say “cheese”!

“Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered,
but a maze of passages,
through which we must seek our way,
lost and confused, now and again
checked in a blind alley.


But always, if we have faith,
a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves
would have thought of,
but one that will ultimately
prove good for us"

~ aj cronin

high

~ the speaks

Will it ever be?
I’ve tried so hard to find sweet serenity
Are you still afraid?
Just close your eyes and dream, and feel it fade away.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

It’s taken some time,
And I’ve given up the will to change your state of mind
Try and understand,
It’s not so hard to see that I am just a man.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

Will it ever be?
I’ve tried so hard to find sweet serenity
Try and understand,
It’s not so hard to see that I am just a man.

Time won’t flow, everyone knows
When the pain fades away
And dreams won’t die, with tears in our eyes
You’ve got to hold your head up high…

i searched the web for the lyrics of this song, curious as to how they would spell out the “ye-he-yehey” part. Most of the lyrics i found ignored it altogether but some transcribed it as “yeah, yeah, yeah” and interestingly enough, one site spelled it as “ye… yey”. as i browsed, i read this comment about the song..

“Forgive and forget…it could be the imperfections of the guy but what hit home is it can be construed in a situation wherein a boyfriend or a husband wandered away from the relationship then finally realized that it is their original girl or wife that they really love and is trying to find ways to ease the pain they have caused.”

i was intrigued. hmm… never really paid attention to the song except for the part where the vocalist says “ye-he-yehey”. the song was playing last night at the gym when i accidentally punched my trainer’s ear. now, after reading the lyrics… i guess it takes on a new meaning.

come to think of it, if led zep can pump me up for a workout. mushy songs can do twice as much. and i mean the really mushy, tacky break up songs, like the ones martin nievera and regine velasquez revive. you know, songs like one last cry and heaven knows. those kind of songs. yesterday, with “hard habit to break” playing in the background, i felt like i had enough energy to punch the daylights out of my trainer for hours. he had to take pain killers to dull the impact of each blow.

that’s why i love working out so much, you can take out your frustrations on a bag filled with sand or on your naughty trainer.

i almost fainted yesterday. i really should try to get more rest. and i should eat something a few hours before working out. i almost fainted just after doing my laps then i remembered that i only had one meal the entire day. it would have been so embarrassing if i did.

i have to come up with something. i barely sleep, even with wine and prescription medicine… i need to rest, but i have to lose weight too. it’s almost time to go to hongkong. and soon, it’ll be time for boracay. i need to power through this. mind over matter. mind over heart.

oh, and today’s the day. moment of truth, I. this is it. moment of truth.

moment of truth, now that’s a workout song. hehe.

missing

~beck, guero

I prayed heaven today
Would bring its hammer down on me
And pound you out of my head
I can't think with you in it

I dragged all that I owned
Down a dirt road to find you
My shoes worn out and used
They can't take me much farther

Something always takes the place
Of missing pieces
You can take and put together even though
You know there's something missing

The sun burned a hole in my roof
I can't seem to fix it
I hope the rain doesn't come
And wash me down the gutter

She rides in a car like a queen on a card
And the guns of her mind aim a line
Straight at mine to a heart that was broke
Tried to feel but got choked in the smoke of
A desert

A beach with no leisure a night that's so blue
Feed the aching in you and the background
Birds take a flight from the earth
Where the bonfire burns and the night
Current turns on a lifeboat floating
Down a river of sleep

I can't see her hollow eyes
I'm walkin along with my boots full of rocks
I can't believe these tears were mine
I'll give them to you to put away in a box

Something always takes the place of
Missing pieces you can take and put
Together even though
You know there's something missing
Something always missing always
Someone missing something

rediscovering beck

i love beck. i just can’t stop listening to guero… it’s just so easy to listen to this album and the more i listen to it, the more it takes a hold on me. while some of the songs prompted me to nod my head and want to dance… some songs made me want to draw the shades in my room, turn of the lights, curl under a warm blanket and… bask in my loneliness instead of hiding it with tears…

that’s what i love about beck. when he’s a slacker… he’s a slacker. when he’s crazy, he’s just crazy. when he’s funky and hip, he’s just really funky and hip. and when he’s sad… he’s so unbelievably sad but still hip and funky. his voice is heavy yet so easy to listen to.

