bleed the freak

You know something’s terribly gone wrong when you’re at a beautiful, lavish spa in baguio, petals scattered around you with the sweet, rich smell of essential oils lingering in the air and the masseuse constantly asks you to relax while you’re getting a luxurious massage. If you can’t relax at a spa, you know something’s amiss.

I had second thoughts about going to baguio. There were just too many things that had to be done and leaving meant that I would have to put things off once again… plus, I haven’t fully recovered from the series of illnesses I had the past month. I argued if I should be responsible and do the things I should do or ditch everything and give myself a break. I chose the latter. Packed my bags, left kori and bentot to their turtle sitter and took a bus to baguio alone.

Going on that trip proved to be the better choice. Apparently (as everyone knew), I had to get away. I got to slow down and think. wouldn’t you know… it even helped me put things back in perspective. The past month, I just couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything really. I was just going through the motions, always trying to catch up, it seemed. I was trying to catch up with a respiratory tract infection, bleeding ulcers, low red blood cells, and faulty valves in my heart.

I guess when everything goes wrong; you are left with no choice but to do something right.

I want to live where I don’t have to pop pills just to go to sleep every night; where there’s a view outside my window and I wouldn’t be afraid to look out; where I can think and not end up in tears of helplessness and resignation. I want to be in a place where maybe, laughter, happiness and joy can live again. And love... Always love.

i will be alright.

dry the rain
~ the beta band

This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

Dusty brown boots in the corner
By the ironing board
Spray on dust is the greatest thing
Sure is the greatest thing
Since the last since the last

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
The rain the rain the rain now

If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it out loud it'll be okay
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light
I will be your light

I will be your light
I Need Love

running on empty

So, how does this work? How does life work? I feel like I’m going in circles. I feel like I’m going through hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle with no finish line in sight. No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No light at the end of the tunnel.

Everything is finally happening, but nothing makes sense. It doesn’t make sense. Life doesn’t.

It’s like… when you’re finally sure that you want something… when you’re finally sure that it’s what you want. Just what you need in your life. That one thing makes sense… the one thing you can’t live without… It slips further and further away from you.

It sucks. Big time. The one thing I can’t live without is the one thing I can’t have. At least, not the way I want it. And the one thing i can’t live with is the one thing I have. And the only way to have the one I can’t live without is to live with the one I can’t live with.

Life sucks. you can never get what you want. I just feel so empty. Like a big gaping hole. Like a traveler with nowhere to go. Lost and empty. and that’s me. that’s me.

Sometimes, life is just too much.

looks like rain...

Every morning when i walk from my apartment on my way to work, there’s a place, that place between our village and the next, just a little after the invisible dog whimpers at my right side, where I always remember to look up at the morning sky. i’ve always marveled at the sight of the pitch black sky, the countless bright stars and a luminous moon. Mornings start really early for me these days… usually at 3 am, sometimes, at 12 am. there’s always a sense of contentment when I look up the sky and see all the stars scattered in the velvet sky and a big round moon to hold them all together. a sight you will never see in the city, except in the ungodly hours of 2 or 4 am.

This morning, instead of the usual, I saw a dark sky with heavy gray clouds. The stars were missing, and even the moon, which was supposed to be full, was nowhere in sight. Just the black sky and gray clouds, heavy and out of place.

It doesn’t look like this is going to be a good day. For the Chinese, seeing a meteor is bad luck. I forgot why. But i saw one last week. A meteor falling just as the sun was setting… Maybe this will be my misfortune. Oh, who cares. Who believes in luck anyway? Luck is just a term lazy people use to comfort themselves, to hope on something that doesn’t exist.

Lucky was what we used to be.

I can’t wait for this day to end. I will need more than luck, I’m sure. I need a prayer and then some.

bloodshot

I want to cry, but what for? I am sad, and understandably so… but why cry? hearts were not shattered and dreams were not taken away… so what for?

If I expected an awkward touch to meet my arms when I reached out, then why am I here? What for? What’s left?

i want to cry. but the tears have long gone.

nothing's left except the blood in my eyes.

tears

It has been brought to my attention that lately, I’ve been letting everyone down. My friends, my loved ones, my family, my house, my pets, my plants… my health, my self… I’ve let them all down in one way or another. And it seems that the only part of my life I haven’t failed lately is my work.

Heck, I even failed my date last Saturday. After letting the poor guy pay 3000 for dinner, I didn’t even have the courtesy to come up with a good excuse not to see a movie after dinner which I initially agreed to anyway. Instead, I begged off, because I was just so tired and I just wanted to go home and sleep.

This isn’t like me at all. I stay true to my words… I am reliable. My friends and family have always been able to rely on me. Now I’m just someone who doesn’t show up, who doesn’t return phone calls and in the rare instances that I do show up, i arrive at the last possible minute, when everyone’s ready to leave.

June suddenly isn’t that far away and I have to decide and prepare and leave. I can’t do this. How can you just walk away from everything that you love? Maybe I should ask X…. he did a pretty good job, walking away from our life, never looking back. I wish I could be like that. Cold. Heartless.

This can’t go on. I don’t like myself like this. This has to stop. Something has to change. I know that. I know. I know all these will catch up on me sooner or later…

God, I’m crying out for help.
Can’t you hear?