banana business

i was walking home the day after the storm, having ice cream, looking at the barrage of torn down properties the storm has left. i noticed the mangled banana trees on the vacant lot in font of my apartment. it was a satisfying realization as i chewed on the last of my ice cream cone... who would have thought they were actually growing the bananas there? i knew that one of my neighbors is a dealer/supplier of bananas. it took me three or four years, a storm and an ice cream cone to realize that the seemingly useless piece of land in font of my apartment is actually the foundation of a thriving banana business.

i guess sometimes, we only see the worth of some things when we look back at them after the storm. when we’ve become too familiar with some things, we have to back away a little to appreciate them… i guess sometimes… we have to see things after we’ve weathered the storm to erase the preconceptions we have… to see them as they really are. to see what they mean to our lives. to start over.

reminded me of the conversation we had during lunch. over lamb chops and chicken fillet, my aunt’s friend looked out the window and suddenly mentioned that things just seemed clearer after the storm. and as an afterthought, she said, "i guess that’s God’s promise to Noah."

rainbows, i thought.

“that’s rainbows”, my aunt added.

it’s true, after the storm comes the calm. the repose.

soon as i got home i started picking up the shards of broken glass which used to be my window. outside, everyone else is picking up the mess, coping with whatever they can make out of what’s left.

inside me, the storm is still raging like a madman on holiday. but i have faith in rainbows, i know the storm will end. and when it does, i’ll clean up the mess the storm has left. i will pick up the shards of broken glass, take out the trash, hang the wet rags to dry and i’ll grab my shades and face the sun. and when that happens, i know the sky will be clearer and bluer than ever. you’ll see.

lifeless dead

the cracks and lines from where you gave up
they make an easy man to read, oh
for all the times you let them bleed you
for little peace from God you plead, and beg
for little peace from God you plead

wake up young man, wake up, wake up

~ wake up
mad season



i had the longest episode of my long recurring sleeping paralyses this morning. this time, i didn’t even try to fight it. just went along. i thought, if i can’t move, then i won’t move. if i can’t breathe, then i won’t breathe. if this is how i’m going to die, then this is how it’s going to be.

this has been happening almost every day for a long time now. sometimes they happen several times in one night. and lately, i’ve been losing the will to fight it… so close to embracing that ugly fate…

the tragedy is that i still wake up every morning.

i’m still here. alive. and breathing. to mock you.

sincerely wrong

W T F ?

know what's worse than an ass?

half an ass. a person who's an ass but doesn't have the balls to be one.

choose, for crying out loud. make a fucking decision. take fucking risks. make a fucking mistake. do something that'll matter to someone, anyone... say something that'll be of consequence. apologize. say sorry, you jerk, and be sorry.

be a man, for crying out loud. at least act like you have balls. what the fuck are those things hanging between your legs, anyway? christmas ornaments?

i know what you're doing, you prick. what the hell do you take me for, anyway? i’m not stupid. you may not think highly of my intelligence, but i’m smarter than you. in every way.

go fuck yourself, jerk.

winter of my heart

artificial sunshine sucks.

when you've been running on empty for so long... when there's nothing left at your core... at some point, you just realize that you don't have to run anymore. and you stop. you stop running. you stop feeling. you stop giving a rat's ass.

and suddenly the anger stops. the hurt disappears. nothing matters. nothing can hurt you. you become invincible.

and the worst and best part is...

your heart stops.

comfortably numb

you'll be amazed at how many people aren't familiar with twinkle twinkle little star.

i don't know what's worse, feeling cheated and helpless or not feeling anything at all.

sunrays, angels and wednesdays

with alice in chains playing in the background, my backdoor ajar, letting just enough sunlight into my apartment, and old pictures scattered on the floor, i sat on the floor and sorted out the pictures, sometimes stopping to laugh or smile at the memories. see, on a long enough time, no matter how hurting the events may have been, the pain leaves, and you just smile when you remember.

the night before, X sent me mp3’s of alice in chain’s "jar of flies". i listened to the album on my way home and was just mesmerized by layne staley’s voice. it was so vulnerable and crushing. too frank and honest, blatant and unguarded... raw and beautiful. in his voice i felt all the confused emotions i've become too numb to feel.

my favorite part is during don’t follow… when he sang the line "take me home", there was something in the "oh " in home that made me want to reach out to him. it felt like it was vital for him to be home, that he’s just a fragment away from shattering and he’s crying out for help.

i don’t care what people say about the life he’s had, or that he overdosed and was only found after his neighbors deemed the stench of his decaying body unbearable.

i believe he is home now.

only tormented angels can sing like that.

atomic wedgie

it was somewhere between saturday night and sunday morning. i was invited, along with some of my friends, to participate in a medical experiment. it was run by a couple, a husband and wife, who were both doctors. they were trusted family friends, although at that time, i couldn’t track how we knew them. anyway, all the other test subjects were stationed on the first floor of the doctors’ house, which, looked like a normal house if not for the hospital beds. i was assigned on the second floor. i was an obedient guinea pig, doing what i was told, which was pretty much just taking the pills and sleeping all day. i didn’t ask what the experiment was for, or what’ll happen to us after the experiment. i guess i just trusted them despite the rising suspicion downstairs. i thought we’ve only been there for a day, but according to the murmur downstairs we’ve been there for an awful long time and the "naps" we had after taking the pills were actually long deep slumbers, lasting for days on end. oddly enough, that didn’t concern me much. i didn’t notice that i was the only subject on the second floor until my brother told me to get out of the house and escape, like the rest of the patients downstairs did. i was puzzled as to why anyone would want to take off. i mean, we were there, eating and sleeping all day, comfortable and well rested plus we get to help the doctors… why would anyone want to leave?