i just love beck.

i did get my hair done. although it didn’t really make much of a difference. i ruined my hair. and it sucks. i can’t wait till i get rid of my rebonded hair. i even checked out some wigs over the weekend. okay. so it’s not so bad. in fact, if you didn’t see my hair before you would say that my hair looks perfectly fine, but it’s not. it’s dry. brittle. and it has a dent where the rebonded hair ends and the untreated hair starts… and i don’t like the color. really. i specifically asked for a darker shade but i got this straw like color and texture. damn.

enough about hair.

i also got that pair of strappy silver sandals. and the pair i got were studded with rhinestones. they look nice and flirty but i they are definitely not made for walking. just a few steps and the straps fall apart. i wish my PC at home is working right. if it were, i’ll post pictures of the sandals and my dress and everything else. even my split ends.

so i attended that wedding. that morning, i had to be at work at 2am and i went to the gym the day before so when i woke up at midnight to get ready for my shift, my body ached all over. especially my arms and legs. i was worried i wont be able to wear my silver sandals because my legs felt like they were ready to just fall apart. but i got through it. mind over matter.

i wore that v-neck black dress i got from plains and prints. again, if my PC is working, i’ll be able to post a picture of the dress. it looked like a big gift. it was black with grey, white and blue trims at the hem. the blue straps cross at the back to make a big bow . i love that dress. it’s simple. and easy. but pretty. not complicated at all. which i hope everything else to be.

the wedding was nice. although it became a tad too sentimental for me towards the end. but it was fun and i guess romantic in some ways. again, it became too romantic for me towards the end. i wish B and C a very happy life together. they looked so cute and happy and right.

i was supposed to go out with some friends from the office after the wedding. but it didn’t push through, which was a good thing, now that i think about it.

i am addicted to boxing. i should have done this years ago.

breathe

i am stressed out. i told myself that one of the things i should change is that i shouldn’t try to do so many things at once. i should try to simplify and allocate time for rest. but that hasn’t been happening. it’s crazy here at work. more emotionally than physically. and it’s exhausting. well. i’m off to find a new pair of strappy silver sandals or maybe get my hair done.

finally i can rest. for now.

the reign of the valkyrie

I guess I can go anywhere I want. If only I knew where to go.
~Layne Staley

this year is the year i travel and spend all my money. not that i have much.

my brother and i are going to hong kong at the end of February. That’s why i’m holding off on looking for a new job for a few months. you should see our itinerary… it’s so packed, you’d think it’s for the amazing race. i’m excited coz i’ve never been to hongkong and my brother prepared a lot of really nice stuff for the trip. we are going to stay there for a week. yup, seven days. i just hope i still have a job when i get back.

by april, my cousins from denmark and some of their friends will be coming here. they are set to go to boracay, bohol, hidden valley, tagaytay and vigan. i told A i probably wont be able to join them the entire trip. i still have to work and i wont have enough money to travel that much. he said it’s ok, as long as i join them at bora, vigan and don’t’ forget his luau themed bday party. of course, i won’t forget that party. i’ve been spending hours at the gym preparing for that.

my friends and i are also going to bora. mid-may, we’re going there. we are going to have a blast. the sun, the sand… the parties, the booze… the bathing suits… i can’t wait.

where to next? i don’t know.

of course, i don't expect to still have a job by may. i just hope i get a new job soon after all these… so i can do it again next year!

spattered apartment

years ago, i can’t remember when, before X and i moved to that apartment on 3rd st, and after we moved out of mang roger’s apartment, we briefly stayed at this apartment on, if i remember right, it was on 9th st. it was a small, dark apartment. the walls weren’t painted and there was no window in the bedroom. during the first few days we stayed there… we had visions of grandeur. X came up with some drawings for the place, we were going to have the place painted and we were going to knock down the bedroom wall.

the owner didn’t allow us to tear the concrete walls down so we just painted the place ourselves instead of hiring someone to paint it. we didn’t finish painting the apartment. some of the walls were spattered with paint strokes going every which way. it looked like an unfinished kindergarten paint project.

