imeldific

i finally got my palm back. and it’s a new one. i won’t even start to tell you the trouble i brought myself because of this new pda.

you know you shouldn’t have, but due to lack of judgment and hasty decisions, you did. and the moment you’re there, you regret it. you wish you could take it back and turn back time for just a minute, maybe just that split second when everything fell apart. but naturally, you can’t. coz life’s like that. and it sucksss.

argh.

women have this stupid fascination with shoes. especially stilettos. When you have wide feet like me, wearing comfortable shoes is hard enough, but, still i buy the gut wrenching shoes, making myself vulnerable to unnecessary torture and pain… because…. because… because??? ah i could come up with a million reasons why we so love the deadly shoes, but when your feet start to ache like hell and your toes start to get numb from lack of blood circulation, you forget all the reasons and you just want to throw the damn shoes away and dip your feet into a tub of warm water. you tell yourself that you’ll never wear the same shoes again and you vow never to buy something that does more harm than good for you.

but, given a few weeks, or maybe just a few days, you’re back there, breathing the air three inches higher than the air God intended you to, writhing in pain.

It’s almost impossible to find the perfect fit. The good ones are almost impossible to find, often, they’re either too scrawny or too spiteful. The sturdy ones are always too expensive, they’re not even worth it. the cheap ones are always shoddy and drab… too weak to even last. the sexier the shoes, the more they’re likely to hurt and betray you. And the one’s that are actually good for you? They’re usually either flat, dull, plain and have no personality at all.

men are like stilettos, you know they’re bad for you, you know they’ll hurt you, you know they’re not worth the pain, but still,

you buy them, dream about them, and even go crazy for them.

and when you bleed, you rest for a while, then you’re back to wanting them again as if nothing bad ever happened the last time you had them.

and even if you get lucky and you do find the perfect fit, God knows how long they’ll last.

ahh shoes. ahh men.

i have faith in rainbows...

"there's always farther to go and more to do and mountains to climb... that's what i look forward to... there's an amazing man who's wandering the streets right now who's going to be the father of my children... i do believe in happily ever after."

~ jennifer aniston

karma

life is weird. sometimes, it gives you JUST what you want, JUST what you need. even if you avoid it. i’ve been really tired the past week and i was looking forward to just staying home to rest and clean my apartment this weekend. but i had to attend jm’s brother’s (or sister’s) christening on saturday. and i promised to spend sunday with Y, since this is the only sunday off i get. i couldn’t say no to both. so, naturally, i said yes. but i was so sick saturday morning, i couldn’t even get out of bed. so i wasn’t able to attend the christening at dampa, and instead of being stuffed to my face with food, i was hungry and sick last saturday. i think that was karma for being so greedy. anyway, sunday was a little bit better, though i wasn’t able to go out with Y.

i ended up spending my weekend in bed, watching arrested development and reading. when you come to think of it, i got to do what i really wanted to do in the first place, which was to spend my weekend in bed watching arrested development and read. i wasn’t able to tidy up my apartment, organize my mp3’s, dust my old cd’s or finish that short story i’m writing, but at least, i got my rest, the rest, i believe, i deserve.

well… of course, jm is not talking to me, she didn’t even bother come out to the terrace that night and the night after. Y was, of course, a bit more understanding. although he wanted to drop by, i didn’t really want company last sunday, i was enjoying my ‘me' time. Y got a bit worried, but i really didn’t want him to be. i really want people to stop worrying about me.

good news, i’ll finally get my palm tomorrow. hah. and we’re having nickelodeon back on cable. i can’t wait to see hoodsie again…

i’m hoping to start the week right. i hope nothing goes wrong. i’m keeping my fingers crossed and saying my prayers.

lusty lemons

C brought that new apo tribute album to work early this week and i absolutely adore orange and lemon’s version of yakap sa dilim. it’s so yummy… feels like I’m being lured to bed with a promise of fervor and sweet rapture. hahaha… apo is going to have a concert at the mall of asia first week of september, i think. i wish G was here. she loves apo. and listening to their music reminded me of her. i miss her. if she’s here, i bet we’ll see that concert, and spend an entire day shopping and talking and laughing and… ah… she’s going home next year for maybe two weeks. can’t wait to spend time with her again. it’s been years.

