don’t dare me to breathe.

will the rain ever stop?

and I don’t just mean the water condensed from atmospheric vapor and falling in drops… you know what I mean.

... do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? it doesn't actually kill you. like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. it should. when someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "i never loved you," it should kill you instantly. you shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know ... ~ under the tuscan sun

i am a wreck.

i’m supposed to be on vacation right now. what the fuck is wrong with me? why the hell can’t I just leave???

my life hurts so much. I hurt so much.

how can living hurt this much? Even breathing hurts. They said an average person takes around 30,000 breaths per day. There’s no way I can live this way, when breathing feels like a stab in the heart with a dull knife. Over and over and over with each breath. An average of 30,000 times a day.

how do you live? How do you even wake up knowing that even breathing will hurt so much?

how could he not be sorry for what he did? How could he just go on living as if I didn’t happen? how could he not hurt? How could he not love? How could he breathe and not hurt?

how could he not miss me? How could he not miss our jingoy? How could he not miss our home?how could his life still be complete without me? how could his days be right without me? how could he wake up knowing I’m not going to be part of his day? His life? How could I not have left a void in his life? How could he smile? How could he?

what did I ever do the last 5 years? What was I, really? Was I the substitute person while he waited for the friends he didn’t have? Was I the substitute girl while he waited for the right girl? How could anyone be that mean? How could anyone do that and not be sorry? Not be sorry he hurt the person who’s loved him and who’s been there for him the last five years?

how could he not be sorry? How could I have loved a monster and never saw it? how could I have loved a coward? How could I have been scared to hurt him?

how could he just let go of us? How could he not fight for me and everything we had? How could he have been so weak? How could he have given up so easily? How could he just let things happen? why couldn’t he fight for us? Has he ever really fought for anything in his life? What the hell was the last five years? What the hell was I the last five years? His fucking whore? His fucking maid? How come I never got paid?!

no wonder I feel so betrayed. So used.

and he’s not even sorry for it… for leaving me. for using me, for hurting me. for betraying me. for being weak, for not being strong for us. He’s not even sorry for not sharing himself with me…

how could he not be sorry?

how could he know everything about me, every secret, every thought, every tear, every heart ache, and not share any of his?

how could you not be sorry you hurt your best friend more than anyone in the world ever did?

how could he not care? I thought that was all he had for me… so where is it?

how could he not have looked for reasons to stay? why didn’t he try to save us?

was it because he’s a coward? He’ll never fight for anyone. Not me, not his family, not even his own child.

and I think I know how we lasted for five fucking years… because for a good four years, he didn’t have anybody else. He didn’t have friends, he didn’t have anyone and I was the only one who cared to share my life with him. So when he started meeting other people who were, of course, by default easier to deal with, he bails out on me. he bails out on us. Why the hell would he need to stay, anyway? He needed them more than he needed me… he needed his job… he needed to be around them… he needed to fit in… he needed the money.

for five years, it was the easy thing to do. It was the easiest thing to be. It was just so convenient to stay. but when things got rough, and the easiest thing to do was leave, that’s exactly what he does… he bails out.

that’s just how he is, I guess, when he finds people who he needs to deal with, he leaves the ones who’ve been there for him… he does that to all his friends, his friends from high school, friends from college, ex girlfriends… how could I have not seen it coming?

just how stupid was i? how could I have loved him? How could I have believed he actually wanted to grow old with me? how could I have believed he actually wanted to share his life with me? he never told me. he never said he wanted to. whatever happened to forever? He never mentioned forever… why the hell did I believe?

how could God know he will give me so much to cry about and make it so painful for me to shed tears?

how could God let the father of my child be a man who wasn’t in love with me, knowing full well that a family, a family is all I really want in this life?

i am almost ashamed I loved this guy. And for five fucking years I believed, no, forced myself to believe that he loved me too. That God gave him to me to help me get through. But you know what? I was always alone. Now that I think about it, I was always alone.

of course, I don’t mean the half of what I said today. Of course, I’m angry. Of course, I’m not being fair. But tell me, is this fair?

and how is it that in spite all these… I still love him? How could a smart girl like me be so stupid?

how is it that even though he’s not sorry at all, I still pray that he’ll be there when I get home every single day?

love means never having to say you’re sorry... ~ love story

what...

when you’re told to slow down, they usually mean really slow down and take a rest. Take a day off… sleep for a whole day… you know… just rest. They told me to slow down, but as usual, I didn’t listen.