then we left. we found a new place, with painted walls, a window and a terrace. we took our bags (some of which were never unpacked) and left. we didn’t even bother with our deposit money. we just left and through the rush, i managed to leave a bag of garbage inside the apartment and locked the keys inside…

for years i’ve feared bumping into our landlady. i was afraid she’ll scream my head off if she sees me. so everytime we saw a dark, heavyset curly haired woman, we’ll panic, thinking it was her. it was never her.

until the other day. i just froze. i knew it was her because she was with her son, who i distinctly remember coz i thought he was gay. i panicked. but i just froze. i knew i should run the other way but i couldn’t. it seemed like my legs were suddenly stapled to the ground and i was paralyzed.

and she just looked past me. no sign of the slightest recognition from either mother or son.

see… it is true. it’s not always as bad as we picture it will be.

the game

love has its limits
~ grey’s anatomy

from now on, i will TRY not to talk about how i feel. no sense trying to analyze my feelings when they don’t matter, right? from now on. i don’t feel anything. i’m a rock. i’m dead inside.

i will divert my time and attention to music. clothes. shoes. bags. vacations. parties and money. superficial stuff. things that don’t really matter to me. but heck, they will matter to me now. even as i type this i know that this is not who i am. but who knows? maybe this is what i should be. being who i am didn’t work. it just made me sad and alone… and defeated. maybe this time, i can just stop caring and win.

i’m exhausted. i don’t want to feel anymore.

bad ass

which came first, music or the misery?
~ high fidelity

J is a bitch. he didn’t show up yesterday. i was so pissed off that his face was neatly plastered on the receiving end of my punches, instead of X, my regular mainstay. half the time, i don’t really understand what he says. i just pretend i do. i guess this was what he was trying to tell me last week, that he can’t make it monday afternoon. i just didn’t get it. or as usual, i wasn’t paying much attention.

don’t think i’ve ever hit anything that hard before. J is a bitch, in the only way guys can be bitches. he better be there tomorrow or there’ll be hell to pay.

know what makes me feel awfully depressed that it feels good? layne staley. that man’s voice just does it for me. my only friend during bleak times. when i’m downtrodden and lonely, he pulls me further down. and man it feels… good. listening to him is the only good thing that comes from all this loneliness.

hey, hey. before i start going all mushy again and forget… i have decided that i am going back to being bad ass.

no more wearing my heart on my sleeve. no more warmth. no more compassion. no more patience. i’m toughing this out. i’ll be ruthless. i’ll be cold as hell.

i can totally do this.

a good fight

What do you do?

so…. there are two guys. let’s call them A and B. You are inlove with A. you want to be with him. you enjoy being with him, you have fun, you make each other laugh and he makes you weak in the knees. there’s chemistry. you have so much in common. and you are in love with him. thing is… he doesn’t talk. he doesn’t like discussing relationship things. you don’t know where the hell you stand. you don’t know if he’s inlove with you or if he likes you or if he’s seeing someone else. you don’t know anything. and it’s been that way for quite some time now and he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to shed some light to the questions you no longer ask because you just end up crying whenever you do.

then there’s B. he wants to marry you. you don’t know that much about him but he’s willing to share everything with you. everything. he’s nice. and he loves you. you know, somehow, that he’ll be a great father to your kids. but you don’t feel anything for him. you are not attracted to him… and you don’t really know that much about him… and somehow you know that you won’t feel much for him even after you get to know him. he doesn’t excite you. but he can give you everything you’ve ever wanted. and then some. love, security, a family, houses, cars, kids…. the whole package. you know that you and your future kids will be well taken care of. he can give you everything you’ve ever wanted… except that he's not who you want... he’s not A. and you're not inlove with him...

what would you do? what would you do?

Go.

coz i don’t know what i should know

“I'll get a pen and make a list
And give you my analysis
But I can't write this story
With a happy ending
Was I the bullet or the gun
Or just a target drawn upon
A wall that you decided
Wasn't worth defending?”