i was looking forward to staying home this weekend to tidy up my filthy apartment and rest. i even borrowed by brother’s arrested development dvds. but it turns out i have to attend a christening at dampa (yum yum yum) on saturday and i have to spend time with Y this sunday. so, i guess, another busy weekend for me. almost no rest again. i could pass up the day with Y, but i know i owe him at least a day. he’s been complaining that we don’t get to spend time anymore and that’s the least i can do for someone who’s been there for me all this time. and anyway, i enjoy spending time with him, it’s just that i’m not feeling well and i need to rest… maybe i’ll get my rest some other time. in my next lifetime, perhaps?

well. happy weekend to me. i’m sure it’ll be a blast.

love song for no one

kumot at unan
apo hiking society

mabuti pa ang unan mo kasama pag gabi
mabuti pa ang kumot mo kasiping sa tabi
sa pag-uwi mo sila ang 'yong kasama
at sa pagtulog wala ng iba
iyan ba nama'y pagseselosan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman
ako na lamang sana ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

mabuti pang panyo mo may dampi sa 'yong pisngi
at sa tuwing kausap ka'y laging nakangiti
sa pag-uwi ko 'yan ang naaalala
at sa pagtulog wala ng iba
yan ba nama'y malilimutan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman ako na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

pangarap kita kahit papano pa kita isipin
pangarap kita dinggin mo sana ang aking awitin
pangarap kita gawin mo sana akong pangarap mo rin

mabuti pa ang baso may tikim ng 'yong halik
naiinggit ang labi kong laging nananabik
sa aking paggising 'yan ang naaalala
tuwing umaga wala ng iba
yan ba nama'y maiiwasan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman ako na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

kung maaari lang naman ikaw na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan ko

one part lullaby

i was tired but had a lot in my mind last night, and i couldn’t sleep. so turned the tv back on and instead of watching dumb and dumberer (yes, i still have standards. ha.) i saw the teen choice awards… okay, so it wasn’t a big step up from dumb and dumberer, but it had it’s benefits. i wasn’t five minutes into the show when brandon routh introduced presenter tom welling. then welling presented an award (forgot what it was for) in which johnny depp won. of course, depp was in his usual sexy, weird self. just love him… oh, and the bonus was… i got to see a bloated britney spears introduce k-fed’s world debut. ha. talk about standards... anyway, it eventually led me back to the real reason i turned the tv on… i slept like a baby.

then in the middle of the night, my phone started to ring (forgot to turn it on silent mode, again!) it was an old friend. haven’t talked to him in a while. told him i was fine… no, wait, i was more than fine. in fact, i’m even excited. but kinda scared. he said i shouldn’t be the one who’s scared. the best thing about this, he said, was that i know that my love is still true. that my love is still pure. and that’s more than what a lot of people can say for themselves. he said X may find someone else, or maybe he’s already with someone else right now, but after what happened, how can he trust his love? how can he trust that this time, his love is true? that his love won’t just die out one day and he wouldn’t even care to fight for it? how can he trust his heart?

i did feel better after that… i was glad… because i realized that lately, i’ve been getting excited over the future... and maybe, just maybe, i’m ready now…

but i felt bad for X, sad because i know that what my friend said about X not being able to trust his own heart is true.

my promise...

the promise
tracy chapman
new beginnings

If you wait for me then
I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you

Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep,
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

nothing left here.

naubos ang oras sa kakahintay
walang patawad hindi binigay
walang paalam, walang babala
naubos ang oras sa kakahintay
sa'yo... (paghihintay, razorback)

we all had our reasons for going to that drt/razorback gig. i wanted to go there because it was free and i wanted to see legarda play the guitar and… okay, okay… so i just really wanted to see legarda again. period. C wanted to see razorback and have beer. A wanted to go somewhere so she can dress up. M went because she couldn’t come up with a good enough excuse not to go with us. and B just went there because we were all there. B had no idea what she’s gotten herself into. but, in the end, we all had a good time. no, we all had a great time. so great that A is now searching drt and legarda in the net and getting geared up to stalk, B is begging me to go with her to the next gig at saguijo, C is trying to track down a drt album and M is searching the net for other gigs and concerts to see. i didn’t think they’ll have a good time, especially B and M. they didn’t even like that kind of music.

