find you
What if I do love
What if I don't
I'd have to lose everything just to find you

It's my turn this solo burn so throw me in the fire
Trophies earned and lessons learned, my wicked little lies
We can pave new roads with the cold creed stones, wind them through the pines
Should I stay or should I go alone? I cannot decide

What if I do love
What if I don't?
I'd have to lose everything just to find you
What if I do love
What if I don't
I'd have to lose everything just to find you

ballad for me...

How come, how long
Its not right, its so wrong

Do we let it just go on

Turn our backs and carry on

Wake up, for its too late

Right now, we cant wait

She wont have a second try

Open up your hearts

As well as your eyes

~ how come, how long

babyface

i get it.

i get it. i get it. i get it.

i know what i should do. i know what’s good for me. i know i can do it. but i don’t want to. i just don’t want to.

but you leave me with no other option.

keep in mind that i don’t want to do this. i never wanted to do this. and i have done everything i can to avoid doing this. but i have to.

and God knows i will miss you. i will miss everything. but i cant keep missing you.

i don’t want to do this. but you force me to.

what do i miss?

i miss everything. every little thing. every tiny bit. everything.

but i’m tired of missing things...

i’m so sorry. i can’t do this anymore.
and in case you don’t know, you are not helping to make things better.

i’m just not built this way. i thought i can do this. and i tried, God knows i tried… for more than a year now, i've been trying... and i can't go on anymore. not like this.

you have to understand... i can't second guess my whole life.

i have to leave now. because it hurts so much to stay and wait and be fooled. over and over again.

you never tell me anything. you never let me in.

pretty in pink

you know what they always say, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” so, if life gives you a pink apartment, are you supposed to buy tacky pink furniture?

some blessings just really come in the weirdest packages. i don’t blame my aunt, in fact, she doesn’t even have to explain. i know. i understand. it’s kinda funny, in some ways. of course, she’ll have that apartment painted pink. she’s always wanted a pink room but she was blessed with three boys and well… me, her almost orphaned 28 year old niece, who after so many years, finally asked for her help. so, naturally, she went out of her way to have the place painted pink. never mind that i’m no longer 15 years old. never mind that i don’t particularly like pink, never mind that the apartment is orange on the outside… and now pink on the inside.

i am not complaining. she’s taken care of everything, all i had to do, really, was show up. i could have tried to speak up and risked hurting her feelings… but she will be devastated. she was expecting me to fall in love with the paint job. first, i ask for her help and now i’m speaking up??? whew. one step at a time, I. one step at a time.

who cares if i have pink walls, peach doors and dark brown trims? i do. i had it all planned, modern but homey… i had a color scheme in my head… soft blues, cool but not cold, sweet but not tacky…

but… well, maybe living in a pink apartment for a few months wont hurt. but if i go crazy, you know what to blame.

all in a night's tossing and turning...

As usual, I couldn’t sleep last night. I knew I had to get up at 11pm for my 1am shift, which made it harder for me to sleep. It was I think around 9:30 when sleep finally came. And in the hours before that, amidst all the tossing and turning, these thoughts were running through my head…

A couple of days ago I had the worst dream ever. I can’t tell you because it hurts too much to remember… and I’m terrified that it’s true. I’m so scared that it’s true because I don’t think I can bear any more pain than what I feel right now. I know I just can’t.

I know I can’t coz it’ll mean that it’ll be over forever. And he doesn’t make it easy by letting me know what’s going on. I don’t understand why he likes hurting me. i don’t know why he won’t just tell me the truth and cut me off my misery. How can he be so mean?

I can’t go on like this anymore. I know I can’t.

Then…

“what do you take the pills for?”
“eh… you know… life.”

Sometimes, life is so overwhelming. Sometimes, it’s just too much and you can’t breathe, you can’t sleep, and most of the time, you just wish you were dead.

A few minutes later…

Excuses/abuses

- no signal
- no load
- low battery
- fell asleep

and now, keypad not working.

I know that I have a choice. I can choose not to be around to hear the next abuse.

I mean, excuse.

And then…

I think I know where this is going. Heck, I’ve known where this is going for… let’s see… maybe a year… and yet…

I tell myself that I’m strong and I can do this. and by doing this, I’m proving that in the end, love will prevail… but really, who the hell am I kidding?

And who the hell is he kidding? Really? You tell me, will a short text message a day hinder him from enjoying his fucking team building? Will the few seconds he spends sending that message take away so much bliss, happiness and joy from that fucking team building. I Don’t Think So.

See, I’m trying really really hard to understand… to see things from his perspective. But I can’t. I’ve been on trips before; outings with my friends, vacations, drinking sprees, beach parties, night outs, etc… I’ve been there… and for some strange reason, I still manage to send a text message or two. And my friends did not seem to have a problem on that area either. And as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t take away any type of bliss from anyone, nor did it ruin anyone’s day. So, I’m just wondering… what the hell?

You tell me.

what the hell?

Well, of course, it turns out that I didn’t have to get up at 11:00 because the meeting was postponed. Found out around 12:30.

What? All that tossing and turning for nothing?

Someone just please shoot me in the head. And please,

make it good.

poker

I’ll be here, if you need anything. But you never need anything.

-logan

i want a guy who likes to beat the crap out of a guy who happens to look at me the wrong way. I want a guy who takes pleasure in hitting someone, well, as long as it’s not me. I want a guy who likes taking care of me. Someone who dominates a relationship. Tall, strong, someone who takes charge. Someone who doesn’t sit and wait in the sidelines. Someone who thinks I am an important part of his life, and finds urgency in being with me.

But that’s just what I want.

