lechon de leche

It j u s t doesn’t end, does it?

You know something’s definitely wrong when you find yourself staring at a pig being roasted and you would rather be the pig than be you.

Sometimes, you really just don’t know what life will throw at you. I thought, just a week away from 2007, what else could possibly happen this year? After everything… what the hell else could happen?

I’m so tired. I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of X. I’m tired… and I don’t know why I still haven’t given up. What for anyway? When will this end? How can two people still manage to break up after calling it quits almost a year ago?

Why can’t I just leave? Why can’t I just turn my back at all this? finally. For everyone’s sake. Really. I know what I should do. I just don’t want to do it. Yet. give me time.

And as for you, X… how can you be so stupid? Can’t you see that I will go to the ends of the world for you, you dumbass?

pre-holiday blues

there should be something here. i should have something... christmas is a few days away...

and i have nothing…

sanest thing or sweetest kind of dream...

fools like me
-lisa loeb, the way it really is

everybody go
the party's over
i want to be alone in my head
in my bed tonight
you never show
you must really love her
you think i don't know
but i do, yeah it's true
i think over is over
i'm right back where i started
(when it comes to wanting you)
i can't have what i wanted

but i did, i can
i was, i am
only human, living, dying
just like any fool who ever breathed
if love is blind
if love's a drug
it always is
it always was and
love was surely made for fools like me

i know where i'm going
i'm tripping i'm sliding around that's ok
at least i'm excited
it wasn't how I planned it
(wasn't how I planned it
feet are where i landed
at least i understand it now)

my feet are where i landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
fools like me
fools like me

i did,
i can i was, i am
only human, living, dying
just like any fool who ever breathed
maybe it's the sanest thing
or just the sweetest kind of dream
but love was surely made for fools
(love was surely made for fools)
love was surely made for fools
(love was surely made for fools)
love was surely made for fools like me

pacman

so tired.

but i can’t sleep. just saw that pacquiao/morales match on tv. who am i to complain, anyway? those guys get beat up for a living. and i’m sure they didn’t always get paid millions to beat the living daylights out of each other. but then again, they do get to beat the crap out of a world champion of some sort on national tv. i guess it just depends on which corner of the ring you belong to.

sometimes, you’re the guy on top of the ropes, raising your arms in victory, a nation, so deprived of a hero, chanting your name. and sometimes, you’re the guy sitting on the other corner, unable to get up, trying to make sense of the blows you just took, humbled and defeated, with only your real friends around you…

man, i think i’m going to throw up. again.

oh grow up!

she looks like the real thing
she tastes like the real thing
my Fake Plastic Love.
but i can't help the feeling
i could blow through the ceiling
if i just turn and run
and it wears me out, it wears me out
it wears me out, it wears me out.
and if i could be who you wanted
if i could be who you wanted,

~ fake plastic trees, radiohead

i hate holloween. never liked it. at least now, i know why. thanks to childhood’s end by arthur c clarke. according to that book, our fear of the classic portrayals of demons- dark skin, leathery wings, pointed tails are in fact, reverse racial memory- we premonitored their coming would foretell the end of our species. go figure.

i can’t believe she’s throwing this to my face.

use your head, please. for everyone’s sake. i know it’s not much, but for crying out loud, God gave you that brain, no matter how small it is, i’m sure you can squeeze some sense out of it.

you know what every ethical person would do? they would stay away from someone else’s fiancé, for starters. that’s what decent people do. come on, we’re all adults here. you knew what you were doing, from the start. he knew what he was doing. why the hell do you come to me, hoping for sympathy when you knew from the start that you were wrong? and you’re not even sorry.

and why would you accuse me of judging you when all i did was tell you the truth? don’t tell me you didn’t want that to happen. that was exactly what you hoped would happen. from the start, you knew he was a little attracted to you. you knew he was engaged. but instead of keeping your distance, you pretended to be his friend, pretended to be this sweet innocent friend who did all the things his fiancée couldn’t because she was away and sad. you sick bitch.

and she trusted you, you snake. she was thankful you were around to be his friend while she was away. and when you felt that something was happening? what did you do? instead of turning your back, you nurtured it. you wouldn’t have done anything about it until she started being suspicious.

and now you tell me that you’re not sure if you really love him? of course, you don’t! you liked him. and he knew that, that’s why he paid attention to you in the first place. and you found his attention flattering. you kept your ploy so he will continue paying attention to you. were you THAT starved for attention? to the point of compromising your morals? at other people’s expense? and the saddest part is, that moron bought your ruse.

and i judged you? again, i told you the truth. want to hear me judge you? here.. go ahead and fuck that moron. i’m sure it’ll make you feel soooooooooooooo good about yourself. isn’t that what you wanted? validation that you’re not an appalling person… to prove to yourself and to everyone that you can steal someone’s boyfriend?

what? he wouldn’t sleep with you? why? is he scared that by going to bed with you, you’ll bulldoze him into being in a real relationship with you? well, that’s just pathetic. and i don’t just mean the guy.

but you know what? now that I think about it, you two deserve each other. you’ll make an exquisite couple, i’m sure. i hope you two end up together, and i hope that one day, he’ll screw you over like he did his ex and realize that you were just his excuse for his inability to grow up.

i wouldn’t blame him. you made yourself an easy prey.

shrill

went to the dentist the other day. now, i’m the only person i know who likes having her teeth cleaned. you know that shrill sound of metal grinding against bone that drives everyone crazy? i like that. this time, i had a little extra. a bonus, if you may. the dentist massaged my gums. at first it felt weird, but you know what? it felt pretty damn good. you should try it. even better that shrill sound.

and my dentist is pretty. i wondered what i would feel if i were a guy and that pretty dentist was massaging my gums. hmm…. i want to be a guy, just for a day, no not lesbian, but a guy… a real guy, with a mustache, itchy balls, and the penchant for stupidity and boobs. i want to know what it feels like not to be responsible for anything in this world except for my useless balls.

but you know what? life is short. it’s not worth it.

out of stock

i really did not plan for it to happen. it started out innocent enough. i just went to glorietta last thursday to buy a gift for my cousin. the shirt he wanted wasn't available, it was too early to go home and i had time to spare... then one shoe led to another... and before i knew it, i was home friday night, exhausted... with 3 pairs of shoes, 2 bags, 5 blouses, 3 pairs of pants and a pair of lingerie, thinking... maybe i overdid it? no? yes?

so on saturday, to continue with my ongoing trend of self indulgence, i spent, yet again, an entire day sleeping, eating and watching mindless comedies on tv. this time, i had what's left of my rocky road ice cream, chocolate cookies, picnic ketchup fries and sinigang.

i am out of control. i will start eating right and I will clean my apartment and this is my last shopping spree for this year. i am not going to buy anything for myself until january. i swear.

i hope.

indulge

jingoy is turning three in two months. i can’t believe she’s just turning three… feels like she’s turning four… hehehe, which reminds me, if jingoy is turning three then jimmy is turning five, ready for nursery school. jingoy probably misses him and the rest of the gang. i’m sorry. i miss them too, you know.

i love saturdays. i know, it's a wednesday, but it's my saturday and this is my blog. anyway, i spent the entire day sleeping, eating and watching arrested development. had cheese cup cake, chocolate cups, blueberry cheesecake, baked spaghetti, beef taco and rocky road ice cream in my bed.

my clean laundry was set to be delivered later, along with my drinking water, so i put my feet up, lay on my bed ate till i couldn't and laughed my ass off. my favorite day.

