down in a hole

03 september 2006

i was on my way home from work that sunday when i thought about what my friend just said. we were talking about his ex... C dreamt of his ex the night before and in his dream, they were still together... as if they were married or something. he was really bothered by it and asked me if i knew how to interpret dreams. i read somewhere that dreams are the things we wish would happen in our lives but are somehow helpless to do something about it. he said that was probably appropriate. and sadly mentioned that he missed her. i told him that if he misses her that much, why not try to win her back? i mean, clearly, he is still in love with her, so why not do something about it? so what if she lives so far away? so what if she's already married? (which she's not, btw) so what if she's in love with somebody else? (this one, we're not sure about =)) i mean, isn't it worth to try and find out? isn't it worth to give it another shot? whatever went wrong in their relationship, i believed, can be fixed, if they are both willing to forgive and work things out. then C said, simply, that it was too late. how can it be too late? he's still in love with her. so how can it be too late? did he ask her? no, he said. it was just too late. and he knew in his heart that it was.

how do you know when it's too late? what if you still love the other person and in your heart of hearts, you are still hoping you'll be together, someday? are you just doomed to spend your life secretly hoping for your love to come back when you know it's too late? and you're helpless to do anything about it? how can it be too late when you still love the other person?

i was thinking about that on my way home. how will i know if it's too late? how will i know that i've crossed the line, when i’m sure nothing anyone could ever do could bring us back together? do i still want us to be back together? what if i wake up one day and i realize that i want him back but with it comes the sad realization that it's too late?

i was looking out the bus window along roxas boulevard when i got a text message from C.

if you can still put yourself at risk, your heart on line, your happiness in jeopardy, just for a ray of light, a sliver of hope, a shard of chance to make things right, then it's not too late yet. but the moment you know you can't lay your heart on the line because of fear that you'll be hurt again, rejected, betrayed, when you just can't allow yourself to be vulnerable and defenseless to him again, then, you know it's too late, even if you still love him. it's simply too late.

so, is it?, he asked.

i was shocked with my answer.

through the bus window, i looked at the night sky, like soft velvet, not a star in sight. the moon was so beautiful. pale yellow. sad and alone. vulnerable to the dark clouds. hanging by invisible threads, ready to give in and plunge into the ice cold ocean.