In reality, I’m in love with the biggest gutless jerk who can’t even dominate a cat if his life depended on it. I’m in love with a defensive commitment phobic; a pacifist who likes finding fault in me and refuses to see the good. I’m in love with a selfish ass who doesn’t take risks; who keeps me around coz he’s scared he’ll lose me forever. And doesn’t even exert effort to know if he wants to keep me forever or not.

so, why am laying all my cards and blindly going all out for his moron? Because at the end of the day, all I need is the love he gave. It’s all I need for another day…

aint life grand?

And I know, I watch too much tv.

epic

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic!
Logan: But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over.
Veronica: Logan...
Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...
Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

i’m going all out. Giving this everything i’ve got. Everything. This has to stop one way or another. Even epic stories have an ending. Even the grandest of love songs have to end some time... right?

you'd better

i don’t know if it’s the series of events, the time of the month or just generally my life that’s been driving me towards the deep end of this ocean of sadness. Haha. Sadness… it’s not even that, I think. I guess it’s more the lack of energy and drive and reason to be glad.

I want to sleep… and rest… and spend an entire day having ice cream with the shades drawn and these two songs faintly playing in the background...

only you
~ Joshua Radin

Looking from the window above
It's like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday
Who went further away
Want you near me

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Sometimes when I think of her name
When it's only a game
And I need you
Listen to the words that you say
It's getting harder to stay
When I need you

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

This is gonna take a long time
And I wonder what's mine
Can't take no more
Wonder if you'll understand
It's just the touch of your hand
Behind a closed door

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

i found a reason
~Cat Powers

Oh I do believe

In all the things you say

What comes is better than what came before

And youd better come come, come come to me

Better come come, come come to me

Better run, run run, run run to me

Better come

Oh I do believe

In all the things you say

What comes is better that what came before

And youd better run run, run run to me

Better run, run run, run run to me

Better come, come come, come come to me

Youd better run

it's not you, it's me.

so I’ll just stop trying.

Maybe I should just stop trying. Stop trying to make sense of something that doesn’t. stop trying to understand things that aren’t. stop making excuses for lies thrown at me. Stop trying to catch up with things don’t want to be caught. Just stop trying.

And maybe, hopefully, I’ll learn to stop loving people who don’t want my love.

which i just recently realized, isn't really that good anyway.

movin' up

Finally, I found a new place. I’m moving out mid September. New home, new life. I hope.

Of course I’m scared… that dismal feeling at the pit of your stomach when something unpleasant will happen. I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I’m just afraid that this move will not be that big of a step. Something at the back of my head tells me that my other foot might still be in… or that I’ve only stepped on the line, not beyond.

I don’t know why I feel the need to get out of that comfort zone so much, maybe because I badly need this change. Btw, this comfort zone that I held on for too long, wasn’t even that comfortable.

The mommy chub died yesterday. And I cried for hours. And hours. of course, it was my fault she died. It’s my fault the baby chubs won’t have a mom and the daddy chub will be so sad, he’ll probably want to die now, too.

It’s me, I know. I don’t know how to take care of them. I don’t know how to take are of things and people and animals I love. I couldn’t get a spineless twat to stay and I’ve lost count of all the chubs and dolphins I’ve lost. And if jingoy could leave or kill herself, she probably would have done that by now. I just don’t know how to do this. I just don’t know the right way to love.

p r a y e r

~God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr ~


“There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don’t want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature… Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us… Because so many of us are cowardly and afraid to stand up for what is right… Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice… The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no.” - Desperate Housewives

more than all the world

Normal day,
Let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you,
Bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by
In quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may,
For it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,
Or bury my face in the pillow,
Or stretch myself taut
Or raise my hands to the sky
And want more than all the world,
Your return.

~Mary Jean Iron

wake up, it's time

I remember that huge earthquake we had in 1990, it was july 16… I was sitting on my bed when my 11 year old world shook. i thought chico, my half german shepherd-half dobber man puppy, was underneath the bed, shaking it. but when I looked up, I saw the walls sway and everthing else move… so I ran outside.

My mom and my nanny where running around looking for me when I sat on the swing and pushed myself as hard as I could. I thought the pavement would open up and swallow me and my mom and our house. I was so scared I didn’t want to get off the swing until the earthquake stopped. I didn’t want to feel the earthquake that would swallow everything I loved.

I guess this time I have to step out of the swing, huh? At least that’s what A told me. I haven’t seen him in a long time. God I miss him, I miss how he took care of me… just took care of me, selflessly. We talked about life… not relationships and all that crap… we talked about life… my life… what my plans are. before I talked to him, I was just a mess… my plans were a mangle of half meant strategies, half meant intentions, half meant goals. Now, i guess it’s a bit clearer… I guess, at least now, I can trace a path amidst all the lines.

I don’t expect things to be easy… but I’m looking forward to this. Time to get out of my comfort zone and step into the unknown… I just hope that in the process, I don’t loose sight of who I am and what’s really important in my life.

Skin and bones is one of the nicest albums I’ve heard in a long time. Damn you, dave grohl.

sweet and divine

Razor

by Foo Fighters
album: In Your Honor (2005), Skin and Bones (2006)

Wake up, it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know, I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine, razor of mine
Sweet and divine, razor blade shine

Patience, my dear,
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time,
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye

Sweet and divine, razor of mine
Sweet and divine, razor blade shine

Day after day, cuttin' away
Day after day, but anyway

Wake up, it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Wake up your mind
I need to know, I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine, razor of mine
Sweet and divine, razor blade shine.

your heart is my piñata…

I like looking out of vehicle windows when it rains. I see the outside world as a vague and wounded object, full of scars and tears from the wind and the rain.

I like looking out of vehicle windows when it rains, because there I see a world where I can ask the questions I’m not allowed to ask; I can say words I am not allowed to say; I can cry tears I’m not allowed to cry; and I can feel the pain I have no right to feel.