but any way… we got the best and the worst seat in the venue. we sat at the table nearest the stage, with the vocalist’s mic crowning our table. first was kinky hooters. i honestly feel bad about the band, coz we laughed the whole time they did their set. and it might have seemed like we were laughing to their faces because we were right in front of them. for the most part, we really weren’t laughing at them. we were just very uncomfortable. the songs seemed unbelievably long and tiring… at one point i was looking at the vocalist’s song list and just wondering when the hell it’ll all end. anyways, the drummer was kinda cute, chabelita as C sets it. i’m not sure if it was because he kinda looks like bamboo that the vocalist seemed like a dull imitation bamboo or he was really trying to be like bamboo and he really just reeked. okay, he didn’t reek all that much. he was okay. but sometimes, just being okay isn’t okay. oh well… i guess every front act will have to go through something like that, right? i mean, we’re not really all that mean, right? right? right.

A didn’t know how legarda looked like. all she knew was that i wanted to see the gig because i wanted to see legarda and that he is related to ayesa of the rockstar inxs fame, but the moment she saw him. she was there. hahaha. she said he seems like the type who treats women badly. and boy, did she wish to be treated “badly” by him. ahhhh… wouldn't we all? except maybe B who had her eye on velasco, M who had her eye on the drummer of kh and C who only has eyes for roy. hehehe.

the moment legarda started playing the guitar, i knew it was just what i needed to kick start the dawning of my new winter. legarda is still so amazing with the guitar… i’m not one to say, but i think he even got better. during the guitar solos, we were all just mesmerized, our eyes were ready to burst from their sockets and our jaws, slack with awe. and let me remind you that not everyone in our table listens to that kind of music.

i sat there and thought, well... this is what separates the men from the boys.

the highlights of the night were when drt covered led zep’s whole lotta love and when razorback covered helter skelter and dazed and confused. (legarda and velasco played for both drt and razorback) it was probably the closest i can ever get to hearing those legendary songs played live by a legit band. i absolutely enjoyed it. but kinda made me miss basti’s voice. it would have been perfect if he was there.

i really didn’t expect that we’ll have that much fun; that i’ll have that much fun…
i missed this kind of life…
i missed being free.

you'll see, it will be...

a matter of time
wolfgang

it's all just a matter of time
between the days and the nights
from a child being born
to the taking of a life
you'll see it will be

it's all just a matter of time
till what's new becomes old
what's good becomes bad
from what's bought is sold

so just close your eyes
and wait for a while
tomorrow is still one whole day
so don't despair

soon what's in your hair
will forever be brushed away
cause it's all just a matter of time
till what you've done gets erased
till love lost returns
till what you broke is replaced
you'll see it will be...

change

change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass – john steinbeck

will you?

will you be my friend?
there are so many reasons why you never should:
i'm sometimes sullen, often shy, acutely sensitive,
my fear erupts as anger, I find it hard to give,
i talk about myself when I'm afraid
and often spend a day without anything to say.
but I will make you laugh
and love you quite a bit
and hold you when you're sad.
i cry a little almost every day
because I'm more caring than the strangers ever know,
and, if at times, I show my tender side
(the soft and warmer part I hide)
i wonder,Will you be my friend?
a friend who far beyond the feebleness of any vow or tie
will touch the secret place where I am really I,
to know the pain of lips that plead and eyes that weep,
who will not run away when you find me in the street
alone and lying mangled by my quota of defeats
but will stop and stay - to tell me of another day
when I was beautiful.
will you be my friend?
there are so many reasons why you never should:
often I'm too serious, seldom predictably the same,
sometimes cold and distant, probably I'll always change.
i bluster and brag, seek attention like a child.
i brood and pout, my anger can be wild,
but I will make you laugh
and love you quite a bit
and be near when you're afraid.
i shake a little almost every day
because I'm more frightened than the strangers ever know
and if at times I show my trembling side
(the anxious, fearful part I hide)
i wonder,
will you be my friend?
a friend who,
when I fear your closeness, feels me push away
and stubbornly will stay to share what's left on such a day,
who, when no one knows my name or calls me on the phone,
when there's no concern for me - what I have or haven't done
and those I've helped and counted on have, oh so deftly, run,
who, when there's nothing left but me, stripped of charm and subtlety,
will nonetheless remain...

will you be my friend?
for no reason that I know
except I want you to.