final straw

who died and lifted you up to perfection?
~ final straw, r. e. m.

i don’t even know what to think anymore.

i have had enough.
i’m tired.
i’m fed up.
i’m pissed off.

sweet dreams

23 october 2006

had a strange dream last night. i was at enchanted kingdom with X. the place looked more like a train station than an amusement park, though. we were about to board the roller coaster, which in my dream, looked more like a slide, when i knew that X would die. i knew that he would fall off and die. and as soon as i sat on the slide, i was sure that i was going to jump off and die with him. so the ride started and soon enough, X fell off and died. i held on the train, went home, and locked myself up in my apartment. i curled up on my couch and hugged my knees as the world wondered if i knew that X was dead. i just sat there and listened, wondering why i was alive and he wasn’t, wondering why I held on to the train and didn’t go with him to die, wondering why i chose to live, knowing he will not be around, wondering why i wasn’t crying, why i wasn’t even sad… just wondering…

and that wasn’t even a nightmare.

at least that dream sort of made me forget the dream i had the night before. in that dream, billy corgan and james iha were sucking each other’s tongue off… ugh. still trying to shake that picture off of my tired head.

all boxed up

always on your side
~sheryl crow, wildflower

my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
but every now and then you come to mind
cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
but when your name was called, you found a place to hide
when you knew that I was always on your side

well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
but your demons and your angels reappeared
leavin' all the traces of the man you thought I'd be
leavin' me with no place left to go from
leavin' me so many questions all these years

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
how to pull it close and make it stay
butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
and I'm left to carry on and wonder why
even through it all, I'm always on your side

but is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
this isn't how it's really meant to be
no it isn't how it's really meant to be

well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
how to pull it close and make it stay
if butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
was it you that kept me wondering through this life
when you know that i was always on your side

suicidal imbecile

i want to go to enchanted kingdom and let that roller coaster hurl my body into the air for an entire day. i want to scream on top of my lungs and laugh till my face hurts. i want to have as much hotdogs and snow cones as i can.

“i just want to fly.
just you and i. together.”
~ high speed train
r. e. m., around the sun

aftermath

this is long overdue.

most people go home to a family, some go home to a child, a wife, a mother, a partner or a friend.

thursday night. i come home to pile of dirty dishes, probably a week old, a pile of clothes waiting to be pressed. and a stack of CD’s yet to be sorted or played. and jingoy sitting like a queen on top of everything.

been listening a lot to my own 90’s playlist lately. i think stipe finally found the light, hence the album around the sun. well good for him. if he was happy in shinny happy people, he discovered himself in automatic for the people, was a little lost in up, found his way back in reveal and finally, enlightened in around the sun. just can’t stop listening to that album and to sheryl crow’s wildflower. this is my favorite of all her albums… incidentally, it’s also the saddest.

i can listen to these two albums forever…

i guess, like michael stipe, i wanted to be wrong. unfortunately, like sheryl crow, i wasn’t.

tell me why

if i jumped into the ocean to believe.
if i climb a mountain would i have to reach?
do i even dare to speak? -- to dream? --believe?
give me a voice so strong
i can question what i have seen.

~around the sun
r. e. m. , around the sun

there's this guy. he thinks i’ll save him.

made me realize how easy it is to fall for someone who sees something good in you… even if you know that your heart wants someone else.

most of the time, what we want and what we need are two different things.

worst joke ever

spineless twat.

banana business

i was walking home the day after the storm, having ice cream, looking at the barrage of torn down properties the storm has left. i noticed the mangled banana trees on the vacant lot in font of my apartment. it was a satisfying realization as i chewed on the last of my ice cream cone... who would have thought they were actually growing the bananas there? i knew that one of my neighbors is a dealer/supplier of bananas. it took me three or four years, a storm and an ice cream cone to realize that the seemingly useless piece of land in font of my apartment is actually the foundation of a thriving banana business.

i guess sometimes, we only see the worth of some things when we look back at them after the storm. when we’ve become too familiar with some things, we have to back away a little to appreciate them… i guess sometimes… we have to see things after we’ve weathered the storm to erase the preconceptions we have… to see them as they really are. to see what they mean to our lives. to start over.

reminded me of the conversation we had during lunch. over lamb chops and chicken fillet, my aunt’s friend looked out the window and suddenly mentioned that things just seemed clearer after the storm. and as an afterthought, she said, "i guess that’s God’s promise to Noah."

rainbows, i thought.

“that’s rainbows”, my aunt added.

it’s true, after the storm comes the calm. the repose.

soon as i got home i started picking up the shards of broken glass which used to be my window. outside, everyone else is picking up the mess, coping with whatever they can make out of what’s left.

inside me, the storm is still raging like a madman on holiday. but i have faith in rainbows, i know the storm will end. and when it does, i’ll clean up the mess the storm has left. i will pick up the shards of broken glass, take out the trash, hang the wet rags to dry and i’ll grab my shades and face the sun. and when that happens, i know the sky will be clearer and bluer than ever. you’ll see.

lifeless dead

the cracks and lines from where you gave up
they make an easy man to read, oh
for all the times you let them bleed you
for little peace from God you plead, and beg
for little peace from God you plead

wake up young man, wake up, wake up

~ wake up
mad season



i had the longest episode of my long recurring sleeping paralyses this morning. this time, i didn’t even try to fight it. just went along. i thought, if i can’t move, then i won’t move. if i can’t breathe, then i won’t breathe. if this is how i’m going to die, then this is how it’s going to be.

this has been happening almost every day for a long time now. sometimes they happen several times in one night. and lately, i’ve been losing the will to fight it… so close to embracing that ugly fate…

the tragedy is that i still wake up every morning.

i’m still here. alive. and breathing. to mock you.

sincerely wrong

W T F ?

know what's worse than an ass?

half an ass. a person who's an ass but doesn't have the balls to be one.

choose, for crying out loud. make a fucking decision. take fucking risks. make a fucking mistake. do something that'll matter to someone, anyone... say something that'll be of consequence. apologize. say sorry, you jerk, and be sorry.

be a man, for crying out loud. at least act like you have balls. what the fuck are those things hanging between your legs, anyway? christmas ornaments?

i know what you're doing, you prick. what the hell do you take me for, anyway? i’m not stupid. you may not think highly of my intelligence, but i’m smarter than you. in every way.

go fuck yourself, jerk.

winter of my heart

artificial sunshine sucks.

when you've been running on empty for so long... when there's nothing left at your core... at some point, you just realize that you don't have to run anymore. and you stop. you stop running. you stop feeling. you stop giving a rat's ass.

and suddenly the anger stops. the hurt disappears. nothing matters. nothing can hurt you. you become invincible.

and the worst and best part is...

your heart stops.

comfortably numb

you'll be amazed at how many people aren't familiar with twinkle twinkle little star.

i don't know what's worse, feeling cheated and helpless or not feeling anything at all.

sunrays, angels and wednesdays

with alice in chains playing in the background, my backdoor ajar, letting just enough sunlight into my apartment, and old pictures scattered on the floor, i sat on the floor and sorted out the pictures, sometimes stopping to laugh or smile at the memories. see, on a long enough time, no matter how hurting the events may have been, the pain leaves, and you just smile when you remember.

the night before, X sent me mp3’s of alice in chain’s "jar of flies". i listened to the album on my way home and was just mesmerized by layne staley’s voice. it was so vulnerable and crushing. too frank and honest, blatant and unguarded... raw and beautiful. in his voice i felt all the confused emotions i've become too numb to feel.