They say you’ll only know your limit once you get there. Something tells me I am thisclose to being broken beyond repair.

reasons...

C: Wake Up! V, wake up! You’re physically still awake but what’s fantasy and reality seems to have merged in your head.

V: I asked him to be honest. He said he will be. He said he’ll try.

C: Oh, he’s being genuine. That’s who he really is and apparently, you want him for reasons only you know. Let’s dissect, why do you want him?

V: I can’t even think straight to answer that. C: Okay. If you can’t think of reasons why you want him… think of reasons why you can’t leave.

18 hours after

V: my reasons… because I like being close to him, even if he smells like vinegar just now. Because we can talk and laugh for hours and still find things to talk and laugh about. Because even after spending two awkward days with him and his family, I still don’t want the day to end…because it just wouldn't be like going home if he's not there.

C: Awww. How sweet. That’s because he’s your comfort zone. You know, he has to know.

f u s e

Love and hate.
Hate and love.

They say there’s a thin line between love and hate. But what if the two have merged in some way, in a way where you can’t separate them anymore and that thin line has disappeared? How will you know which is which?

These two are a lethal mix. Dangerous. Risky. fatal. It can lead to over 16 stab wounds… sometimes, even more.

I know what I’m doing. I know where all these will lead. I know how this will end. I know this like the back of my hand. Memorized all the lines. Familiar will every crease, curve and bump. I know how painful this will be. But I’m still here. Yet again.

So what?

If you knew what’s going to happen, will this somehow, cushion the blow? Or will the anticipation just make it more painful? If you know what kind of pain you’re facing, will the expectation make it seem more painful than the actual pain? Or will the preparation help make it a little less painful?

There’s a science to this. And it’s proven, time and again, never to work.

timeless

I know someone who cried so hard, she popped an artery in her cornea and literally shed blood from her eye. i can only wonder what kind of pain someone goes through to burst open a vein in her eye for crying so hard. I wish I could tell her that everything will turn out right, eventually. I wish I could, somehow take her mind off that tragedy. I wish I knew what to say and do to make her feel a bit less wounded. But I know that there’s nothing I can say or do to lessen her pain. In my heart, I know that even time can’t heal that kind of pain. It doesn’t hurt any less... you just get used to the pain. It doesn’t fade.

Because that pain, like love of the real kind, does not fade. It doesn’t end.

I just wish I could be there to hold her hand while she shed her tears of blood.

sigh.

ever met someone and knew you've been waiting for that person all your life?

let me count the ways...

a friend sent me this email... and true enough, it made me smile. a breath of fresh air at a time when it's so hard to find things to smile about...

23 Ways To Make ivy Smile

1 . Tell her she is beautiful, not hot, fine or sexy.
2 . Hold her hand even if just for a second.
3 . Kiss her on the forehead.
4 . Leave her messages to wake up to.
5. When she is upset hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
7 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
8. Take long walks with her.
9 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
10 . Write her notes. {she loves them}
11 . Play with her hair.
12 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.
13. Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just make her laugh. (trust me, it’s not that hard to make her laugh.)
14 . Text her in the middle of the night just because you miss her.
15 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
16 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.
17 . Give her piggyback rides.
18 . Bring her flowers just because.
19 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you are alone.
20 . Look her in the eyes and smile.
21 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing.
22 . Kiss her in the rain.
23 . And if you love her, tell her.

i'm sure this is one of those forwarded stuff... but the way he personalized it... of course, made me smile.

why don't you...

...hurry?

i want to wear that watch you gave me last last christmas.

bleed the freak

You know something’s terribly gone wrong when you’re at a beautiful, lavish spa in baguio, petals scattered around you with the sweet, rich smell of essential oils lingering in the air and the masseuse constantly asks you to relax while you’re getting a luxurious massage. If you can’t relax at a spa, you know something’s amiss.

I had second thoughts about going to baguio. There were just too many things that had to be done and leaving meant that I would have to put things off once again… plus, I haven’t fully recovered from the series of illnesses I had the past month. I argued if I should be responsible and do the things I should do or ditch everything and give myself a break. I chose the latter. Packed my bags, left kori and bentot to their turtle sitter and took a bus to baguio alone.

Going on that trip proved to be the better choice. Apparently (as everyone knew), I had to get away. I got to slow down and think. wouldn’t you know… it even helped me put things back in perspective. The past month, I just couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything really. I was just going through the motions, always trying to catch up, it seemed. I was trying to catch up with a respiratory tract infection, bleeding ulcers, low red blood cells, and faulty valves in my heart.

I guess when everything goes wrong; you are left with no choice but to do something right.

I want to live where I don’t have to pop pills just to go to sleep every night; where there’s a view outside my window and I wouldn’t be afraid to look out; where I can think and not end up in tears of helplessness and resignation. I want to be in a place where maybe, laughter, happiness and joy can live again. And love... Always love.

i will be alright.

dry the rain
~ the beta band

This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

Dusty brown boots in the corner
By the ironing board
Spray on dust is the greatest thing
Sure is the greatest thing
Since the last since the last

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light

I will be your light
I Need Love

running on empty

So, how does this work? How does life work? I feel like I’m going in circles. I feel like I’m going through hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle with no finish line in sight. No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No light at the end of the tunnel.

Everything is finally happening, but nothing makes sense. It doesn’t make sense. Life doesn’t.

It’s like… when you’re finally sure that you want something… when you’re finally sure that it’s what you want. Just what you need in your life. That one thing makes sense… the one thing you can’t live without… It slips further and further away from you.

It sucks. Big time. The one thing I can’t live without is the one thing I can’t have. At least, not the way I want it. And the one thing i can’t live with is the one thing I have. And the only way to have the one I can’t live without is to live with the one I can’t live with.