_____________________________

i first read this poem by James Kavanaugh when i was in high school. for some reason, i just remembered it last night. i couldn't find my copy but i found my old news paper clipping about river phoenix's death. and some old poems, and some old letters... i fell asleep around 2 am.

my best friend, r and i had dinner last night. we haven't talked while I was on vacation and that was over a month ago. i missed her. she told me that she didn't understand what i was going through when x and I broke up. she said she thought, well...She lost her boyfriend... she's cried her tears, said her goodbyes...… why can't she just move on? i have to mention, though, that she's never lost a boyfriend ever. i guess maybe she thought i was over reacting until her hubby kinda shed some light. i would not have guessed he would. but he did. she said now, she understands that i didn't just lose a boyfriend, i lost my partner.

i remember what my old friend said when i broke the news that X and i had broken up. he couldn’t believe it… said that X and i were a partnership. a corporation. a team. we were indestructible. well… that’s what i thought too. i really thought we were going to carry each other like we promised when we just started dating. we’ve been through so much. we shared life’s little injustices, enjoyed sunshines, weathered storms, and laughed through everyday tragedies. i thought we were like marla and jack towards the end of fight club when the whole city was falling apart… and it was okay because they had each other… it was fine because they were holding each other’s hand.

so, then r understood, that to her, it may only seem like her best friend lost a boyfriend, but for me, i lost the man i planned to spend my life with. i lost my plans. i lost my happiness. i lost my dreams. i lost my love.

and that's when rage started to flood her veins. she said she was so mad at x for what he did. that when x and i were together, she was thankful and so happy I finally found... a guy who's true. and she couldn't understand how he could... i don't know... leave. and she wrote him a letter. I don't know what she wrote in the letter. but she said she was pretty livid when she typed. i could only imagine what she wrote. anyway, she said x didn't reply. I wasn't surprised. she said she wanted to talk to x... and that x said he wasn't ready. that was in april. i doubt he'll ever be ready. r said she's still waiting, i wouldn't hold my breath if i were her. i bet he's forgotten all about it.

i was waiting for a ride along buendia this morning when i knew. i just knew. i was running late and i just missed an fx, despite my efforts to run after it. i looked at the void ahead of me and as i felt the muscles in my face ache, finally, i knew. i have had enough. and i'm tired of crying. i am just exhausted and drained out of my mind. i have had enough. i'm done.

when i got to the office, i was somehow reminded that r's letter might have coerced x to send that letter where he was saying sorry. really? he had to be told that what he did was wrong? that he caused me so much pain? that he was an ass? and he couldn't figure it out by himself? really? come on... he's got to be better than that.

well... you know what? i don't even know if i care anymore. and i don't care that i don't know.

what moon songs do you sing?

have you ever seen yourself while you’re in a lobby of an office? just sitting there. waiting. i saw my reflection earlier. i was waiting for someone from hr when i saw my reflection through the glass doors. and i saw myself probably how X saw me all along… i looked, well…. not just sad… but lonely. and it’s not the mundane loneliness you see everyday, it was so callous and unhindered that it was so painful to look at, even for me.

if i didn’t know me, i’d think i had surrendered to a bitter fate and was just so… i don’t know… resigned. resigned from happiness. resigned from life.

this reminded me of that song by the smashing pumpkins that x sent me a lot of months ago, he said the song made him think of me.


luna.

what moon songs
do you sing your babies?
what sunshine
do you bring?

who belongs
who decides whos crazy
who rights wrongs
where others cling

i'll sing for you
if you want me to
i'll give to you
and its a chance
i'll have to take
and its a chance
i'll have to break

i go along
just because
i'm lazy
i go along
to be with you

and those moon songs
that you sing your babies
will be the songs
to see you thru

i'll hear your song
if you want me to
i'll sing along
and its a chance
i'll have to take
and its a chance
i'll have to break
i'm in love with you
i'm in love with you
i'm in love with you
i'm so inlove with you...

but the thing is, i wasn’t sad… i was okay. i was hopeful. i was a brand new sky.

brand new sky

times like these
foo fighters

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run awayand leave it all behind?