"you have a 9V black eveready battery up your ass!"

and there it was, a 9V black eveready battery, its contents emptied in my butt.

the world spun AND closed in on me and i wanted to pass out, but i had to flee. so i jumped off the window and woke up.

7am. damn. i’m late for work.

my supervixen alarm failed me.

so imagine my amusement the day after, when i went to my uncle’s 50th birthday party and found the good doctor giving a heartfelt speech.

frozen in the place i hide

brother
alice in chains

frozen in the place i hide
not afraid to paint my sky with
some who say i've lost my mind
brother try and hope to find

you were always so far away
i know that pain so dont you run away
like you used to do

roses in a vase of white
bloodied by the thorns beside the leaves
that fall because my hand is
pulling them hard as i can

you were always so far away
i know that pain and i wont run away
like I used to do

pictures in a box at home
yellowing and green with mold
so i can barely see your face
wonder how that color taste

you were always so far away
i know the way so dont you run away

like you used to do
like you used to do

luis

i feel the storm coming in. it’s starting to drizzle and i shiver from the cold that hung in the air. i searched the night sky and not a star in sight. where’s the moon, i wonder? did your invisible threads finally give in? did you fall into the ice cold waters? or are you somewhere up there, still hanging, hiding behind the thick dark clouds? are you scared to come out? will the eyes of those who look up to you reveal a truth you can’t face?

maybe you had the right idea

perhaps, hidden is the kindest place to be.

forecast

my lover's charms
are in a box
beneath my bed
and piece by piece
i'll cherish them
until the end

send me an angel to love
i need to feel a little piece of heaven
send me an angel to love
i'm afraid I'll never get to heaven

~ my lover's box
garbage


i saw my future.

this morning, i saw how my future boyfriend would look like.
i know the color of his eyes. the length of his lashes. the trace of his nose. the corners of his mouth.
i know the sound of his voice. the warmth of his touch. the taste of his lips.
i know the stride of his legs. the strength of his arms.
i know the feel of his hair between my fingers. his face in my hands. his palm against my palm.
i know the music he listens to. the books he reads. the movies he watches. the jokes he tells. the stories he writes.
i know his unspoken passions.
i know his prayers.
i know his secret fears.
i know his laughter.

i know the thoughts of his mind.
i know the songs of his heart.
i know his mind.
i know his heart.
i know his love.
i know him.

down in a hole

03 september 2006

i was on my way home from work that sunday when i thought about what my friend just said. we were talking about his ex... C dreamt of his ex the night before and in his dream, they were still together... as if they were married or something. he was really bothered by it and asked me if i knew how to interpret dreams. i read somewhere that dreams are the things we wish would happen in our lives but are somehow helpless to do something about it. he said that was probably appropriate. and sadly mentioned that he missed her. i told him that if he misses her that much, why not try to win her back? i mean, clearly, he is still in love with her, so why not do something about it? so what if she lives so far away? so what if she's already married? (which she's not, btw) so what if she's in love with somebody else? (this one, we're not sure about =)) i mean, isn't it worth to try and find out? isn't it worth to give it another shot? whatever went wrong in their relationship, i believed, can be fixed, if they are both willing to forgive and work things out. then C said, simply, that it was too late. how can it be too late? he's still in love with her. so how can it be too late? did he ask her? no, he said. it was just too late. and he knew in his heart that it was.

how do you know when it's too late? what if you still love the other person and in your heart of hearts, you are still hoping you'll be together, someday? are you just doomed to spend your life secretly hoping for your love to come back when you know it's too late? and you're helpless to do anything about it? how can it be too late when you still love the other person?

i was thinking about that on my way home. how will i know if it's too late? how will i know that i've crossed the line, when i’m sure nothing anyone could ever do could bring us back together? do i still want us to be back together? what if i wake up one day and i realize that i want him back but with it comes the sad realization that it's too late?

i was looking out the bus window along roxas boulevard when i got a text message from C.

if you can still put yourself at risk, your heart on line, your happiness in jeopardy, just for a ray of light, a sliver of hope, a shard of chance to make things right, then it's not too late yet. but the moment you know you can't lay your heart on the line because of fear that you'll be hurt again, rejected, betrayed, when you just can't allow yourself to be vulnerable and defenseless to him again, then, you know it's too late, even if you still love him. it's simply too late.

so, is it?, he asked.

i was shocked with my answer.

through the bus window, i looked at the night sky, like soft velvet, not a star in sight. the moon was so beautiful. pale yellow. sad and alone. vulnerable to the dark clouds. hanging by invisible threads, ready to give in and plunge into the ice cold ocean.

losing my soul...

down in a hole
alice in chains

burying me softly in this womb
i give this part of me for you
sand rains down and here I sit
holding rare flowers
in her tomb...

down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
see my heart I've decorated like a grave
you don't understand who they thought i was supposed to be
look at me now a man who won't let himself be

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
i'd like to fly,
but my wings have been so denied

down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place
i've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste
i have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth
i will not speak no more of my feelings beneath

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
i'd like to fly,
but my wings have been so denied

bury me softly in this womb
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
i give this part of me for you
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
sand rains down and here I sit
holding rare flowers
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
In her tomb
Oh I want to be inside...

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, out of control
i'd like to fly
but my wings have been so denied