Life sucks. you can never get what you want. I just feel so empty. Like a big gaping hole. Like a traveler with nowhere to go. Lost and empty. and that’s me. that’s me.

Sometimes, life is just too much.

looks like rain...

Every morning when i walk from my apartment on my way to work, there’s a place, that place between our village and the next, just a little after the invisible dog whimpers at my right side, where I always remember to look up at the morning sky. i’ve always marveled at the sight of the pitch black sky, the countless bright stars and a luminous moon. Mornings start really early for me these days… usually at 3 am, sometimes, at 12 am. there’s always a sense of contentment when I look up the sky and see all the stars scattered in the velvet sky and a big round moon to hold them all together. a sight you will never see in the city, except in the ungodly hours of 2 or 4 am.

This morning, instead of the usual, I saw a dark sky with heavy gray clouds. The stars were missing, and even the moon, which was supposed to be full, was nowhere in sight. Just the black sky and gray clouds, heavy and out of place.

It doesn’t look like this is going to be a good day. For the Chinese, seeing a meteor is bad luck. I forgot why. But i saw one last week. A meteor falling just as the sun was setting… Maybe this will be my misfortune. Oh, who cares. Who believes in luck anyway? Luck is just a term lazy people use to comfort themselves, to hope on something that doesn’t exist.

Lucky was what we used to be.

I can’t wait for this day to end. I will need more than luck, I’m sure. I need a prayer and then some.

bloodshot

I want to cry, but what for? I am sad, and understandably so… but why cry? hearts were not shattered and dreams were not taken away… so what for?

If I expected an awkward touch to meet my arms when I reached out, then why am I here? What for? What’s left?

i want to cry. but the tears have long gone.

nothing's left except the blood in my eyes.

tears

It has been brought to my attention that lately, I’ve been letting everyone down. My friends, my loved ones, my family, my house, my pets, my plants… my health, my self… I’ve let them all down in one way or another. And it seems that the only part of my life I haven’t failed lately is my work.

Heck, I even failed my date last Saturday. After letting the poor guy pay 3000 for dinner, I didn’t even have the courtesy to come up with a good excuse not to see a movie after dinner which I initially agreed to anyway. Instead, I begged off, because I was just so tired and I just wanted to go home and sleep.

This isn’t like me at all. I stay true to my words… I am reliable. My friends and family have always been able to rely on me. Now I’m just someone who doesn’t show up, who doesn’t return phone calls and in the rare instances that I do show up, i arrive at the last possible minute, when everyone’s ready to leave.

June suddenly isn’t that far away and I have to decide and prepare and leave. I can’t do this. How can you just walk away from everything that you love? Maybe I should ask X…. he did a pretty good job, walking away from our life, never looking back. I wish I could be like that. Cold. Heartless.

This can’t go on. I don’t like myself like this. This has to stop. Something has to change. I know that. I know. I know all these will catch up on me sooner or later…

God, I’m crying out for help.
Can’t you hear?

patrick!

some time...

The doctor said, “you’re going to be in pain for some time”

Define “some time”.

Is it a week? A month? A year? Five? Ten ?

Will I even live long enough to know life without it?


“What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me? Into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better, because if the scanner sees only darkly the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again.” - a scanner darkly

213

Shades are drawn
No one out can see
What I've done
What's become of me
Here I stand
Above all thats been true
How I love
How I love to kill you

~ 213 : Slayer : Divine Intervention

Take a lesson from the strangeness that you feel.

Bad day. Woke up with a terrible sore throat and a fever.

Okay. So in the spirit of St. Valentine’s Day…. (yeah, right)

When you were younger you were made to believe that more than anything, love is a feeling. Something you can’t control. Something you don’t have a say over. But it seems, over the years, that it’s not. As you grow older, you realize that love, ultimately, is a decision. Feelings fade. Love shouldn’t.

At the end of the day, we choose who we love. We choose who we come home to. We choose who we take care of. We choose who we allow to take care of us. We choose who we wake up in the morning with. We choose who we share our life with. We choose who we don’t give up on. We choose who we stick with.

When I was seven, in an attempt to make me understand what love is, a very intelligent woman told me that love is something you have to give everyday to make it stick.

It is a conscious decision to “make it stick.” a deliberate and intentional effort to make it work… every single day.

We make decisions everyday, some more important than others. It’s just sad that we often leave the most important decision of our lives to chance.

monday blues

Monday morning, sitting on my couch, weighing up my life… after almost an hour, I hadn't come up with anything new. Still the same goals. Still the same M.O. except I decided that I need a new bag. A new pair of shades. A new bathing suit. And I need to find a pair of high top chuck taylors in hot pink.

Hmmm...

8 easy steps

been listening to alanis morissette’s “the collection” album lately. excluding the songs from her “jagged little pill” album, i’ve grown to like some of the songs like simple together, everything, 8 easy steps, hands clean and princess familiar. she really is the queen of break up albums. i recommend her music to every girl who’s nursing a broken heart. I’m not saying that I’m broken hearted right now… it’s more like double jeopardy; you can’t be accused of the same crime twice.

someone in the rain

"i know there are days when you feel that your heart is broken again... well, you know why? coz instead of moving on and walking forward, you hurt yourself by looking back."

the thing with the Forget Me Not’s in my garden is that they don’t forget. they don’t die. they cling on to every last drop of water, to every last carbon dioxide they can breathe, to every ray of sunlight. i’ve given up on them so many times in the past, but when i’m ready to uproot them and throw them away… a small bud appears at the end of a withering stem.

now, the problem with me, is that i always look back. they say that the hardest part about moving forward is not looking back. and it really is. especially with me.

i looked back when D got off the bus and I didn’t.

