it's not you, it's me.

so I’ll just stop trying.

Maybe I should just stop trying. Stop trying to make sense of something that doesn’t. stop trying to understand things that aren’t. stop making excuses for lies thrown at me. Stop trying to catch up with things don’t want to be caught. Just stop trying.

And maybe, hopefully, I’ll learn to stop loving people who don’t want my love.

which i just recently realized, isn't really that good anyway.

movin' up

Finally, I found a new place. I’m moving out mid September. New home, new life. I hope.

Of course I’m scared… that dismal feeling at the pit of your stomach when something unpleasant will happen. I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I’m just afraid that this move will not be that big of a step. Something at the back of my head tells me that my other foot might still be in… or that I’ve only stepped on the line, not beyond.

I don’t know why I feel the need to get out of that comfort zone so much, maybe because I badly need this change. Btw, this comfort zone that I held on for too long, wasn’t even that comfortable.

The mommy chub died yesterday. And I cried for hours. And hours. of course, it was my fault she died. It’s my fault the baby chubs won’t have a mom and the daddy chub will be so sad, he’ll probably want to die now, too.

It’s me, I know. I don’t know how to take care of them. I don’t know how to take are of things and people and animals I love. I couldn’t get a spineless twat to stay and I’ve lost count of all the chubs and dolphins I’ve lost. And if jingoy could leave or kill herself, she probably would have done that by now. I just don’t know how to do this. I just don’t know the right way to love.

p r a y e r

~God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr ~


“There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don’t want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature… Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us… Because so many of us are cowardly and afraid to stand up for what is right… Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice… The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no.” - Desperate Housewives

more than all the world

Normal day,
Let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you,
Bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by
In quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may,
For it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,
Or bury my face in the pillow,
Or stretch myself taut
Or raise my hands to the sky
And want more than all the world,
Your return.

~Mary Jean Iron