my favorite part is during don’t follow… when he sang the line "take me home", there was something in the "oh " in home that made me want to reach out to him. it felt like it was vital for him to be home, that he’s just a fragment away from shattering and he’s crying out for help.

i don’t care what people say about the life he’s had, or that he overdosed and was only found after his neighbors deemed the stench of his decaying body unbearable.

i believe he is home now.

only tormented angels can sing like that.

atomic wedgie

it was somewhere between saturday night and sunday morning. i was invited, along with some of my friends, to participate in a medical experiment. it was run by a couple, a husband and wife, who were both doctors. they were trusted family friends, although at that time, i couldn’t track how we knew them. anyway, all the other test subjects were stationed on the first floor of the doctors’ house, which, looked like a normal house if not for the hospital beds. i was assigned on the second floor. i was an obedient guinea pig, doing what i was told, which was pretty much just taking the pills and sleeping all day. i didn’t ask what the experiment was for, or what’ll happen to us after the experiment. i guess i just trusted them despite the rising suspicion downstairs. i thought we’ve only been there for a day, but according to the murmur downstairs we’ve been there for an awful long time and the "naps" we had after taking the pills were actually long deep slumbers, lasting for days on end. oddly enough, that didn’t concern me much. i didn’t notice that i was the only subject on the second floor until my brother told me to get out of the house and escape, like the rest of the patients downstairs did. i was puzzled as to why anyone would want to take off. i mean, we were there, eating and sleeping all day, comfortable and well rested plus we get to help the doctors… why would anyone want to leave?

"you have a 9V black eveready battery up your ass!"

and there it was, a 9V black eveready battery, its contents emptied in my butt.

the world spun AND closed in on me and i wanted to pass out, but i had to flee. so i jumped off the window and woke up.

7am. damn. i’m late for work.

my supervixen alarm failed me.

so imagine my amusement the day after, when i went to my uncle’s 50th birthday party and found the good doctor giving a heartfelt speech.

frozen in the place i hide

brother
alice in chains

frozen in the place i hide
not afraid to paint my sky with
some who say i've lost my mind
brother try and hope to find

you were always so far away
i know that pain so dont you run away
like you used to do

roses in a vase of white
bloodied by the thorns beside the leaves
that fall because my hand is
pulling them hard as i can

you were always so far away
i know that pain and i wont run away
like I used to do

pictures in a box at home
yellowing and green with mold
so i can barely see your face
wonder how that color taste

you were always so far away
i know the way so dont you run away

like you used to do
like you used to do

luis

i feel the storm coming in. it’s starting to drizzle and i shiver from the cold that hung in the air. i searched the night sky and not a star in sight. where’s the moon, i wonder? did your invisible threads finally give in? did you fall into the ice cold waters? or are you somewhere up there, still hanging, hiding behind the thick dark clouds? are you scared to come out? will the eyes of those who look up to you reveal a truth you can’t face?

maybe you had the right idea

perhaps, hidden is the kindest place to be.

forecast

my lover's charms
are in a box
beneath my bed
and piece by piece
i'll cherish them
until the end

send me an angel to love
i need to feel a little piece of heaven
send me an angel to love
i'm afraid I'll never get to heaven

~ my lover's box
garbage


i saw my future.

this morning, i saw how my future boyfriend would look like.
i know the color of his eyes. the length of his lashes. the trace of his nose. the corners of his mouth.
i know the sound of his voice. the warmth of his touch. the taste of his lips.
i know the stride of his legs. the strength of his arms.
i know the feel of his hair between my fingers. his face in my hands. his palm against my palm.
i know the music he listens to. the books he reads. the movies he watches. the jokes he tells. the stories he writes.
i know his unspoken passions.
i know his prayers.
i know his secret fears.
i know his laughter.

i know the thoughts of his mind.
i know the songs of his heart.
i know his mind.
i know his heart.
i know his love.
i know him.

down in a hole

03 september 2006

i was on my way home from work that sunday when i thought about what my friend just said. we were talking about his ex... C dreamt of his ex the night before and in his dream, they were still together... as if they were married or something. he was really bothered by it and asked me if i knew how to interpret dreams. i read somewhere that dreams are the things we wish would happen in our lives but are somehow helpless to do something about it. he said that was probably appropriate. and sadly mentioned that he missed her. i told him that if he misses her that much, why not try to win her back? i mean, clearly, he is still in love with her, so why not do something about it? so what if she lives so far away? so what if she's already married? (which she's not, btw) so what if she's in love with somebody else? (this one, we're not sure about =)) i mean, isn't it worth to try and find out? isn't it worth to give it another shot? whatever went wrong in their relationship, i believed, can be fixed, if they are both willing to forgive and work things out. then C said, simply, that it was too late. how can it be too late? he's still in love with her. so how can it be too late? did he ask her? no, he said. it was just too late. and he knew in his heart that it was.

how do you know when it's too late? what if you still love the other person and in your heart of hearts, you are still hoping you'll be together, someday? are you just doomed to spend your life secretly hoping for your love to come back when you know it's too late? and you're helpless to do anything about it? how can it be too late when you still love the other person?

i was thinking about that on my way home. how will i know if it's too late? how will i know that i've crossed the line, when i’m sure nothing anyone could ever do could bring us back together? do i still want us to be back together? what if i wake up one day and i realize that i want him back but with it comes the sad realization that it's too late?

i was looking out the bus window along roxas boulevard when i got a text message from C.

if you can still put yourself at risk, your heart on line, your happiness in jeopardy, just for a ray of light, a sliver of hope, a shard of chance to make things right, then it's not too late yet. but the moment you know you can't lay your heart on the line because of fear that you'll be hurt again, rejected, betrayed, when you just can't allow yourself to be vulnerable and defenseless to him again, then, you know it's too late, even if you still love him. it's simply too late.

so, is it?, he asked.

i was shocked with my answer.

through the bus window, i looked at the night sky, like soft velvet, not a star in sight. the moon was so beautiful. pale yellow. sad and alone. vulnerable to the dark clouds. hanging by invisible threads, ready to give in and plunge into the ice cold ocean.

losing my soul...

down in a hole
alice in chains

burying me softly in this womb
i give this part of me for you
sand rains down and here I sit
holding rare flowers
in her tomb...

down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
see my heart I've decorated like a grave
you don't understand who they thought i was supposed to be
look at me now a man who won't let himself be

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
i'd like to fly,
but my wings have been so denied

down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place
i've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste
i have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth
i will not speak no more of my feelings beneath

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
i'd like to fly,
but my wings have been so denied

bury me softly in this womb
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
i give this part of me for you
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
sand rains down and here I sit
holding rare flowers
(Oh I want to be inside of you)
In her tomb
Oh I want to be inside...

down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, losing my soul
down in a hole, feeling so small
down in a hole, out of control
i'd like to fly
but my wings have been so denied

imeldific

i finally got my palm back. and it’s a new one. i won’t even start to tell you the trouble i brought myself because of this new pda.

you know you shouldn’t have, but due to lack of judgment and hasty decisions, you did. and the moment you’re there, you regret it. you wish you could take it back and turn back time for just a minute, maybe just that split second when everything fell apart. but naturally, you can’t. coz life’s like that. and it sucksss.

argh.

women have this stupid fascination with shoes. especially stilettos. When you have wide feet like me, wearing comfortable shoes is hard enough, but, still i buy the gut wrenching shoes, making myself vulnerable to unnecessary torture and pain… because…. because… because??? ah i could come up with a million reasons why we so love the deadly shoes, but when your feet start to ache like hell and your toes start to get numb from lack of blood circulation, you forget all the reasons and you just want to throw the damn shoes away and dip your feet into a tub of warm water. you tell yourself that you’ll never wear the same shoes again and you vow never to buy something that does more harm than good for you.

but, given a few weeks, or maybe just a few days, you’re back there, breathing the air three inches higher than the air God intended you to, writhing in pain.