i looked back after my brother and I went in opposite directions after visiting my mom’s grave yesterday. I hardly get to spend time with my brother. the cemetery was as good a place as any to talk but it was cut short because the cemetery was closing for the day. and looking back at brother as he walked home made me realize that I wasn’t going home to a family. something was wrong. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was going home to a stuffed bear, to 6 parakeets who can’t even like each other enough to breed, to a goldfish who, just like me, probably just wanted to drown and die.

and on that last night of november last year, i looked back. after dinner and coffee, i told X that he didn’t have to walk me home. it was starting to rain and we were expecting the super typhoon that never came. now that i think about it, it’s one of my saddest memories.

if i wanted him to walk me home, then why did i tell him not to? maybe i was scared that he didn’t really want to. and if he really wanted to, he would have insisted, right?

i don't know why i wanted him to walk me home. maybe i was scared. scared to walk in the rain by myself. scared of the storm. scared to be alone in the storm.

for some reason, i don’t remember a lot of things that happened the last six years. when i try to remember, all I see is an ocean of things, an ocean of events and feelings that’s so far away that it doesn’t make sense. it's like i wasn't even there. when I try to recall how we met, and the things that brought us together, or the happy times we had, it doesn’t hurt anymore because i can’t remember them anymore. i remember short moments, but i can’t put them together… i can’t get them to make sense. now, what kind of person tries to remember when she’s supposed to forget and her mind is helping her out by forgetting?

anyway, i remember walking in the rain alone that night. the cold wind slapped my cheeks and hot tears fell from my eyes, and when i finally had the courage to look back, he wasn’t there anymore.

did i want to find you there, looking back at me, unable to leave? did i want to see you walking after me? did want to see you finally stand up for me? i don't know.

all i know is that when i did look back, you weren't there. and again, like before... you just walked away.

just like that.

heck

this is long over due. it’s not even… ah, what the heck… for what its worth,

simple together
~ alanis morissette, so-called chaos

you've been my golden best friend
now with post-demise at hand
can't go to you for consolation
cause we're off limits during this transition

this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and I can't stop bumping into things

i thought we'd be simple together
i thought we'd be happy together
i thought we'd be limitless together
i thought we'd be precious together
but I was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and then some
i remembered you the moment I met you
with you I knew God's face was handsome
with you I saw fun and expansion
this loss is numbing meIt pierces my chest
and I can't stop dropping everything

i thought we'd be sexy together
i thought we'd be evolving together
i thought we'd have children together
i thought we'd be family together
but I was sadly mistaken

if I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
if I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
if I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

i thought we'd be genius together
i thought we'd be healing together
i thought we'd be growing together
i thought we'd be adventurous together
but I was sadly mistaken

i thought we'd be exploring together
i thought we'd be inspired together
i thought we'd be flying together
i thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken.

happy crappy

so that the hell am I so happy about?

so many things. this morning, on my way to work, I realized that there were so many things happening. just so much to look forward to. first, my applications, then there’s the transfer and a new house. there’s that hot air balloon fest. then the week after that. there’s also that thingy that I can’t mention. then there’s that concert. then my ipod and my aunt and my grandma coming home for a visit. and so much more.

I’m just happy. glad to be alive. excited over the unknown. happy.

a far cry from a week before when I blatantly expressed my desire to just go home, curl up and die.

this could be messy

when I was a kid, I decided that I wasn’t going to be that kind of girl.

I’m still not.
I’m starting to fall.

he was supposed to leave.
but he didn’t.

but i’m not that kind of girl.
I’m never going to be that kind of girl.

one way motorway

“what is crooked cannot be made straight, and what is lacking cannot be counted.”

ecclesiastes 1:15

when your friends are making things easier for you, you should just listen to them and do what they say. your friends only want the best for you. they have no selfish intentions, they just genuinely want you to be happy; to be well. so when I know that I’m not thinking clearly, I should just go along with them. after all, they are thinking clearly. and I am not.

but, the masochist that I am, I am taking the high road. or am I ?

is this one of those situations where giving up is harder than holding on?

a moon for the misbegotten

“therefore this iniquity shall be to you like a breach in a high wall,
bulging out, and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly in an instant;
and its breaking is like that of a potters vessel that is smashed so ruthlessly
that among its fragments not a shard is found with which to take fire from the hearth,
or to dig up water out of the cistern. “
Isaiah 30:13-14

did you see the moon last night? it was so thin and bright. the edges were so clear and sharp, it could have cut right through me like a knife. according to my ever reliable zire, it’s the first new moon of the year…

I did it. submitted my request to be transferred to a land so far away from here. finally. I hope I get transferred. and I hope it happens soon. it’s almost time to look for a new job and a new home anyway. might as well move to place that’s not here. this has gone on long enough.

I am ready.

. . .

okay.

detox

I want to run away. I want to go to a place so far from here and never go back…
Why don’t I?


The lady behind the spa’s counter asked me to choose an oil, pointing to the cardboard menu in front of me.

- therapeutic
- rejuvenating
- refreshing
- energizing
- anti stress

I wanted to ask her if they had an “enlightening” oil. I sure as hell could use a little enlightenment in my life right now, I thought.

So in my pursuit of enlightenment, I chose the Anti Stress oil. It was tall order that I get a massage or get out of town last weekend, or do something to calm my nerves and clear my mind. I knew that staying home watching TV the whole day was not going to be enough. I planned to go somewhere peaceful and quiet but I was running a fever, so traveling was out of the question. I needed to get this out of my system so I can move on and start doing the things I have to do…which, as of last count, were plenty.

I think I heard it from that movie, “crash”, that we miss the sense of touch so much that we crash into each other, just to we can feel something.

Hazel was a blessing. Her soft hands gliding though my oiled skin made me aware of every muscle, every curve, and every detail in my body. Every stroke forced my tired muscles to rest… giving just enough pressure, not too much that it hurt, and not too little that I didn’t feel anything… it wasn’t enlightening, but it felt so good, I didn’t mind being a mess.