~ aimee mann
The Forgotten Arm


maybe that’s why we’re still here.

or maybe not. maybe he really left years ago and i still couldn’t. maybe. who knows. no one knows coz no one speaks. and i wont be the one to do it this time. i’m done talking. i’m done wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time.

it’s my turn to be the cold, indifferent bitch.

besides… i have faith i’ll have something like that again. i know it’s a long shot to ask for something twice when some people don’t even get it once. but i have to have faith that it’ll happen. maybe it’ll be even better. and who knows? maybe it’ll still be him.

it’s a long shot. i know.

moondance

pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. - dag hammarskjold

i was casually hanging out with my friends, having coffee when my “out-there-looking-for-new-cheese” world fell apart. you know one of those moments when a great realization dawns upon you, when the answer to the puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for a long time suddenly falls on your lap like a warm blanket in a cold night, or a warm bath after a long day?

And then it just craps all over your face. suddenly, your tiny little world falls apart. you start to feel dizzy as everything around you spins out of control. you breathe deeper and you hold on to your seat, hoping to suppress the nausea. you get that heavy feeling and you think the only way to feel lighter is by hurling everything you ate the past week. nothing feels real. or right.

something wrong? your friends ask.

now, where do you begin?

so you’re out there… confident. sure about your decision. it was time to go out there for new cheese. then shit happens. (excuse my language, hehe)

when we’re not talking about make up, clothes and shoes, we talk about work, and when we’re not talking about the disappointments in our workplace, we talk about our disappointments in men.

i’d like to think of myself as someone who has a pretty realistic view on love and relationships. but i don’t know what cave i was living in the past couple of years because i just realized that many people actually don’t get married to someone they love. it was like a punch on the face when reality sunk in and i found out that many people marry out of comfort and security and some marry just because they really just want to settle down. they look for someone to settle with, not necessarily someone they love. isn’t that sad?

no one else seemed surprise. i really can’t imagine spending my life and raising a family with someone i just like. i couldn’t understand how they can’t see my point when i said i just can’t see myself spending my whole life with someone i can’t talk to. someone who i can’t laugh and joke around with. someone i can’t spend those quiet little moments. “not everyone finds their soul mate”, they told me. not everyone ends up with their best friend, not everyone ends up with the love of their life. some are just afraid to be alone and they marry the closest person willing to take that move with them. many people just settle. that’s why it’s called settling down. in fact not everyone gets what you and X had. not everyone falls in love the way you and X did. some live and die without being in a truly loving and happy relationship.

now why would she say that? how will reminding me how good the relationship was help me move on?

there comes a time in a person’s life when they just want to lead a peaceful, meaningful life and raise a family. it’s human nature. the lucky ones get to raise that family with their one true love, the one they truly are happy with. the rest settles for the closest match.

well, that’s just sad, no… that’s just reality. well, reality sucks.

what kind of life would it be when security and companionship is more important than happiness? how could you spend the rest of your life with someone you barely know? how could you marry someone and hope to learn to love that person afterwards? what if you don’t?

“it’s so easy to give up on someone you don't love. maybe that’s why two years after you guys broke up, you and X are still where you are right now. “

i didn’t tell them that i haven’t talked to X for days. and he hasn’t tried to reach me since. that sinking feeling that draws all your strength settled in my stomach and i felt like crying hysterically. did i just lose my soul mate? my best friend? the person i’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with? my perfect match?

yeah. what we had was special. it was beautiful. it felt right. it felt good. we even referred to the early times we spent together as magic. but what is magic, anyway? it’s nothing but an illusion. an illusion not many people get to experience, it turns out.

but we took all that for granted and now he’s no longer here. he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. he’s not in-love with me anymore. what the hell am i supposed to do? i did what i should do.. which is to let him go.

yes, we were a good match, we were best friends, we were that one true thing, the perfect fit, it was comfortable yet passionate. mature but fun. of course, there were a lot of tears and disappointments and pain, but there was so much more fun. there was so much laughter. so much happiness. so much joy. so much love.

always love.

now i finally see what X meant when he said that we were lucky to have found each other.

he was right. we were lucky.

so damn.

float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

i should have known. boxing is a dance. and i’m not good at dancing at all. i am the most uncoordinated person i know. i shouldn’t even take this seriously because i don’t plan to join tournaments and go all “rocky” anytime soon… but since i’m doing this and i enjoy boxing, i want to be good at it.