It’s almost impossible to find the perfect fit. The good ones are almost impossible to find, often, they’re either too scrawny or too spiteful. The sturdy ones are always too expensive, they’re not even worth it. the cheap ones are always shoddy and drab… too weak to even last. the sexier the shoes, the more they’re likely to hurt and betray you. And the one’s that are actually good for you? They’re usually either flat, dull, plain and have no personality at all.

men are like stilettos, you know they’re bad for you, you know they’ll hurt you, you know they’re not worth the pain, but still,

you buy them, dream about them, and even go crazy for them.

and when you bleed, you rest for a while, then you’re back to wanting them again as if nothing bad ever happened the last time you had them.

and even if you get lucky and you do find the perfect fit, God knows how long they’ll last.

ahh shoes. ahh men.

i have faith in rainbows...

"there's always farther to go and more to do and mountains to climb... that's what i look forward to... there's an amazing man who's wandering the streets right now who's going to be the father of my children... i do believe in happily ever after."

~ jennifer aniston

karma

life is weird. sometimes, it gives you JUST what you want, JUST what you need. even if you avoid it. i’ve been really tired the past week and i was looking forward to just staying home to rest and clean my apartment this weekend. but i had to attend jm’s brother’s (or sister’s) christening on saturday. and i promised to spend sunday with Y, since this is the only sunday off i get. i couldn’t say no to both. so, naturally, i said yes. but i was so sick saturday morning, i couldn’t even get out of bed. so i wasn’t able to attend the christening at dampa, and instead of being stuffed to my face with food, i was hungry and sick last saturday. i think that was karma for being so greedy. anyway, sunday was a little bit better, though i wasn’t able to go out with Y.

i ended up spending my weekend in bed, watching arrested development and reading. when you come to think of it, i got to do what i really wanted to do in the first place, which was to spend my weekend in bed watching arrested development and read. i wasn’t able to tidy up my apartment, organize my mp3’s, dust my old cd’s or finish that short story i’m writing, but at least, i got my rest, the rest, i believe, i deserve.

well… of course, jm is not talking to me, she didn’t even bother come out to the terrace that night and the night after. Y was, of course, a bit more understanding. although he wanted to drop by, i didn’t really want company last sunday, i was enjoying my ‘me' time. Y got a bit worried, but i really didn’t want him to be. i really want people to stop worrying about me.

good news, i’ll finally get my palm tomorrow. hah. and we’re having nickelodeon back on cable. i can’t wait to see hoodsie again…

i’m hoping to start the week right. i hope nothing goes wrong. i’m keeping my fingers crossed and saying my prayers.

lusty lemons

C brought that new apo tribute album to work early this week and i absolutely adore orange and lemon’s version of yakap sa dilim. it’s so yummy… feels like I’m being lured to bed with a promise of fervor and sweet rapture. hahaha… apo is going to have a concert at the mall of asia first week of september, i think. i wish G was here. she loves apo. and listening to their music reminded me of her. i miss her. if she’s here, i bet we’ll see that concert, and spend an entire day shopping and talking and laughing and… ah… she’s going home next year for maybe two weeks. can’t wait to spend time with her again. it’s been years.

i was looking forward to staying home this weekend to tidy up my filthy apartment and rest. i even borrowed by brother’s arrested development dvds. but it turns out i have to attend a christening at dampa (yum yum yum) on saturday and i have to spend time with Y this sunday. so, i guess, another busy weekend for me. almost no rest again. i could pass up the day with Y, but i know i owe him at least a day. he’s been complaining that we don’t get to spend time anymore and that’s the least i can do for someone who’s been there for me all this time. and anyway, i enjoy spending time with him, it’s just that i’m not feeling well and i need to rest… maybe i’ll get my rest some other time. in my next lifetime, perhaps?

well. happy weekend to me. i’m sure it’ll be a blast.

love song for no one

kumot at unan
apo hiking society

mabuti pa ang unan mo kasama pag gabi
mabuti pa ang kumot mo kasiping sa tabi
sa pag-uwi mo sila ang 'yong kasama
at sa pagtulog wala ng iba
iyan ba nama'y pagseselosan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman
ako na lamang sana ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

mabuti pang panyo mo may dampi sa 'yong pisngi
at sa tuwing kausap ka'y laging nakangiti
sa pag-uwi ko 'yan ang naaalala
at sa pagtulog wala ng iba
yan ba nama'y malilimutan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman ako na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

pangarap kita kahit papano pa kita isipin
pangarap kita dinggin mo sana ang aking awitin
pangarap kita gawin mo sana akong pangarap mo rin

mabuti pa ang baso may tikim ng 'yong halik
naiinggit ang labi kong laging nananabik
sa aking paggising 'yan ang naaalala
tuwing umaga wala ng iba
yan ba nama'y maiiwasan ko pa
kung maaari lang naman ako na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan mo

kung maaari lang naman ikaw na lamang sana
ang maaari mong gawin na kumot at unan ko

one part lullaby

i was tired but had a lot in my mind last night, and i couldn’t sleep. so turned the tv back on and instead of watching dumb and dumberer (yes, i still have standards. ha.) i saw the teen choice awards… okay, so it wasn’t a big step up from dumb and dumberer, but it had it’s benefits. i wasn’t five minutes into the show when brandon routh introduced presenter tom welling. then welling presented an award (forgot what it was for) in which johnny depp won. of course, depp was in his usual sexy, weird self. just love him… oh, and the bonus was… i got to see a bloated britney spears introduce k-fed’s world debut. ha. talk about standards... anyway, it eventually led me back to the real reason i turned the tv on… i slept like a baby.

then in the middle of the night, my phone started to ring (forgot to turn it on silent mode, again!) it was an old friend. haven’t talked to him in a while. told him i was fine… no, wait, i was more than fine. in fact, i’m even excited. but kinda scared. he said i shouldn’t be the one who’s scared. the best thing about this, he said, was that i know that my love is still true. that my love is still pure. and that’s more than what a lot of people can say for themselves. he said X may find someone else, or maybe he’s already with someone else right now, but after what happened, how can he trust his love? how can he trust that this time, his love is true? that his love won’t just die out one day and he wouldn’t even care to fight for it? how can he trust his heart?

i did feel better after that… i was glad… because i realized that lately, i’ve been getting excited over the future... and maybe, just maybe, i’m ready now…

but i felt bad for X, sad because i know that what my friend said about X not being able to trust his own heart is true.

my promise...

the promise
tracy chapman
new beginnings

If you wait for me then
I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you

Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep,
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

nothing left here.

naubos ang oras sa kakahintay
walang patawad hindi binigay
walang paalam, walang babala
naubos ang oras sa kakahintay
sa'yo... (paghihintay, razorback)

we all had our reasons for going to that drt/razorback gig. i wanted to go there because it was free and i wanted to see legarda play the guitar and… okay, okay… so i just really wanted to see legarda again. period. C wanted to see razorback and have beer. A wanted to go somewhere so she can dress up. M went because she couldn’t come up with a good enough excuse not to go with us. and B just went there because we were all there. B had no idea what she’s gotten herself into. but, in the end, we all had a good time. no, we all had a great time. so great that A is now searching drt and legarda in the net and getting geared up to stalk, B is begging me to go with her to the next gig at saguijo, C is trying to track down a drt album and M is searching the net for other gigs and concerts to see. i didn’t think they’ll have a good time, especially B and M. they didn’t even like that kind of music.