The next day after I got home from the hospital, I went out with my friends again. I promise I meant to slow down. But it was the birthday celebration of three of my friends, there’s no way I’m not going to be there.

But of course, after the celebration wrapped up, I went clubbing. Got home around 5 in the morning, and I haven’t had a decent sleep or rest since. And that was… two weeks ago?

The next two weeks don’t look like I’m going to get some real rest or even a day off. I can’t afford to be sick again. Especially now that it looks like I’m going to need to save up.

I’m scared. Shoot. What if I am?

the things we do to the people that we love

The People That We Love (Speed Kills)
artist: Bush
album: Golden State

Speed kills coming down the mountain
Speed kills coming down the street
Speed kills with presence of mind and
Speed kills if you know what I mean
Got to feel - woke up inside again
Got to feel less broke more fixed
Got to feel when I got outside myself
Got to feel when I touched your lips
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something we can't take
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some time
I wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee

How's it feel she's coming up roses
How's it feel she's coming up sweet
How's it feel when it's all in spite of you
How's it feel when she's out of your reach
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something in the way
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some timeI wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee
What happened to you

The things we do
To the people that we love
The things we do
To the people that we
That we love

rain on my bed

does it rain on your bed?

I was watching rockstar: supernova last Thursday night when the rain poured so hard, my ceiling started to leak and it started to rain on my bed.

One of the contestants talked about his passion for music and how he left everything behind to pursue his passion. He reminded me of suzie, one of the contestants last year who stage dove her way to desperation. I remember telling X that it was sad coz I didn’t know what the hell I was desperate for. X said he thinks I’m desperate for a house. See, that’s where you’re wrong, X.

I wasn’t desperate for a house.

I was desperate for a home.

I was desperate for you.

the wounded healer.

bad headache.

Is there such a thing as a good headache? Anyway, this one’s really bad. Was it the three cups of coffee or C’s stale cigarette? Sudden bouts of vertigo don’t help either.

I’m almost done with my eight day work week but so far away from a day’s rest. i feel like I haven’t had a break since… when? The start of June? May?

who am I fooling anyway?

If I don’t slow down I’m going to get really sick. But if I do slow down, I know I’m going to get sick too… sick in the head. Sick in the heart.

guess what i would rather be.

besides, I can’t slow down now, even if I wanted to. There are too many people who need me to be there for them… too many people to help heal… sometimes, I want to tell them, that hey, I need to heal too… coz… in case you forgot…

behind the smiles,

behind the laughter,

my heart is bleeding too.

. . .

miss X.

so much.

last night

Man, you oughta finish what you started
You can't leave me here alive
Well I know it started as a fist fight
But you've got me covered up in hives...
when all this indecision reigns
It's your aimlessness that helps me see straight.
~ laughing out loud
The Wallflowers
Bringing Down the Horse

Last night, I was supposed to go home early, clean up the mess that is my apartment and think about that life changing decision I had to make. But instead of going straight home, I went out with my friends again. I could easily have refused, went home and decided once and for all what to do with my life. But I didn’t.

And I was out really late. I didn’t realize how late it was until I woke up in the bus on my home.

I asked for an extension this morning. D is getting really impatient with me.

How do you make that life changing decision, anyway? How to you chose to live another way and just ditch the other? Much as the opportunity seems really really good, I’m finding it hard to leave. I can’t leave my life here just yet. I guess I’m having too much fun.

This is the first time I’ve been single in my adult life and it is fun. Yeah, it can get lonely sometimes… nah… it’s mostly fun. Hahaha.

It’s like after five years, humankind is welcoming me back. Asking where the hell I’ve been, coz they’ve been waiting for me to share my life with them. That’s why I can’t leave just now.

And besides, I want to leave when I’m ready. I’m sure there’ll be other opportunities. There are just too many things that I still have to do here, finish here, settle here… Because once I leave, there’ll be no turning back.

So, I guess that’s my decision, huh?

D will be so mad.