Ah who cares, at least now, i know i can throw a mean punch. i may not float like a butterfly, but hell, i can sting like a bee.

my tornado is resting

i went to the spa yesterday. i figured i needed to take on a new perspective in my life and maybe just sort things out a little. my life has been one small clutter after another and i needed to straighten things out. and yes, i needed to go to the spa to figure things out.

i realized that, at a glance, my life is just a series of ways to spend my hard earned money. ok, ok, not hard earned, just my money. i looked at my checklists, my to do lists, etc. and i realized that i don’t really have any goals or plans. all i had were things to buy and errands to run and places to see. take out the trash. get that pair of black pumps. see led zep thingy at the galleria. get new foo fighters cd. buy memory card for PC. get DSL. go to hongkong. get an ipod. get a new watch. and then what? lose weight. go to boracay. then go to vigan. then what? go back to boracay.

then what?

i don’t know… save money and think of other ways to spend that money? i should be ashamed at how shallow my life is. no depth. no meaning. just shit.

how the hell did i end up here?

i can’t see a future. not even a checklist for my future. darn. maybe i don’t have one.

when you’re with someone who you believed will share the rest of his life with you, it’s so easy to see a future. a car. a house. a wedding. a husband. kids. a family. a home. happiness… i can go on and on…

but when all you have is a fat teddy bear, it’s hard to see anything. hard to see beyond that trip, beyond that ipod, beyond that watch… beyond all the shallow shit that is my life.

all i see is a whir of nothing. like the visualizations when you play music using your windows media player. a sea of a spinning, spiraling nothing.

maybe i should just jump off a cliff or something. how the hell did i get here?

i am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection

other things i learned recently:

i learned that playing led zep while you work out will keep you going till your arms and legs fall off. and looking at pictures of other people running while you’re on the track doesn’t motivate anyone at all.

i learned that tall guys don’t go to the gym. they say one way to meet new guys is by joining a gym. i didn’t take up boxing to meet new guys. i just really wanted an outlet for my aggression and to lose all the weight i gained by taking my “yes i’m over you, i’ve recovered and moved on” aggression on food and sleep. but you just can’t help but wonder… why are they all short and stocky? well… who cares? i’m just glad they don’t smell like armpits.

e m p t y

things i learned recently:

i learned that at 5am led zep is too early while madonna is just right. but at 6pm, crazy for you is just too damn early. and sober, i might add.

i learned that seeing a child’s lifeless body at the side of the highway after a horrendous accident alters the way one feels about a highway, the sound of screeching tires and even the sound of a vehicle horn.

i learned this morning that i'm still scared shit of sleeping through a typhoon, the sound of rain slapping against my tin roof.

and i learned that i have to see fight club every 3 months to keep my head off the freaking clouds.

Narrator: [as he holds a gun to his mouth] Do something for me.
Tyler Durden: What?
Narrator: Appreciate something.
Tyler Durden: What?
Narrator: Look at me...
Tyler Durden: What?
Narrator: My eyes are open.

how?

“It looks like rain again today, dark clouds gather, fill the sky. Don’t know how to talk to you, just know how to say goodbye.”

~ children see

end of an anchor

this old wound
~ dashboard confessional

Well I've been bleeding well from this old wound,
Cleaning it with salt so it will still feel new.
Sometimes eyes turn black,
And sometimes scars are tracks.
But everytime you're gone i wish that you'd come back.
And everyone watched me waste myself,
Everyone cheered at last.
All of them found it comforting,
It's better it's me..than them.
I think I’m doing well from what they say,
They’ve taken both my belt and shoelaces away.
Well I believe in luck,
I think I do.
Well I believe for sure
If ever I saw you.
I’ve been fanning flames from these old coals,
Feeding them with tender,
And hoping they will grow.
And I’ve been savoring
What I can’t hold,
A blind belief in goodness
That doesn’t seem to show.
I’ve been bleeding well,
From this old wound.
Cleaning it with salt,
So it will still feel new..

unforgiven

the last bus.
the last train.
the last day of the year.
and that sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that said something was over.
last goodbye.
only, no goodbyes were said. but the air was heavy with a somewhat unexpected and unspoken conclusion.