all in a night's tossing and turning...

As usual, I couldn’t sleep last night. I knew I had to get up at 11pm for my 1am shift, which made it harder for me to sleep. It was I think around 9:30 when sleep finally came. And in the hours before that, amidst all the tossing and turning, these thoughts were running through my head…

A couple of days ago I had the worst dream ever. I can’t tell you because it hurts too much to remember… and I’m terrified that it’s true. I’m so scared that it’s true because I don’t think I can bear any more pain than what I feel right now. I know I just can’t.

I know I can’t coz it’ll mean that it’ll be over forever. And he doesn’t make it easy by letting me know what’s going on. I don’t understand why he likes hurting me. i don’t know why he won’t just tell me the truth and cut me off my misery. How can he be so mean?

I can’t go on like this anymore. I know I can’t.

Then…

“what do you take the pills for?”
“eh… you know… life.”

Sometimes, life is so overwhelming. Sometimes, it’s just too much and you can’t breathe, you can’t sleep, and most of the time, you just wish you were dead.

A few minutes later…

Excuses/abuses

- no signal
- no load
- low battery
- fell asleep

and now, keypad not working.

I know that I have a choice. I can choose not to be around to hear the next abuse.

I mean, excuse.

And then…

I think I know where this is going. Heck, I’ve known where this is going for… let’s see… maybe a year… and yet…

I tell myself that I’m strong and I can do this. and by doing this, I’m proving that in the end, love will prevail… but really, who the hell am I kidding?

And who the hell is he kidding? Really? You tell me, will a short text message a day hinder him from enjoying his fucking team building? Will the few seconds he spends sending that message take away so much bliss, happiness and joy from that fucking team building. I Don’t Think So.

See, I’m trying really really hard to understand… to see things from his perspective. But I can’t. I’ve been on trips before; outings with my friends, vacations, drinking sprees, beach parties, night outs, etc… I’ve been there… and for some strange reason, I still manage to send a text message or two. And my friends did not seem to have a problem on that area either. And as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t take away any type of bliss from anyone, nor did it ruin anyone’s day. So, I’m just wondering… what the hell?

You tell me.

what the hell?

Well, of course, it turns out that I didn’t have to get up at 11:00 because the meeting was postponed. Found out around 12:30.

What? All that tossing and turning for nothing?

Someone just please shoot me in the head. And please,

make it good.

poker

I’ll be here, if you need anything. But you never need anything.

-logan

i want a guy who likes to beat the crap out of a guy who happens to look at me the wrong way. I want a guy who takes pleasure in hitting someone, well, as long as it’s not me. I want a guy who likes taking care of me. Someone who dominates a relationship. Tall, strong, someone who takes charge. Someone who doesn’t sit and wait in the sidelines. Someone who thinks I am an important part of his life, and finds urgency in being with me.

But that’s just what I want.

In reality, I’m in love with the biggest gutless jerk who can’t even dominate a cat if his life depended on it. I’m in love with a defensive commitment phobic; a pacifist who likes finding fault in me and refuses to see the good. I’m in love with a selfish ass who doesn’t take risks; who keeps me around coz he’s scared he’ll lose me forever. And doesn’t even exert effort to know if he wants to keep me forever or not.

so, why am laying all my cards and blindly going all out for his moron? Because at the end of the day, all I need is the love he gave. It’s all I need for another day…

aint life grand?

And I know, I watch too much tv.

epic

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic!
Logan: But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over.
Veronica: Logan...
Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...
Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

i’m going all out. Giving this everything i’ve got. Everything. This has to stop one way or another. Even epic stories have an ending. Even the grandest of love songs have to end some time... right?

you'd better

i don’t know if it’s the series of events, the time of the month or just generally my life that’s been driving me towards the deep end of this ocean of sadness. Haha. Sadness… it’s not even that, I think. I guess it’s more the lack of energy and drive and reason to be glad.

I want to sleep… and rest… and spend an entire day having ice cream with the shades drawn and these two songs faintly playing in the background...

only you
~ Joshua Radin

Looking from the window above
It's like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday
Who went further away
Want you near me

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Sometimes when I think of her name
When it's only a game
And I need you
Listen to the words that you say
It's getting harder to stay
When I need you

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

This is gonna take a long time
And I wonder what's mine
Can't take no more
Wonder if you'll understand
It's just the touch of your hand
Behind a closed door

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

i found a reason
~Cat Powers

Oh I do believe

In all the things you say

What comes is better than what came before

And youd better come come, come come to me

Better come come, come come to me

Better run, run run, run run to me

Better come

Oh I do believe

In all the things you say

What comes is better that what came before

And youd better run run, run run to me

Better run, run run, run run to me

Better come, come come, come come to me

Youd better run