but any way… we got the best and the worst seat in the venue. we sat at the table nearest the stage, with the vocalist’s mic crowning our table. first was kinky hooters. i honestly feel bad about the band, coz we laughed the whole time they did their set. and it might have seemed like we were laughing to their faces because we were right in front of them. for the most part, we really weren’t laughing at them. we were just very uncomfortable. the songs seemed unbelievably long and tiring… at one point i was looking at the vocalist’s song list and just wondering when the hell it’ll all end. anyways, the drummer was kinda cute, chabelita as C sets it. i’m not sure if it was because he kinda looks like bamboo that the vocalist seemed like a dull imitation bamboo or he was really trying to be like bamboo and he really just reeked. okay, he didn’t reek all that much. he was okay. but sometimes, just being okay isn’t okay. oh well… i guess every front act will have to go through something like that, right? i mean, we’re not really all that mean, right? right? right.

A didn’t know how legarda looked like. all she knew was that i wanted to see the gig because i wanted to see legarda and that he is related to ayesa of the rockstar inxs fame, but the moment she saw him. she was there. hahaha. she said he seems like the type who treats women badly. and boy, did she wish to be treated “badly” by him. ahhhh… wouldn't we all? except maybe B who had her eye on velasco, M who had her eye on the drummer of kh and C who only has eyes for roy. hehehe.

the moment legarda started playing the guitar, i knew it was just what i needed to kick start the dawning of my new winter. legarda is still so amazing with the guitar… i’m not one to say, but i think he even got better. during the guitar solos, we were all just mesmerized, our eyes were ready to burst from their sockets and our jaws, slack with awe. and let me remind you that not everyone in our table listens to that kind of music.

i sat there and thought, well... this is what separates the men from the boys.

the highlights of the night were when drt covered led zep’s whole lotta love and when razorback covered helter skelter and dazed and confused. (legarda and velasco played for both drt and razorback) it was probably the closest i can ever get to hearing those legendary songs played live by a legit band. i absolutely enjoyed it. but kinda made me miss basti’s voice. it would have been perfect if he was there.

i really didn’t expect that we’ll have that much fun; that i’ll have that much fun…
i missed this kind of life…
i missed being free.

you'll see, it will be...

a matter of time
wolfgang

it's all just a matter of time
between the days and the nights
from a child being born
to the taking of a life
you'll see it will be

it's all just a matter of time
till what's new becomes old
what's good becomes bad
from what's bought is sold

so just close your eyes
and wait for a while
tomorrow is still one whole day
so don't despair

soon what's in your hair
will forever be brushed away
cause it's all just a matter of time
till what you've done gets erased
till love lost returns
till what you broke is replaced
you'll see it will be...

change

change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass – john steinbeck

will you?

will you be my friend?
there are so many reasons why you never should:
i'm sometimes sullen, often shy, acutely sensitive,
my fear erupts as anger, I find it hard to give,
i talk about myself when I'm afraid
and often spend a day without anything to say.
but I will make you laugh
and love you quite a bit
and hold you when you're sad.
i cry a little almost every day
because I'm more caring than the strangers ever know,
and, if at times, I show my tender side
(the soft and warmer part I hide)
i wonder,Will you be my friend?
a friend who far beyond the feebleness of any vow or tie
will touch the secret place where I am really I,
to know the pain of lips that plead and eyes that weep,
who will not run away when you find me in the street
alone and lying mangled by my quota of defeats
but will stop and stay - to tell me of another day
when I was beautiful.
will you be my friend?
there are so many reasons why you never should:
often I'm too serious, seldom predictably the same,
sometimes cold and distant, probably I'll always change.
i bluster and brag, seek attention like a child.
i brood and pout, my anger can be wild,
but I will make you laugh
and love you quite a bit
and be near when you're afraid.
i shake a little almost every day
because I'm more frightened than the strangers ever know
and if at times I show my trembling side
(the anxious, fearful part I hide)
i wonder,
will you be my friend?
a friend who,
when I fear your closeness, feels me push away
and stubbornly will stay to share what's left on such a day,
who, when no one knows my name or calls me on the phone,
when there's no concern for me - what I have or haven't done
and those I've helped and counted on have, oh so deftly, run,
who, when there's nothing left but me, stripped of charm and subtlety,
will nonetheless remain...

will you be my friend?
for no reason that I know
except I want you to.

_____________________________

i first read this poem by James Kavanaugh when i was in high school. for some reason, i just remembered it last night. i couldn't find my copy but i found my old news paper clipping about river phoenix's death. and some old poems, and some old letters... i fell asleep around 2 am.

my best friend, r and i had dinner last night. we haven't talked while I was on vacation and that was over a month ago. i missed her. she told me that she didn't understand what i was going through when x and I broke up. she said she thought, well...She lost her boyfriend... she's cried her tears, said her goodbyes...… why can't she just move on? i have to mention, though, that she's never lost a boyfriend ever. i guess maybe she thought i was over reacting until her hubby kinda shed some light. i would not have guessed he would. but he did. she said now, she understands that i didn't just lose a boyfriend, i lost my partner.

i remember what my old friend said when i broke the news that X and i had broken up. he couldn’t believe it… said that X and i were a partnership. a corporation. a team. we were indestructible. well… that’s what i thought too. i really thought we were going to carry each other like we promised when we just started dating. we’ve been through so much. we shared life’s little injustices, enjoyed sunshines, weathered storms, and laughed through everyday tragedies. i thought we were like marla and jack towards the end of fight club when the whole city was falling apart… and it was okay because they had each other… it was fine because they were holding each other’s hand.

so, then r understood, that to her, it may only seem like her best friend lost a boyfriend, but for me, i lost the man i planned to spend my life with. i lost my plans. i lost my happiness. i lost my dreams. i lost my love.

and that's when rage started to flood her veins. she said she was so mad at x for what he did. that when x and i were together, she was thankful and so happy I finally found... a guy who's true. and she couldn't understand how he could... i don't know... leave. and she wrote him a letter. I don't know what she wrote in the letter. but she said she was pretty livid when she typed. i could only imagine what she wrote. anyway, she said x didn't reply. I wasn't surprised. she said she wanted to talk to x... and that x said he wasn't ready. that was in april. i doubt he'll ever be ready. r said she's still waiting, i wouldn't hold my breath if i were her. i bet he's forgotten all about it.

i was waiting for a ride along buendia this morning when i knew. i just knew. i was running late and i just missed an fx, despite my efforts to run after it. i looked at the void ahead of me and as i felt the muscles in my face ache, finally, i knew. i have had enough. and i'm tired of crying. i am just exhausted and drained out of my mind. i have had enough. i'm done.

when i got to the office, i was somehow reminded that r's letter might have coerced x to send that letter where he was saying sorry. really? he had to be told that what he did was wrong? that he caused me so much pain? that he was an ass? and he couldn't figure it out by himself? really? come on... he's got to be better than that.

well... you know what? i don't even know if i care anymore. and i don't care that i don't know.

what moon songs do you sing?

