“what is crooked cannot be made straight, and what is lacking cannot be counted.”
ecclesiastes 1:15
when your friends are making things easier for you, you should just listen to them and do what they say. your friends only want the best for you. they have no selfish intentions, they just genuinely want you to be happy; to be well. so when I know that I’m not thinking clearly, I should just go along with them. after all, they are thinking clearly. and I am not.
but, the masochist that I am, I am taking the high road. or am I ?
is this one of those situations where giving up is harder than holding on?
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
a moon for the misbegotten
“therefore this iniquity shall be to you like a breach in a high wall,
bulging out, and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly in an instant;
and its breaking is like that of a potters vessel that is smashed so ruthlessly
that among its fragments not a shard is found with which to take fire from the hearth,
or to dig up water out of the cistern. “
Isaiah 30:13-14
did you see the moon last night? it was so thin and bright. the edges were so clear and sharp, it could have cut right through me like a knife. according to my ever reliable zire, it’s the first new moon of the year…
I did it. submitted my request to be transferred to a land so far away from here. finally. I hope I get transferred. and I hope it happens soon. it’s almost time to look for a new job and a new home anyway. might as well move to place that’s not here. this has gone on long enough.
I am ready.
bulging out, and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly in an instant;
and its breaking is like that of a potters vessel that is smashed so ruthlessly
that among its fragments not a shard is found with which to take fire from the hearth,
or to dig up water out of the cistern. “
Isaiah 30:13-14
did you see the moon last night? it was so thin and bright. the edges were so clear and sharp, it could have cut right through me like a knife. according to my ever reliable zire, it’s the first new moon of the year…
I did it. submitted my request to be transferred to a land so far away from here. finally. I hope I get transferred. and I hope it happens soon. it’s almost time to look for a new job and a new home anyway. might as well move to place that’s not here. this has gone on long enough.
I am ready.
Monday, January 22, 2007
detox
I want to run away. I want to go to a place so far from here and never go back…
Why don’t I?
The lady behind the spa’s counter asked me to choose an oil, pointing to the cardboard menu in front of me.
- therapeutic
- rejuvenating
- refreshing
- energizing
- anti stress
I wanted to ask her if they had an “enlightening” oil. I sure as hell could use a little enlightenment in my life right now, I thought.
So in my pursuit of enlightenment, I chose the Anti Stress oil. It was tall order that I get a massage or get out of town last weekend, or do something to calm my nerves and clear my mind. I knew that staying home watching TV the whole day was not going to be enough. I planned to go somewhere peaceful and quiet but I was running a fever, so traveling was out of the question. I needed to get this out of my system so I can move on and start doing the things I have to do…which, as of last count, were plenty.
I think I heard it from that movie, “crash”, that we miss the sense of touch so much that we crash into each other, just to we can feel something.
Hazel was a blessing. Her soft hands gliding though my oiled skin made me aware of every muscle, every curve, and every detail in my body. Every stroke forced my tired muscles to rest… giving just enough pressure, not too much that it hurt, and not too little that I didn’t feel anything… it wasn’t enlightening, but it felt so good, I didn’t mind being a mess.
If you suddenly feel the need to be held, to have someone’s weight press your body against a bed, have someone pay attention to every detail of your body… if you suddenly need to feel someone hold you like she meant it, or if you just need a break… a rest from everything but for some reason you can’t get away… or maybe if you need a little enlightenment… do what I did:
1. chose an oil
2. take your clothes off
3. and close your eyes.
Why don’t I?
The lady behind the spa’s counter asked me to choose an oil, pointing to the cardboard menu in front of me.
- therapeutic
- rejuvenating
- refreshing
- energizing
- anti stress
I wanted to ask her if they had an “enlightening” oil. I sure as hell could use a little enlightenment in my life right now, I thought.
So in my pursuit of enlightenment, I chose the Anti Stress oil. It was tall order that I get a massage or get out of town last weekend, or do something to calm my nerves and clear my mind. I knew that staying home watching TV the whole day was not going to be enough. I planned to go somewhere peaceful and quiet but I was running a fever, so traveling was out of the question. I needed to get this out of my system so I can move on and start doing the things I have to do…which, as of last count, were plenty.
I think I heard it from that movie, “crash”, that we miss the sense of touch so much that we crash into each other, just to we can feel something.
Hazel was a blessing. Her soft hands gliding though my oiled skin made me aware of every muscle, every curve, and every detail in my body. Every stroke forced my tired muscles to rest… giving just enough pressure, not too much that it hurt, and not too little that I didn’t feel anything… it wasn’t enlightening, but it felt so good, I didn’t mind being a mess.
If you suddenly feel the need to be held, to have someone’s weight press your body against a bed, have someone pay attention to every detail of your body… if you suddenly need to feel someone hold you like she meant it, or if you just need a break… a rest from everything but for some reason you can’t get away… or maybe if you need a little enlightenment… do what I did:
1. chose an oil
2. take your clothes off
3. and close your eyes.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
at last
i'm so happy. finally fixed this blog. hihihi. i almost started to create a new blog. so happy.
at last, A is done. finally. hope i wake up in time for work tomorrow at 5.
at last, A is done. finally. hope i wake up in time for work tomorrow at 5.
baby butatot.
I miss my mom.
The woman who sat beside me in the bus on my way home last night strangely reminded me of my mom. She didn’t look like my mom at all, save the teacher’s uniform and maybe if my mom is still alive, they’ll be about the same age. The only things that connected us were that we were both getting off at the same stop and that we were both equally spaced out.