If you suddenly feel the need to be held, to have someone’s weight press your body against a bed, have someone pay attention to every detail of your body… if you suddenly need to feel someone hold you like she meant it, or if you just need a break… a rest from everything but for some reason you can’t get away… or maybe if you need a little enlightenment… do what I did:

1. chose an oil
2. take your clothes off
3. and close your eyes.

at last

i'm so happy. finally fixed this blog. hihihi. i almost started to create a new blog. so happy.

at last, A is done. finally. hope i wake up in time for work tomorrow at 5.

baby butatot.

I miss my mom.

The woman who sat beside me in the bus on my way home last night strangely reminded me of my mom. She didn’t look like my mom at all, save the teacher’s uniform and maybe if my mom is still alive, they’ll be about the same age. The only things that connected us were that we were both getting off at the same stop and that we were both equally spaced out.

And the way she smiled. It was the creases near the corner of her eyes that caught me for a few seconds before I was able to answer her question. She could have been my mom. She had a warm, sensitive smile that I would guess only mothers can give their daughters.

If my mom was here, she’ll let me cry the whole day. She’ll stroke my back and let me cry until i fall asleep. And when I wake up, she’ll be there, her eyes, just as puffy as mine. She wouldn’t tell me that things will be better soon enough… just that she’ll always be there. And I wouldn’t have any doubt that she will be. And it would have been enough.

She wouldn’t tell me that I was stupid to have let things happen the way they did, she’ll understand. And she’ll tell me stories of how I loved writing letters to her. How I always messed up her garden, but it was okay because she loves waking up with the cut flowers beside her bed. She’ll tell me how I drove her and my grandma crazy because I loved playing under the sun until my skin gets burned. And how I always come home with a collection of bugs, dragon flies, butterflies and spiders…. And how that drove my brother crazy.

She’ll tell me of that summer when I got myself so fat from eating dilis and Indian mango every afternoon under the mango tree, until I fall asleep on the “papag”. She’ll tell me how I loved to laugh and sing and write letters to everyone… how I hated playing patintero because I was too darn slow… how I almost never cried… and how I snore like a pig. We’ll laugh about them, then I’ll cry again, and she’ll hold me close and she’ll tell me to rest my heart... and i'll know that everything will be fine.

this is the last time...

Angels Or Devils

- dishwalla : opalline

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around

I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up-
and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

berserk

like its author and its favorite subject, this blog is all screwed up. I don’t know what happened, but the line breaks went berserk and I can’t fix it. Dang. I don’t want to create another blog. But I can’t continue with this screwed up blog. And I’m still trying to figure out if it’s even worth editing my previous posts. Or transfer them to a new one or just plain start somewhere else…

the flower on the hill...

M sent me this forwarded email sometime ago. I didn't finish reading it because it hit so close to home... but it's nice, really ... made me think. again.

Here is the story for those lost the sense of romance in their live....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before,has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy.My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.

One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce."Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table nearthe front door, that goes....

My dear,"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.."This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautifulsand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.... flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship.Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... and that's our life.. . Love, not words win arguments...

alive 2007

this is my favorite picture from that wolfgang/razorback concert i’ve waited for for a long time. it was stupid of me not to set my camera beforehand, so the result was… well… a lot of really lousy pictures. how can i even think of saving up to buy a freaking SLR camera when i can’t even set a digicam, a very simple digicam, right? o well. at least, i take better pictures than X. that guy has the audacity to want to take up photography when he can’t even take a freaking picture. i swear, he’s hopeless. and i’m not saying this to put him down, but really! i thought he’ll learn a thing or two from that photography book i got him last Christmas, but seriously, he can’t take a picture for crap.

he managed to screw up the three most important pictures for me that night. first, my picture with velasco was unbelievably blurred. second, legarda’s eyes were almost closed (not X’s fault, but i want to blame him for everything that went wrong that night, so… ), third, he made artadi look gay. what the hell was that about?

eulogy

“Did you really leave me again? After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window, listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return? for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you. A whole lifetime I've been waiting. I can't believe you're not coming back. I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting..."

~ eulogy

lechon de leche

It j u s t doesn’t end, does it?

You know something’s definitely wrong when you find yourself staring at a pig being roasted and you would rather be the pig than be you.

Sometimes, you really just don’t know what life will throw at you. I thought, just a week away from 2007, what else could possibly happen this year? After everything… what the hell else could happen?

I’m so tired. I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of X. I’m tired… and I don’t know why I still haven’t given up. What for anyway? When will this end? How can two people still manage to break up after calling it quits almost a year ago?

Why can’t I just leave? Why can’t I just turn my back at all this? finally. For everyone’s sake. Really. I know what I should do. I just don’t want to do it. Yet. give me time.

And as for you, X… how can you be so stupid? Can’t you see that I will go to the ends of the world for you, you dumbass?

pre-holiday blues

there should be something here. i should have something... christmas is a few days away...

and i have nothing…

sanest thing or sweetest kind of dream...

fools like me
-lisa loeb, the way it really is

everybody go
the party's over
i want to be alone in my head
in my bed tonight
you never show
you must really love her
you think i don't know
but i do, yeah it's true
i think over is over
i'm right back where i started
(when it comes to wanting you)
i can't have what i wanted

but i did, i can
i was, i am
only human, living, dying
just like any fool who ever breathed
if love is blind
if love's a drug
it always is
it always was and
love was surely made for fools like me

i know where i'm going
i'm tripping i'm sliding around that's ok
at least i'm excited
it wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
feet are where i landed
at least i understand it now)

my feet are where i landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
fools like me
fools like me

i did,
i can i was, i am
only human, living, dying
just like any fool who ever breathed
maybe it's the sanest thing
or just the sweetest kind of dream
but love was surely made for fools
(love was surely made for fools)
love was surely made for fools
(love was surely made for fools)
love was surely made for fools like me

pacman

so tired.