have you ever seen yourself while you’re in a lobby of an office? just sitting there. waiting. i saw my reflection earlier. i was waiting for someone from hr when i saw my reflection through the glass doors. and i saw myself probably how X saw me all along… i looked, well…. not just sad… but lonely. and it’s not the mundane loneliness you see everyday, it was so callous and unhindered that it was so painful to look at, even for me.

if i didn’t know me, i’d think i had surrendered to a bitter fate and was just so… i don’t know… resigned. resigned from happiness. resigned from life.

this reminded me of that song by the smashing pumpkins that x sent me a lot of months ago, he said the song made him think of me.


luna.

what moon songs
do you sing your babies?
what sunshine
do you bring?

who belongs
who decides whos crazy
who rights wrongs
where others cling

i'll sing for you
if you want me to
i'll give to you
and its a chance
i'll have to take
and its a chance
i'll have to break

i go along
just because
i'm lazy
i go along
to be with you

and those moon songs
that you sing your babies
will be the songs
to see you thru

i'll hear your song
if you want me to
i'll sing along
and its a chance
i'll have to take
and its a chance
i'll have to break
i'm in love with you
i'm in love with you
i'm in love with you
i'm so inlove with you...

but the thing is, i wasn’t sad… i was okay. i was hopeful. i was a brand new sky.

brand new sky

times like these
foo fighters

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run awayand leave it all behind?

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

terrible and slow moving...

i complain about not being able to think… that my mind just floats around in an endless void... yet i spend the whole day watching movies on tv. i was actually going to see cold mountain, but as i scanned the cover, one review said, “terrible and slow moving. kidman and law lack chemistry” by filmsinreview.com. now, who would put that on the cover of the dvd? the pirates, that who.

so, i ended up seeing other mindless, terrible and slow moving movies. the level of their mindless-ness and dreadfulness varies. first was the day after tomorrow. it was a waste of time, yet jake gyllenhaal made it worthy to waste my time over with. next was agent cody banks 2, i only paid attention to scenes where frankie muniz’s baby blue eyes were focused and there were a lot of them. next was ladder 49. now, this was a good movie. joaquin phoenix was so sweet and endearing. the late river phoenix may have been better looking, but joaquin is definitely sweeter. you just have to fall in love with him. the last one was woody allen’s hilarious hollywood ending.

i want to be a firefighter. i want to go into burning buildings when everyone else is trying to get out.

driving blind

noddy wanted to act like a grown up. So, like mr sparks, he decided to stay up late so he can get more work done. After reading his book, he cleaned his house until he was all cleaned out (his words, not mine) . Then he went outside and drove around toyland. He thought he’ll visit big ears. But he fell asleep in front of big ear’s house. when big ears saw him in the morning, he woke noddy up and reminded him of the packages he had to pick up at the train station. But because he was so tired, noddy drove in circles…and at some point, he even drove backwards.

oh Noddy. my sweet little noddy. Don’t be like me.

please go home and get some sleep.

and

stop driving in circles…

and

stop driving backwards…

let me breathe...

dolphins cry
artist: live
album: distance to here


The way you're bathed in light
Reminds me of that night
God let me down into your rose garden of trust
And I was swept away
With nothin' left to say
Some helpless fool
Yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
You're all I need to find
So when the time is right
Come to me sweetly, come to me
Come to me

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Oh yeah, we meet again
It's like we never left
Time in between was just a dream
Did we leave this place?
This crazy fog surrounds me
You wrap your legs around me
All I can do to try and breathe
Let me breathe so that I
So we can get together!

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Life is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time
We are lost 'til we are found
This phoenix rises up from the ground
And all these wars are over
Over
Over

when dolphins cry

I’m worried about nemo, I don’t know what’s wrong with him but he’s been sleeping or playing dead on awful lot lately. His wound hasn’t completely healed yet. I’m scared that he’ll leave me too.

When X broke up with me, I wanted to get rid of everything he gave me, everything that reminded me of him. I even wanted to give nemo and the chub chubs away. I just wanted to erase X in my life. later on I realized that to do that, I would have to move to a remote village in a country no one’s ever heard of; leave everything and everyone behind; and oh, rip my heart off my chest.

Anyway, I don’t think I can handle it if nemo dies right now. I know I just can’t . and I don’t need him menacing me everyday. I wish I knew what he wants. I wish I knew what he needs. I wish he’ll tell me. right now, I’m about ready to do anything just so he’ll stay.

bad thoughts

met R’s baby today and my heart just fell to the ground.
i love her already.
i almost cried when she kissed me goodbye.

my vacation is almost over. I’m not sure if I want to go back. I feel like nothing happened, but then again, a lot of things happened. I have to go back because I miss my friends.

but just like how it was before I left, I still have a lot of thinking to do. a lot of decisions to make.

and of course, nowadays, I can’t think even if you paid me a million dollars.

this is bad.

lost and gone forever

Clementine...

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner, forty-niner
And his daughter Clementine.

Oh my darling, oh my darling
Oh my darling, Clementine
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine,
Herring boxes without topses
Sandals were for Clementine

Drove she ducklings to the water
Every morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter
Fell into the foaming brine.

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles soft and fine,
But alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.

Then the miner, forty-niner
Soon began to peak and pine,
Thought he oughter jine he daughter,
Now he's with his Clementine.

In my dreams she still doth haunt me,
Robed in garments soaked in brine;
Though in life I used to hug her,
Now she's dead, I draw the line.

tide in the ocean

the tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. all the water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.

i forget where the sun joins in this fight.

__________________________

i think Iive already lost you
I think you're already gone
i think i'm finally scared now
you think i'm weak - but i think you're wrong

i think you're already leaving
feels like your hand is on the door
i thought this place was an empire
but now i'm relaxed - i can't be sure

i think we should try
i think i could need - this in my life

if you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
there's an awful lot of breathing room
but i can hardly move
if you're gone - baby you need to come home

i bet you're hard to get over
i bet the room just won't shine

coz there's a little bit of something me
in everything in you

~ if you're gone
matchbox 20

life taught me to die...

Cannonball
~ Damien Rice

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed

You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy'
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

love story

email from x:

i'm sorry for being such a burden to you... i am really sorry.
a lot of things i want to apologize for, but im really not sure if this is the right time to say it.
i caused you so much pain. sorry ha? sorry ha... sorry

my response:

I honestly don’t know what to say. i guess we both did things in the past that we’re sorry for. Sorry din, dami din yun.

x?

you’re not a burden to me. what makes you think that? You never were. Everything I did for you from when we were starting out up to now were all done out of love… and at the risk of sounding cheesy, as quoted from my favorite movie “love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

And I felt that, first hand, from you years ago.

________________________________________

I don’t know why x suddenly sent that...

Did he just now realize how badly he’s hurt me? did he just now realize what he did? What he left?

And when is the right time, I wonder? Will he wait when his apology doesn’t mean anything anymore? when nothing he could ever do could hurt me?

fire and rain

Fire and Rain
James Taylor

I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

will you erase me?

i vowed to myself that i'll never tell x. if it happens, he'll never know.

he doesn't deserve the truth. he doesn't deserve the truth.

i want to be able to let go of him. right now. i want to erase him in my life.

but a part of me thinks he should know. at least.
i mean, it's his life too, you know.
but can i tell him? will i be brave enough?

i guess not.

song of a second april

April this year, not otherwise
Than April of a year ago,
Is full of whispers, full of sighs,
Of dazzling mud and dingy snow;
Hepaticas that pleased you so
Are here again, and butterflies.