And the way she smiled. It was the creases near the corner of her eyes that caught me for a few seconds before I was able to answer her question. She could have been my mom. She had a warm, sensitive smile that I would guess only mothers can give their daughters.
If my mom was here, she’ll let me cry the whole day. She’ll stroke my back and let me cry until i fall asleep. And when I wake up, she’ll be there, her eyes, just as puffy as mine. She wouldn’t tell me that things will be better soon enough… just that she’ll always be there. And I wouldn’t have any doubt that she will be. And it would have been enough.
She wouldn’t tell me that I was stupid to have let things happen the way they did, she’ll understand. And she’ll tell me stories of how I loved writing letters to her. How I always messed up her garden, but it was okay because she loves waking up with the cut flowers beside her bed. She’ll tell me how I drove her and my grandma crazy because I loved playing under the sun until my skin gets burned. And how I always come home with a collection of bugs, dragon flies, butterflies and spiders…. And how that drove my brother crazy.
She’ll tell me of that summer when I got myself so fat from eating dilis and Indian mango every afternoon under the mango tree, until I fall asleep on the “papag”. She’ll tell me how I loved to laugh and sing and write letters to everyone… how I hated playing patintero because I was too darn slow… how I almost never cried… and how I snore like a pig. We’ll laugh about them, then I’ll cry again, and she’ll hold me close and she’ll tell me to rest my heart... and i'll know that everything will be fine.
The woman who sat beside me in the bus on my way home last night strangely reminded me of my mom. She didn’t look like my mom at all, save the teacher’s uniform and maybe if my mom is still alive, they’ll be about the same age. The only things that connected us were that we were both getting off at the same stop and that we were both equally spaced out.
And the way she smiled. It was the creases near the corner of her eyes that caught me for a few seconds before I was able to answer her question. She could have been my mom. She had a warm, sensitive smile that I would guess only mothers can give their daughters.
If my mom was here, she’ll let me cry the whole day. She’ll stroke my back and let me cry until i fall asleep. And when I wake up, she’ll be there, her eyes, just as puffy as mine. She wouldn’t tell me that things will be better soon enough… just that she’ll always be there. And I wouldn’t have any doubt that she will be. And it would have been enough.
She wouldn’t tell me that I was stupid to have let things happen the way they did, she’ll understand. And she’ll tell me stories of how I loved writing letters to her. How I always messed up her garden, but it was okay because she loves waking up with the cut flowers beside her bed. She’ll tell me how I drove her and my grandma crazy because I loved playing under the sun until my skin gets burned. And how I always come home with a collection of bugs, dragon flies, butterflies and spiders…. And how that drove my brother crazy.
She’ll tell me of that summer when I got myself so fat from eating dilis and Indian mango every afternoon under the mango tree, until I fall asleep on the “papag”. She’ll tell me how I loved to laugh and sing and write letters to everyone… how I hated playing patintero because I was too darn slow… how I almost never cried… and how I snore like a pig. We’ll laugh about them, then I’ll cry again, and she’ll hold me close and she’ll tell me to rest my heart... and i'll know that everything will be fine.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
this is the last time...
Angels Or Devils
- dishwalla : opalline
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside
I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see
still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us
if I was to give in - give it up-
and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
- dishwalla : opalline
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside
I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see
still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us
if I was to give in - give it up-
and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
Monday, January 15, 2007
berserk
like its author and its favorite subject, this blog is all screwed up. I don’t know what happened, but the line breaks went berserk and I can’t fix it. Dang. I don’t want to create another blog. But I can’t continue with this screwed up blog. And I’m still trying to figure out if it’s even worth editing my previous posts. Or transfer them to a new one or just plain start somewhere else…
the flower on the hill...
M sent me this forwarded email sometime ago. I didn't finish reading it because it hit so close to home... but it's nice, really ... made me think. again.
Here is the story for those lost the sense of romance in their live....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before,has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy.My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce."Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table nearthe front door, that goes....
My dear,"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.."This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautifulsand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.... flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship.Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... and that's our life.. . Love, not words win arguments...
Here is the story for those lost the sense of romance in their live....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before,has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy.My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce."Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table nearthe front door, that goes....
My dear,"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.."This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautifulsand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.... flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship.Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... and that's our life.. . Love, not words win arguments...
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
alive 2007
this is my favorite picture from that wolfgang/razorback concert i’ve waited for for a long time. it was stupid of me not to set my camera beforehand, so the result was… well… a lot of really lousy pictures. how can i even think of saving up to buy a freaking SLR camera when i can’t even set a digicam, a very simple digicam, right? o well. at least, i take better pictures than X. that guy has the audacity to want to take up photography when he can’t even take a freaking picture. i swear, he’s hopeless. and i’m not saying this to put him down, but really! i thought he’ll learn a thing or two from that photography book i got him last Christmas, but seriously, he can’t take a picture for crap.
he managed to screw up the three most important pictures for me that night. first, my picture with velasco was unbelievably blurred. second, legarda’s eyes were almost closed (not X’s fault, but i want to blame him for everything that went wrong that night, so… ), third, he made artadi look gay. what the hell was that about?
he managed to screw up the three most important pictures for me that night. first, my picture with velasco was unbelievably blurred. second, legarda’s eyes were almost closed (not X’s fault, but i want to blame him for everything that went wrong that night, so… ), third, he made artadi look gay. what the hell was that about?
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
eulogy
“Did you really leave me again? After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window, listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return? for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you. A whole lifetime I've been waiting. I can't believe you're not coming back. I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting..."
~ eulogy
~ eulogy
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