but i can’t sleep. just saw that pacquiao/morales match on tv. who am i to complain, anyway? those guys get beat up for a living. and i’m sure they didn’t always get paid millions to beat the living daylights out of each other. but then again, they do get to beat the crap out of a world champion of some sort on national tv. i guess it just depends on which corner of the ring you belong to.

sometimes, you’re the guy on top of the ropes, raising your arms in victory, a nation, so deprived of a hero, chanting your name. and sometimes, you’re the guy sitting on the other corner, unable to get up, trying to make sense of the blows you just took, humbled and defeated, with only your real friends around you…

man, i think i’m going to throw up. again.

oh grow up!

she looks like the real thing
she tastes like the real thing
my Fake Plastic Love.
but i can't help the feeling
i could blow through the ceiling
if i just turn and run
and it wears me out, it wears me out
it wears me out, it wears me out.
and if i could be who you wanted
if i could be who you wanted,

~ fake plastic trees, radiohead

i hate holloween. never liked it. at least now, i know why. thanks to childhood’s end by arthur c clarke. according to that book, our fear of the classic portrayals of demons- dark skin, leathery wings, pointed tails are in fact, reverse racial memory- we premonitored their coming would foretell the end of our species. go figure.

i can’t believe she’s throwing this to my face.

use your head, please. for everyone’s sake. i know it’s not much, but for crying out loud, God gave you that brain, no matter how small it is, i’m sure you can squeeze some sense out of it.

you know what every ethical person would do? they would stay away from someone else’s fiancé, for starters. that’s what decent people do. come on, we’re all adults here. you knew what you were doing, from the start. he knew what he was doing. why the hell do you come to me, hoping for sympathy when you knew from the start that you were wrong? and you’re not even sorry.

and why would you accuse me of judging you when all i did was tell you the truth? don’t tell me you didn’t want that to happen. that was exactly what you hoped would happen. from the start, you knew he was a little attracted to you. you knew he was engaged. but instead of keeping your distance, you pretended to be his friend, pretended to be this sweet innocent friend who did all the things his fiancée couldn’t because she was away and sad. you sick bitch.

and she trusted you, you snake. she was thankful you were around to be his friend while she was away. and when you felt that something was happening? what did you do? instead of turning your back, you nurtured it. you wouldn’t have done anything about it until she started being suspicious.

and now you tell me that you’re not sure if you really love him? of course, you don’t! you liked him. and he knew that, that’s why he paid attention to you in the first place. and you found his attention flattering. you kept your ploy so he will continue paying attention to you. were you THAT starved for attention? to the point of compromising your morals? at other people’s expense? and the saddest part is, that moron bought your ruse.

and i judged you? again, i told you the truth. want to hear me judge you? here.. go ahead and fuck that moron. i’m sure it’ll make you feel soooooooooooooo good about yourself. isn’t that what you wanted? validation that you’re not an appalling person… to prove to yourself and to everyone that you can steal someone’s boyfriend?

what? he wouldn’t sleep with you? why? is he scared that by going to bed with you, you’ll bulldoze him into being in a real relationship with you? well, that’s just pathetic. and i don’t just mean the guy.

but you know what? now that I think about it, you two deserve each other. you’ll make an exquisite couple, i’m sure. i hope you two end up together, and i hope that one day, he’ll screw you over like he did his ex and realize that you were just his excuse for his inability to grow up.

i wouldn’t blame him. you made yourself an easy prey.

shrill

went to the dentist the other day. now, i’m the only person i know who likes having her teeth cleaned. you know that shrill sound of metal grinding against bone that drives everyone crazy? i like that. this time, i had a little extra. a bonus, if you may. the dentist massaged my gums. at first it felt weird, but you know what? it felt pretty damn good. you should try it. even better that shrill sound.

and my dentist is pretty. i wondered what i would feel if i were a guy and that pretty dentist was massaging my gums. hmm…. i want to be a guy, just for a day, no not lesbian, but a guy… a real guy, with a mustache, itchy balls, and the penchant for stupidity and boobs. i want to know what it feels like not to be responsible for anything in this world except for my useless balls.

but you know what? life is short. it’s not worth it.

out of stock

i really did not plan for it to happen. it started out innocent enough. i just went to glorietta last thursday to buy a gift for my cousin. the shirt he wanted wasn't available, it was too early to go home and i had time to spare... then one shoe led to another... and before i knew it, i was home friday night, exhausted... with 3 pairs of shoes, 2 bags, 5 blouses, 3 pairs of pants and a pair of lingerie, thinking... maybe i overdid it? no? yes?

so on saturday, to continue with my ongoing trend of self indulgence, i spent, yet again, an entire day sleeping, eating and watching mindless comedies on tv. this time, i had what's left of my rocky road ice cream, chocolate cookies, picnic ketchup fries and sinigang.

i am out of control. i will start eating right and I will clean my apartment and this is my last shopping spree for this year. i am not going to buy anything for myself until january. i swear.

i hope.

indulge

jingoy is turning three in two months. i can’t believe she’s just turning three… feels like she’s turning four… hehehe, which reminds me, if jingoy is turning three then jimmy is turning five, ready for nursery school. jingoy probably misses him and the rest of the gang. i’m sorry. i miss them too, you know.

i love saturdays. i know, it's a wednesday, but it's my saturday and this is my blog. anyway, i spent the entire day sleeping, eating and watching arrested development. had cheese cup cake, chocolate cups, blueberry cheesecake, baked spaghetti, beef taco and rocky road ice cream in my bed.