There rings a hammering all day,
And shingles lie about the doors;
In orchards near and far away
The grey wood-pecker taps and bores;
The men are merry at their chores,
And children earnest at their play.

The larger streams run still and deep,
Noisy and swift the small brooks run
Among the mullein stalks the sheep
Go up the hillside in the sun,
Pensively,--only you are gone,
You that alone I cared to keep.

~ edna st.vincent millay

the break up

A few weeks ago, I kinda invited x to see the break-up with me. it’s the last day of showing for the movie today and x hadn’t mentioned a thing. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to see him again anyway.

I saw the movie last week. And finally, finally, finally… I knew what the hell I was looking for in x. why I was always telling him that he doesn’t appreciate me. up until I saw that movie, I wasn’t sure what I needed to hear or needed to see from x that’ll make me feel that he loves me, that he truly loves me.

I hope x sees that movie. Because the movie said so many things I wanted to say to x, I just didn’t know better. i hope he sees the movie so that he’ll know. So that he’ll know that I wasn’t hoping D will come back. That the whole time, I just thought I was looking for D because when D and I were together, he showed me he cared, He showed me that he wanted to be with me, he showed me that he wanted to do things for me, that he just wanted to make me smile. That he just gave a damn.

In the movie, that was all aniston’s character wanted from her boyfriend. And guess what? That was all I wanted from x. that was all I needed. For him to show me he cares. For him to buy me flowers because he knows I love them. For him to take me to nice dinners because he knows I like them… because he wants to make me smile…

rei

I’m back. And sometimes I wonder if I ever really left.

So, I’m not… well, at least I think i’m not.

But was I?

The blood falling down my legs to the bathroom floor, was that my baby? Did I kill her with cigarettes, coffee, alcohol and stress? Was that rei? The baby sister jingoy accused me of neglecting in my dream?

I felt like I lost something that day.

queen of pain

king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
(That's my soul up there)

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain
queen of pain
queen of pain
queen of pain

I'll always be queen of pain...

don’t dare me to breathe.

will the rain ever stop?

and I don’t just mean the water condensed from atmospheric vapor and falling in drops… you know what I mean.

... do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? it doesn't actually kill you. like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. it should. when someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "i never loved you," it should kill you instantly. you shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know ... ~ under the tuscan sun

i am a wreck.

i’m supposed to be on vacation right now. what the fuck is wrong with me? why the hell can’t I just leave???

my life hurts so much. I hurt so much.

how can living hurt this much? Even breathing hurts. They said an average person takes around 30,000 breaths per day. There’s no way I can live this way, when breathing feels like a stab in the heart with a dull knife. Over and over and over with each breath. An average of 30,000 times a day.

how do you live? How do you even wake up knowing that even breathing will hurt so much?

how could he not be sorry for what he did? How could he just go on living as if I didn’t happen? how could he not hurt? How could he not love? How could he breathe and not hurt?

how could he not miss me? How could he not miss our jingoy? How could he not miss our home?how could his life still be complete without me? how could his days be right without me? how could he wake up knowing I’m not going to be part of his day? His life? How could I not have left a void in his life? How could he smile? How could he?

what did I ever do the last 5 years? What was I, really? Was I the substitute person while he waited for the friends he didn’t have? Was I the substitute girl while he waited for the right girl? How could anyone be that mean? How could anyone do that and not be sorry? Not be sorry he hurt the person who’s loved him and who’s been there for him the last five years?

how could he not be sorry? How could I have loved a monster and never saw it? how could I have loved a coward? How could I have been scared to hurt him?

how could he just let go of us? How could he not fight for me and everything we had? How could he have been so weak? How could he have given up so easily? How could he just let things happen? why couldn’t he fight for us? Has he ever really fought for anything in his life? What the hell was the last five years? What the hell was I the last five years? His fucking whore? His fucking maid? How come I never got paid?!

no wonder I feel so betrayed. So used.

and he’s not even sorry for it… for leaving me. for using me, for hurting me. for betraying me. for being weak, for not being strong for us. He’s not even sorry for not sharing himself with me…

how could he not be sorry?

how could he know everything about me, every secret, every thought, every tear, every heart ache, and not share any of his?

how could you not be sorry you hurt your best friend more than anyone in the world ever did?

how could he not care? I thought that was all he had for me… so where is it?

how could he not have looked for reasons to stay? why didn’t he try to save us?

was it because he’s a coward? He’ll never fight for anyone. Not me, not his family, not even his own child.

and I think I know how we lasted for five fucking years… because for a good four years, he didn’t have anybody else. He didn’t have friends, he didn’t have anyone and I was the only one who cared to share my life with him. So when he started meeting other people who were, of course, by default easier to deal with, he bails out on me. he bails out on us. Why the hell would he need to stay, anyway? He needed them more than he needed me… he needed his job… he needed to be around them… he needed to fit in… he needed the money.

for five years, it was the easy thing to do. It was the easiest thing to be. It was just so convenient to stay. but when things got rough, and the easiest thing to do was leave, that’s exactly what he does… he bails out.

that’s just how he is, I guess, when he finds people who he needs to deal with, he leaves the ones who’ve been there for him… he does that to all his friends, his friends from high school, friends from college, ex girlfriends… how could I have not seen it coming?

just how stupid was i? how could I have loved him? How could I have believed he actually wanted to grow old with me? how could I have believed he actually wanted to share his life with me? he never told me. he never said he wanted to. whatever happened to forever? He never mentioned forever… why the hell did I believe?

how could God know he will give me so much to cry about and make it so painful for me to shed tears?

how could God let the father of my child be a man who wasn’t in love with me, knowing full well that a family, a family is all I really want in this life?

i am almost ashamed I loved this guy. And for five fucking years I believed, no, forced myself to believe that he loved me too. That God gave him to me to help me get through. But you know what? I was always alone. Now that I think about it, I was always alone.

of course, I don’t mean the half of what I said today. Of course, I’m angry. Of course, I’m not being fair. But tell me, is this fair?

and how is it that in spite all these… I still love him? How could a smart girl like me be so stupid?

how is it that even though he’s not sorry at all, I still pray that he’ll be there when I get home every single day?

love means never having to say you’re sorry... ~ love story

what...

when you’re told to slow down, they usually mean really slow down and take a rest. Take a day off… sleep for a whole day… you know… just rest. They told me to slow down, but as usual, I didn’t listen.

The next day after I got home from the hospital, I went out with my friends again. I promise I meant to slow down. But it was the birthday celebration of three of my friends, there’s no way I’m not going to be there.

But of course, after the celebration wrapped up, I went clubbing. Got home around 5 in the morning, and I haven’t had a decent sleep or rest since. And that was… two weeks ago?

The next two weeks don’t look like I’m going to get some real rest or even a day off. I can’t afford to be sick again. Especially now that it looks like I’m going to need to save up.

I’m scared. Shoot. What if I am?

the things we do to the people that we love

The People That We Love (Speed Kills)
artist: Bush
album: Golden State

Speed kills coming down the mountain
Speed kills coming down the street
Speed kills with presence of mind and
Speed kills if you know what I mean
Got to feel - woke up inside again
Got to feel less broke more fixed
Got to feel when I got outside myself
Got to feel when I touched your lips
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something we can't take
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some time
I wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee

How's it feel she's coming up roses
How's it feel she's coming up sweet
How's it feel when it's all in spite of you
How's it feel when she's out of your reach
The things we do to the people that we love
The way we break if there's something in the way
Destroy the world that we took so long to make
We expect her gone for some timeI wish her safe from harm
To find yourself in a foreign land
Another refugee outsider refugee
What happened to you

The things we do
To the people that we love
The things we do
To the people that we
That we love

rain on my bed

does it rain on your bed?