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

terrible and slow moving...

i complain about not being able to think… that my mind just floats around in an endless void... yet i spend the whole day watching movies on tv. i was actually going to see cold mountain, but as i scanned the cover, one review said, “terrible and slow moving. kidman and law lack chemistry” by filmsinreview.com. now, who would put that on the cover of the dvd? the pirates, that who.

so, i ended up seeing other mindless, terrible and slow moving movies. the level of their mindless-ness and dreadfulness varies. first was the day after tomorrow. it was a waste of time, yet jake gyllenhaal made it worthy to waste my time over with. next was agent cody banks 2, i only paid attention to scenes where frankie muniz’s baby blue eyes were focused and there were a lot of them. next was ladder 49. now, this was a good movie. joaquin phoenix was so sweet and endearing. the late river phoenix may have been better looking, but joaquin is definitely sweeter. you just have to fall in love with him. the last one was woody allen’s hilarious hollywood ending.

i want to be a firefighter. i want to go into burning buildings when everyone else is trying to get out.

driving blind

noddy wanted to act like a grown up. So, like mr sparks, he decided to stay up late so he can get more work done. After reading his book, he cleaned his house until he was all cleaned out (his words, not mine) . Then he went outside and drove around toyland. He thought he’ll visit big ears. But he fell asleep in front of big ear’s house. when big ears saw him in the morning, he woke noddy up and reminded him of the packages he had to pick up at the train station. But because he was so tired, noddy drove in circles…and at some point, he even drove backwards.

oh Noddy. my sweet little noddy. Don’t be like me.

please go home and get some sleep.

and

stop driving in circles…

and

stop driving backwards…

let me breathe...

dolphins cry
artist: live
album: distance to here


The way you're bathed in light
Reminds me of that night
God let me down into your rose garden of trust
And I was swept away
With nothin' left to say
Some helpless fool
Yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
You're all I need to find
So when the time is right
Come to me sweetly, come to me
Come to me

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Oh yeah, we meet again
It's like we never left
Time in between was just a dream
Did we leave this place?
This crazy fog surrounds me
You wrap your legs around me
All I can do to try and breathe
Let me breathe so that I
So we can get together!

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Life is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time
We are lost 'til we are found
This phoenix rises up from the ground
And all these wars are over
Over
Over

when dolphins cry

I’m worried about nemo, I don’t know what’s wrong with him but he’s been sleeping or playing dead on awful lot lately. His wound hasn’t completely healed yet. I’m scared that he’ll leave me too.

When X broke up with me, I wanted to get rid of everything he gave me, everything that reminded me of him. I even wanted to give nemo and the chub chubs away. I just wanted to erase X in my life. later on I realized that to do that, I would have to move to a remote village in a country no one’s ever heard of; leave everything and everyone behind; and oh, rip my heart off my chest.

Anyway, I don’t think I can handle it if nemo dies right now. I know I just can’t . and I don’t need him menacing me everyday. I wish I knew what he wants. I wish I knew what he needs. I wish he’ll tell me. right now, I’m about ready to do anything just so he’ll stay.

bad thoughts

met R’s baby today and my heart just fell to the ground.
i love her already.
i almost cried when she kissed me goodbye.

my vacation is almost over. I’m not sure if I want to go back. I feel like nothing happened, but then again, a lot of things happened. I have to go back because I miss my friends.

but just like how it was before I left, I still have a lot of thinking to do. a lot of decisions to make.

and of course, nowadays, I can’t think even if you paid me a million dollars.

this is bad.

lost and gone forever

Clementine...

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner, forty-niner
And his daughter Clementine.

Oh my darling, oh my darling
Oh my darling, Clementine
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine,
Herring boxes without topses
Sandals were for Clementine

Drove she ducklings to the water
Every morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter
Fell into the foaming brine.

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles soft and fine,
But alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.

Then the miner, forty-niner
Soon began to peak and pine,
Thought he oughter jine he daughter,
Now he's with his Clementine.

