some time...

The doctor said, “you’re going to be in pain for some time”

Define “some time”.

Is it a week? A month? A year? Five? Ten ?

Will I even live long enough to know life without it?


“What does a scanner see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does it see into me? Into us? Clearly or darkly? I hope it sees clearly because I can't any longer see into myself. I see only murk. I hope for everyone's sake the scanners do better, because if the scanner sees only darkly the way I do, then I'm cursed and cursed again.” - a scanner darkly

213

Shades are drawn
No one out can see
What I've done
What's become of me
Here I stand
Above all thats been true
How I love
How I love to kill you

~ 213 : Slayer : Divine Intervention

Take a lesson from the strangeness that you feel.

Bad day. Woke up with a terrible sore throat and a fever.

Okay. So in the spirit of St. Valentine’s Day…. (yeah, right)

When you were younger you were made to believe that more than anything, love is a feeling. Something you can’t control. Something you don’t have a say over. But it seems, over the years, that it’s not. As you grow older, you realize that love, ultimately, is a decision. Feelings fade. Love shouldn’t.

At the end of the day, we choose who we love. We choose who we come home to. We choose who we take care of. We choose who we allow to take care of us. We choose who we wake up in the morning with. We choose who we share our life with. We choose who we don’t give up on. We choose who we stick with.

When I was seven, in an attempt to make me understand what love is, a very intelligent woman told me that love is something you have to give everyday to make it stick.

It is a conscious decision to “make it stick.” a deliberate and intentional effort to make it work… every single day.

We make decisions everyday, some more important than others. It’s just sad that we often leave the most important decision of our lives to chance.

monday blues

Monday morning, sitting on my couch, weighing up my life… after almost an hour, I hadn't come up with anything new. Still the same goals. Still the same M.O. except I decided that I need a new bag. A new pair of shades. A new bathing suit. And I need to find a pair of high top chuck taylors in hot pink.

Hmmm...

8 easy steps

been listening to alanis morissette’s “the collection” album lately. excluding the songs from her “jagged little pill” album, i’ve grown to like some of the songs like simple together, everything, 8 easy steps, hands clean and princess familiar. she really is the queen of break up albums. i recommend her music to every girl who’s nursing a broken heart. I’m not saying that I’m broken hearted right now… it’s more like double jeopardy; you can’t be accused of the same crime twice.

someone in the rain

"i know there are days when you feel that your heart is broken again... well, you know why? coz instead of moving on and walking forward, you hurt yourself by looking back."

the thing with the Forget Me Not’s in my garden is that they don’t forget. they don’t die. they cling on to every last drop of water, to every last carbon dioxide they can breathe, to every ray of sunlight. i’ve given up on them so many times in the past, but when i’m ready to uproot them and throw them away… a small bud appears at the end of a withering stem.

now, the problem with me, is that i always look back. they say that the hardest part about moving forward is not looking back. and it really is. especially with me.

i looked back when D got off the bus and I didn’t.

i looked back after my brother and I went in opposite directions after visiting my mom’s grave yesterday. I hardly get to spend time with my brother. the cemetery was as good a place as any to talk but it was cut short because the cemetery was closing for the day. and looking back at brother as he walked home made me realize that I wasn’t going home to a family. something was wrong. this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I was going home to a stuffed bear, to 6 parakeets who can’t even like each other enough to breed, to a goldfish who, just like me, probably just wanted to drown and die.

and on that last night of november last year, i looked back. after dinner and coffee, i told X that he didn’t have to walk me home. it was starting to rain and we were expecting the super typhoon that never came. now that i think about it, it’s one of my saddest memories.

if i wanted him to walk me home, then why did i tell him not to? maybe i was scared that he didn’t really want to. and if he really wanted to, he would have insisted, right?

i don't know why i wanted him to walk me home. maybe i was scared. scared to walk in the rain by myself. scared of the storm. scared to be alone in the storm.

for some reason, i don’t remember a lot of things that happened the last six years. when i try to remember, all I see is an ocean of things, an ocean of events and feelings that’s so far away that it doesn’t make sense. it's like i wasn't even there. when I try to recall how we met, and the things that brought us together, or the happy times we had, it doesn’t hurt anymore because i can’t remember them anymore. i remember short moments, but i can’t put them together… i can’t get them to make sense. now, what kind of person tries to remember when she’s supposed to forget and her mind is helping her out by forgetting?

anyway, i remember walking in the rain alone that night. the cold wind slapped my cheeks and hot tears fell from my eyes, and when i finally had the courage to look back, he wasn’t there anymore.

did i want to find you there, looking back at me, unable to leave? did i want to see you walking after me? did want to see you finally stand up for me? i don't know.

all i know is that when i did look back, you weren't there. and again, like before... you just walked away.

just like that.

heck

this is long over due. it’s not even… ah, what the heck… for what its worth,

simple together
~ alanis morissette, so-called chaos

you've been my golden best friend
now with post-demise at hand
can't go to you for consolation
cause we're off limits during this transition

this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and I can't stop bumping into things

i thought we'd be simple together
i thought we'd be happy together
i thought we'd be limitless together
i thought we'd be precious together
but I was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and then some
i remembered you the moment I met you
with you I knew God's face was handsome
with you I saw fun and expansion
this loss is numbing meIt pierces my chest
and I can't stop dropping everything

i thought we'd be sexy together
i thought we'd be evolving together
i thought we'd have children together
i thought we'd be family together
but I was sadly mistaken

if I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
if I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
if I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

i thought we'd be genius together
i thought we'd be healing together
i thought we'd be growing together
i thought we'd be adventurous together
but I was sadly mistaken

i thought we'd be exploring together
i thought we'd be inspired together
i thought we'd be flying together
i thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken.

happy crappy

so that the hell am I so happy about?

so many things. this morning, on my way to work, I realized that there were so many things happening. just so much to look forward to. first, my applications, then there’s the transfer and a new house. there’s that hot air balloon fest. then the week after that. there’s also that thingy that I can’t mention. then there’s that concert. then my ipod and my aunt and my grandma coming home for a visit. and so much more.

I’m just happy. glad to be alive. excited over the unknown. happy.

a far cry from a week before when I blatantly expressed my desire to just go home, curl up and die.

this could be messy

when I was a kid, I decided that I wasn’t going to be that kind of girl.

I’m still not.
I’m starting to fall.

he was supposed to leave.
but he didn’t.

but i’m not that kind of girl.
I’m never going to be that kind of girl.