my tornado is resting

i went to the spa yesterday. i figured i needed to take on a new perspective in my life and maybe just sort things out a little. my life has been one small clutter after another and i needed to straighten things out. and yes, i needed to go to the spa to figure things out.

i realized that, at a glance, my life is just a series of ways to spend my hard earned money. ok, ok, not hard earned, just my money. i looked at my checklists, my to do lists, etc. and i realized that i don’t really have any goals or plans. all i had were things to buy and errands to run and places to see. take out the trash. get that pair of black pumps. see led zep thingy at the galleria. get new foo fighters cd. buy memory card for PC. get DSL. go to hongkong. get an ipod. get a new watch. and then what? lose weight. go to boracay. then go to vigan. then what? go back to boracay.

then what?

i don’t know… save money and think of other ways to spend that money? i should be ashamed at how shallow my life is. no depth. no meaning. just shit.

how the hell did i end up here?

i can’t see a future. not even a checklist for my future. darn. maybe i don’t have one.

when you’re with someone who you believed will share the rest of his life with you, it’s so easy to see a future. a car. a house. a wedding. a husband. kids. a family. a home. happiness… i can go on and on…

but when all you have is a fat teddy bear, it’s hard to see anything. hard to see beyond that trip, beyond that ipod, beyond that watch… beyond all the shallow shit that is my life.

all i see is a whir of nothing. like the visualizations when you play music using your windows media player. a sea of a spinning, spiraling nothing.

maybe i should just jump off a cliff or something. how the hell did i get here?