In my dreams she still doth haunt me,
Robed in garments soaked in brine;
Though in life I used to hug her,
Now she's dead, I draw the line.

tide in the ocean

the tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. all the water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.

i forget where the sun joins in this fight.

__________________________

i think Iive already lost you
I think you're already gone
i think i'm finally scared now
you think i'm weak - but i think you're wrong

i think you're already leaving
feels like your hand is on the door
i thought this place was an empire
but now i'm relaxed - i can't be sure

i think we should try
i think i could need - this in my life

if you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
there's an awful lot of breathing room
but i can hardly move
if you're gone - baby you need to come home

i bet you're hard to get over
i bet the room just won't shine

coz there's a little bit of something me
in everything in you

~ if you're gone
matchbox 20

life taught me to die...

Cannonball
~ Damien Rice

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed

You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy'
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

love story

email from x:

i'm sorry for being such a burden to you... i am really sorry.
a lot of things i want to apologize for, but im really not sure if this is the right time to say it.
i caused you so much pain. sorry ha? sorry ha... sorry

my response:

I honestly don’t know what to say. i guess we both did things in the past that we’re sorry for. Sorry din, dami din yun.

x?

you’re not a burden to me. what makes you think that? You never were. Everything I did for you from when we were starting out up to now were all done out of love… and at the risk of sounding cheesy, as quoted from my favorite movie “love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

And I felt that, first hand, from you years ago.

________________________________________

I don’t know why x suddenly sent that...

Did he just now realize how badly he’s hurt me? did he just now realize what he did? What he left?

And when is the right time, I wonder? Will he wait when his apology doesn’t mean anything anymore? when nothing he could ever do could hurt me?

fire and rain

Fire and Rain
James Taylor

I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

will you erase me?

i vowed to myself that i'll never tell x. if it happens, he'll never know.

he doesn't deserve the truth. he doesn't deserve the truth.

i want to be able to let go of him. right now. i want to erase him in my life.

but a part of me thinks he should know. at least.
i mean, it's his life too, you know.
but can i tell him? will i be brave enough?

i guess not.

song of a second april

April this year, not otherwise
Than April of a year ago,
Is full of whispers, full of sighs,
Of dazzling mud and dingy snow;
Hepaticas that pleased you so
Are here again, and butterflies.

There rings a hammering all day,
And shingles lie about the doors;
In orchards near and far away
The grey wood-pecker taps and bores;
The men are merry at their chores,
And children earnest at their play.

The larger streams run still and deep,
Noisy and swift the small brooks run
Among the mullein stalks the sheep
Go up the hillside in the sun,
Pensively,--only you are gone,
You that alone I cared to keep.

~ edna st.vincent millay

the break up

A few weeks ago, I kinda invited x to see the break-up with me. it’s the last day of showing for the movie today and x hadn’t mentioned a thing. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to see him again anyway.

I saw the movie last week. And finally, finally, finally… I knew what the hell I was looking for in x. why I was always telling him that he doesn’t appreciate me. up until I saw that movie, I wasn’t sure what I needed to hear or needed to see from x that’ll make me feel that he loves me, that he truly loves me.

I hope x sees that movie. Because the movie said so many things I wanted to say to x, I just didn’t know better. i hope he sees the movie so that he’ll know. So that he’ll know that I wasn’t hoping D will come back. That the whole time, I just thought I was looking for D because when D and I were together, he showed me he cared, He showed me that he wanted to be with me, he showed me that he wanted to do things for me, that he just wanted to make me smile. That he just gave a damn.

In the movie, that was all aniston’s character wanted from her boyfriend. And guess what? That was all I wanted from x. that was all I needed. For him to show me he cares. For him to buy me flowers because he knows I love them. For him to take me to nice dinners because he knows I like them… because he wants to make me smile…

rei

I’m back. And sometimes I wonder if I ever really left.

So, I’m not… well, at least I think i’m not.

But was I?

The blood falling down my legs to the bathroom floor, was that my baby? Did I kill her with cigarettes, coffee, alcohol and stress? Was that rei? The baby sister jingoy accused me of neglecting in my dream?

I felt like I lost something that day.

queen of pain

king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
(That's my soul up there)

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain
queen of pain
queen of pain
queen of pain

I'll always be queen of pain...