I was watching rockstar: supernova last Thursday night when the rain poured so hard, my ceiling started to leak and it started to rain on my bed.

One of the contestants talked about his passion for music and how he left everything behind to pursue his passion. He reminded me of suzie, one of the contestants last year who stage dove her way to desperation. I remember telling X that it was sad coz I didn’t know what the hell I was desperate for. X said he thinks I’m desperate for a house. See, that’s where you’re wrong, X.

I wasn’t desperate for a house.

I was desperate for a home.

I was desperate for you.

the wounded healer.

bad headache.

Is there such a thing as a good headache? Anyway, this one’s really bad. Was it the three cups of coffee or C’s stale cigarette? Sudden bouts of vertigo don’t help either.

I’m almost done with my eight day work week but so far away from a day’s rest. i feel like I haven’t had a break since… when? The start of June? May?

who am I fooling anyway?

If I don’t slow down I’m going to get really sick. But if I do slow down, I know I’m going to get sick too… sick in the head. Sick in the heart.

guess what i would rather be.

besides, I can’t slow down now, even if I wanted to. There are too many people who need me to be there for them… too many people to help heal… sometimes, I want to tell them, that hey, I need to heal too… coz… in case you forgot…

behind the smiles,

behind the laughter,

my heart is bleeding too.

. . .

miss X.

so much.

last night

Man, you oughta finish what you started
You can't leave me here alive
Well I know it started as a fist fight
But you've got me covered up in hives...
when all this indecision reigns
It's your aimlessness that helps me see straight.
~ laughing out loud
The Wallflowers
Bringing Down the Horse

Last night, I was supposed to go home early, clean up the mess that is my apartment and think about that life changing decision I had to make. But instead of going straight home, I went out with my friends again. I could easily have refused, went home and decided once and for all what to do with my life. But I didn’t.

And I was out really late. I didn’t realize how late it was until I woke up in the bus on my home.

I asked for an extension this morning. D is getting really impatient with me.

How do you make that life changing decision, anyway? How to you chose to live another way and just ditch the other? Much as the opportunity seems really really good, I’m finding it hard to leave. I can’t leave my life here just yet. I guess I’m having too much fun.

This is the first time I’ve been single in my adult life and it is fun. Yeah, it can get lonely sometimes… nah… it’s mostly fun. Hahaha.

It’s like after five years, humankind is welcoming me back. Asking where the hell I’ve been, coz they’ve been waiting for me to share my life with them. That’s why I can’t leave just now.

And besides, I want to leave when I’m ready. I’m sure there’ll be other opportunities. There are just too many things that I still have to do here, finish here, settle here… Because once I leave, there’ll be no turning back.

So, I guess that’s my decision, huh?

D will be so mad.

malls and decisions

I’m loving the mall of asia. Aside from the obvious – the hockey rink where I’ll soon be playing if I decide to stay – it has a lot of the nice bookstores, record stores, sports shops, nice places to dine, the imax theatre, everything for my money spending needs… Now, I feel like I don’t even have to go to Greenbelt anymore, except maybe when I really have to have New Orleans shrimp at Bubba Gump’s.

The other day, I saw a special edition release of “love story” by erich segal at power books. The cover was like the one they released in the 70’s . As soon as I have money to spare, I’ll buy that book. I have to have that. I haven’t had enough time to really see the place, heck, I haven’t had enough time for anything lately… so many things to do, so many places to see, so little time.

Which reminds me, I will have to make a very important, life-changing decision soon. but I haven’t had the time to think about it, I mean really think about it.. I hope I make the right decision.

This will be my whole life.

superman returns

“Superman is so lonely in this film, it feels personal”
- Newsweek

At last, a hero who doesn’t need to dodge bullets. Saw Superman Returns at the IMAX theatre at the Mall of Asia last Wednesday. I was so overwhelmed by Brandon Routh I don’t remember much about the movie. It literally felt like a dream. Aside from the fact that I was so sleepy from very little sleep the day before, I was also hung over. The movie sort of just glided… while I swooned over superman.

I really have to see the movie again and again and again…

Do you remember flying?

Last Tuesday, I went flying.

After five years, I stepped back on the ice. i thought i had forgotten how to skate... i was a bit shaky at first but it was amazing, a homecoming of sorts. All I could think of was how I almost forgot what it’s like to fly.

The day after that, I got yet another birthday present, a silver necklace with little hockey sticks for a pendant. I love it. I love holding it to remind me of what it’s like to fly.

a million, vermillion

Sometimes it's hard to tell the wishing from the well
Where you threw the penny and where it fell

~ Bleeder
Artist: The Wallflowers
Album: Bringing Down The Horse

I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions. I am so tired. Lately, I haven’t had enough time for myself. There are always a million things to be to my friends and family. I’m not complaining. Far from it. It’s just a bit… well… tiring, that’s all. I know I’ve always wanted to be “something” to other people, to be part of their lives, but what I didn’t realize it that I have to set aside some time to be me for me.

But there are always so many things to do…

That dinner, that party, that movie, that cup of coffee, that show, that concert, that gig, that early morning walk, that afternoon, that game, that day, that trip, that vacation, that lifetime…

someone’s best friend, someone’s friend, someone’s close friend, someone’s someone’s big sister, someone’s little sister, someone’s cousin, someone’s mom, someone’s daughter, someone’s teacher, someone’s coach, someone’s shrink, someone’s boss, someone’s assistant… someone’s savior.

this can go on forever…

I feel like superman—blue tights, red cape and all.

I was supposed to have that Saturday afternoon for myself, a four hour window where I can just sit back, watch a mindless comedy and laugh. But of course, it had to rain so hard that the ceiling in my apartment leaked and drenched a good part of my belongings.

No wonder superman left.

You can lose your mind living this life.

track number 12

Come Back
Artist: Pearl Jam
Album: Pearl Jam


If I keep holding out
Will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof
It's only rain that I feel
I've been wishin' out the days
Come back

I have been planning out
All that I'd say to you
Since you slipped away
Know that I still remain true
I've been wishin' out the days
Please say that if you hadn't have gone now
I wouldn't have lost you another way
From wherever you are
Come back

And these days, they linger on, yeah, yeah
And in the night, I've been waiting for
A real possibility that I may meet you in my dreams
I go to sleep
If I don't fall apart
Will my memory stay clear?

So you had to go
And I had to remain here
But the strangest thing to date
So far away and yet you feel so close
I'm not going to question it any other way
It must be an open door for you
To come back

And the days they linger on, yeah
Every night I'm waiting for
The real possibility that I may need to end my pain
Sometimes you're there and you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's ok It's ok, it's ok
I'll be here Come back, come back

my kryptonite

because Superman, he returns...

I am so excited. I’ve never been this excited over a movie before.

I just got confirmation that we already have the tickets for the June 28, 2006 screening of Superman Returns at the IMAX theatre at the Mall of Asia. I’m so glad that we were able to reserve tickets.

I hope the movie’s good coz from the looks of it I’ll probably have to see the movie at least three times. I didn’t mind seeing X-men three times, coz I really liked it and I really, genuinely enjoyed the movie (that was a surprise). well, from the trailer, superman looks good. I mean the movie, coz if I meant, superman, the guy, the actor, I would have said… he looks really really delicious.

Can’t believe I’m smiling from ear to ear over this.