moondance

pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. - dag hammarskjold

i was casually hanging out with my friends, having coffee when my “out-there-looking-for-new-cheese” world fell apart. you know one of those moments when a great realization dawns upon you, when the answer to the puzzle you’ve been trying to solve for a long time suddenly falls on your lap like a warm blanket in a cold night, or a warm bath after a long day?

And then it just craps all over your face. suddenly, your tiny little world falls apart. you start to feel dizzy as everything around you spins out of control. you breathe deeper and you hold on to your seat, hoping to suppress the nausea. you get that heavy feeling and you think the only way to feel lighter is by hurling everything you ate the past week. nothing feels real. or right.

something wrong? your friends ask.

now, where do you begin?

so you’re out there… confident. sure about your decision. it was time to go out there for new cheese. then shit happens. (excuse my language, hehe)

when we’re not talking about make up, clothes and shoes, we talk about work, and when we’re not talking about the disappointments in our workplace, we talk about our disappointments in men.

i’d like to think of myself as someone who has a pretty realistic view on love and relationships. but i don’t know what cave i was living in the past couple of years because i just realized that many people actually don’t get married to someone they love. it was like a punch on the face when reality sunk in and i found out that many people marry out of comfort and security and some marry just because they really just want to settle down. they look for someone to settle with, not necessarily someone they love. isn’t that sad?

no one else seemed surprise. i really can’t imagine spending my life and raising a family with someone i just like. i couldn’t understand how they can’t see my point when i said i just can’t see myself spending my whole life with someone i can’t talk to. someone who i can’t laugh and joke around with. someone i can’t spend those quiet little moments. “not everyone finds their soul mate”, they told me. not everyone ends up with their best friend, not everyone ends up with the love of their life. some are just afraid to be alone and they marry the closest person willing to take that move with them. many people just settle. that’s why it’s called settling down. in fact not everyone gets what you and X had. not everyone falls in love the way you and X did. some live and die without being in a truly loving and happy relationship.

now why would she say that? how will reminding me how good the relationship was help me move on?

there comes a time in a person’s life when they just want to lead a peaceful, meaningful life and raise a family. it’s human nature. the lucky ones get to raise that family with their one true love, the one they truly are happy with. the rest settles for the closest match.

well, that’s just sad, no… that’s just reality. well, reality sucks.

what kind of life would it be when security and companionship is more important than happiness? how could you spend the rest of your life with someone you barely know? how could you marry someone and hope to learn to love that person afterwards? what if you don’t?

“it’s so easy to give up on someone you don't love. maybe that’s why two years after you guys broke up, you and X are still where you are right now. “

i didn’t tell them that i haven’t talked to X for days. and he hasn’t tried to reach me since. that sinking feeling that draws all your strength settled in my stomach and i felt like crying hysterically. did i just lose my soul mate? my best friend? the person i’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with? my perfect match?

yeah. what we had was special. it was beautiful. it felt right. it felt good. we even referred to the early times we spent together as magic. but what is magic, anyway? it’s nothing but an illusion. an illusion not many people get to experience, it turns out.

but we took all that for granted and now he’s no longer here. he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. he’s not in-love with me anymore. what the hell am i supposed to do? i did what i should do.. which is to let him go.

yes, we were a good match, we were best friends, we were that one true thing, the perfect fit, it was comfortable yet passionate. mature but fun. of course, there were a lot of tears and disappointments and pain, but there was so much more fun. there was so much laughter. so much happiness. so much joy. so much love.

always love.

now i finally see what X meant when he said that we were lucky to have found each other.

he was right. we were lucky.

so damn.