my clean laundry was set to be delivered later, along with my drinking water, so i put my feet up, lay on my bed ate till i couldn't and laughed my ass off. my favorite day.

final straw

who died and lifted you up to perfection?
~ final straw, r. e. m.

i don’t even know what to think anymore.

i have had enough.
i’m tired.
i’m fed up.
i’m pissed off.

sweet dreams

23 october 2006

had a strange dream last night. i was at enchanted kingdom with X. the place looked more like a train station than an amusement park, though. we were about to board the roller coaster, which in my dream, looked more like a slide, when i knew that X would die. i knew that he would fall off and die. and as soon as i sat on the slide, i was sure that i was going to jump off and die with him. so the ride started and soon enough, X fell off and died. i held on the train, went home, and locked myself up in my apartment. i curled up on my couch and hugged my knees as the world wondered if i knew that X was dead. i just sat there and listened, wondering why i was alive and he wasn’t, wondering why I held on to the train and didn’t go with him to die, wondering why i chose to live, knowing he will not be around, wondering why i wasn’t crying, why i wasn’t even sad… just wondering…

and that wasn’t even a nightmare.

at least that dream sort of made me forget the dream i had the night before. in that dream, billy corgan and james iha were sucking each other’s tongue off… ugh. still trying to shake that picture off of my tired head.

all boxed up

always on your side
~sheryl crow, wildflower

my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
but every now and then you come to mind
cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
but when your name was called, you found a place to hide
when you knew that I was always on your side

well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
but your demons and your angels reappeared
leavin' all the traces of the man you thought I'd be
leavin' me with no place left to go from
leavin' me so many questions all these years

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
how to pull it close and make it stay
butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
and I'm left to carry on and wonder why
even through it all, I'm always on your side

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
how to pull it close and make it stay
if butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
was it you that kept me wondering through this life
when you know that i was always on your side

suicidal imbecile

i want to go to enchanted kingdom and let that roller coaster hurl my body into the air for an entire day. i want to scream on top of my lungs and laugh till my face hurts. i want to have as much hotdogs and snow cones as i can.

“i just want to fly.
just you and i. together.”
~ high speed train
r. e. m., around the sun

aftermath

this is long overdue.

most people go home to a family, some go home to a child, a wife, a mother, a partner or a friend.

thursday night. i come home to pile of dirty dishes, probably a week old, a pile of clothes waiting to be pressed. and a stack of CD’s yet to be sorted or played. and jingoy sitting like a queen on top of everything.

been listening a lot to my own 90’s playlist lately. i think stipe finally found the light, hence the album around the sun. well good for him. if he was happy in shinny happy people, he discovered himself in automatic for the people, was a little lost in up, found his way back in reveal and finally, enlightened in around the sun. just can’t stop listening to that album and to sheryl crow’s wildflower. this is my favorite of all her albums… incidentally, it’s also the saddest.

i can listen to these two albums forever…

i guess, like michael stipe, i wanted to be wrong. unfortunately, like sheryl crow, i wasn’t.

tell me why

if i jumped into the ocean to believe.
if i climb a mountain would i have to reach?
do i even dare to speak? -- to dream? --believe?
give me a voice so strong
i can question what i have seen.

~around the sun
r. e. m. , around the sun

there's this guy. he thinks i’ll save him.

made me realize how easy it is to fall for someone who sees something good in you… even if you know that your heart wants someone else.

most of the time, what we want and what we need are two different things.

worst joke ever

spineless twat.

banana business

i was walking home the day after the storm, having ice cream, looking at the barrage of torn down properties the storm has left. i noticed the mangled banana trees on the vacant lot in font of my apartment. it was a satisfying realization as i chewed on the last of my ice cream cone... who would have thought they were actually growing the bananas there? i knew that one of my neighbors is a dealer/supplier of bananas. it took me three or four years, a storm and an ice cream cone to realize that the seemingly useless piece of land in font of my apartment is actually the foundation of a thriving banana business.

i guess sometimes, we only see the worth of some things when we look back at them after the storm. when we’ve become too familiar with some things, we have to back away a little to appreciate them… i guess sometimes… we have to see things after we’ve weathered the storm to erase the preconceptions we have… to see them as they really are. to see what they mean to our lives. to start over.

reminded me of the conversation we had during lunch. over lamb chops and chicken fillet, my aunt’s friend looked out the window and suddenly mentioned that things just seemed clearer after the storm. and as an afterthought, she said, "i guess that’s God’s promise to Noah."

rainbows, i thought.

“that’s rainbows”, my aunt added.

it’s true, after the storm comes the calm. the repose.

soon as i got home i started picking up the shards of broken glass which used to be my window. outside, everyone else is picking up the mess, coping with whatever they can make out of what’s left.

inside me, the storm is still raging like a madman on holiday. but i have faith in rainbows, i know the storm will end. and when it does, i’ll clean up the mess the storm has left. i will pick up the shards of broken glass, take out the trash, hang the wet rags to dry and i’ll grab my shades and face the sun. and when that happens, i know the sky will be clearer and bluer than ever. you’ll see.

lifeless dead

the cracks and lines from where you gave up
they make an easy man to read, oh
for all the times you let them bleed you
for little peace from God you plead, and beg
for little peace from God you plead

wake up young man, wake up, wake up

~ wake up
mad season



i had the longest episode of my long recurring sleeping paralyses this morning. this time, i didn’t even try to fight it. just went along. i thought, if i can’t move, then i won’t move. if i can’t breathe, then i won’t breathe. if this is how i’m going to die, then this is how it’s going to be.

this has been happening almost every day for a long time now. sometimes they happen several times in one night. and lately, i’ve been losing the will to fight it… so close to embracing that ugly fate…

the tragedy is that i still wake up every morning.

i’m still here. alive. and breathing. to mock you.